Together Forever

Feelings

A small word with the greatest supreme power that is overwhelming our heart and soul with storms of dangling emotions.

Why do we have feelings? Just to have pain when our loved ones leave us? Just to get our hearts broken when we realize we are not that important to them we thought we were?

People say that not to love is sad but not being able to love is worse. Never thought about it so deeply but now it seems like this quote was made for me.

We all try to hide our feelings because we don't want to look weak to others. No matter how much we try to show people that we don't care and we don't have feelings, deep down inside we all know we are vulnerable. Because we are humans. We have hearts. We are meant to feel.

Still, there are some times when we don't feel anything. Not happiness, not hurt, nothing. Just so empty. As if something is missing but we don't know what. That hurts.

And that's when we need a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold on to. Someone who will care about us, someone who will fill the emptiness with some love. And this is the hardest thing to find. So hard.

I guess I have already found that shoulder. I'm just afraid to lean on. What if someday he leaves me and I fall? The scarce hand is trying to hold me but I am pushing it away.

If we could just win our uncertainties, life would be so easier. Unfortunately, here we lose. You think you are brave and strong? Maybe from outside. But with all your fears, doubts, and diffidence; you are just a fragile doll of your fate.

I sigh one last time and get up from the bed after trying to sleep half of the night. I walk towards the balcony and open the door, revealing the starry enormous night sky, standing out all alone. Just like me. I sit down on the chair and take in the fresh cool breeze. Dense black clouds floating across the equally dark sky and within them, numerous shiny stars are peeking out. As if in a discerning black ocean, they are striving continuously to survive. Maybe after some time, they will be submerged under the immense clouds but then, they will shine again. Just like our lives. With all our pain, failure, and misery, we all try to stay alive in this relentless world. Sometimes we fail. But we don't stop. With all the strength left, we try again and this is how we survive.

I am deep in my thoughts when I hear a faint sound coming from the living room I assume. I get up and walk into the room, heading towards the door. Opening it, I see the giant wall clock that is hanging on the wall saying 3 in the morning. I walk further and then my eyes fall on Ethan, sleeping on the couch with his hand resting on his forehead.

The only source of light is the chandelier that is emanating shaded golden light for why I can see his face somehow from the distance I am now. I walk towards him very slowly, trying to make no sound, and sit on my knees on the floor just beside his head. Then I examine him carefully.

His face is facing me, a slight cringe on his forehead and tiredness reflecting from his face.

Why did he sleep here?

I remove his hand carefully from his head so that I can see him properly. He is looking so restful, so innocent like a child as if he threw all his ferocity outside when he slept. Yet somehow, with everything, he seems like he's hurt. He is looking for something like when he drifted off to sleep, he was in pain.

A strand of hair is falling on his eyes covering his forehead. I slowly raise my quivering hand and push the strand away when my fingers softly brush against his skin and I shiver. The first time he touched me how I felt, it's still the same.

I place my hand so gently on his cheek so that he doesn't wake up. My thumb slowly caresses his face and I move my face closer when his quick breath hits me. My heart starts beating faster as my fingers remain still, feeling his warmth beneath my skin.

If I could touch him a bit longer...

I remove my hand unwillingly, my inside clenching in pain. I take his hand in mine and rest my forehead on it. And for the second time today, tears escape my eyes.

I want to hold him like this forever. I don't want to leave him. But what can I do? What should I do? Sometimes I feel like forgetting everything, I just stay with him and the next moment, this thought scares me. I we could know what we should do, there wouldn't be any problem. But it doesn't happen. We were born to have a life full of confusion.

I raise my head and wipe my face before placing a soft kiss on his knuckles. Giving him one last look, I stand up and am about to head back to my room when a hand grabs my hand and I slump back on his chest with a thud.

When I finally open my eyes, to my shock I see those familiar brown eyes staring at me impatiently. His hands are behind my waist holding me tightly and mine are on his chest feeling his quick heartbeat.

He was awake all the while?

Without saying anything, he suddenly switches our position so now he is on top of me. He keeps staring at my eyes searching for I don't know what as I take the time to process what just happened. His chest is pressed against me and our hearts are beating in sync. Both so fast.

"Will you still say you're not sure?" He asks in a husky voice, almost a whisper, his eyes boring into mine.

Shit. Why did I touch him? How can I avoid his questions now?

I stare at him with an unknown fear like a thief who has just been caught. His speedy hot breath continuously stroking my face, making me feel like I am on fire. Not being able to hold his blazing gaze anymore I quickly look away.

"What were you doing?" He asks in a hoarse voice.

"Evelyn, look at me." He commands but I don't dare.

"I said look at me." He says angrily as he holds my chin and makes me look at him forcefully. His eyes are now burning like fire. And for some unknown reason, I just can't stare into them.

"Say yes." He says and moves his face towards me, pressing his forehead against mine. It wasn't gentle like other times, it was harsh. His nose touches mine and now there's just a bit of difference between our lips.

I try to push him away with all my strength but just as my hand touches his chest, he grabs my hands and pins them around my head. It will leave some bruises for sure.

Then all of a sudden, his lips touch my cheek and he starts kissing there hungrily. I wheeze when I feel the wetness of his soft lips on my burning face. I suck in a sharp breath as his lips slowly move downwards to my jaw, from there towards my neck. I gasp struggling for air and that just makes his lips move faster. It's like he's torturing me for not saying yes by kissing the hell out of me.

I close my eyes as he bites softly on my skin making me moan loudly. I fist my hand out of the unknown feeling that's overwhelming me and my hands move aggressively beneath his death hold. He then moves upwards and stops at my chin. When I don't feel his lips on me for some time, I slowly open my eyes to see his dark eyes digging into mine.

Staring into my eyes deeply, he slowly releases my hands and finally lets his body fall on me with all its pressure and nuzzles his face in my neck. I hear his sharp intake of breathing as he mutters, "I'm going crazy for you. Can't you see?"

He looks up at me for an answer but I close my eyes, causing a tear to roll down my cheek.

Then his lips find my face again as he softly kisses the corner of my lips.

"Say yes, please." He breathes against my parted lips.

It wasn't a command, nor a request; it was a voice full of desire with a hint of languishment.

Right now at this moment, all I want to do is to say yes and hug him for years. But instead, I am crying. I don't know why. It wasn't supposed to happen but now we both are out of control. We don't have any power over us anymore.

He turns his head up and is about to say something when his eyes land on me. His eyes widen in shock as he gets off of me immediately and sits on the floor, me still lying there closing my eyes. "I...I am sorry." I hear him saying as he cups my face and wipes the tears off with his thumbs.

"I shouldn't have done it. I am sorry. Please look at me. Evelyn?" He says in a desperate tone and at last, I open my eyes to see his worried and guilty consuming face, shadow dancing around the room.

I sit up slowly, my body feeling so numb. I nod somehow and stand up, rushing towards my room. As I enter the room and close the door, I feel his eyes following my every move.

I fall down right there, my back against the door. Letting all my tears streaming freely, I sit there numb thinking about what just happened. These tears are not for him to kiss me but because I couldn't say yes to him. He begged me but I couldn't.

I hurt him again.

I did.00000000☐☐☐☐