To My Shattered Soul

“I look into my glass,

And view my wasting skin,

And say, “Would God it came to pass

My heart had shrunk as thin!” said Thomas Hardy in his poem.

I feel this is kind of relatable and I understand it better these days, I mean understood it those days.

They say if you want to go ahead never look back, well I say if you want to go ahead and lose your path, turn back, no! Not to go back! But to see where you took the wrong turn that made you lose your path.

And that time I wasn’t ready to look back or see where I lost my path, all I focused on was how my heart was shrinking thinner with each passing day.

I wouldn’t say I was living I’d say I just witnessed each sun rising and setting in front of me changing its direction.

I became the kind of a person who would complain about bad things happening to me but wouldn’t see why it happened, I used to give up quickly without showing any struggle.

This is how just one bad accident can flip your entire life upside down, and now I am sure of it, as I heard my mother speaking to me every day, when I was alone I could focus on her voice.

She used to cry a lot and quickly pulls back the drama to act normal as if she didn’t care but only when I heard my father’s voice, she was afraid to express her feelings in front of him, but me being on the bed in that state was devastating for her.

When I was little I saw a small monkey in a store that kept banging its drum, I walked and picked it up and its arm came out, I was confused and kept it back from where I picked it up.

When the shop owner came closer and picked it up first he said something in Chinese which I didn’t understand so he sat on his knees and looked at me with a big smile on his face “I said there’s nothing that can’t be fixed when it’s broken” He said.

He pulled my palm, placed the monkey in my hand, and folded my fingers, I shook my head and said “I can’t accept this, my father always told me to pick expensive and big toys, the ones that can be shown off, please don’t tell this to anyone” I begged.

He laughed in such a way as I told him some joke I kept looking at him with my big eyes “The Happiness! Doesn’t come with a price tag” He said, how could a little girl understand it, I arched one of my eyebrows and smirked with questions in my eyes.

“Keep it as a gift from me! You will understand it when you grow up and then you will realize how valuable this cheap little smiling monkey is” He said and walked away.

I kept that monkey hidden under my bed, even when my maid found it I told her to keep it to herself, and she never told it to anyone, whenever I felt down I kept looking at it to find answers.

But never found it, and I was even missing that monkey in that glass I was staring at my palm and folding my fingers slowly when Peter came in and sat on his desk, he opened a game and connected his webcam to his laptop.

I was watching that all resting my back on the wall, his friend Jackson was video calling him while playing, after playing for some time and talking to his friend, Jackson’s eyes went wider “What is it?” Peter noticed his reaction too.

“That statue of the girl behind you! I can swear it moved!” As Jackson spoke, Peter’s eyes stopped blinking, anyone could see tears sparkling in the corners of his eyes.

“Can you see her?” Peter wanted to confirm he was talking about me he pointed with his thumb.

“Of course man why wouldn’t I? I mean I am not blind?” He said.

Without thinking twice Peter turned off his laptop and pushed his chair backward while sitting on it.

He held his head then he rubbed his face, finally… someone proved that I existed, and this time I was mad at him.

He gathered courage and forced himself closer to the glass with his heavy feet, he collapsed before me, and I turned my face against him.

“Screw you!” I almost whispered but he could hear me.

He started laughing like crazy his eyes were shedding so many tears that time, he placed his cheek on the glass when I looked at him and freaked out “You are gonna hurt yourself”

I got on my knees placing both my hands on the glass “I can’t get hurt! But with these pointy edges of these glass shards? You can!” I said but he kept laughing. “Now you look creepy stop it!” I protested when actually I was trying not to cry again.

“Scold me or whatever, I can’t explain how happy I am to know that you are real!” He pulled his face back from the glass, I took a sigh of relief.

We kept looking at each other for a few minutes then I broke down into tears, I buried my face under my arms on my knees and kept crying for a while, when I was done I slowly raised my head just to find him shedding tears with me “I am sorry” He said.

I couldn’t argue, I couldn’t say anything against him or stay mad at him, because I was afraid to lose him again.

I realized what he meant to me, and how within such a small period of my life I grew closer to him, more than anyone I’ve been with my entire life, not even when we lived under the same roof.

“If only I could make it up to you but you have to get out of here first” He smiled and I replied, “My first task after getting out of here will be strangling you!” I smiled.