SWNOVELS Thrive: Chapter 12
Lesson of the Day: Trying something new means you may find something new to love.
Mikka
The second day here and I already had a hangover. This was how I knew city girls did not belong in a small town. Moonshine was the devil and it’d thrown me in hangover hell that morning.
I’d woken up in a daze, my ribcage in much more pain than I wanted to admit. Jay carrying me home hadn’t been smart because alcohol had made me numb and dumb.
I scraped myself out of bed and tried to chase away the hangover by giving myself a pep talk as I pulled on pressed wide leg pants and a white blouse.
I needed to focus. Jay was off limits and I shouldn’t have ever discussed head-banging sex with him. I shouldn’t have…
I groaned.
I had kissed him.
Crap.
The head-banging sex in this bed sounded even better knowing that he’d kissed me like I was the only woman in the world. My thighs quaked and my body heated. My pep talk wasn’t going to work.
And, of course, when he got me alone after his run, I stood there salivating.
Pep talk be damned.
I knew I was staring and couldn’t stop. All I could focus on was the sweat on his body, the sculpted chest, the veins cording his arms. He was a perfect specimen; one I couldn’t help but want to lick.
“Meek, I seem to remember you telling me these abs weren’t worth the millions they paid me for that movie.”
I snapped my gaze away and felt the blush rising to my cheeks. “Give me a break, Jay.”
“Why should I? I thought you were just fine with your toys over in your room.”
“I am!”
“Then why are you drooling over me shirtless.” He stepped closer to me and I stepped back.
“What are you doing?” I saw the look in his eyes. It was the same look he’d given me so many nights ago, like he wanted me again, like he could eat me whole and I’d enjoy it just as much as he would.
When he caught up to my backtracking and met me chest to chest at the door, he whispered down to me, “I’m memorizing this feeling, the one where you act like you don’t want this because when you end up begging me for it, I want to make sure we’re both aware that I was right from the start.”
“I don’t need to get off, Jay.”
“But you want to.”
“Sure.” I shrugged. “Like I said before, there’s toys for that. And men. I’m sure there are tons of men in this town for me to meet.”
His eyebrows slammed down. “Mikka, you don’t belong with anyone in this town.”
“I don’t want to belong to anyone right now either. I just want fun, Jay. I’m finding myself without Dougie so I can figure out if we’ll ever be able to be together again. What better place and time to do that than here?”
He sucked on his teeth. “Not smart here or anywhere near me.”
“Then, let me go back to LA. You don’t need me here. You have friends, family, people that care about you here. I can go back and lick my wounds there while I set up your schedule for you. By the way, have you seen my book bag?” I’d searched my room this morning and hadn’t found it. I almost panicked and ran to the bar but recalled Jay having it on the porch last night.
He leaned back. “I’m holding on to it for now.”
“Uh, no. I need that back.”
“At the end of the month when we both go back to LA, you can have it.”
“You realize I don’t belong here. I belong in the city. With my bag.”
He hummed low and dragged a finger down my arm. “You’re perfect here. With me. And without your bag. Let’s go repot some plants, huh?”
I narrowed my eyes. “Guessing I should change?”
He nodded as he eyed my clothes. The white blouse I had on cost much more than I was willing to waste rolling in mud. I went to put on some of my least favorite athleisure clothes. Unfortunately, I hadn’t packed well. I didn’t know if my ass-hugging compression leggings and my zip-up tank with a built-in sports bra were ideal.
I stepped out into the sun and shielded my eyes from the light to observe the older woman hovering over her plants with Jay. Her hands dug into the soil with care. She didn’t wince at getting it under her nails, and I glanced down at my manicure, wondering if it would withstand the beating it was about to get.
Jay smirked from where he was crouched. “Come on, princess. I promise it won’t be that bad.”
“I didn’t say it would be bad at all,” I countered as I knelt down next to Lorraine. “I’m always happy to help.”
I wasn’t. I wanted to cringe as my knee hit the dirt, and I was sure there were bugs all around us. Lorraine caught me surveying our surroundings.
“It’s a bit nipply for bugs.” She cackled at her choice of words and I found myself smiling.
“Should have worn more padding, huh?” I replied.
Her head shot up as if she was completely taken aback that I’d joined in. Then she let loose a smile that showed her molars. “No way, Mikka. If you don’t let the headlights out every now and then, the boys down the block won’t know where to find you.”
Jay groaned. “Lorraine, she’s not trying to lead men here.”
Lorraine harrumphed. “Even if you aren’t, Mikka, it’s good to know your options, and the men don’t flock to a nest where a bird doesn’t show off her feathers, if you know what I mean.”
I nodded solemnly as I moved a pot closer to her. She lifted a plant from the ground. When she set it in place, she pointed to a fertilizer bag. I grabbed it and started pouring it in. “I know what you mean.”
“She’s smarter than most of the women around here, Jay,” Lorraine announced, and I felt like I’d just won a freaking award. Why did I suddenly want to make this woman proud?
We worked for some time that way. Lorraine gave unsolicited advice as I filled pots. Jay grumbled about it all while taking the pots and carrying them indoors. I stole more than one glance at his backside, at the way he lifted each plant effortlessly, and at how the veins in his arms popped when he did.
At one point, Lorraine leaned in to whisper, “Now, now. Don’t make it so obvious. We all know he’s a hottie, but make him work for it. He scares easier than most. Not because he’s afraid of commitment.”
I tilted my head at her in question.
She continued, “That’s what everyone says, but I know my Jay. He only holds back from committing because he doesn’t want to be the primary reason for someone’s pain. He wants to be there for the good times and to pick you up if you’re down.”
“I’m not quite sure I understand,” I said as I stared off after him.
“His momma’s heart broke for his daddy. He was there to pick her up and make her smile. Aubrey went through some things as a kid. She broke down and he picked her up too. He’s avoided ever being the cause of someone’s pain.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“He feels it like it’s his own.”
I nodded. “I think you’re right.”
“Don’t let him just feel your pain, missy. I know you got it too. I saw it the second you walked up with him. You think you belong back where you came from, but something happened there because Jay’s protective of you. So, let me give you some advice.”
She waited as I took a breath because I wasn’t sure I wanted the advice she was about to give. I nodded then, deciding that someone with this much understanding of me already deserved to give me advice more than most people.
“Don’t run back to your problem. I did that with my husband. I went back time and time again. I shouldn’t have. I used to dance and sing whenever I was away from him. He dimmed my spirit. I only got it back when he passed not so long ago. It’s the happiest I’ve ever been.”
“I’m happy you’re happy.” Her words made me want to shrink up and disappear because they hit so close to home. Was I throwing away my life, dimming my moments to shine?
“Yeah, well, I should have freed my nips long before then.”
I burst out laughing. “Maybe. But you can now.”
She patted my shoulder. “You can too. I’ll help. Don’t you worry.”
The sun started to set but I kept working. The dirt would break away from the plants and I could dust it away to find roots long and thick hidden away. Repotting them and positioning them in dark soil to stand straight turned into one small accomplishment after another. They looked alive, new, and like they were thriving every single time.
Lorraine released us so we could go clean up while she made dinner. I showered away the grime but didn’t feel at all disgusted with the chore we’d just done. Instead, I felt rejuvenated, reenergized, ready to conquer it all. Especially when I saw some of our work displayed around the house.
Jay even told me I had placed the plants just right. They stood tall, centered, and almost proud. I decided I would water them over my stay and enjoy my newfound skill. Such a small chore reminded me that hard work paid off, that if Jay and I worked hard enough, we could come out of all this ahead.
I jumped when my phone rang.
And my heart sank when I saw Dougie’s name on the screen.
Jay walked by and whisked it out of my hands. “Not today. Or this month.”
I bit my lip, thinking over what was best. “I should talk to him.”
“He should learn to give you space.”
“I don’t know if that much space will end up being healthy for us.”
“I’m trying here, Meek, but you and I both know what I want to say.”
“What? That what we had wasn’t healthy?”
“Something along those lines.”
“Well, there were a lot of unhealthy things we were both doing back in LA,” I grumbled because the call had soured the day. It reminded me that this was just a little bubble and we couldn’t get lost in it. We needed to face reality: we were both in shitty situations.
“You’re right. I’m thinking you’ll get a call from our boss soon too. That’s the only damn reason I haven’t dunked your phone into the toilet at this point.”
Normally, Jay would have avoided a business call at all costs. Our agency had a rough time getting a hold of him. They called me for updates, instead. “Your role in this movie is going to be phenomenal because you’re holding up your end.”
He nodded. “I’m ready for it, I think.”
“You were always ready for it, Jay.” I whispered, meaning every word.
“You might be one of the only people that believe that, but I’ll prove it to the world.” He winked at me. “If I have to take my shirt off a few times to win the Oscar for icing on the cake, I’ll do that too.”
“Oh, God.” I rolled my eyes and started to walk past him. He wrapped an arm around my waist to pull me back, chuckling at my disgust with his arrogance.
His arm dug right into the spot of pain, though. I tensed and sucked in air as I grabbed his arm to ward off the pressure against the bruising.
“What?” He jumped back immediately, my sensitivity shocking him. His hands were up in the air like he thought he was the one who’d done something wrong. “What is it?”
I held the ribs I knew weren’t broken but were definitely bruised. “It’s nothing.”
I sounded defeated, as meek as my nickname, and embarrassed. All the things I definitely was in that moment.
I didn’t want to admit to him that I was injured, didn’t want to lie either. He scanned me and I must have looked a complete waste hunched over as I breathed in deep, trying to will the pain away.
“I need you to talk to me. I need to know at some point, Mikka.” He ground out the words. I looked up to find his jaw working and the muscles across his body tensing.
“What’s there to say?” I could search for decades, through every experience ever written and talked about and still not have the right words. Pain and shame couldn’t be portrayed accurately. “The stories I have don’t need to be spoken any further into existence.”
“Fine,” he growled and stalked forward. Before I could stop him, he gripped the zipper of my shirt “Can I?”
I stared into his intense azure eyes. My heart beat a mile a minute as I whispered the question I knew the answer to already, “Can you what?”
“Little Pebble, I need to see. You need to show me.” One of his hands went to my cheek and he rubbed his thumb back and forth as if my skin was made of fragile porcelain.
Was I that delicate and that worthy of his soft touch? His stare searched deep down within me and somehow I felt like he waded through everything that was insubstantial about me. He got to my heart and rooted himself with my soul.
I rolled my lips between my teeth, trying to hold back the fear of letting someone else I cared about see. I closed my eyes as I nodded once.
He took a deep breath and ran his hand down my shoulder as the other slowly pulled the zipper down. He slid his fingers under the shirt and my skin shivered at his touch. As he smoothed his hands over me toward the shirt, it fell away.
I didn’t look down at myself. I knew from his eyes widening, it looked worse than I made it out to be every time I stared at myself in the mirror.
As he hummed low, I knew he’d seen the dark purple circle on the side of my ribs. The swelling had gone down, but the reddish, purple coloring hadn’t faded much.
“Jesus,” he blew out, the one word falling from his lips like he was destroyed by it. Then he fell to his knees as his hands ran over my skin. Something was happening as he stared at me, as he assessed the damage. His touch was as delicate as a feather blown over me by a breeze. His azure eyes shined as if they were lone stars leading me back to the safety I longed for.
He leaned in and gently grazed his lips across the darkened skin. He held me like I was cracked glass, like I could shatter under him. And in that moment, I wondered if I would.
No man had ever kissed me so softly, so full of worship, so tenderly.
My body heated, my nipples tightened, and my thighs shook.
Why did something that was supposed to be wrong feel right?
I wondered if the red string of Yue Lao was pulling us together as my arms wrapped around him. I wondered if this was where we were supposed to be.
He unbuttoned my pants and I let him. I was lost in him, oblivious to the idea that I could be anywhere else but with him in this moment.
But then he stopped.
He took a steadying breath and leaned his forehead against my stomach. I combed my hands through his hair and slowly pulled him back. “You’re stopping?”
“You’re in pain. It’s not the way I want to take you.”
This man wanted to cherish me. He’d rooted himself in my heart. I’d stopped thinking someone could want to do just that with Dougie. Dougie wouldn’t have cared and that had made my heart lose all hope. It had turned cold. But Jay’s soft touches and the way he cared for me warmed the heart I thought had frozen over. It turned me on the way I hadn’t been turned on in months. “I’ll be fine, Jay.”
I said the words to soothe him, to have him carry on, but he shook his head. His face was marred with concern.
“When?” His fingers lightly grazed over my bottom rib as he stood back up.
“It doesn’t matter,” I mumbled. If I admitted it was from two weeks ago, he’d be even more concerned that this wasn’t the worst of it. “You were still in rehab, and Dougie and I just weren’t connecting.”
He lifted my chin so I could look into his eyes as he said, “You. Deserve. Better. Your skin’s like porcelain, little one. Don’t you get that he should be treating you like it?”
I didn’t know if I believed that anymore, and I wasn’t sure there was a better man out there who would treat me that way. The only one I knew of stood in front of me, and he’d never committed to a woman in his life. Dougie had. “He’s sorry. You know he is. You saw how sorry he is.”
“He’s scared, not sorry. He’ll say whatever to keep you around. Anyone would. You’re too damn precious to lose.” His hands slid to my waist to hold me steady as he leaned in to study my ribs again. Goosebumps skittered across my skin and my body reacted to him like it never did with Dougie anymore. I wasn’t afraid of this man; I wasn’t concerned for my wellbeing. There was something in the way he touched me—I wasn’t a treasure, but he made me feel like one.
“You get checked out?” He pressed softly over one rib to feel for a break.
I winced a bit and cleared my throat. Admitting it all out loud felt more shameful than experiencing it. “I went to the doctor. Nothing is broken.”
“So, you put it on record?”
I stepped back. My head was clouding, getting lost in his touch, getting lost in a feeling that wasn’t real, that wasn’t an option. “I told them I fell into a railing.”
“Dougie’s fist that railing?”
I spun to zip my top back up. “It’s more complicated than that and you know it. We’re the reason for that. Our kiss—that should have never happened, might I add—put stress on my relationship. I failed and I’m trying to fix it.”
“That kiss was bound to happen.” His stare was hard and glaring. “And a relationship isn’t just you failing, Meek. There’s two people involved.”
I narrowed my eyes at him over my shoulder. “Jay, you can’t give me advice on relationships.”
“Why?”
“Because you’ve never been in one!” I screamed. I put my hands over my face, trying to hide my frustration. Then I pulled them through my hair and faced him. “Let’s just drop this, okay?”
The silence stretched between us. He curled his lips over his teeth, fisted his hand, and clenched his jaw like he had more to say.
I stopped him. “Don’t. Please just don’t.”
“First rule was what?” he asked, holding up a finger.
I shook my head, not ready for any of our rules.
“You’re not broken and you need to remember who you are. You don’t back down, and you don’t cower when I’m about to tell you something. You never have and you won’t start now.”
I realized at that moment that Dougie had taken a part of me. The part that gave me confidence in myself, the part that told me I could handle anything, was gone.
I’d become a victim, I’d stayed with my abuser, and I’d let him tear apart everything I’d built in myself.
I didn’t want to hear more because I was close to breaking. “I’m trying to fix things, Jay.”
“Well, stop trying. You’re better than all of that, Pebble. Remember when we met?”
I remembered him hitting on me, picking up a pebble and saying I was about as tiny as that. “Yes,” I whispered.
“I almost didn’t approach you. You had more confidence in your tiny hand than everyone on the whole beach. And when you told me you were only entertaining our conversation because you knew I was an actor, I almost walked away. You didn’t let me. You had that fight in your eyes, like you were going to make me see you were the best.”
“Yes, exactly.” I threw my hands up like he finally got it. “I don’t give up and I’m trying not to give up on my relationship either.”
“No, Meek. Because what you’re doing is giving up on yourself.”
I stumbled back at his words. “You’re one to talk about giving up when you’ve been on a self-destructive path for as long as…”
I didn’t want to finish. I was throwing insults instead of constructive criticism, and my gut clenched at my immaturity, at my need to defend the dumpster fire of a relationship I was in by tearing my best friend down.
“Going to finish?” he goaded me.
I took a deep breath and shook my head.
“Fine,” he grumbled without meeting my eyes. “Then, I’m going to the drugstore. Please ice the bruising on your side.” He stalked past me and I started to follow him, concerned I’d pushed him hard and he wouldn’t come back, that he’d go do something stupid.
And it was my job to make sure he didn’t.
More than that, though, I couldn’t fathom that I might lose him again emotionally when we were just starting to build back up what we’d lost.
“Don’t follow me, Meek. Your job isn’t on the line. I’m not going to do anything crazy.”
I opened my mouth to tell him that wasn’t the real reason I was following him. He needed to know I wasn’t just here for that, but he didn’t let me get a word in.
“And if you don’t believe me, I’m sure our company will be having you drug test me in a day or two to confirm. Let me be.”
I halted my chase. I let him go.
I told myself his wellbeing was more important at the moment than our friendship, that I had to let him deal with his own emotions, not bombard him with mine.
I pulled my phone out to shoot him a text that he needed to be back in time for dinner. I saw my schedule, though. It was the one I’d merged with his phone, and the next event that would sound for both of us was dinner with Lorraine.
Hounding him would just reinforce that I was trying to check on him.
I threw my phone on my bed and paced. My pent-up emotion had me needing a release more than anything. Glancing at the door and listening to see if anyone was near enough to hear what I would be doing in my bedroom, I concluded I was in the clear. I grabbed my mini wand vibrator from a little bag in my suitcase and went to the bathroom that sported a large claw bathtub. I poured soap in, turned the water up to a steaming temperature and slid in right when the water got high enough.
I took the waterproof vibrator and switched it on. Rubbing it once over my clit, I let my mind drift. It went straight to Jay’s hands on my waist. In my fantasy, he yanked me close and punished me by devouring my mouth the way he had that night.
I wanted to scream his name, to yank his shirt off, the one he’d been wearing when he’d grabbed me in the club and run my hands over the abs that every girl in America dreamed of. I knew firsthand he tasted like the sweet lollipops he always sucked on; with a sort of masculine finish I couldn’t pinpoint.
He tasted of temptation, desire, and my ultimate ruin.
I switched the device to high and slid it inside me, but the thoughts of Jay were what shook me to my core.
When he stared at me like I was the most important thing in the world, when his hands smoothed over my ribs like he’d never, ever hurt me the way someone already had, I was lost to him. I let go of the tension I’d been feeling for days and found a release so high, I wasn’t sure I’d ever convince myself that the man in the bedroom next to mine was only supposed to be a friend.
As I dried off and observed the mess I was in the mirror, I catalogued my flaws. My long hair was tangled and needed a good cut, my frame was small and not worked on like most in LA, my almond eyes weren’t a good fit in most areas, especially a small town like this one.
Jay and I weren’t compatible as more than friends.
The most striking flaws were the spots over my ribs. The bruises were almost healed, but they were still a reminder that I was damaged goods. I’d allowed this to happen. I’d been abused, broken, and beaten down into something I was sure Jay didn’t need in his life. Did he just want to fix me like he had so many others or would he want to be with me beyond that?
I curled up in bed and lay there waiting.
My phone pinged, and I jumped to see if he’d texted me.
Instead, Dougie’s name flashed on the screen.
Dougie: I miss you.
I didn’t want to write him back, but the tightening in my chest reminded me how much we’d cared for each other for so long. He’d inflicted pain but he’d also been there to soothe it away. He’d stuck with me even when I’d kissed another man and he’d tried to make it work in his own way.
He’d been there and I wanted to be there for him too.
Me: I know. This is hard for both of us.
Dougie: Just call me.
Me: We need time apart.
Dougie: I don’t need anything but you.
Me: That’s sweet, Dougie. But if we are going to be together, we need to get back on track.
Dougie: If? You aren’t leaving me.
My stomach clenched because I could hear him say it, hear the warning in his voice. He’d say the words distinctly. He’d said them before while gripping my arm so tight and shaking me after I’d threatened to do just that. I had bruises hours later.
The reminder had me closing our chat and letting his messages come in unanswered.
I stared at the phone, waiting for a text or call from Jay instead. He didn’t do either and he didn’t come home. I realized just how much anguish a lover of an addict had to go through. They waited, they wondered, they worried, and they wept as every scenario played out in their head. I knew how strong and smart he was, but I also knew the drugs stole all those things from him.
I had to believe he wouldn’t fold under the pressure, under his anger and confusion. All I could do now was wait and hope.
I wasn’t good at either of those things.