SWNOVELS Thrive: Chapter 11
Therapist: Why haven’t you called your best friend, Brey?
Jay: I need to make amends with her beyond my addiction. I need to do that face to face. I owe her a lot more than a phone call. I owe her a better friendship.
Jay
I had Lorraine leave Advil and water on her bedside the next morning. I couldn’t trust myself in there alone with her after her sharing her ideas about the iron headboard, after her kissing me, after tasting her again.
Jesus, she wanted to be ravaged. Was it just me she wanted or would she be fine with anyone giving her the attention she deserved? I’d never considered that she hadn’t been loved and cherished, that she might yearn for a touch outside of me or Dougie.
The idea had my heart picking up speed and my gut clenching. And the problem with our ground rules was I had to be honest with myself too.
Mikka wasn’t just my friend anymore.
My thoughts had crossed over after that kiss, spiraled and gained as much momentum as a tornado. When she’d thrown into our conversation last night that she’d been considering sex at Lorraine’s, I hadn’t considered that she was free to come and go without me, that she could bring a man back here, that I would have to hear that iron pounding and know it wasn’t me doing it.
The need to seek out a party barreled through me. If this was just the start of the month, just a few days out of rehab, I would have to remind myself daily that some movies were meant to be told by me and only me. This movie needed someone who respected the role, respected the lines and believed them. That someone was me. I had to find a way to stay relaxed. Stress was a trigger of mine. Therapy had taught me that.
It taught me that fatiguing the stress was a combative option too.
I put my running shoes on and bolted out of the house. I burned off the little bit of alcohol I’d drunk and took my frustration out on the sidewalk, on the open winding roads.
Halfway into my run, I turned a corner and saw dark, auburn hair blowing in the wind. “Brey, slow your ass down.”
She turned and stopped running. “Fancy seeing you here.”
“Running off the grogginess of last night too?”
“The hangover? Yeah, your brother was supposed to come, but he said he was inspired to write some lyrics this morning.”
“Huh. He hasn’t written in a while.” I scratched my jaw.
“He won’t sing it. But he said he knows who is meant to sing it already.”
“Sounds about right.” I nodded and started to stroll up the street. “You two heading back today?” They lived about two hours away in the city. I had a feeling they’d come to check in with me and would be gone soon enough.
Aubrey narrowed her eyes though. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“Give me a break, baby girl. You know I love you; I want you here whenever you can be.”
“Then why didn’t you call?”
“I’m trying not to bother you or burden you.”
“Was I a burden to you all those years ago?”
“What?” I halted, scrambling through all the times we’d spent together. Brey was my girl. She’d moved in next door back when we were kids. She was quiet, but quick on her feet. She was polite but had a mouth that could cut down the best of them. She was reserved, but fun and caring. She had needed a friend more than anyone I’d ever seen, and I wasn’t one to ever turn away someone in need.
I fell in love with having her around. She accepted my crazy need to enjoy life and I went into every damn scenario with that need. She might have been reserved, but she pushed herself more than any other person I knew to make me happy. She was there for me and I was there for her.
Until the fire. My brother found her house burning down and saved her. After that, their relationship changed. Ours did too. We were still best friends, but something died in her that night and I swear the only person who could fill the hole was my brother.
“After the fire, your mom took me in. Did it feel like a burden having me live with you all?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I screwed up my face in confusion. “We fought tooth and nail to have you there. We wouldn’t have had you anywhere else.”
“Exactly. You aren’t a burden to me either. Jax and I want to be there for you. You have to let me be there for you because I will be whether you like it or not.”
“Woman, that’s different. You didn’t ask for your shit. I asked for mine. I got caught up in the life of it. I was reckless and . . . I can’t lose this role.” I shook my head as my voice broke. “It means a lot, so I’m trying to clean up the mess I made.”
“I’m going to clean it up too. That’s what friends do.”
I cleared my throat, not sure how to say the next words that had to come out. They would be the reason I kept avoiding her if I didn’t let them go. “You should have lived with us long before the fire, Brey.” I sighed and pulled my shirt up to wipe sweat from my face. “There are things I need to apologize for, things I’m not proud of. I’m supposed to deal with my mental instability by letting go of things, by confronting things. I should have spoken up about the abuse going on in your home long before your father set that house on fire. I should have…”
She walked right up to me and shoved me hard in the chest. “Don’t you dare put that on yourself.”
“Baby girl.” I tried to grab her hands but she shoved me again.
“No!” She screamed the word, loud enough for all the town to hear.
No one was in sight, but they were watching. This town leaned in when they heard a whisper and listened extra closely from behind a closed curtain if they heard a stir.
“This, here, this healing”—she spat out the word like it was acid on her tongue—“it doesn’t work without family. My therapy almost broke me because I wasn’t listening to anyone but the voice inside my head.”
I wanted to stop her and tell her my situation was different. She’d suffered the loss of her parents, her home, and her life.
I’d just fucked mine up.
That was the difference between me and so many others who survived their addiction. Rehab separated those who’d lived a life much less fortunate than mine and those who’d been given it all. I was in the latter group. I didn’t want for much. My group seemed to take their rehab stint as a joke. The other group looked at their stint as a miracle—they’d somehow survived and been given an extra chance.
They were fighters, warriors, champions.
Brey was the queen of all of them. She’d faced her battle and conquered it.
“I don’t believe that for a second,” I said. “Your voice is the strongest one out there, Sasspot.”
“My voice is deranged. Everyone in therapy is there because the voice in their head is off for some reason, Jay. Don’t let me or anyone else fool you. We can’t set ourselves straight unless we have people helping us steer in the right direction. This life has too many turns to navigate all on our own.”
“I’m here with Mikka all month.”
“Mikka isn’t your best friend.” She cocked her head like she was daring me to argue the statement.
“No,” I let out slowly and started walking back to Lorraine’s with her by my side.
“She’s a very pretty friend and an almost too-attractive PA.”
I scratched the back of my neck. “Yeah, I’m aware.”
“So, you’ve slept with her?” Brey phrased it as a question but didn’t wait for the answer. “I don’t see how it’s healthy to bring someone like that on a trip to center yourself and heal.”
“She’s a good PA, Brey. And an even better friend. And the agency wanted her along.”
“And your PA didn’t fight to stay home? So, what? She have some crush on you that she wanted to be here?” The cynical tone in Brey’s voice had me smiling.
“Are you now concerned about me sleeping with my PA? What’s the worst that could happen if I did?” I laughed at the notion, brushing off the tiny niggling feeling that came with it.
“She could become attached and when you tell her you can’t commit, she could quit, leak information, file a lawsuit, sue you for God knows what, and ultimately have you lose your movie deal.”
“Who says I can’t commit?”
She rolled her eyes. “Come on, Jay.”
For the first time ever, her lack of belief in my ability to commit irritated me. She didn’t believe I was capable. Had I never given her reason to think I could be serious about anything?
Did Mikka feel the same?
“Sorry, that was harsh,” Brey backtracked.
“It was honest.” I turned onto Lorraine’s sidewalk and pulled Brey into a hug. “Baby girl, get past me not calling. We’re family. I’m sorry, okay?”
She snuggled into my hug and nodded. “Don’t do it again. I’m going insane worrying about you. I mean it. Jax is about to flip out on us both for how anxious I’ve been lately.”
“My brother’s an asshat. Remind me why you chose to be with him.”
“Because you were sleeping with half the cheer team?” she teased me, but we both knew we’d never clicked that way. She was like a kid sister to me, a complete pain in my ass half the time and a necessary person in my life all the time.
“I slept with the whole team.”
She laughed and jogged off, leaving me wondering again about my lack of commitment to any of the cheerleaders or other women in my life.
When I walked inside, I found Lorraine and Mikka enjoying tea. Mikka was laughing at something Lorraine had said as the sun streamed in through the windows. Her shining black hair lay straight against her back, and her small frame was dwarfed by the massive wooden table.
“Honeys, I’m home,” I announced, sliding off my tennis shoes.
Lorraine blew a raspberry. “We saw you out there hugging other women. We’re not at all interested in your arrival now.”
I fumbled at her statement. “That was Brey out there.”
“So? You left us to go jog with a beautiful woman. I, for one, never did and never will stand for that in a man.”
I glanced at Mikka who had a small smile on her face and shrugged at me. I wasn’t sure of Lorraine’s angle, but I suddenly felt a need to explain myself. “Lorraine, you know Brey’s my sister-in-law.”
“I know what she is. I’ve also read the tabloids over the years. Someone like Mikka might not know your history.” She harrumphed and wide-eyed me as if I had better explain.
In the span of my jogging, Mikka had won over Lorraine and Lorraine had switched to matchmaker. I saw this for what it was: Lorraine trying to explain away any misunderstandings because Aubrey and I were old news in this town. No one actually believed we had an underlying relationship.
“Lorraine, Mikka knows my history with Brey. She’s my PA. She knows the magazines have printed lies for ages. Right, Mikka?”
Mikka waited for a second longer than I expected. “Yeah, I know.”
The extra hesitation was enough for me to jump on it. “Why did you wait to answer?” I glanced at Lorraine and she lifted her eyebrows as if to say, ‘See, explain yourself.’
“I didn’t wait,” Mikka denied and got up to put her empty tea cup in the sink. Lorraine joined her and started washing dishes. Lorraine made no attempt to leave the room; she leaned in to make sure the conversation was going her way.
“You did. You know Brey and I have never had anything, right?” I asked.
“It doesn’t matter if you have or haven’t. I think the press honestly believes you never did now, so that’s all that’s needed.”
I stalked up to her. “No, that’s not all that’s needed. You need to be aware that I would never have slept with her. She’s like a damn sister to me.”
“I don’t care one way or the other, Jay,” she mumbled, but she didn’t meet my eyes.
“Well, you should.”
Lorraine gasped, and Mikka’s eyes snapped to mine with something very close to hope.
“At the very least,” I continued, “I’d like you to know I have a better conscience than that. You’ve been friends with me all this time and wondered if I was sleeping with my brother’s wife?”
“No,” she blurted and stepped back like she needed the distance. “I don’t know. I just . . . she’s beautiful and the pictures in magazines are…”
“Lies,” I spat.
She nodded with conviction. “I assumed that. It’s just…”
“Well, I put a bug in her ear,’ Lorraine admitted over the dishes, not at all embarrassed about her eavesdropping. “I told her to look on out that window at the pretty woman and man hugging. Someone needs to lay out all your quirks. Mikka needs to be aware.”
“She’s aware. Don’t stir the pot when there’s nothing in there to stir, Lorraine. You know how this town talks,” I chastised her.
She laughed and changed the subject. “Are you two going to help me winterize some of my flowers? The autumn air is going to bring the first frost soon.”
“Whatever you need, Lorraine.” I made my way up the stairs, ushering Mikka to follow me.
She started wringing her hands in the hallway, not able to control the apprehension seeping from her. “I’m sorry. That was weird. You don’t need weird right now.”
I waved her into my room and shut the door behind her. “Lorraine’s just giving us shit. Don’t mind her or the whole town for that matter. They’re going to throw a lot more shit our way.”
She tilted her head. “So, are you going to be helping Lorraine for the next few hours?”
“We”—I emphasized the word and motioned between us—“will be helping Lorraine.”
She backed away toward the door. “Oh, no. I don’t have… I can’t. I don’t like plants. I don’t have a green thumb and digging in dirt is not something I enjoy.”
I chuckled as I pulled my work out shirt over my forehead and grabbed an old t-shirt I’d packed. “You’re getting dirty with me, Meek. I’ll teach you. I’m good at getting dirty.”