The Tearsmith: A Novel

Desire is a flame

that extinguishes the mind

and ignites the heart.

‘Nica?’

I blinked, coming back to reality.

Norman was looking at me, slightly worried.

‘Is that okay for you?’

He and Anna were watching me.

‘I’m sorry, I got distracted,’ I stammered.

‘The psychologist, Nica,’ Anna replied patiently. ‘You remember we spoke about it? We said that maybe talking with someone would help make you feel better,’ she continued delicately. ‘Well, my friend has given me the number of a very good one who is available in the next few days.’ She looked at me closely. ‘What do you think?’

A feeling of anxiety pricked at my stomach, but I tried not to let it show. Anna wanted to help me, she just wanted what was best for me. Knowing that eased my discomfort, but it didn’t make it disappear. Her encouraging look, however, made me take heart.

‘Okay,’ I replied, trying to trust her.

‘Okay?’

I nodded. I could at least give it a go.

She seemed happy to finally be able to do something for me.

‘All right then. I’ll call the practice later to confirm.’ She smiled at me and stroked my hand, then looked over my shoulders with a bright expression. ‘Oh, hello!’

Every inch of me tensed as Rigel came into the kitchen. My skin became sensitive to his presence and my stomach filled with sparks. It took all my strength not to look up and plant my eyes on him.

What had happened the previous night was still aflame inside of me.

His lips, his hands…

I felt them all over me. I would have thought I had dreamt them if I couldn’t still feel them burning against my skin.

He sat down opposite me and I dared a glance at him.

His dishevelled hair framed his attractive face. He lifted a glass of juice to his mouth, his eyes pinned on Anna and Norman, who were telling him something.

He seemed…normal. Not like me. I was a ball of nerves.

He ate breakfast, apparently calm, and his eyes didn’t glance towards me once.

Images of our bodies clinging to each other flashed through my mind and I gripped my mug tightly.

He didn’t mean to ignore what had happened…did he?

At some point, he took an apple with a lazy smile and said something that made Anna and Norman burst out laughing. He lifted the fruit to his mouth and, while they were distracted, his gaze fell on me.

Rigel plunged his teeth into the apple in a long, deep bite, locking me in his gaze. He licked his upper lip and slowly looked my body up and down.

It took me a moment to realise that the ceramic mug was burning my fingers.

‘It’s raining,’ I heard Anna say, as if from another world. ‘I’ll drive you to school today.’

—

‘Are you ready?’ she asked a little later. She slipped her coat on while Rigel was coming down the stairs. ‘Have you got an umbrella?’

I shoved a small one inside my backpack, trying to fit it in among the books. In the meantime, Anna went outside to bring the car around.

I moved closer to the front door. There was that scent of freshness in the air that I really liked. I reached my arm out to open the door and leave, but something stopped me.

Rigel had reached his arm over my head and was holding the door closed.

‘You’ve got a ladder in your tights.’

His deep voice so close made me shudder.

‘Did you know?’

His tall, dominating presence loomed over me.

‘No,’ I said faintly, sensing him come closer. ‘Where?’

His warm breath caressed my neck. The next moment, he reached round and I felt his finger burning my skin, just below the hem of my skirt. He pressed his fingertip on it, turning his face up towards me.

‘Here,’ he said slowly, through his teeth.

I looked down and swallowed.

‘It’s only little…’

‘But it’s still there,’ he said in a gravelly murmur.

‘It’s almost covered by my skirt,’ I replied. ‘You can hardly see it…’

‘You can see it enough…to wonder where it goes.’

There was something suggestive in his tone. I felt myself blushing.

‘I can always take them off,’ I said without thinking. Rigel’s breathing became heavier.

‘Take them off?’

‘Sure,’ I cheeped. His chest pressed against my back. ‘I always carry a spare pair with me…I can change them.’

‘Mm…’ he murmured on my skin, as if lost in me, and that simple sound made my stomach burn.

His attention made me melt like wax, and at the same time, I felt alive, electrified and feverish.

I was lost in him, in the tension radiating off him, in his heat, his silence, his breath…

The sound of the car horn tooting brought me back to reality. Anna was waiting for us.

I bit my lip as Rigel moved away and the heat of his body disappeared.

He moved past me through the door. Lingering in the slipstream of his scent, I let out a sigh that I could never let the rest of the world hear.

—

Billie’s yellow raincoat was the first thing I glimpsed on that drizzly morning. She was standing on the wet asphalt by the gates, her face downturned. She gave me a faint smile of relief, and I realised that she had been waiting for me because she didn’t want to go in alone. She tried to ask me about the party, but I wanted to find out how she was doing. Judging by the bags under her eyes, she hadn’t slept well.

‘You…haven’t called her, have you?’ I asked cautiously as we approached the lockers.

Billie didn’t reply, which saddened me.

‘Billie…’

‘I know,’ she whispered sorrowfully.

I didn’t want to insist. But even though I knew that forcing the matter wouldn’t achieve anything, there was still some part of me that couldn’t let it be.

‘You need time,’ I murmured, ‘and that’s understandable. But if you told her that…if you spoke to her.’

‘I can’t,’ she swallowed. ‘It’s all so…so…’

She froze, torment flashing through her pale eyes. I didn’t have time to turn around before she picked up her backpack and headed straight to class.

Miki, behind me, slowed down. She watched her go with a dull, wounded expression.

‘Miki,’ I gave her a smile that I hoped was supportive. ‘Hello…’

She opened her locker without replying. She looked as bad as Billie, as if that rift in their relationship had broken them both.

I looked down.

‘I wanted to say thank you,’ I said after a moment. ‘For yesterday. For having me over, and helping me with my make-up.’ I stared at my hands and continued. ‘It was really nice to meet your parents. And I know you maybe don’t want to hear this right now but…despite what happened, I had a nice afternoon. It was nice spending time all together.’

Miki had frozen. She wasn’t looking at me, but after a while, she spoke. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t reply,’ she murmured quietly.

I knew she was talking about the messages I had sent her asking how she was.

‘It’s okay,’ I replied. I touched her hand and she looked down. ‘If you want to talk about it, I’m right here.’

She didn’t reply, but her eyes, when they looked up at me from under her hood, said more than she ever would have.

‘Hey, Blackford.’

Out of nowhere, a hand landed on Miki’s locker. It was a boy with thick brown hair, Miki’s classmate. I recognised him as we had had a few classes together.

He flashed a cocky smile that made many girls giddy.

‘The weather’s matching your mood today?’

‘Go fuck yourself, Gyle.’

Gyle threw a cheerful glance at his friend.

‘I need science notes,’ he said, not beating about the bush. ‘Well, who doesn’t…that sicko Kryll is giving us a test next week. He’s hysterical about these jars of creatures that keep going missing from his lab…You’ve got all the notes, right?’

She ignored him. He tilted his head.

‘Well?’ He smiled unpleasantly. ‘I know you can’t wait to do me this favour. After all, you must be pleased someone’s deigning to speak to you.’

Miki was silent. He looked her up and down.

‘If you didn’t always wear those trampy hoodies,’ he insinuated, leaning over her, ‘you know what other favours you could do me?’

Both he and his friend burst out laughing. Miki elbowed him sharply in the ribs. I threw an uneasy glance at my friend, and Gyle’s cocky look turned to me.

‘Hey, little Dover. You’ve got a ladder in your tights, did you know?’

I opened my eyes wide. He looked at me as though I was a little mouse.

‘How intriguing…’

‘Beat it, dickhead,’ Miki growled. I tried to pull my skirt down to cover the ladder, but my efforts just seemed to amuse him.

Gyle leant over me, smirking.

‘You know what they say,’ he whispered in my ear. ‘Some things are best left to the imagina—’

He was shoved forcefully into the row of lockers. A hand was gripping his arm.

His stupefied expression soon turned to anger. He spun around to glare furiously at the culprit. But he froze when he realised who it was.

Rigel slowly turned. His naturally predatory eyes fell on Gyle, and he looked at him for a long moment before languidly parting his lips.

‘Whoops.’

Gyle didn’t react. Even his friend behind him had stopped laughing. He seemed to find his voice only when Rigel started moving away.

‘Watch out,’ he murmured quietly, threateningly. He was maybe hoping that Rigel wouldn’t hear, but those feline eyes swivelled back to him, as if Rigel had been waiting for precisely that.

‘ “Watch out”,’ he repeated with a cutting sneer. Something glinted in his black eyes, a sort of dark amusement. ‘For who? For you?’

Gyle nervously looked away. His cockiness had disappeared. He suddenly seemed like he wanted to eat his words.

‘It doesn’t matter.’

Rigel gave him a lingering look. The entire corridor was coursing past him, a river of adoring and hostile looks. He stood tall and cruelly gorgeous in the middle of the flow. A masterpiece of fangs and ink.

Then, for a fraction of a second, his gaze fell on me. My heart leapt, but then Rigel turned and walked down the corridor.

‘Arrogant bastard,’ Gyle hissed, when he was out of earshot.

I watched as Rigel took a book out of his locker.

‘I’m not sure about him.’

I blinked and turned towards Miki. She was holding a book and looking away from me.

‘About who?’ I asked, perplexed. Then it dawned on me. ‘Rigel?’

She nodded. ‘There’s something…strange about him.’

‘Strange?’ I tried to understand, opening a bottle of water and lifting it to my lips.

‘Yes. There’s something about him. His behaviour.’

‘In what way?’

‘I don’t know how to explain it…maybe it’s just a vibe…but sometimes he looks at you as though he wants to devour you…’

I choked on my water. I coughed loudly, thumped my chest, and hoped that she wouldn’t notice my unease.

‘What are you talking about?’ I swallowed, as my eyes looked everywhere but at her. I suddenly felt as nervous as a spider. I started tidying my notebooks in my locker in an attempt to seem busy. I thought I could feel Miki looking at me closely, but then Gyle decided to remind her of his existence.

‘So?’ he insisted again. ‘You’ll lend me your notes?’

‘No,’ she shot back bluntly. ‘Deal with it.’

‘Oh, come on!’ Gyle argued.

‘I said no.’

‘You want something in exchange, is that it? You think maybe a good fuck would do you good?’

‘I swear, Gyle, I’m going to clobber you over the head with this violin,’ Miki snarled. ‘Piss off.’

‘What about you, Dover?’

I jumped. Helpless, my eyes darted to Gyle. He smirked at the look on my face.

‘Do you have the notes?’

‘I…’ I stammered, as his gaze fell to the ladder in my tights and then ran up my thighs.

‘You could let me see…’

I felt myself burning with shame when I noticed that Rigel had looked up from the book he had been flicking through and was staring at us.

‘Have you got a knack for anatomy?’ Gyle came closer to my face. ‘I bet you have…’

Something struck his head with force.

The violin resounded in its case and he lifted a hand to his head, rubbing it with a grimace.

‘Don’t try to use your brain, dickhead,’ Miki spat through gritted teeth, putting an end to the conversation.

—

Billie had told me never to believe corridor gossip, as most of the time it was made up. I left the classroom with the excuse of needing to go to the bathroom, hoping she was right.

My hurried footsteps echoed down the empty corridor. I slipped past the row of lockers and saw that the white door at the end was ajar. Plucking up my courage, I peered inside, then pushed the door fully open, slipped into the room and closed the door behind me.

Two eyes lifted to me.

Rigel was sat right in the middle of the infirmary.

‘I heard what happened,’ I said, getting straight to it. I immediately noticed a red mark and a cut on his white cheekbone.

Are you all right? I wanted to ask, but instead, a nasty sense of foreboding made me say, ‘Is it true?’

Rigel stared at me, his face downturned.

‘What?’

‘Rigel…’ I sighed wearily. It was always like this with him. Every word was a convoluted insinuation. ‘You know what. Is it true?’

‘It depends,’ he replied, with a show of nonchalance. ‘Which part are you referring to?’

‘The part where you broke Jason Gyle’s nose during baseball.’

According to the gossip, Gyle had had the misfortune of finding himself in Rigel’s path when Rigel was hitting the ball during practice. Too bad that it had been Gyle who had thrown him the ball. And that Rigel had smacked the bat into it so forcefully that it was sent right back at Gyle’s face fast enough to break the sound barrier.

‘It wasn’t Rigel Wilde’s fault,’ the girls in his class had protested. ‘He didn’t do it deliberately, he’s innocent.’

Rigel clicked his tongue.

‘Some people would do better to not play if they don’t have a sporting attitude,’ he joked. ‘It was a tragic accident.’

‘That’s not what I heard,’ I murmured.

His eyes glinted. He looked at me in that shadowy, mischievous way he’d had since he was a little boy.

‘And what did you hear?’

‘That you provoked him.’

I had seen Miki between classes. Thunderstruck, she swore she had glimpsed Rigel hiding a twisted smile after the ‘accident’.

At that point, the teacher had clearly seen Gyle jump onto Rigel like a ferocious animal. Rigel had stayed still just long enough to let his face be ruined by a punch, then he had unleashed a devastating flurry of blows.

That was why I had come to find him. It was Miki who had told me where he was.

‘Provoke him? Me?’ he repeated in a light drawl. ‘What hurtful slander…’

I shook my head, exhausted, and came closer to him. His eyes seemed more alert.

‘How is it you always end up in fights?’ I asked him.

Rigel tilted his head to one side and smiled, unabashed.

‘Are you worried about me, Nica?’

‘Yes,’ I whispered without hesitation. ‘You always end up getting hurt. The last thing I want to see is you with more wounds.’

The tone of the conversation shifted as if I had said something important. I didn’t want to joke about this. Rigel was watching me now, without any games or pretence.

‘The wounds you can see are the only ones that go away,’ he replied, with a seriousness that made my chest tighten.

‘Not everything has to hurt forever, Rigel,’ I told him. ‘Some things can heal. Even if it takes time, even if it doesn’t seem possible…sometimes they can. Sometimes…even just a little part of us can heal.’

He watched me for a long time.

Those rare moments when Rigel had such a docile expression gave me shivers. I wanted to touch him.

My fingers brushed against his neck and then his jaw.

‘What does that mean…“heal”?’ he asked, without taking his eyes off me.

He seemed like a wild but submissive beast in my hands.

‘Healing means…touching with kindness something that was touched with fear.’

I touched the cut on his cheekbone, and thought I felt him trembling.

Suddenly, my heart leapt as he touched me.

I held my breath as he squeezed my knees, his fingers pressing against the tender, supple flesh revealed by the hole in my tights.

His fingertips left burning traces up my thighs. He pulled me closer to him and I suppressed a shiver.

‘Rigel…’

‘You’re still wearing those tights,’ he remarked, noting that I hadn’t changed them. His fingers slowly squeezed and my heart thumped against my ribs.

‘Rigel, we’re at school…’

‘I told you, Nica,’ he growled. ‘That tone of voice just makes matters worse…’

Suddenly, the sound of footsteps came from beyond the door. I froze.

The door handle turned.

Without thinking, overcome by panic, I pulled him to his feet and shoved him into the storage closet before diving in after him.

The space was ridiculously small, and I suddenly realised what a stupid thing it was to have done. Rigel didn’t need to hide. He could have stayed there.

The door opened, and through the keyhole, I saw the nurse come in.

‘Wilde?’ The woman called.

I stopped breathing when I saw that the principal was with her.

‘He was just here,’ she declared, then they started to discuss what had happened.

I tried not to make any noise as their voices filled the room.

Behind me, Rigel also didn’t make a sound. If it weren’t for the pressure of his chest against my back, I would have struggled to believe that he really was there behind me, so meek and compliant. But feeling his controlled breathing reminded me of all the times our bodies had touched.

I brought my face closer to the keyhole and dared a careful look at the two women. How long would they stay there for?

I felt Rigel’s warm breath tickling my neck. His lips parted and the gentle sound they made slipped directly into my brain, causing a hot shiver. I tried to turn around, but his face was already there, against my neck, in that tiny space. His silky hair brushed against my cheek and my nostrils filled with his powerful musk.

‘Rigel…’

‘Shh…’ he whispered in my ear as his hands pressed around my hips.

My heart beat faster and faster.

Before I could do anything…Rigel bit my neck.

My eyes opened wide and my fingers rushed to grab his wrists. What was he doing?

He planted a long kiss on my throat and I swallowed. The feeling of my fragile, delicate body quivering against his made him hold back a gasp.

He pulled me even closer to him, his hands setting my insides aflame.

‘Stop…’ I whispered faintly.

All I got in response was a deep breath that shuddered down into my vertebrae.

His fingers ran down my thighs, then up into the hollow between my breasts, savouring the furious pounding of my heart. He took my face by my chin and tilted it to one side.

I panted, wide-eyed, as his burning lips closed around the curve of my neck, igniting me.

My ankles were tingling, I couldn’t breathe. Languidly, his mouth teased my tender skin, as if he wanted to taste me.

With his other hand, Rigel found the ladder in my tights. He nibbled my neck, tasting me, then, he slipped his finger through the hole.

His fingers slithered over my bare skin, numbing it. All I could feel was the violent thumping of my heart, his hot breath, his firm body against mine, and his finger, reaching, and then…

The two women left, and I tumbled out of the closet. The atmosphere suddenly shifted.

I turned around, my eyes wide open and my face flushed. Rigel was staring at me from the shadows, licking his swollen lips as if I was a delicacy. I stammered incoherently, and then a cold draught on my leg made me look down.

It had been little, but now the ladder was gaping; a splash of milky flesh shone through the tights. My mouth fell open and I was sure I saw him smile.

‘Oh…’ Rigel murmured. ‘Now you’ve really got to change them.’

—

It had been mad to risk that.

No one could find out what was happening between us. No one could know, or we would lose everything. I wouldn’t be able to stand never seeing Anna and Norman again. Not now that they had become such an important part of my life.

I knew that I was being contradictory, but I also knew, deep down, that I would never want to destroy what we had built together.

He didn’t seem to realise the gravity of the situation, and this worried me. From the perspective of everyone else, we were about to become a family. For some people, we already were.

We had to be careful.

But while I was acutely aware of this, I also couldn’t stop thinking about the feeling of his hands. I hardly recognised myself.

The more he touched me…the more I felt like I was going mad.

My heart shuddered.

My hands shook.

His touch moulded me and my chest filled with delirious ecstasy.

The more pieces of my soul I gave him, the more I became his.

How could I manage all this?

‘Nica, you’ve got a visitor.’ Norman poked his head into my room, interrupting my thoughts.

I looked at him, confused. When I went downstairs, I glimpsed two vivid blue eyes in the doorway and broke into a smile.

‘Adeline!’

Her eyes softened as soon as she saw me.

‘Hi,’ she greeted me warmly.

She was wearing a beanie and rain boots to keep her dry. She was like a ray of sunshine in the eye of a storm.

‘I hope I’m not disturbing you,’ she apologised. ‘I was in town and I…saw they’ve opened a new bakery. I thought of you,’ she said, slightly embarrassed. ‘They’d just baked these pastries, and I know how much you like jam…’

She held out a packet and I felt a warm sensation in my throat, as sweet as honey.

‘Adeline, you shouldn’t have…’ I took the bag and looked up at her with a smile. ‘Why don’t you stay? We could eat them together…it’s no bother,’ I anticipated, before she could say anything. ‘We’ve got that tea you really like, and it’s raining so much, come on.’

She wiped her boots on the mat and gave Norman a grateful smile as he took her coat and hung it up.

‘Make yourself at home,’ I welcomed her. ‘I’ll make some tea and be right with you.’

She did as I had told her and after a while, I came into the living room carrying a tray with a steaming teapot.

She was standing up with her back to me.

I was about to call to her, when I realised that there was someone else there too. At the far end of the room, shrouded in his usual silence, Rigel sat reading, oblivious to the rest of the world, his skin bathed in the light coming through the window.

The world stopped.

I saw something I maybe hadn’t wanted to see.

Adeline…Adeline was looking at Rigel as if nothing else existed.

With whispering eyes.

And silent lips.

With a broken heart, the sort of longing you have for something you’ve always gazed at from afar.

Adeline was looking at Rigel in exactly the same way that I looked at him.