The Tearsmith: A Novel

‘It doesn’t matter if you are destroyed.

It doesn’t matter if I am.

Mosaics are made out of shattered shards of glass,

and look how wondrous they are.’

Billie was silent for a long time. She stared blearily through her thick tears into the middle distance.

I couldn’t imagine how she must be feeling. It probably felt to her like a lifelong friendship was slipping away.

I wanted to comfort her. Tell her that it would all go back to how it was before.

But maybe the truth was that there are some things that are destined not to remain the same, despite our best efforts. Things that will inevitably change, because life follows its own course.

‘It’s okay,’ she said, when my touch reminded her I was still there. As much as I tried to believe it, I knew she didn’t even believe it herself.

‘I know it’s not,’ I replied. ‘You don’t have to pretend it is.’

Billie closed her eyes. She shook her head slowly, like a broken puppet.

‘I…I can’t believe it.’

‘Billie, Miki…’

‘Please, I…’ she interrupted, distraught. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

I looked down.

‘She didn’t do it out of pity,’ I whispered all the same, without looking at her. ‘The rose…She wasn’t just being nice. You know she wouldn’t have done that.’

‘I don’t know…anything any more.’

‘What’s happened doesn’t have to put your whole friendship into question.’ I tried to meet her eyes. ‘Your relationship has always been true, Billie…Truer than you can believe.’ I saw her swallow and added, ‘She loves you…so much…’

‘Please, Nica.’ Billie pressed her lips together as if every word could hurt her. ‘I need…a moment. To process. I know you don’t want to leave me alone, but…you don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be okay…’ She noticed my apprehensive look and seemed to want to calm me down. ‘I just want to be on my own for a bit.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, absolutely…’ She tried to smile. ‘Really, it’s…all okay. And you’ve got a party to go to, haven’t you?’

‘No, it doesn’t matter. It’s late now…’

‘But what about all this?’ she asked. ‘You don’t mean to tell me that we spent all that time getting you ready for nothing? I won’t accept it…And I’m sure Lionel must be waiting for you…’

I tried to say something, but she got in first. ‘You should go. You look amazing…this is your evening. Don’t ruin it because of me.’

‘What about you?’ I asked, looking for a reason to stay. ‘What will you do?’

‘I’ll be all right. I told you…it’s all okay. I’ve already asked Grandma to come and pick me up. She’ll be here any minute…’

I told her that I had already decided to stay, but she dragged me to my feet, smoothed my dress down and reassured me that I didn’t need to worry. Before I could insist, she pushed me gently out the room.

‘Go,’ she smiled sadly. Before I could answer back, she added, ‘Enjoy yourself…for me. We’ll speak tomorrow.’

I found myself on the landing. As soon as the door closed behind me, instead of doing as Billie had told me, I headed in the opposite direction.

I looked for Miki behind every door.

When I found the last bedroom with a closed door, I knew she must be there. I knocked.

I called her name several times before whispering that I was sorry about what had happened. I told her I didn’t want to pry, that she could let me in even if she didn’t want to talk.

That I’d stay there, next to her, for as long as she wanted.

But she didn’t reply.

Miki left the door closed. I stood there, staring at the handle, needing to see her.

‘Miss,’ a voice called.

I turned. Evangeline was looking at me, displeased.

‘The car is waiting to take you wherever you wish to go.’

The anguished look I threw her was a silent plea that I could not suppress.

‘I want to see Miki…’

‘She isn’t disposed to see anybody at the present moment,’ she replied slowly, giving me a look that said a thousand words. ‘She told the driver, however, to take you wherever you desire to go. The car is waiting for you in the avenue.’

I didn’t want to leave like this, without even having seen her.

Evangeline folded her hands over her stomach, troubled. ‘I am sorry.’

I looked down before giving a last lingering, powerless look up at the closed door. Then I gave in and followed her down the stairs.

Evangeline held out my jacket and I balled it up against my chest. Eventually, after having wished me a good evening, she walked me to the door and ushered me towards the car.

Edgard opened the door for me. I thanked him and got into the back seat. The crunch of gravel accompanied us as the car drove down the drive to the gates.

I turned around for one last glimpse at the house, before it suddenly disappeared behind the cypress trees.

I was clutching my dress when we arrived at Lionel’s house. The music was so loud it made the car shake. I found myself staring at the people crowding the garden, unable to move.

‘Is this the correct address?’ Edgard asked.

‘Yes…yes, it’s this one.’

I felt pinned to the seat, as if my heart had put down roots. But Edgard’s expectant look made me feel just enough embarrassment to open the door. I stepped out into the dark street, lit by streetlights.

People were thronging on the sidewalk and the music was so loud I could hardly hear my own thoughts. Surrounded by bare-chested boys, crates of beer and shouting, I felt out of place in my meticulously put together outfit.

I was as still as a statue, and the longer I stayed put, the more something inside of me recoiled.

What was I doing?

I had only just arrived and I already wanted to leave. I should have made my way through the crowd to find Lionel, but the feeling of being in the wrong place slowly crept over me.

Suddenly, I became aware of what I was feeling.

It wasn’t right.

Something was painfully out of place.

Something couldn’t adapt, couldn’t fit in.

It was me.

It was all of me, body and soul.

I looked at my reflection in a car window. The dress made me look like a doll.

But inside, I was ash and paper.

Inside, there were stars and wolf eyes.

My soul was torn in two, but without the other half, not even breathing made any sense.

I had gone there hoping to forget, and maybe, to find in Lionel a reason to stay. But I had been deluding myself.

You cannot deceive your own heart, shouted the universes I had enchained. And in my sad eyes, I saw all the unrelenting, inconsolable need I felt for him.

Rigel.

Rigel, who had taken root within me.

Rigel, who had anchored himself in my bones with the destructive grace of dying flowers.

Rigel, who was my constellation of shivers.

There are no fairy tales for those who beg for a happy ending. That was the truth.

And in that moment, I admitted it to myself. I didn’t know what I was doing there.

I had nothing to do with that party.

It wasn’t my place.

It wouldn’t make me forget the feelings I carried inside. It would only fill them with thorns.

I decided to leave. I’d find another opportunity to speak with Lionel. I just wanted to go home.

But before I could start making my way, I was swept off my feet.

I held back a scream. I had been lifted off the ground, flipped over and hoisted like a sack of potatoes. My bag was tangled all around me.

‘Hey, I’ve got one too!’ the stranger holding me announced, and with horror, I saw that one of his friends was doing the same with a giggling girl.

‘Now what?’ one of them asked, excited.

‘Let’s throw them in the pool!’

They let out a loud whoop and charged madly towards the house. I thrashed about and begged him to let me go, but it was useless. He was holding me so tightly I was sure his hands would leave marks on my legs.

It was only once we’d got inside that they both checked their madness and looked around, confused.

‘Err, there’s no pool here…’ one of them stammered.

I seized the opportunity to wriggle free and run away before he could catch me again.

It was hell inside. People were shouting, dancing, making out. A guy was draining a keg of beer through a tube, cheered on by a small crowd. Another was waving his cap about and moving jerkily as if he was riding a bucking bronco, which, when I looked closer, I realised was Lionel’s red lawnmower.

Dismayed, I looked for the door, but I was too short to see over all those heads.

I slipped through the crowd, looking for the exit, but suddenly someone whammed into me and I almost crashed to the floor.

‘Sorry!’ a girl said, trying to pull her friend to her feet.

Why had they all gone crazy?

‘Forgive her, she’s drunk too much…’

‘He was stunning!’ The other girl screeched, as if she had seen an extra-terrestrial. ‘He was hot as hell, fuck, but you don’t believe me! You don’t believe me!’

I tried to help her to her feet and she clung on to me.

‘He was the most beautiful guy I’ve ever seen!’ she wailed at me, her breath stinking of alcohol.

‘Yeah, yeah, okay…’ her friend muttered. ‘Otherworldly, tall, gorgeous, with eyes “darker than night”, sure…’

‘It was enough to give you a heart attack!’ the girl howled. ‘It’s not safe for someone that hot to be out in public! I had to try and touch him, you know? His skin was so white it didn’t seem real…’

I froze. Petrified, I surprised myself by gripping her arm with more force than was necessary.

‘The boy you saw…did he have dark hair?’

Her face lit up hopefully.

‘You saw him too! I knew I wasn’t dreaming!’

‘Where did you meet him? Was he…here?’

‘No,’ she whined, pointing to her right. ‘I saw him outside…One moment he was there, walking along, and I tried to get near him…God…then the next moment he was gone…’

I turned round and barged towards the door. My heart was pounding.

It was him. I felt it in every single atom of my body.

But fate was against me. I was almost at the exit when suddenly, someone grabbed my wrist. I spun around and was confronted with the only face I absolutely didn’t want to see.

‘Nica?’

Lionel was looking at me as if I wasn’t real.

‘Y…you’re here,’ he stammered, stepping closer. ‘I didn’t think I’d see you…I thought…I thought you wouldn’t come…but…’

‘Lionel,’ I muttered, mortified. ‘I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, but I’ve got to go…’

‘I’m so happy you came,’ he slurred close to my face, making me flinch away. His breath reeked of alcohol and I couldn’t really hear him over the noise.

‘I…I’ve got to go.’

The music was too loud. He took my hand and gestured for me to follow him.

He led me towards the kitchen, where we found two people rummaging in the fridge for beer. When they left, laughing, Lionel closed the door so we could talk.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch…’ I said sincerely. ‘I should have said something. But, Lionel…I wasn’t sure I was going to come and now I…’

‘It’s enough that you’re here,’ he murmured, slurring his words.

He gave me a clear, distant smile and filled a red plastic cup with punch and held it out to me.

‘Here.’

‘Oh…No, thanks…’

‘Try it,’ he insisted, beaming, before taking a big gulp in my stead. ‘Come on, just a sip.’

I decided to indulge him. I was about to head home, what did it matter? I tried the drink and screwed my eyes up. I curled my lips and he seemed satisfied.

‘Good, right?’

I forced a cough. I realised that the drink must have been swimming in alcohol.

‘I really thought I wouldn’t see you,’ I heard him say. I looked up and realised he was dangerously close. ‘I thought you wouldn’t come…’

I felt the need to be honest, to look him in the eyes and tell him I couldn’t stay.

‘Lionel, I want to explain…’

‘No need, I understand completely,’ he interrupted, almost falling over onto me.

I let go of the cup and held him up, teetering on my heels.

‘Are you all right?’

He snickered. ‘I’ve just…drank a bit…’

‘Seems a bit more than a bit,’ I murmured.

‘I didn’t see you arrive…I thought you’d stood me up…’

I expected him to snicker again, but he didn’t. Instead, there was a long, lingering silence.

The next moment, I felt his hand sliding along the kitchen counter next to me. I met his eyes and he swallowed, his face tilted down towards me.

‘But you’re here now…’

‘Lionel,’ I whispered, and felt his hand sliding onto my wrist.

‘You’re here and you’re…more beautiful than ever…’

I tried to step backwards but my back was against the counter. I pushed against his chest with one hand. The other, unfortunately, was trapped in his grip. I stared at him, alarmed.

‘You said we should talk…’ I started, but his body sidled up against my dress.

‘Talk?’ he whispered, pressing himself against me. ‘There’s no need to talk…’

I turned my head, trying to hide my face against my shoulder, but it was no use. His lips found mine all the same, his wet mouth completely covering mine. He kissed me against the kitchen counter. The taste of alcohol mixed with my breath. I was almost suffocated, and my attempts to make him stop were to no avail.

‘No…Lionel!’

I pushed against his chest, struggling to squirm free, but his hand came up to my face so he could kiss me more deeply. His fingers wormed their way into my hair to hold me still. I couldn’t move.

‘Please…’

He didn’t listen. He did the one thing that could break me. He seized both of my wrists. And gripped.

Reality crashed around me.

A shock ran down my spine, a deep-rooted, visceral terror made my heart thump against my ribs. I wheezed.

Constriction, panic, belts on my wrists, my arms trapped. The dark cellar. My body contracted; my soul rose up.

There was a loud crunch when Lionel let me go. He was drenched in an orange liquid. The plastic cup was rolling on the floor, cracked in a few places. I had torn one hand free and lunged for the closest thing and thrown it in his face.

I stared at him, wide-eyed and distraught, before running away.

I fled the kitchen and barged through the crowd to get away from that house, away from that terror that had stuck to my bones. My heartbeat was deafening. I felt frozen, clammy and slippery.

Reality was throbbing around me, anxiety closed my throat, poisoning me with familiar feelings.

I felt like I was suffocating with all those bodies pressing against me. Suddenly, a startling scream tore me from myself.

I turned around, along with everyone else. I froze.

A dark shadow was flitting about the room.

A little bat had got in through the open window and was now darting over everyone’s heads, blinded by the light and noise. Some of the girls were screaming, terrified; others covered their hair with their hands.

I stared at the bat, my heart racing. He flew into a lampshade, dazed, trying to find a way out. A cup tore through the air and hit him full on, sending him to the wall.

Someone laughed. Voices were raised.

Another cup flew through the air, and when it crashed against the wall there was more laughter. Their fear soon turned to fun.

Suddenly, everything started flying: aluminium foil balls, cigarette butts, bottle caps and pieces of plastic. A deluge of trash rained upon the bat, tearing my heart to shreds.

‘No!’ I shouted. ‘No! Stop it!’

He fell in a bowl of punch, his wings getting doused in alcohol. The laughter intensified and I grabbed the arms of the people nearest me.

‘Enough! Stop!’

But no one was listening to me. They kept urging each other on, shouting, entertained. It was unbearable.

The truest part of me took over. I barged my way through the crowd until I had got through the throng of bodies. I saw him crouching against the wall, and all I could do was throw myself on him and cup him in my hands.

Balls of paper were raining down. Someone threw a cigarette at me.

I clutched the bat to my chest, trying to protect him, and felt him desperately clinging to me, his little claws scraping my skin. I looked around, terrified, and felt again that shudder inside of me, that terror that cut my breath into gasps.

I saw arms raising all at once – and the matron raising her voice, raising her hands, clenching and pushing and cracking ribs – and my panic screamed louder still.

I pushed back through the throng, not caring who I knocked over.

I finally found the exit, tumbled out onto the sidewalk and tore like a maniac away from that hell. I almost stumbled in my heels, but I didn’t stop. I ran, muscles aching, until the noise faded behind me, until I got home.

I only calmed down when I glimpsed the picket fence in front of me. I caught my breath and glanced anxiously over my shoulder. Then I looked down at the warm body that was tickling my neck. The bat was still there, clinging to me and trembling. I tilted my cheek towards his little head, gently nuzzling the small, misunderstood creature.

‘It’ll be okay….’ I whispered.

He looked up, and I met his bewildered gaze. Two black eyes, like shiny little marbles, pierced my heart.

There was nothing in the world that reminded me of Rigel more than that little creature of the night, all claws and fear, held tight in my arms. I wanted to go back, to hold him, to stay with him. To tell him he had left me everything. That inside I was full of him, his disasters and his shivers.

I didn’t know how to live without him any more.

I swallowed and opened my hands to let the bat fly away. He clumsily scratched my skin before managing to take flight.

I lingered, watching him for a moment, but then heard footsteps behind me. Just as I glimpsed the bat disappearing into the darkness, a hand grabbed my shoulder and turned me around.

I met a pair of distressed eyes and jumped.

‘Nica?’ Lionel was panting in my face. ‘What…what are you doing?’

‘Let me go,’ I muttered, trying to shrug him off. The feeling of his hand on my skin alarmed me, immediately awakening unpleasant sensations.

‘Why did you leave like that?’

I stepped back, freeing myself from his grip, but he grabbed me again. I knew he wasn’t being himself, I knew that Lionel wasn’t like this, but I was still frightened.

‘What does this all mean? First you come, but then you go like that?’

‘You’re hurting me.’ My voice sounded higher. Fear and a sense of powerlessness ballooned inside me. I tried to push him away but he wasn’t having it: he grabbed me by the shoulders, frustrated, and shook me angrily.

‘Fuck, stop this and look at me!’

All of a sudden, Lionel’s hands flew off me.

He staggered backwards and his body crashed to the ground so forcefully that all the breath left his lungs.

The only thing I could make out through my tears was a tall, fearsome silhouette slipping into the space between me and him. The clenched fists at his sides were burning with a motionless, dangerous calm.

Rigel stared down at him with that cruel, dark, devilish beauty, the veins in his wrist bulging.

‘Don’t you…touch her,’ he hissed slowly, his eyes glinting with a terrifying, icy fury.

‘You!’ Lionel spat with a blind hatred, crawling forward on his elbows.

Rigel raised an arched eyebrow.

‘Me,’ he agreed derisively, before stamping forcefully on Lionel’s hair, pinning his head to the asphalt. He writhed on the ground, wheezing.

I wasn’t breathing. Rigel’s eyes shone with that ruthless violence that consumed any glimmer of light.

He turned to look at me over his shoulder, his gaze piercing my soul.

‘Go inside.’

I opened the gate with trembling hands, a lump in my throat. I thought he would have unleashed all of his fury, but he very, very slowly let Lionel go. He threw him an intimidating glare then made to follow me. But Lionel groaned and grabbed him by the hem of his jeans. He dug his fingernails in, trying to hurt him any way he could.

‘You think you’re a hero, do you?’ he screamed, beside himself. ‘Is that what you think? You think you’re the good guy?’

Rigel froze.

‘The good guy?’ It was a low, sinister whisper. ‘Me…the good guy?’

In the darkness, his pale lips curled upwards.

He was smiling. It was that dark, monstrous sneer that had so often made me quake.

Rigel crushed the hand that had grabbed him under his shoe. At his feet, Lionel writhed in pain. Rigel stamped brutally on his hand until each of his fingers had become swollen.

‘Do you want to see inside me? You’d piss yourself before you could take a look,’ he hissed icily. I thought he’d break his wrist. ‘Oh, no, I’ve never been the good guy. You want to see how bad I can be?’

He stamped again, so hard I heard bones snapping.

A little sob burst out of me. Rigel clenched his jaw and his deep, narrow eyes flashed towards me. He seemed to have only just remembered that I was watching.

He stared at me in a way I couldn’t interpret, clenched his fists, and abruptly set Lionel free. He jerked his hand away, moaning and rocking back and forth in the street. Rigel turned his back on him, once and for all, and walked like a terrible angel towards me.

The sound of the front door opening broke the silence.

My eyes adjusted to the darkness. Slowly, the outline of Rigel appeared. He was leaning against the door, his dark hair covering his face, and his jaw in the darkness looked sharp like a sickle.

I shuddered, hearing him breathing. That intimacy reignited everything I had desperately tried to suppress. I was a statue of flesh and desire that was struggling not to fall to pieces. For the first time, I wondered if there would ever be a way for us to live together without hurting. Would there ever come a day when we would stop wounding each other?

‘You’re right. I’m…deluding myself.’

I looked down, no longer able to lie to myself.

‘I’ve always wanted a happy ending…I’ve looked for it, every single moment of my life, hoping that one day it would come to me. I’ve wanted it ever since She…the matron…how she treated us meant all I could do was hope for a better future. But the truth…’

I pressed my lips together, defeated, surrendering completely.

‘The truth is that you, Rigel…you’re part of the fairy tale.’

Tears blurred my vision.

‘Maybe you always have been. But I’ve never had the courage to see it because I was scared of losing everything.’

He stood still, enveloped in silence. I looked to one side, trying to control the emotions that would give me no peace. My heart exploded, I was on the verge of breaking into tears.

I saw the piano, gleaming in the faint light. I stared at it for a moment before my legs carried me towards it.

I brushed my fingers over the white keys as if I could still feel his hands there. I felt sad about what he had said to Lionel.

‘It’s not true that you’re bad. I know what you’re like, inside…and there’s nothing bad, or scary. You’re not like that,’ I whispered. ‘I see in you…all the goodness that you can’t see.’

‘That’s what you’re like,’ he said after a while, behind me. ‘You always look for the light in everything, like a moth.’

He was standing in the doorway. The shadows made his face painfully beautiful, but his gaze was dull and lifeless.

‘You look for it even where it doesn’t exist,’ he said slowly. ‘Even where it’s never been.’

I looked at him with defenceless, yielding eyes and shook my head.

‘We all have some light, Rigel…inside us. I’ve always looked for goodness. And I found it in you. It doesn’t matter what the truth is, because the only light I see now is you. Wherever I look, at any moment, I only see you.’

I saw his eyes shining in the darkness. I would never forget his gaze.

I saw his heart in his eyes.

I saw how much he was crumpled, wrecked and bleeding.

But also radiant, alive and desperate.

We were something impossible, and we both knew it.

‘There are no fairy tales, Nica. Not for people like me.’

There we were. The final reckoning.

There were no more pages that would continue our story of silences and tremors. Our souls had chased after each other for our entire lives, and now we’d reached the end of the line.

We didn’t fit in with other people, because we were different. We spoke in a language that no other could understand.

A language of the heart.

‘I don’t want anything without you in it,’ I found the strength to admit, once and for all, out loud.

I had just whispered the unspeakable, but it didn’t matter, because it was the truth.

‘You were right. We’re broken…We’re not like other people. But maybe, Rigel, we’re shattered, in pieces, but we can put ourselves back together again, better this time.’

No one knew my demons better than he did.

No one else knew my scars, my traumas, my fears.

And I had learnt to see him as no one else did, because in his unique heart I had found my own.

We belonged to each other in a way that no one else would be able to understand.

And maybe it was true, maybe it was in our nature to destroy things. But in that destructive, destroyed way, we were something that was ours alone.

Terror and wonder. Shivers and salvation. We were a frenzy of notes that made up a jarring, otherworldly melody.

He had pulled at my soul so subtly that our destiny had written itself, as if on a blank page. And it had taken me so long to realise, it felt like a lifetime to take even the first step.

I moved towards him in the darkness. His eyes gleamed as if the whole sky was in the room. He carefully watched my every movement, as if what I had just admitted had pinned him to the spot with a force that was stronger than his will.

Holding his gaze, I held out my hand to brush his. Under his eyes, I felt minute and dangerous at the same time. He was tense all over, as if he wanted to resist…but armed with my tenderness, I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and pulled him towards me.

I lifted his hand to my face.

A muscle in his jaw twitched. His touch warmed my soul and I sighed. It felt like I could sense his pulse. One of my tears fell on his hand, which was still half-closed, as if something inside him still didn’t dare to touch me.

He stared at me as if I were incredibly fragile, as if I might shatter under his touch.

‘Before, you were afraid of me,’ he whispered.

‘Before…I hadn’t learnt to see you yet.’ Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I remembered the moment when I had shattered everything. ‘I’m sorry…’ I breathed. ‘Rigel, I’m sorry…’

We were seeing each other for the first time.

Then, like a slow miracle…his hand unfurled on my cheek.

Rigel touched my face, and the warmth of his fingertips melted my heart.

His thumb lightly touched the corner of my mouth, stroked it as if that caress held all the impossibility of what we were.

‘I’m not one of your creatures, Nica,’ he murmured sadly. ‘You can’t…fix me.’

‘I don’t want to,’ I whispered.

He had left roses inside of me, he had left petals and a trail of stars where once I had been a cracked, parched desert. We shared something, in that silence, in the shadow of our shortcomings.

Rigel was a wolf, and I wanted him for exactly what he was.

‘I want you…as you are. I promised. And I haven’t stopped believing it…I won’t leave you alone, Rigel. Let me…let me stay with you.’

Stay with me, my heart prayed. Stay with me, please, even though I’m scared, even though I don’t know what will become of us.

Even though we’ll never be right together, you and me, because although there’s a story for everything, there are no fairy tales about wolves and moths.

But stay with me, please, because if we’re broken together, then it’s the rest of the world that’s wrong, not us.

If we’re broken together, then I am no longer scared.

I slowly kissed his hand.

His muscles tensed, he was holding his breath and it seemed as if his chest was about to explode.

I wanted everything about him: his bites, his mistakes, his chaos and his caresses.

I wanted his vulnerabilities. His authentic self. I wanted his untameable heart. I wanted the boy without the happy ending, who had been unjustly abandoned under a sky full of stars.

I leant forward and he suddenly stopped breathing. I clasped his hand against my face and stood up on my tiptoes. With all the tenderness I had, I closed my eyes and gently pressed my lips to his.

My heart was pounding against my ribs. Rigel’s mouth was warm and velvety soft. With a gentle smacking sound, I pulled my lips away. Rigel was dangerously still for a long moment. I couldn’t understand his reaction.

The next moment, he pushed me backwards into the piano. My heart in my throat, Rigel slid his fingers into my hair and tilted my head back.

He was breathing heavily, staring at me, wide-eyed, as if I had done the last thing he ever would have expected me to. I was scared he’d push me away, but he pulled me close and his lips slammed against mine.

A universe of scratches and stars exploded in my clenching heart.

I clung to him with shaking hands, overcome by an unbearable passion. Our heartbeats accelerated, our breath mingled, I felt my entire being screaming his name.

Rigel kissed me…

He kissed me as if the world was about to fall down around us.

He kissed me as if his life depended on it, as if it was the only thing that could take his breath away.

His trembling fingers moved through my hair down to my shoulders, behind my neck, gripping me tightly as if I might dissolve at any moment. I squeezed his wrists so he knew I wouldn’t leave any more, that however much the world shouted no, we belonged together, until our last breath.

I touched him, shyly and hesitantly, and the innocence of my touch seemed to drive him mad. He gasped and grabbed my hips, ruffling the fabric that clung to my body. He pressed me to him possessively, and his hot, eager mouth kissed me ardently. I felt his teeth on my lips, on my tongue, every kiss was a bite that sent shivers through my stomach.

I was breathless, my heart beating like mad, and I felt like I was about to explode.

Rigel slipped a knee between my thighs, wedging me against him, and his kiss became powerful, terrifying, divine.

I wanted to tell him that it didn’t matter if there weren’t fairy tales for people like us, that it didn’t matter if we’d never be right together. As long as we stayed together, the future could not scare me.

We were exiles from the realm of fairy tales.

But maybe, after all, we could be our own fairy tale.

A fairy tale of tears and smiles.

Scratches and bites in the darkness.

Something precious and ruined, where we were the only happy ending there was.

I clenched my thighs around his knee, and something in Rigel ignited. He seemed unable to think, to control himself, to hold back. He grabbed my legs to lift me up, my sandals slipped off, and I trembled as our heartbeats collided like twin worlds.

‘Together…’ I whispered into his ear like a plea.

Rigel tightened his grip on my thighs until it hurt. There was a dissonant, clashing sound as my body slipped onto the piano keys.

The more I touched him, the more his body went wild against mine. I was subjugated by him, unable to move. But I realised that even though he was holding me so tightly I couldn’t move, I wasn’t frightened. Because Rigel knew what I had gone through.

He knew my nightmares better than anyone else.

He knew all of the places I was cracked, and there was something protective and desperate about the way he touched me. Something that seemed to both desire and protect my vulnerabilities. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me.

As I held him in my arms, giving him all my sweetness, I knew that whatever dark disaster his heart was, I would always keep it with me. Forever.

And ever.

And ever…

‘Nica?’

A light turned on upstairs. The sound of footsteps.

Anna’s voice.

I opened my eyes wide. Rigel abruptly pulled away from me and I felt as though I’d just been uprooted.

Anna came into the room, wrapped in her bathrobe, and found me standing near the piano all alone. I stared at her like a fawn in the headlights, my fingers fidgeting nervously.

‘It’s you, Nica…’ she mumbled sleepily, looking at my bare feet. ‘I heard a sudden noise…the piano…Is everything all right?’

I nodded, my lips pressed tight together, hoping she wouldn’t notice my flushed face.

‘What are you doing here in the dark? Are you having trouble sleeping again?’

‘I…I just got home,’ I squeaked, almost ridiculously, before swallowing hard. ‘I’m sorry for waking you…’

Anna relaxed and glanced at the front door. I took the opportunity to hurriedly readjust a strap on my dress.

‘Don’t worry about it, it’s fine. Come here…’

She reached out a hand towards me with a smile.

I bent down to pick up my sandals, and went towards her so she could accompany me upstairs. But before I crossed the threshold into the hall where she was waiting for me, I glanced sideways…

He was there, in the darkness, leaning against the wall, his chest heaving with heavy, silent breaths. His lips were still moist and swollen and his hair tousled by my fingers.

Rigel looked at me like the living sin he was.

I felt both peace and torment…relief and corruption.

Bright flashes and storms in the dark.

I felt a storm looming over us, laden with thunder.

‘Well…’ a voice inside me whispered, counting the purply, starry universes he had left inside me, ‘…look at all these beautiful colours.’