The Tearsmith: A Novel

You can recognise those who are different immediately.

In their worlds, it’s others whose eyes see.

That day, we were due to have guests from just outside the city. Some old friends of Anna and Norman were coming for lunch.

When I found out, something inside of me started vibrating, pushing away all other thoughts. I was anxious to make a good impression.

I smoothed down my dress. It was very simple, white, with a ruched bust and straps that left my shoulders exposed. I looked at my reflection in the small, silver-framed mirror in the hallway and felt my stomach twisting with an unfamiliar emotion. I wasn’t used to seeing myself like that, like a doll, so smart, polished and groomed.

If it wasn’t for the Band-Aids on my hands and my mother-of-pearl eyes, I wouldn’t have recognised myself.

I made sure that the side of my neck was covered by my braid. The mark had been fading over the past few days, but I didn’t want to risk it.

‘Oh, it’s so hot today!’ I heard a woman’s voice exclaiming from the front door. ‘If only I’d known. There’s not a breath of wind here with you!’

Mr and Mrs Otter had arrived.

The woman who had spoken was wearing a beautiful, cobalt blue overcoat. Anna had told me she was a tailor. She kissed both her cheeks with genuine affection.

‘Is the car all right there in the driveway? George can move it if it’s in the way…’

‘It’s absolutely fine, don’t worry about it.’

Anna kindly took her hat and invited her in.

They walked arm in arm and Mrs Otter put a hand on her wrist.

‘How are you, Anna?’ she asked, almost apprehensively.

Anna responded by squeezing her gently, but I noticed that she was looking at me as they walked through the hall. Mrs Otter was too busy searching Anna’s eyes to notice me.

When they eventually stopped in front of me, Anna said with a smile, ‘Dalma, this is Nica.’

Here we go…

I tried to contain my trepidation and smiled.

‘Hello.’

Mrs Otter didn’t reply. She gazed at me, her mouth slightly open and her face full of confusion. She couldn’t believe her eyes. She blinked and looked at Anna.

‘I don’t…’ She seemed to be lost for words. ‘How…’

I also tried to catch Anna’s eye, almost as shocked as Mrs Otter was, but at the next moment, she looked at me with a completely new sort of astonishment. She seemed to have only just realised the reason for these introductions. Anna’s hand was still holding hers.

‘I’m so sorry…’ She seemed to have recovered, but was still breathless. ‘I was caught by surprise.’ Her lips melted into a shy, slightly incredulous smile. ‘Hi…’ she exhaled earnestly.

I couldn’t remember anyone ever having greeted me like that before. It felt like she had caressed me, without even touching me.

What a miraculous feeling, the feeling of someone looking at me like that…

Satisfied, I thought I could safely say that I’d made a decent impression in that white dress.

‘George!’ Mrs Otter called, waving a hand behind her. ‘Come here.’

Her husband, who had a bushy moustache, was congratulating Norman on the conference. When Anna introduced us, he was just as astonished as his wife.

‘My goodness,’ he said out of nowhere. Anna and Norman laughed.

‘It was a surprise,’ Norman murmured, awkward as ever. Mr Otter took my hand.

‘Pleased to meet you, Miss.’

I offered to take their jackets, which they seemed to appreciate. Dalma clutched Anna’s arm and turned to her to ask, ‘Since…since when?’

‘Not that long ago, actually,’ she replied. ‘You know when we spoke the time before last? They arrived that week.’

‘They?’

‘Oh, yes. It’s not just Nica…There’s two of them. Norman, dear, where’s…’

‘Upstairs, still getting changed,’ he replied readily.

Our guests exchanged a tentative look but said nothing. Anna turned to them. ‘What about Asia?’

I imperceptibly furrowed my brow.

Asia?

The front door opened again. I blinked in surprise as someone else came in. A willowy, backlit girl, phone in one hand and handbag in the other.

‘I’m sorry, I had to take a call,’ she said. She wiped her feet on the doormat, dropped the car keys in the key bowl and smiled.

‘Hi.’

Suddenly, everyone turned their backs to me. Anna approached her with open arms and such a radiant smile I was floored.

‘Asia, sweetheart!’

They embraced each other tightly. She was very tall, and her clothes looked tailor-made for her. She looked a few years older than Rigel and I.

‘You’re looking good, Anna…How are you doing? Norman, hi!’ She hugged him too – Norman, the maximum amount of physical contact I’d seen him engage in was a pat on the back – and planted a kiss on his cheek.

Now everyone was smiling at her.

I observed how close they all seemed. Their familiarity seemed to shine with an alien, inaccessible light.

Anna hadn’t told me that Mr and Mrs Otter had a daughter.

‘Come in,’ Anna welcomed her, while Asia cast her eyes around looking for someone.

‘Where’s Klaus? That old cat better come and say hello to me…’

‘Asia, this is Nica.’

She didn’t notice me straight away. She blinked, then looked down and saw me. I lifted a hand to wave.

‘Hello, lovely to meet you,’ I said with a smile, under Anna’s affectionate gaze. I looked at the girl and waited for her to reciprocate.

But Asia didn’t move a muscle.

She didn’t even blink. Her eyes stayed so motionless that I started to feel uneasy. I felt like a butterfly on display, pierced by invisible pins.

Asia turned to Anna.

She looked at her as if she was her mom, her gaze hiding some need.

‘I don’t get it,’ was all she said. It seemed like she hoped there had been some sort of misunderstanding.

‘Nica’s staying here with us,’ Anna explained delicately. ‘She’s…on a pre-adoptive placement.’

I smiled. ‘Shall I take your jacket? I’ll hang it up for you.’

Once again, it seemed as if Asia hadn’t heard me.

Her eyes were glued to Anna, as if she had stopped the world and was holding it calmly in her hand, a calmness that Asia couldn’t accept.

After a while, she mumbled, ‘I don’t think I understand.’

‘Nica’s going to be part of our family. We’re adopting her.’

‘You want to…’

‘Asia,’ Mrs Otter murmured, but her daughter was still staring tremulously at Anna.

‘I don’t…understand,’ she whispered again. But it wasn’t the explanation that she didn’t understand. It was that Anna’s calm gaze had now turned to me.

I got a sudden, strange, icy feeling that I was out of place. It felt like I had somehow done something wrong, just by living under that roof.

‘Norman and I were feeling a bit lonely,’ Anna explained after a while. ‘We wanted…a bit of company. Klaus…well, you know how he is, he’s never been all that sociable. We wanted to wake up and hear someone else’s voice.’

Anna and Asia exchanged a meaningful glance.

‘And so here we are,’ Norman intervened to dissipate the tension. Anna moved away to check on the roast and Asia watched her go, her eyes full of dismay and other emotions I couldn’t comprehend.

I took a step towards her and smiled.

‘I can take your jacket for you if you want…’

‘I know where the coat rack is,’ she snapped.

I fell silent and she went to hang her jacket up herself.

I clutched the skirt of my dress. Every inch of my body felt out of place. Anna announced that lunch was almost ready.

Dalma approached me and asked kindly, ‘Nica, I haven’t even asked how old you are.’

‘Seventeen,’ I replied.

‘And the other girl? Is she the same age as you?’

‘There’s another girl?’ Asia asked slowly.

‘Oh no,’ Anna replied. Those two words made everyone freeze. The guests stared at her. I couldn’t understand what had just happened. ‘To tell the truth…’

‘Sorry I’m late.’

Everyone turned around.

Rigel had entered the room.

His alluring presence filled the living room, drawing every last shred of attention to him. He was wearing a light-coloured shirt, one I was sure Anna had insisted on, and he was still buttoning up the cuffs. I couldn’t imagine any piece of clothing looking more perfect on him.

A lock of hair hid the cut on his brow and lent him a mysterious charm. He looked up, and everyone was bewitched by his dark eyes.

The guests stared at him, flabbergasted.

I knew how destabilising Rigel was, but their reactions still seemed unusual. They seemed even more incredulous and taken aback than they had been with me.

His lips formed a smile so persuasive that I felt my guts squirm, even though he wasn’t even looking at me.

‘Good morning. My name is Rigel Wilde. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr and Mrs Otter.’

He shook both their hands and asked how their journey had been. They were like putty in his hands.

Asia was as still as a stone. She was staring at him with a disturbing intensity. Rigel slid his eyes to meet hers.

‘Hello,’ he said, impeccably politely.

Silence ensued.

I was still clutching the skirt of my dress.

‘Well, um…’ Norman started. ‘Shall we sit down to lunch?’

As I sat down to Norman’s left, I felt Asia’s gaze piercing my skin.

I wondered if she had wanted to sit there, but then she sat down next to Anna and dragged her into a whirlwind of chatter.

Watching the two of them laughing, I realised with a stab to my chest that for Anna, she was much more than a friend’s daughter. Asia was beautiful, sophisticated. She was at college. They seemed in perfect harmony. She seemed to know Anna in ways that I couldn’t understand.

I looked away from them to the other side of the table.

Rigel was sat as far away as possible from me. When the rest of us had sat down, he had looked at the empty chair next to me, but then chosen the seat opposite.

He hadn’t so much as glanced at me since he had come downstairs.

Was he deliberately ignoring me?

Just as well, I told myself.

The thought of his proximity gave me an empty feeling in my stomach. I swore I wouldn’t look at him. The last moments we had shared tormented me enough.

‘Nica, do you want some meat?’ Norman asked, proffering the platter. I served myself with a smile.

‘Have some gravy, too,’ he advised kindly, then turned to Mrs Otter.

The gravy boat was on the other side of the table, of course, right next to Rigel. I gazed at it despairingly, before noticing that Asia was examining him with an unsubtle, intense interest. As she lifted her fork to her mouth, I let my gaze run over her hands, her hair, her perfect face. Why was she staring at him like that?

Rigel flashed a smile at Mrs Otter and I looked away.

I shouldn’t look at him.

But the gravy…Anna and I had made it together…it made sense that I wanted to taste it, didn’t it?

I stole another furtive look at the gravy boat and decided not to worry about it. Rigel poured some for himself, then placed it back on the table, still holding the serving spoon.

Then, noticing he had got some on his thumb, he lifted his hand to his mouth and placed his thumb on his lower lip. He closed his mouth around the tip and then slowly slid it back out, licking off the gravy. As he lowered the serving spoon, he lifted his deep, dark, narrow eyes to me.

‘Nica…are you all right?’

I startled and turned towards Mrs Otter. She was staring at me, dumbfounded.

‘You’ve gone red, dear…’

I glanced away. I felt almost feverish. ‘The mash,’ I croaked. ‘It’s…’ I swallowed. ‘Spicy.’

I felt his eyes boring across the table.

My stomach was radiating a strange hotness all through my body. I tried to ignore it, but it spread through me with a crawling sensation. I had to concentrate on the lunch. Just the lunch…

After a while, I noticed Norman looking at my plate.

‘Oh, Nica, are you not having gravy?’

‘No,’ I replied shortly.

Norman blinked, and I realised how tersely I had answered him.

I felt my cheeks burning with shame and hurried to put things right. ‘I just…prefer it like this, thank you.’

‘You’re sure?’

‘Yes, certain.’

‘Oh, come on, pass the gravy boat.’

‘I don’t like gravy!’ I burst out.

It was, to say the least, tragic, when I noticed Anna opposite me, staring, stunned, with her fork halfway to her mouth.

‘It…it’s not that I don’t like it!’ I bleated desperately, leaning forward and clutching my knife and fork. ‘I love it, it’s delicious! I’ve never tasted any better, it’s so flavourful and…and…full-bodied. It’s just that…well, I’ve just already had so much of it that…’

‘So, Rigel!’ Mr Otter interrupted.

I jumped as if I’d been struck by lightning. Hot and embarrassed, I hurried to pull out a strand of my hair that had ended up in my mash. Asia looked at me across the table with narrowed, critical eyes.

‘Your name is very unusual. If I’m not mistaken, there’s a constellation that…well, that has the same name?’

I froze at that question. Rigel stared at the table and took his time before replying. His smile was with us, but his eyes seemed elsewhere.

‘It’s not a constellation. It’s a star,’ he replied calmly. ‘The brightest star in Orion.’

Mr and Mrs Otter seemed enthralled.

‘How fascinating! A boy named after a star…Whoever named you made a very intriguing decision!’

Rigel’s smile sparkled enigmatically.

‘Oh, undoubtedly,’ he said with a hint of sarcasm. ‘It certainly helps me keep in mind my distant origins.’

His answer stabbed me right in the chest.

‘Oh…’ Mr Otter stammered, panicked. ‘Well…’

‘That’s not why.’

I bit my tongue. Too late. I had spoken out loud.

Everyone turned. Their attention crashed down on me and I looked down.

‘She chose that name…because when they found you, you were about a week old. Seven days old…And Rigel is the seventh brightest star in the sky. And that evening it was shining brighter than ever.’

There was a moment of silence, and then a cascade of admiring comments. Everyone started talking at once, and Anna told Dalma with a hint of pride that we had been ‘very close’ at the institute.

I looked up at Rigel. He hadn’t moved. His gaze slowly slid over the table and then lifted to my face. There was a hint of shock in his eyes.

‘I didn’t know that,’ Anna smiled at me in surprise. ‘The matron didn’t tell us…’

I glanced away. Words tumbled out of my mouth almost automatically.

‘It wasn’t Mrs Fridge at the time. It was the matron before her.’

‘Really?’ she asked, wondrous. ‘I didn’t know that either…’

‘I get it now,’ Dalma said with a smile. ‘A young man so…he must have caught your eye straight away.’

Anna squeezed Norman’s hand, and something in the air shifted. Everyone noticed.

It was then that I understood. Maybe I had always known. Something else was going on. Anna gave a slight smile.

‘Rigel. Would you…please?’

There was an eerie silence. Rigel placed his napkin on the table and got to his feet. The guests watched him uncertainly, and with every step their awareness seemed to grow and grow.

The sounds of the piano floated through the house and Mr and Mrs Otter froze. Asia suppressed a shudder and gripped her napkin.

He played. Everything else disappeared. Nothing else mattered.

—

A cold raindrop trickled down my thigh. I hugged my knees to my chest, wiggling my toes in the wet grass. Rain pitter-pattered down around me.

‘Maybe they liked me…’ I murmured like an insecure child. I tore up handfuls of grass. ‘I’ve never been good at this…at making people like me, I mean. It always feels like I’m getting something wrong.’

I looked up and sighed pensively, looking at the drizzle above me.

‘Anyway…it’s not as if I can ask them, can I?’

I turned my head. The mouse next to me carried on cleaning her damp fur, paying no attention to my presence.

I had found her stuck in the wire netting, thrashing about desperately. When I managed to free her, I noticed she was injured, so I spread some honey on her little leg with a toothpick. Honey had soothing, medicinal properties.

I stayed there with her, and without realising, went into my own strange little world. I started talking to her as though she was listening. It was the only way I knew how to open up. I came from a place where I had never been able to.

No…I had never been allowed to.

It might have looked like madness to other people. But…it had always been my only way to feel less alone.

A cool raindrop fell on my cheek and I scrunched up my nose. Deep down, I felt like smiling. I was soaking wet, but I loved how that felt. It felt like freedom. And now my skin smelt that way too.

‘I’ve got to go. They’ll be back soon.’

I got to my feet. My wet dress stuck to my skin. Anna and Norman had gone out for a walk with the guests and would be home any minute.

‘Take care, okay?’

I looked at the little creature at my feet. She was so tiny, soft and clumsy that I couldn’t understand how anyone would be scared of her.

Her round ears and pointy nose gave me a tender feeling few people would have shared.

When I got back inside, I realised what a state my hands were in. The different coloured Band-Aids – yellow, green, blue, orange – on my fingers were smeared in honey and wet with rain.

I went to my room and replaced them all, one by one.

I checked they were all attached properly then headed to the bathroom to quickly dry myself off.

‘So,’ I heard someone whispering. ‘Can you tell me what’s wrong?’

I froze.

The hallway was empty. The whisper was coming from the stairs. Who was round the corner?

‘You can’t do that,’ I heard. ‘You didn’t say another word.’

‘I can’t bring myself to,’ the other person whispered resentfully.

I recognised the voice. It was Asia.

‘I can’t bear it. They…how can they stand it?’

‘It’s their choice.’ This voice sounded more and more like her mother. ‘It’s their choice, Asia…’

‘But you saw it! You saw it too, what that boy did!’

…Rigel?

‘Meaning?’

‘Meaning?!’ she repeated in disgust.

‘Asia…’

‘No. Don’t say it. I don’t want to hear it.’

I heard footsteps and jumped.

‘Asia, where are you going?’

‘I left my bag upstairs,’ Asia replied, horribly close.

My eyes opened wide. She was coming towards me. I was sure that I shouldn’t have overheard that conversation. I seized the nearest door handle – the bathroom.

I snuck inside and leant against the door, closing my eyes with a sigh.

They hadn’t seen me.

When I opened my eyes, I noticed something strange. The room was filled with dense steam.

My heart stopped.

Rigel was staring at me, wearing only a pair of trousers. His hair was dripping, water running down him in transparent rivulets, making the natural contours of his body glisten spectacularly in a way I could never have imagined.

My throat went dry; my mind went completely blank.

I stared at Rigel, unable to breathe. It was the first time I had seen him topless, and the sight of it shook me to my core. His powerful, muscular shoulders looked like marble. Prominent veins ran up his thick forearms. The bones of his pelvis formed a perfect V above the waistband of his tracksuit and the half-moons of his pecs carved his broad, solid, manly chest.

He was a masterpiece.

‘What are you…’ Rigel started, but his voice faltered when his eyes landed on my body.

I suddenly remembered the state I was in.

My wet dress was clinging to the curve of my hips, to my cold-stiffened breasts, my drenched thighs. The fabric was almost transparent. I panicked.

I stared at him wide-eyed. I could have sworn he was staring back at me in the same way.

‘Get out.’

His eyes flashed. His usually deep, silken voice was a hoarse growl.

‘Nica,’ he said through clenched teeth. ‘Get out.’

My brain screamed at me to obey. I wanted to get as far away from him as possible.

But I couldn’t move. Asia and Dalma were just a few steps away from us, I could hear their voices clearly through the bathroom door. I couldn’t leave, not yet. What would they think if they saw Rigel and me together, him half naked and me soaking wet, shut in the bathroom together?

‘I told you to get out,’ he snarled. ‘Now!’

‘Wait…’

‘Move it!’

He took two strides towards me and then I did something stupid.

I stepped to the side and blocked the door handle with my body as his shadow engulfed me.

My movement made the steam swirl around us.

The next moment…I was standing with both hands gripping the door handle behind me.

Before my eyes, occupying my entire field of vision, was just him.

In front of my face, his chest rose and fell with his deep breathing. His hands were placed on the door behind me, either side of my head.

The heat emanating from his body penetrated my soaking skin. I was breathless.

My heart was beating so violently that it chased all thoughts from my mind.

Rigel was breathing heavily with his teeth clenched. His hands were still pressed so forcefully against the door that I could almost sense them shaking.

‘You…’ he murmured with a hint of bitterness. ‘You’re doing it deliberately.’ He clenched his fists in frustration. ‘You’re playing with me.’

His lips, teeth and tongue were just there, just a breath away, bare, wet and dominating. It was too much. I stopped thinking straight, and wondered what would happen if I tried to touch him. Right there, right then…Brush his skin, feel its warmth, its energy, its firmness…

Would he let me?

No. Probably he’d pin my hand to the door, above my head, like the last time.

I thought I was dying when, an interminable moment later, Rigel brought his face close to my hair, behind my ear and…took a deep breath in.

His chest expanded as he inhaled my scent.

When he breathed out, my blood roared in my ears and his boiling hot breath flooded my throat.

My heart was now thumping so desperately it hurt.

‘Rigel.’ His name slipped out of my mouth like a plea. I wanted to ask him to move away, but all I could manage was that imploring whimper.

He clenched his jaw. Suddenly, he grabbed my hair and tilted my head backwards. I gasped in surprise.

Our eyes were pinned on each other. I was panting. I hadn’t even realised. My cheeks were burning, my eyes were straining, my heart was racing.

‘How many times…do I have to tell you to stay away from me?’

It took him such a large effort to say those words that I felt shaken to my core.

I looked at him, my eyes full of desperate emotion.

‘It’s not my fault,’ I whispered, quieter than a breath.

It was his.

He was the one who was stopping me from keeping my distance.

It was his fault.

Destiny had bound us together so tightly that I was unable to form a thought that wasn’t about him. I couldn’t even run away when he was about to bite me.

It was his fault, and his alone, because he had left marks inside of me that I wasn’t able to erase.

Sensations that I couldn’t control.

Turmoil that I didn’t want to ignore.

I had abided by the rule, because it never changes: you have to get lost in the woods to vanquish the wolf.

I had met the wolf. But I had got lost in his contradictions.

They had become a part of me. Each one of them was like a shudder that Rigel had painted on me, making me less grey.

I was chained to him in ways I couldn’t explain.

How could I find the words to make him understand?

Suddenly, a lock of his wet hair fell over my face.

Trembling, I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, it was stuck to my cheek. It ran down my face like a teardrop.

Rigel watched, and a light in his eyes went out. They clouded over like dusty diamonds.

We were children again.

I saw that moment replaying in his eyes. Me, at various ages, in front of him, crying tears that he had brought about.

Slowly…he let me go.

He turned his back and moved away like an inevitable wave. With each step he took, I felt the thread that connected us growing tenser and tenser until it hurt.

‘Get out.’

There was no harshness in his voice. Just a bleak firmness.

Never before had I felt so rooted to the spot. I felt like I was crumbling. My hands were shaking.

I looked at the floor, full of contradictory emotions. Then, coming to my senses, I clenched my eyes shut, turned around, and opened the door.

There was no one there.

I walked along the now empty landing, trying not to slip.

Suddenly, the floor seemed to transform into a treacherous forest path beneath my feet, like the one from the stories.

I was running through a forest of shivers.

I was walking through the pages, on a paper path.

I’d spent my whole life running away from him. I had prayed for an escape from the condemnation of his gaze.

But there was no way out.

His eyes shone like stars.

Lighting up the way…

Towards the unknown.