The Tearsmith: A Novel

Love that is silent is the most difficult to touch,

but under the surface, it shines with a sincere,

incredible immensity.

He held on as tightly as he could.

He wasn’t hurting him enough.

Fingernails dug painfully into his supple skin, but Rigel didn’t loosen his grip.

‘I told you to give it me,’ he hissed again, in that tone that always drove fear into everyone’s hearts.

‘No! It’s mine!’

The other boy thrashed about like a wild dog. He tried to scratch him and push him away. Rigel pulled his hair violently, making him whine in pain and anger. He crushed him with all his strength.

‘Give it me,’ he snarled, furiously digging his nails into the boy’s skin. ‘Now!’

The other boy obeyed. He opened his fist and something fell to the floor. As soon as Rigel saw it at his feet, he let the boy go and pushed him away.

The boy tumbled to the ground, his fingers grasping at the dust. He shot Rigel a fierce but fearful look, then scrambled to his feet and ran away.

Short of breath and with scraped knees, Rigel bent to pick up what he had reclaimed.

The scratches were painful, but he didn’t pay them any attention. All he needed was a glimpse of her from afar and he would no longer feel his knees burning.

And that evening, he saw her appear in the doorway of the dormitory. For the last few days, her hand hadn’t stopped wiping away her constant tears.

All of a sudden, Nica lifted her eyes to her bed at the far end of the room and her girlish face lit up. Her shining smile made the whole world glow. Through the windows, Rigel watched her run to her bed and throw herself onto her pillow.

He watched her cuddling her caterpillar plushie, the only thing she had left to remind her of her parents. Rigel had noticed how threadbare and tattered it was. Its seams had burst during the tussle with the other boy, and its stuffing was poking out like a puff of foam.

But she just narrowed her eyes and smiled through a stream of tears.

She clutched it to her chest as if it was the most precious thing in the world.

Rigel watched her silently as she cuddled her little treasure. Stood there, hidden in a corner of the garden, immensely relieved, he felt buds blooming amongst all the thorns in his blackened heart.

‘How are you feeling?’

Curtains full of sun and soft light.

Anna was standing with her back to me. She asked the question with a unique grace.

Rigel was sitting at the table in front of her and just nodded without meeting her eyes. He had been off school for two days with the fever.

‘Are you sure?’ she asked softly.

Concerned, she brushed aside a lock of his hair, revealing the cut on his brow.

‘Oh, Rigel…’ she sighed with a hint of exasperation. ‘How did this happen?’

Rigel looked sideways and didn’t say a thing. There was a silence between them which I didn’t understand and Anna didn’t ask any other questions.

I didn’t know why I lingered to watch them. Anna’s behaviour pulled at my heart; I was entranced by her maternal care. But every time I saw her and Rigel speaking, I got the impression I was missing something.

‘I don’t like the colour of this cut,’ she said, turning her attention to his brow. ‘It could get infected. You haven’t cleaned it, have you?’ She made him tilt his face a little. ‘We’ll need…Oh, Nica!’

I jumped as she noticed me. I was instantly ashamed of how I had been watching them secretly, stealing looks.

‘Can you do me a favour? Upstairs, in the bathroom, there’s disinfectant and cotton balls – could you go and fetch them?’

I nodded, avoiding looking at Rigel. I hadn’t spoken to him since the conversation in the kitchen.

I was surprised to find that I had been watching him more and more often, the worst part being that I hadn’t even noticed that I was doing it.

There was something hanging in the air between us and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

A few minutes later, I returned with the things Anna had asked me for. I found her dabbing at Rigel’s cut with a napkin. I anticipated her next request and doused a cotton ball with disinfectant.

When I held it out to her, she moved a little to one side, still concentrating on the cut. I realised she was making space for me, and hesitated. Did she want me to clean it?

I moved forward tentatively and edged around Anna so I was facing Rigel.

For a fleeting moment, his eyes were on me. On my hands, my hair, my face, my shoulders. And then, just as suddenly, he tore them away and stared in another direction.

As I drew closer to him, I accidentally brushed against his knee and thought I saw a muscle twitching in his jaw. Anna tilted his head back again.

‘Just here,’ she said, pointing.

Rigel seemed to be putting in a huge amount of effort to not recoil as sharply as he wanted to. He didn’t flinch, but I could tell that it took him a tremendous amount of self-control.

I carefully dabbed his brow. I was tense, partly because I was scared of hurting him, partly because I was closer than he normally allowed me to be.

His throat seemed tight. He stared fixedly off to one side, his hand gripping his knee so forcefully that his knuckles looked like they might burst through his skin.

I knew that he didn’t like being the centre of Anna’s attention. He had never wanted to be cared for and looked after. It irritated him. Even when we were children, when everyone else was begging for a cuddle, Rigel had never been interested in affection.

Not like me. I would have given anything to be on the receiving end of all this tender, loving care.

Suddenly, the landline rang.

Anna spun around so quickly that I jumped.

‘Oh…you carry on, Nica, I’ll be right back.’

I threw her an imploring look, but it was no use. Anna left, leaving me alone with Rigel.

Trying not to let anything show, I carried on doing just what she had asked me to, but it was impossible not to notice Rigel’s hand. His fingers dug into his own flesh as if this closeness to me was more than he could bear.

My heartbeat slowed.

Did he really hate the idea of being close to me so much? Did it really disgust him so much?

Why?

I was overcome with sadness. I had really hoped that things would change, but there was an abyss between us. An unbridgeable void.

And it didn’t matter how hard I hoped, it didn’t matter how much things had changed for me. That invisible wall was still there, and always would be.

He would always push me away.

He would always shatter my every hope.

He would always be distant and unapproachable.

I looked down at Rigel one last time, clawing for confirmation of that sadness. Maybe I just wanted to feel upset enough that I would abandon all hope, as if that was the only way I’d be able to accept it…

Instead, my heart skipped a beat.

Rigel’s shoulders were no longer a bundle of tension. His fingers had loosened on his knee, as if he’d been gripping for too long and no longer had the strength. And his face…his features were calm, and he was no longer staring with stubbornness, but with resignation. At my touch, his languishing eyes filled with a suffering that somehow seemed to give him some sort of relief.

I looked at him in shock, incredulous. He looked exhausted, worn out, as if he had given in. He looked so changed, like a different person altogether. I trembled at the sight of him. My heart raced, beating so hard it hurt.

Rigel sighed, keeping his lips shut, as if he didn’t want anyone to hear, not even himself. I fell to pieces.

There was more. I looked at him. I wanted to tell him that it didn’t have to be this way, that we could be a different fairy tale, if he wanted.

I looked at him with sad, silent eyes, wishing I could understand him.

And instinctively…my fingers slid over his skin and slowly stroked his temple.

He seemed so vulnerable with that tormented expression that I didn’t even realise what I was doing.

Rigel jumped. His eyes shot daggers. He froze when he saw that I was watching him, that I had been watching him all this time.

He grabbed my sleeve and jumped to his feet.

Before I knew it, my arms were over my head, his gaze pinned to mine, his body towering over me. I stared at him breathlessly, rooted to the spot. His eyes flashed with unstoppable emotions. His warm breath tickled my cheeks, which suddenly burned.

‘Rigel…’ I whispered faintly, afraid.

He slowly loosened his grip on my sleeve. His fingers released the fabric and his eyes fell to my lips. My throat went dry. He sucked all my energy and I felt suddenly weak.

A quivering silence shattered that moment into fragments. My heart shuddered, thundered, begged for just a single breath…

And then, Rigel released me.

It was so sudden that for a moment it felt like the ground had dropped out from under my feet. I stumbled, and in that deafening confusion, heard footsteps.

‘It was just some friends. They were calling to ask if…’

Anna halted in the doorway. She blinked several times as Rigel moved past her to leave the room. She turned to face me.

‘Is everything all right?’ she asked.

I couldn’t find the words to answer her.

—

Later on, trying to study, I couldn’t think straight.

My thoughts kept buzzing around Rigel like bees to pollen. I blinked, trying in vain to shoo them away, but they persisted, like the lingering traces of a harsh light stared at for too long.

I came back to my senses as a message flashed on my phone screen.

I put my pencil down and checked it. It was Billie, sending me another goat video. She’d been sending me a load of these recently. I didn’t know why goats scream like that, but whenever I opened one, I couldn’t stop watching. Only yesterday she had sent me a video of a llama frolicking about and, just like that, I’d lost half the afternoon.

I sighed with a little smile. It was childish, but…those videos gave me a sense of tranquillity. I cherished Billie like a gem. I was grateful that there was someone who thought of me, who didn’t need any special reason to send me a message, who trusted me and considered me a friend. It was all new for me.

Suddenly, my phone rang.

I looked at the screen and hesitated before picking up.

‘Hello? Oh…Hi, Lionel.’

He’d been ceaselessly trying to speak to me the past few days: on the phone, at school between lessons, but seeing him gave me a strange, almost uneasy, feeling. I didn’t want to push him away, but after what happened with Rigel, his face just reminded me of the attack. Part of me wanted to erase that memory, push it away and pretend it never happened…

But as soon as I’d begun to avoid him, Lionel had started messaging me more and more insistently. He asked me if Rigel had tried to defend himself with lies and false excuses.

I had denied it, and he seemed reassured.

‘Look out the window,’ he urged me. When I did so, I was surprised to find him there.

He waved hello, and I waved back, uncertainly.

‘I was just passing by,’ he explained with a smile. ‘Why don’t you come down? We could go for a walk.’

‘I’d love to, but I have to finish my homework…’

‘Oh, come on, it’s a beautiful day, let’s go,’ he insisted brightly. ‘You don’t really want to stay shut up inside?’

‘But I’ve got a physics test on Friday…’

‘Just a quick walk round the block, come on.’

‘Lionel, I’d love to,’ I said, holding the phone in both hands. ‘But I’ve really got to study…’

‘You think I don’t have to too? It’s just a walk. Fine, if you really don’t want to…’

‘It’s not that I don’t want to,’ I hastened to say.

‘So what’s the problem?’

I watched him through the window, and wondered if he’d always been so pushy. Maybe I was just being more evasive than usual…

‘Okay,’ I finally gave in.

Just a quick walk round the block, he had said, right?

‘I’ll put my shoes on. I’ll be down in a sec.’

He smiled.

I grabbed a jacket and slipped on my sneakers. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and made sure the red mark on my neck wasn’t visible. It was still there, like a reminder that wouldn’t fade away. The thought that it came from Rigel’s lips made my skin tingle. I decided to hide it with a bottle-green scarf and went downstairs.

I told Anna that I was going out, but then stopped and doubled back to grab something from the kitchen.

‘Hi,’ I greeted Lionel at the front gate. I tucked my hair behind my ear and held out a popsicle. ‘Here.’

Lionel looked at it, then at me, and I smiled warmly.

‘It’s got a crocodile inside.’

He gazed at me, dumbstruck. His smile was triumphant.

—

He was right, it was a beautiful day.

We licked our popsicles as we walked along the road. I listened attentively as he told me about his dad’s new car. He didn’t seem happy about it – he complained about his father’s choice several times, even though it seemed like it was a very expensive model.

It was only after we had walked a fair distance that I realised that we were no longer on the familiar leafy streets of home.

‘Hold on, wait…’ I looked around, disorientated. ‘We’ve gone too far. I…I don’t recognise this area.’

He didn’t seem to have heard me.

‘Lionel, we’ve walked out of my neighbourhood,’ I tried to tell him, slowing to a stop. He carried on walking until he noticed that I was no longer with him.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked, looking at me. ‘Oh, don’t worry. I know this area well,’ he added calmly. ‘Come on.’

I watched him with a twinge of an emotion I couldn’t explain. He noticed it too.

‘What’s up?’

‘It’s just that we said we’d go for a quick walk around the block…’

When would he realise that we’d gone too far?

‘We’ve just gone a bit further,’ he replied as I slowly approached him. He looked me in the eyes, then glanced down. ‘I actually live around here…’ He kicked a stone. ‘Five minutes away.’ He threw me a look, then looked at his feet again. ‘As we’ve come this far, we could drop by.’

I noticed his slight embarrassment and softened. He wanted to show me his house. I was just as fond and proud of where I lived, and I hadn’t lost any time in inviting Miki over. It must have been the same for him.

‘Okay,’ I smiled.

Lionel seemed pleased. He looked at me brightly, then straightened up and scratched his nose.

When we reached his house, I noticed that it was very well kept. The garage had an automatic door with a shiny handle. Perfectly level pebbles formed a carpet that went all around the house. In the back garden, I glimpsed a basketball hoop and a very new, red-hot lawnmower. Perfectly precise lines of violets bordered the garden. I couldn’t help but think how different they looked to the lively, untamed gardenias that adorned our picket fence.

As the door opened, a clean, open space unfolded before my eyes. The floor was marble, white curtains filtered the sunlight and not a sound broke the silence.

It was a beautiful house.

Lionel dropped his jacket on an armchair, and seemed to find it unusual that I wiped my shoes carefully on the mat before stepping in.

‘I’m so thirsty! Come on, there’s no one home.’

He disappeared through a door. I followed him, and found it led to the kitchen.

He was standing by the fridge, holding a bottle of water and a glass, from which he was drinking large gulps.

It was only when he put the bottle back in the fridge that he noticed I was watching him.

He blinked at me for a moment. ‘Oh, yeah…do you want some water too?’

I tucked my hair behind my ear, pleased by his kind offer.

‘Oh, thank you.’

He held out a glass with a proud smile and I lifted it to my lips, grateful for how cool and refreshing it was. I would have liked some more, but Lionel had already put the bottle away.

He showed me every corner of the house, top to bottom.

I took note of several framed photos scattered here and there on sideboards, tables and shelves. Lionel was in almost all of them, at different ages, always holding either an ice cream or a toy car.

‘I won this last month,’ he announced proudly, showing me his latest tennis trophy. I congratulated him and he seemed intensely pleased. He showed me his medals, and the more I admired his trophies the more he seemed to glow with pride.

‘There’s something I want to show you,’ he smiled at me slyly. ‘It’s a surprise…come on.’

I followed him through the house until he stopped in front of a closed door off the beautiful living room. He turned towards me and I looked up at him, my eyes curious and clear.

‘Close your eyes,’ he told me with a devious smile.

‘What’s in that room?’ I asked, looking at the mahogany door.

‘It’s my father’s study…Go on, close your eyes,’ he laughed.

I found myself smiling instinctively and closed my eyes, intrigued.

I heard the door open. He led me forward and together we entered the study.

His hands turned my shoulders around so I was facing a specific direction. He squeezed me just before letting me go, as if he wanted to imprint something onto me.

‘Okay…open your eyes.’

I opened my eyes.

The study was beautiful, but that wasn’t what stunned me. It was the wall in front of me, which was covered with frames of all shapes and sizes, and the exorbitant number of insects peering out from behind the glass.

Dozens of shining beetles, golden chafers, chrysalises at every stage of their cycle, bees, multicoloured dragonflies, praying mantises, even a collection of snail shells neatly arranged in a line.

I found myself staring at the display, frozen as if someone had preserved me too.

‘Do you see?’ Lionel asked proudly. ‘Go and have a closer look!’

He dragged me over to the frame of butterflies. I stared aghast at their beautiful, immobile wings and their minute, pinned abdomens, and Lionel pointed at a sample near the bottom of the frame.

‘Have a look at what it says.’

Nica Flavilla, read the elegantly handwritten caption next to a graceful, bright orange butterfly.

‘It’s got your name!’ Lionel beamed at me proudly, as if he had shown me something so incredible that I should have been flattered.

I felt the blood draining away from my face. All I could see was drawn wings and pierced abdomens. Lionel misinterpreted my silence.

‘Crazy, right? My dad collects a load of stuff in his free time, but I think he’s particularly proud of these. I think he prepared them all for display himself, when he was…Oh, Nica…Are you okay?’

I had crumpled against the desk. I clamped my lips shut. It felt like I might vomit the popsicle back up onto the marble floor.

‘Do you feel ill? What’s wrong?’

He assailed me with questions and I swallowed again, feeling something wobble inside of me.

‘Wait here, okay? I’ll go and get you some more water. I’ll be right back.’

He left the study and I tried to calm down. It was just the shock. I tried to take deep breaths. I knew I was especially sensitive, but that was the last thing in the world I had been expecting.

Lionel hurried back with the bottle of water.

He handed it to me, but only when I took it did he realise that he had forgotten a glass.

‘Hold on.’ He disappeared again and I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in.

The room had stopped spinning. Soon, Lionel returned with a glass and I thanked him.

‘Are you feeling better?’ he asked, once I’d finished drinking.

I nodded, trying to reassure him.

‘It’s passed…I’m fine now.’

‘Sometimes our emotions can get the better of us,’ he smiled, amused. ‘You weren’t expecting that, were you?’

I smiled nervously, then changed the subject by asking what his father did. I learnt he was a notary, and for a while we carried on chatting.

‘It’s getting late,’ I said at some point, looking outside. I still had a heap of homework to get through.

We left the study and Lionel insisted on walking me back home. ‘If you want to freshen up before going, the bathroom’s through there…’

I froze.

Lionel followed my eyes, and when he saw that I had stopped in front of a door which had been left ajar, he smiled.

‘Mom keeps her stuff in here,’ he explained, pushing the door open all the way. Long sticks with brightly coloured ribbons appeared before my eyes.

‘She’s a rhythmic gymnastics instructor,’ he told me as I walked in, entranced.

A large mirror filled the far wall, next to some strange, skinny bowling pins.

‘They’re clubs,’ he explained. ‘She won a lot of medals in her time. She was good. She just teaches now.’

I looked at a collection of photos on another wall with bright, shining eyes. So vivid, so graceful! She looked like a multicoloured swan, radiating harmony, softness, enchantment.

‘It’s so beautiful,’ I breathed sincerely, glowing.

I turned towards him and smiled with shining eyes.

Lionel stared at me with mild enthusiasm. He smiled back at me, with the same glint in his eye that he had in all the photos where he was holding his trophies.

He picked up one of the sticks and a long ribbon swirled through the air. I watched the flickering strip of pink in awe and laughed, spinning around as Lionel made it spiral above my head.

I spun around a few times, trying to follow the ribbon with my eyes. Lionel was just a blurry smile beyond the flashes of silk.

Then, suddenly, the ribbon started to wind tightly around me. My smile became strained.

‘Lionel…’ I let out.

My arms got caught in the ribbon, and I was overcome by a visceral terror. I was suffocating. My body twisted, my heart reared up and my fear burst out with a terrible scream.

The stick crashed to the ground.

I stepped back under Lionel’s stunned gaze. I was shaking violently as I tore the ribbon off me, gasping so desperately I couldn’t breathe. My blood pounded in my temples and my mind flooded with vivid nightmares, interspersed fragments of darkness and memories of a closed door and a flaking ceiling.

‘Nica?’

I gripped my elbows, hugging my arms tightly around me, and gasped for breath.

‘I…’ I gasped, weak and trembling. ‘I…sorry…I…I…’

Tears of powerlessness stung my eyes. The need to hide pushed me back into myself with a nauseating urgency, and the feeling of Lionel’s eyes on me corroded my stomach. Collapsing into my terrors, I felt like a little girl again.

I shouldn’t let myself be seen.

I wanted to cover my arms, to disappear, become invisible. I wanted to rip my skin off just to divert his attention.

‘You know what will happen if you tell anyone about this?’

I wanted to scream, but my throat closed up and I couldn’t utter a word. I turned and sprinted out of the room.

I found the bathroom and locked myself inside. Writhing with nausea, I threw myself towards the sink. I put my wrists under the spurt of cold water gushing from the faucet, and stayed like that as Lionel kept banging insistently on the door, calling for me to open up.

Some wounds never stop bleeding.

Some days, they burst open and Band-Aids aren’t enough to make them heal. For me, these were moments when I realised I was just as naïve, childlike and fragile as I used to be. I was a little girl in the body of a young woman. I looked at the world with hopeful eyes because I couldn’t admit to myself that life had let me down.

I wanted to be normal, but I wasn’t.

I was different.

Different from all the others.

—

When I eventually got home, it was getting late.

The asphalt was bathed in the light of the sunset filtering through the trees.

Lionel walked with me in silence up until the picket fence.

After an endless time in the bathroom, I eventually came out and apologised profusely. I tried in every possible way to downplay what had happened, telling him that I had just got a bit frightened, that it was nothing, that there was no need to worry. I knew how ridiculous my excuses sounded, but that didn’t stop me from hoping he’d believe them.

Lionel was very unsettled by my reaction. He was worried he’d done something wrong, but I assured him that it was fine, that it was nothing. I didn’t look him in the eyes and he said nothing. I wanted more than anything to erase the incident from his memory.

‘Thanks for walking me home,’ I murmured. I didn’t have the courage to look him in the face.

‘Don’t mention it,’ was all he said, though I could tell from his tone of voice that he was still disturbed.

I found the strength to look up and give him a gentle smile, with a tinge of sadness. Lionel tried to do the same but something about the house caught his attention.

‘See you soon,’ I said, but his hand held me back.

Before I could move, Lionel leant down and planted a kiss on my cheek.

I blinked and saw the corner of his mouth curling up in a smile.

‘See you, Nica.’

I put my hand to my cheek in befuddlement as I watched him walk away, then I went inside.

The house was enveloped in calmness. I took my jacket off and hung it up, then dashed across the hall to go upstairs. I froze when I sensed the presence of someone else. In the dying light, I noticed the room with the bookshelves was occupied by a silent figure.

Rigel was sat at the piano.

He was immersed in total silence. One of his fingers brushed lightly over the surface of the keys. There was a faded, elegant charm about him and a shiver came over me.

After a while, he looked over his shoulder at me.

My soul quivered deep inside of me. He was looking at me in a way he never had before, his gaze somehow burned me and froze me at the same time. It was bitter. Powerful. It shook me to my core.

Rigel looked away from me and stood up.

Before he could leave, however, I heard myself gasping, ‘What happened between you and Lionel?’

I’d never been good at giving in or letting go, I didn’t have it in me.

I took a step forward.

‘How come you ended up fighting?’

‘Why don’t you ask him?’ Rigel spat, so venomously I flinched. ‘He’s already told you all about it, hasn’t he?’

‘I want to hear it from you,’ I said feebly.

Rigel tilted his face, his lips shining with a cruel smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

‘Why? You want to hear how I smashed his face in?’ he asked with a biting resentment.

I didn’t understand. My gaze fell on the window that looked out over the front garden.

Had he seen?

He made to go, leaving me there, and before I had a chance to think, my body moved.

Not this time.

In a leap of courage, I blocked his path. A shiver ran down my minute body as I looked up. Rigel was towering over me, his hair set ablaze by the sunset. I instantly regretted having acted so rashly.

Looking at me uncertainly, in a strangely hoarse voice, he whispered, ‘Move.’

‘Answer me.’ My voice was thin, it sounded like I was begging. ‘Please.’

‘Move, Nica,’ he reproached me, stressing each syllable.

I moved my hand. I didn’t know what it was that always made me want to look for a closeness with everyone. But when it came to Rigel, I couldn’t help myself. After the night I had looked after him, I was no longer scared of the invisible wall between us. In fact, I wanted to bridge it.

That gesture was enough to provoke a reaction. I felt a stab of disappointment. He stopped me from getting any closer. He moved away and shot me a look of ice and fire. His breathing was laboured. It seemed like an involuntary reflex, but that didn’t make his flinch away from such an innocent gesture any less hurtful.

But he let Anna touch him. And Norman. And he had no problem touching anyone who picked a fight with him…He only flinched away like that…from me.

‘Does it bother you that much when I touch you?’ My hands were shaking. I felt a sharp stab in my heart. ‘Who do you think looked after you when you had a fever?’

‘I didn’t ask you to,’ he spat out stonily.

He was acting as if I had cornered him. My eyes opened wide.

I saw the image of my hands supporting him, the effort it took to get him up the stairs, the care and attention with which I had stayed with him all night. Had that just annoyed him?

Rigel clenched his fists and tightened his jaw. Then he moved past me as if he couldn’t wait to get away from me.

By that point, my body was shaking so violently that I could hardly recognise myself.

‘I can’t touch you but you can touch me, is that it?’

I stared at him, my eyes shining with fury. Then, with my heart burning like a volcano, I tore the scarf from my neck.

‘This doesn’t count for anything, does it?’

His eyes dropped to my throat. Rigel stared at the red mark and I pursed my lips.

‘You did this,’ I burst out. ‘When you had a fever. You don’t even remember.’

Something happened that I’d never seen before. There was a flash of dismay in his eyes and for the first time, I saw Rigel’s confidence crumble before me.

His perfect mask wavered. His gaze went cold, and something akin to fear made its way across his face. It was so fleeting that I thought maybe I was mistaken.

Something suddenly flashed through his eyes and his tight smile returned quicker than ever, so full of fierceness that it chased away any sense of vulnerability.

I suddenly understood. Rigel was about to bite me.

‘Well, you can’t exactly say I was feeling myself…’ he sneered, looking me up and down. He looked at me sarcastically and clicked his tongue. ‘You didn’t really believe I’d want to do that to you? I was having a lovely dream before you interrupted…Next time, Nica, don’t wake me up.’

He smiled a devilishly charming smile, then gave me a scornful look. He was used to using his power like that to put that invisible wall between us.

He turned his back to leave, but he can’t have been expecting what tumbled out of my mouth next.

‘It’s just a shield,’ I said quietly. ‘Your spite. It’s like someone hurt you and you don’t know how else to protect yourself.’

He froze. My words had hit their target.

I no longer believed in his mask. The more Rigel wore it, the more I knew he just didn’t want others to see what lay beneath.

He was abrasive, sarcastic, complicated and unpredictable. He didn’t trust anyone.

But he was more than that.

Maybe one day I would understand the complicated inner workings of his soul.

Maybe one day I would be able to crack the mystery that would explain all of his actions.

But there was one thing I was absolutely certain of.

Tearsmith or not…No one made my heart quiver like he did.