The Rules of Dating a Younger Man

I rolled into Seneca Falls early on Friday afternoon. There was no sign of Alex yet. For all I knew, she would decide to back out. If so, maybe I could concentrate on getting some freaking work done again this week. Her ghosting me might be easier than having to face her. Who am I kidding? I’d be crushed if she didn’t show up. I wanted to see her. I needed to see her.

The only way to describe this feeling was nervous exhilaration. I was both excited to see Alex and dreading having to hold back. What I’d done when she visited the City—pushing her up against the wall of that building and kissing the hell out of her—had to be a one-time deal. I couldn’t lose control like that if she wasn’t mine. That would be torture.

Needing to expend some nervous energy, I decided to go to the hospital to visit Will. It had been a while since I’d checked in on him.

After getting set up with my volunteer badge, I went to his room. Peeking through the door, which was cracked open, I found him in bed. He was looking out the window. It made me sad to think of all the things he was missing, the normal kid stuff that people like me took for granted when we were younger. At least Ryan hadn’t gotten sick until he was a bit older. Still too young, of course, but our childhood had been unscathed, filled with so many precious memories that didn’t involve a single hospital stay among us, from what I could recall. Will couldn’t have been more than ten or eleven. He deserved to be making memories outside of this damn place.

I knocked lightly.

He turned, smiling. “Brayden…”

“Hey, man, how’s it going?”

He struggled to sit up. “I finished the books you gave me. They were really good.”

“You enjoyed them? You can tell me the truth if you didn’t. I won’t be offended.”

“I wouldn’t lie. Life’s too short to read bad books. Trust me, I wouldn’t have finished them if I didn’t like them.”

“Well, I’m glad.”

“It felt good to get lost in that world. So, thanks.” Will stared out the window again.

“You seem kind of down.” I took a seat. “Everything okay?”

“Not really.”

My heart sank. “What’s going on?”

“There’s this girl from school. I really like her, and she wants to come visit me. We’re neighbors, actually. But I don’t know about her coming. I don’t want her to see me like this, not looking my best. But I also don’t want to tell her not to come. That’s kind of rude.”

“You want to see her?”

“Yeah. Just not…like this.”

While I was relieved that his news had nothing to do with his health, I wasn’t sure what advice to give him. I scratched my chin. “Do you like her?”

“What do you think?” He glared at me. “I wouldn’t give a crap if I didn’t like her.”

“Got it.”

“I wish I didn’t like her, though. It would make things easier.”

“I feel that more than you know, buddy. Right in here.” I patted my chest. “When we like someone…it makes us self-conscious, sometimes more than we need to be. You look good, considering all you’ve been through as of late. You don’t have hair, but anyone who looks at you can still see your handsome face and your bright blue eyes.”

He seemed to perk up a bit, then shrugged. “I guess I could always wear a hat.”

“Exactly. I can’t relate to having no hair, but I know when I have a bad hair day, hats always save me.”

“Do you have a favorite hat?” he asked.

“My friend Ryan’s Eagles cap. He had a few of them. And I got one of them when he…” Shit. I stopped myself from finishing the sentence. But Will knew who I was referring to.

“Ryan is your friend who died?”

Swallowing, I nodded. I always had mixed feelings bringing up Ryan to Will, since I never wanted him to lose hope. But he’d asked me why I was involved with the hospital a while back, and I’d told him all about Ryan.

Will sighed. “I guess I shouldn’t be overthinking the Caitlin thing.”

My eyes widened. “Did you say Caitlin?”

“That’s her name.”

I chuckled. “Ah…” I’d thought I was hearing things. Can’t escape Caitlin, I guess.

“Well, if you like this girl, Caitlin, it’s totally understandable that you’re nervous about what she thinks. Believe me, I get how you feel.”

Will smirked. “What about that woman I saw you talking to here that one time? Is she your girlfriend?”

“That’s Alex.”

“Cool name for a lady. Isn’t that a guy’s name, though?”

“Funny enough, that’s sort of how we met. I thought she was a dude when I met her.”

“You thought she looked like a man?”

“No.” I laughed. “Far from it.”

“I don’t get it.”

“I’d been corresponding with her via email and thought she was a guy the whole time—until I saw her in person.”

“No way.” He laughed. “What did you do?”

“After I got over the initial shock, I fell for her pretty quickly. I’ve been making a fool of myself ever since.”

His mouth curved into a smile.

It was nice to see his mood lighten up. “Anyway, Alex is someone I wanted to be my girlfriend. But…things are complicated with us now. Although, I’m supposed to see her this weekend—if she shows up—so I can relate to what you’re feeling, being nervous about seeing a girl and not knowing what to expect.”

“Why don’t you just wear a hat?” he teased.

“I wish it were that simple, buddy. Not sure a hat’s gonna fix my problem.”

I would spare Will the details of my relationship drama. As always, though, being around him reminded me that there were far worse problems than my own. I’d continue to pray each day that Will’s outcome would be different than Ryan’s.

A nurse came in to see Will, so I said goodbye and promised to visit him again soon, making a mental note to buy him a cool hat.

On my way down the hall, a soft voice stopped me. “Brayden.”

I turned to find Alex. Her blond hair was tied up, showcasing her slender neck. Her beautiful face held a serious expression.

I cleared my throat. “Hey… I was wondering if I would run into you here.”

She smiled hesitantly. “Hi.”

“Were you visiting Ashlyn?”

Alex shook her head. “Ashlyn is not here anymore.”

My stomach sank. “Is she okay?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “Discharged.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God.” A long moment of silence passed. “It’s good to see you.” My eyes dropped to her neck. “You look amazing. But that’s nothing new.” I balled my fist, resisting the urge to reach out and hug or kiss her. Don’t do it. The longing was real, though. I’d replayed that last kiss we shared in my head too many times to count. I still had no idea where things stood or what she was expecting out of this weekend. But I knew I needed to let her take the driver’s seat. She was the one with the decision to make, not me. For me, the decision was clear: I wanted to be with her. End of story.

“Do you think we can go somewhere and talk?” she asked, fidgeting with her ring.

“Definitely. Why don’t we get coffees and take them to a park or something? It’s pretty mild out.”

“Sounds good.”

Alex and I said nothing else as we exited the hospital together. The afternoon breeze blew a whiff of her flowery scent toward me, that hint of her essence enough to drive me crazy. Mainly because there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

She drove behind me as I headed to a local café. Alex waited in her car as I ran inside. I ordered her the usual coffee with oat milk and cinnamon, along with a few different pastries. She followed me to a park, where we sat on a bench with our coffees.

Alex pulled the flap back on her lid and blew on the coffee. “So…” she said. “Caitlin came by the other night.”

I licked my lips. “Okay…”

“She and I talked about the situation for the first time.”

I felt a glimmer of hope in my chest. “What did she say?”

“She spent much of the time trying to convince me I should go for it with you. She said enough time had passed that it didn’t matter anymore. She claims it wouldn’t bother her, and that her initial reaction was just out of shock.”

My hopes probably should have gone up upon hearing that, yet the look on her face said not so fast. “Why don’t you look like that’s good news?”

“I don’t really think it is.” She shook her head. “Caitlin loves me, and she wants me to be happy, so she’s sacrificing her own feelings. I don’t trust that she’s truly okay with it.”

Sacrificing her own feelings. Sounded familiar. “Why should you have to be the one to sacrifice?”

“Because that’s what you do for your children.” She exhaled. “Think about the long-term reality of this situation, Brayden. She’s the biggest part of my life. Things like spending holidays together? It would be awkward for both you and her.”

I raised my voice. “That’s not true. It would not be awkward for me. The only reason I would ever feel uncomfortable is if I thought you were uncomfortable.”

“Have you really stopped to imagine it, though?”

“No.” I shook my head. “Because I don’t need to. But if you can’t accept the situation, we’re destined to fail.”

I couldn’t believe this. Caitlin had given her blessing, and Alex was still scared? Here I was thinking the only obstacle was that Caitlin hadn’t come around. Maybe this was about more than just Caitlin’s feelings. Then again, I didn’t have a child and couldn’t relate to how deep Alex’s guilt must be. If Alex wasn’t going to budge, though, we were a lost cause. As much as I wanted to, I wasn’t going to beg.

I sat across from her stone faced, my coffee getting cold because I could no longer stomach it.

Her eyes watered. “I’m sorry, Brayden.”

“Yeah, me too.” I stood, needing to get away before I said something I’d regret. “There’s nothing more to say, I guess.”

My original plan had been to invite her to have dinner with me tonight. That wasn’t going to happen. For the first time I realized how badly I needed to distance myself if Alex didn’t think we had a future. The challenge would be figuring out how to do that while continuing to support this project.

“I’m gonna head back to the hotel,” I announced as I started to walk away, leaving her sitting on the bench.

She called after me. “Brayden…”

Refusing to turn around, I kept on walking. That was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. But the sooner I learned to walk away, the better I’d be.

I got in my car and took off.

***

Later that night, holed up in my hotel room, Owen’s name lit up my phone. It had been a while since I’d caught up with him.

I answered. “What’s up, Dawson?”

“Hey, man. Long time no speak.”

“How’s everything going?” I asked.

“Can’t you hear how everything’s going?”

The sound of a baby crying was pretty much all I could hear. Owen’s fiancée, Devyn, had just had a baby boy. So they had their hands full.

“Earlier today, Holden filled me in on everything that’s been going on with you,” he said. “You’ve been hooking up with that woman from Ryan’s House, and I didn’t know about any of it.”

“What made him tell you today?”

“Well, I told him I’d spotted you practically mauling some woman outside our building the other day. He said that was Alex. You hadn’t even mentioned you were dating anyone. God, I’ve really been out of the loop, haven’t I?”

“You’ve had some things on your plate. And there’s nothing happening anymore anyway.” I shut my eyes for a moment. “It’s over, and I don’t really feel like talking about it tonight.” I sighed. “It’s been a day.”

“Shit. I’m sorry. Holden told me about the whole daughter thing, too—that you used to date her in college. That’s some shit luck. It’s not her biological daughter, though, right?”

“Stepdaughter, technically. But it doesn’t matter. She considers her a daughter.”

Owen’s fiancée had a younger brother and sister he’d become a father figure to. “Think about how close you’ve become to Heath and Hannah in the short time you’ve known them. Now, imagine if several years went by on top of that. There’s no way I’m ever gonna be more important to Alex than her daughter. And she’s decided it needs to be a choice.”

“Well, that just sucks, Brayden. Truly. It’s so rare for you to have these kinds of feelings for a woman. And to have this happen…” He let out a long breath into the phone. “Each one of us has ended up with the person we’re meant to be with, and the same thing will happen to you. I’m sure of it. If Alex is the one, she’ll come around. And if not? Someone better will come along.”

I stared out my window at the dark parking lot below. “I thought I’d finally found my person.” My voice cracked. “Thought I was gonna finally join the ranks with you guys. Finally settle down.” I paused. “I used to feel pressure about joining your club, though deep down I didn’t want to. But what I had with Alex was easy. There was no pressure. It all fell together very naturally. And I’m sorry you’re not gonna get to know her. Because she’s really special.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

“Thanks,” I murmured.

“Brayden, if I haven’t said this already, I’m damn proud of you. I mean, we’re all involved in Ryan’s House to some extent, but you’ve really taken the reins on that. He would be so proud of you, too.”

I looked up at the ceiling. “This whole Caitlin thing better not be Ryan fucking with me from up there.”

“I do think he’d find it pretty ironic.” Owen chuckled.

“Thanks for calling, but I’d better let you go. Say hi to Devyn—and Heath and Hannah.”

“By the way, speaking of my honorary brother, Heath, I should probably let you know something.”

“What?”

“He happened to take some footage of you and Alex kissing outside the building the day we drove by and saw you. We were at a red light. So just be on the lookout for that on the Internet—or potentially a blackmail letter.”

“Great.” I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for the heads up, but that doesn’t really faze me right now.” Nothing does.

After Owen and I hung up, I felt a tiny bit better. Talking to him had been a step up from staring blankly at my uneaten room-service food, like I had for the majority of this evening.

I decided to take a shower. Under the water, I pondered how strange it was to know Alex was in the same hotel tonight, yet we weren’t together. I had no idea what to expect from the rest of this weekend. But this was the way it had to be.

When I exited the bathroom, I’d just put on gray sweatpants when there was a knock at the door. I’d been in such a funk that I couldn’t remember if I had ordered something else from room service or not.

I opened the door and found her standing there. Alex.

“What are you doing here?”

She looked flushed. Her chest heaved. The hair that had been tied up neatly earlier looked almost like she’d been pulling on it, wispy pieces framing her gorgeous face.

“I needed to see you,” she said, her tone breathy.

“Why?” I asked. “I told you earlier, there’s nothing more to say. You shouldn’t be here.”

The look on her face was a mix of torment and…lust. Her eyes fell to my bare chest. Her breathing quickened even more.

Then she finally said it.

“We can’t be together.” She paused. “But I need to know what it’s like, Brayden.”