The Purge

“There’s always room for love, even if it’s as small as a crack in a door.”

The Siren; Kiera Cass

I’m not good with feelings. If I were, I wouldn’t be pushing people away. That’s how I show my love. I walk away. I don’t know how I became the cold hearted person I am now. But this I know; after someone hurts you, you’re not the same anymore. That’s why when feelings come back to me; I more often cause damage to good people and genuine things I come into contact with.

And I don’t want that for Conleth.

It was awkward for me to see him again. I don’t know how to deal with my feelings. There was a war raging inside of me and I don’t know which side should win. I was scared because this time I have a choice but I don’t want to make it. They will hurt him just like they did to my family. So I kept silent and kept the distance between us.

When the rain came, exhaustion visited me like an old friend and I was wrapped in the arms of fever. I tried to fight it off but my body wouldn’t obey such a simple request. When I was too weak to move, I felt warmth enveloping me in a tight embrace. I let go of everything I had and I surrendered into the depths of sleep. There’s a possibility of danger outside but I know I was safe in his arms.

I woke up the next day in the blanket of cold air. Fear rushed to my veins and I was alerted from my sleep. My hand reached for Conleth who should have been beside me but I woke up to no one. My heart plummeted to my gut.

“Missing someone?” he said and my eyes followed the sound of his voice. His lips quirked up into a light smile. “I’m right here.”

He was sitting near the entrance. His shoulders were stiff and his expression was guarded. I sat up and leaned my back on the trunk of the tree.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Better.” I took a deep, steady breath. “What are you doing over there?”

He focused his eyes on the ground and his hands played with the pebbles beneath his feet.

“Guarding.” He took a glimpse at me and went back to his pebbles as if they were so interesting.

“It’s okay.” I said as I watched his flames flicker. “You don’t have to lie to me. You can go. I’ll be fine. Thanks for saving me. It’s… good to know that you’re safe.”

He laughed slightly. “It’s funny.”

“What is?”

“How I wanted so bad to walk away from you… but I can’t.” he met my eyes and I felt a weight fall upon me. “This is the farthest that I can stay away from you.” He outstretched his arm to indicate the space between us. “It’s funny.”

I looked down at my own hands as I intertwined them. “Yes, it is.” I looked up to see nothing but darkness. “We are here; sad, lost, and empty.”

“Anywhere is better than here.” He said.

My eyes went searching for him. “Why do you want to stay away from me?”

He shrugged. “Maybe because I don’t wanna get hurt anymore.” He ran a hand through his hair and he let out a groan.

I smiled. “So you’ve finally woken up. You hit your head or something?”

“No.” he wrinkled his nose. “I just wanna see how far my idiocy will go.” He sighed. “It’s confusing sometimes how you act like you wanted me and then you suddenly act like I don’t mean anything to you.”

“If you wanted that bad to stay away from me then why did you save me?”

“Because I have to.”

“You had to?”

“I want to.” I looked away from him and I focused on the fire right before me until my eyes hurt. “Sometimes I think you have no idea how much I want you so bad. Well, how can you possibly love someone who killed the one you love?”

“Exactly the person who can forget all of it and just love you no matter what. Without a doubt and more than reasons” I said as leaned my chin and wrapped my arms around my knees. “I meant what I said that night.” I can feel the weight of his stare on me but I could not bring myself to look back. “Before The Purge.”

“So you—”

“There’s no reason for me to take it back. I’ve let the words go but I can’t get a hold of you now. Do you even feel the same thing?” I sighed and hid in the comfort of my own hands.

“Why now?” he asked. “Why now when we’re dying out here?”

“Because I no longer want to run away. If I’m gonna die out here I wanna be with you.” And then I let the tears fall. But he stayed where he is.

“You’re right. Fygun was the safer choice. But I feel safer with you and it gets harder and harder to push you away.”

“But you did anyway.”

“I don’t want them to hurt you. You’re the only one I have. If they know they’ll use you against me.” I looked back at him as I stood up, his eyes followed me to the gaping entrance. “And it seems I made the right choice.”

I let the shield down as I stepped through it. He followed me outside.

“Wait. Where are you going?”

“I’ll look for my team.” I said. “They are still out there. I need to save them.”

He caught up with me and he grabbed hold of my wrist. My heart sped at the contact.

“You can either come with me or let me go.” I said. “I’ll give you that choice.”

He lets me go and my heart sank.

“I don’t regret my decisions except maybe the times that I should have let you in my life.” I bit back the tears as I forced myself to turn around and just walk away.

He moved so fast in front of me that I almost crashed into him.

“I’m not losing you again. And if everything ends here, if we’re gonna die out here I wanna spend every waking moment of my life being with you. I don’t want to regret all the chances that I didn’t take with you. I don’t want to regret all the moments that slipped by. I don’t want to regret not telling you how I feel about you. I don’t want that my biggest regret would be losing you.”

He somehow managed to lift the dark clouds away from me. I wiped away a stray tear out of my face while he took both of my hands and blew warmth into them. I felt my cheeks burn and my heart sore.

“For a moment I thought you’re giving up on me.” he kissed my hands and looked me in the eyes.

“And when did that happened?”

“You almost slipped away.”

“Bri, no matter how broken I am, even if you break my heart a thousand times, I will still love you with all the little pieces.”

I smiled and he wiped the remaining tears on my face. We looked at each other like we’ve finally seen each other’s hearts. His eyes traveled down to my lips and I felt my breath get caught in a knot. It would have been perfect until an explosion shattered the moment into debris.