The murder card

Dear diary, two weeks have passed since I started working in retail. I have worked every single day so far and today was my first day off after thirteen days. I’ve learned a lot, but not just about retail, mostly about people and their behavior. I have learned to read people well and I can tell what kind of person they are by simply looking at them. And I don’t mean the clothing, I mean their behavior. How a person walks, can tell a lot about them, the lines on their faces tell stories, some they would rather hide. The tone of their voice, instantly determines how a conversation will go. The products they buy tell a lot about them. Their clothing is just a minor detail about their personality and I’ve noticed, most of the time, they try to cover up who they really with clothing. But I can’t say all people are bad, that wouldn’t be fair. Some customers were kind and a pleasure to talk to. Unfortunately, kindness was a rare thing and the more I worked the more one thing made sense to me. According to statistics, people who work in retail or in service industry, those are the most frequent buyers of the Murder cards. And I must say, I can relate to what they are feeling. Most of the customers who were yelling at me were unpleasant people who were unhappy with themselves. But some were mean simply because they could be. At some point I was feed up with all the nonsense and I could not hold in my frustration in, any longer. It sounds reasonable to me, but that woman wasn’t, blaming me for the prices and everything she didn’t like at the store. so she demanded to see my manager. Who took her side of course, even though my statement was completely logical and reasonable. I’m still mad about that. My brain understand I should just forget the whole thing and move on, since thinking about it won’t bring anything good. But my soul keeps reminding me of that, making me mad again, letting that event to eat me up inside. Even though I have matured over the years I still have anger issues, strong as always and they are not going away. Especially now, when I work in a store. Not only does the job force me to be someone I’m not, a positive and cheerful person, it takes away my nerves, my calm, my self-esteem and even my free time. Few days ago, the store had some discounts, minor, but as soon as people see the word discount or any similar word, they go nuts. They think they will get stuff for free and end up buying more than they would if the store hadn’t had a discount. They fall for this trick like children. So on that day, I did not get lucky, I was put to work on cash register. I was scheduled for a regular eight-hour shift, but the people kept coming and coming. By my sixth hour, I finally accepted the fact that today, I won’t have lunch break. That wasn’t so hard to accept as the fact that I worked and hour and half for free. The schedule said eight hours and when the time came, it was my responsibility to leave the cash register and go home. But how could I have done that, when by the end of my eight hour the line was still very long? I`ve wasted an hour and half, trying to get out, trying to get home. I was finally able to break free. I was so happy, but rude remarks soon changed that. No one cared that two new cash registered open, no no, the focus was on me. A lazy, selfish, a piece of shit. I’ve heard even worse remarks I’d rather forget. I know they didn’t know I was there the whole day, but that is still no excuse for talking to me like that and that kind of behavior will certainty not make me want to help you, in fact, it will do the opposite. That is one day, I will never forget, it will haunt my dreams forever as it already does. I keep having nightmares that I am trapped behind the cash register, the beep of the computers is louder and louder just as there are more and more people by the second. Time is ticking, I am hungry, I am tired and I want to go home. But people keep coming and coming and I trapped like an animal, just waiting to tortured. I wake up, drenched in sweat. My mind is foggy for a minute and I try to remember where I am. Relief hits me when I realize I home in my bed. Misery soon follows, as I realize that tomorrow, mu nightmare might became a reality and I can’t sleep anymore, dreading the day that is coming. Then I start to think if I really do need this job and upon calculating my costs in my head, I come to a grim conclusion that I actually do need it. Now I dread the days when store offers a discount or has a sale or any similar trick like this. On one hand, people complain and worry about their money situation, how they don’t have enough of it, but as soon as they see the word sale or discount they think with this, their money problems will go away. So without even realizing, they buy things they normally wouldn’t, just because those things are cheaper than usual they end up spending more money. It’s sad really, that they don’t even realize what they have done. They feel better while in fact, their situation has just become worse.