The murder card

Dear diary, not long after our encounter, Ian made contact with me. Either good or bad, I was unsure of it at the time, now I know for sure. He was a bit reserved at first, towards me, which was unusual but not unexpected. He thanked me for the data I provided. “Was it useful”, I asked. He told me it was, and I was glad about that. Glad that I was able to help, even if I did it in a small way. I was also pleased that he was satisfied with the information I provided. After that, neither I or him knew what to say, so we just stood there. In the street in an awkward silence. I tried to make the situation more comfortable, therefor I invited him up, to my apartment. “I don’t know. Will I get abducted again this time?” He said, completely serious. Again, I told him I had nothing to do with what happened last time, which is the truth. I had no clue he would be taken. Only then, I noticed he was joking with me and I felt relieved. So we went upstairs, where we were able to talk more privately. “What did you find on the stick I gave to you?” I immediately asked, unable to mask my curiosity, any longer. “A lot.” Is all I got for an answer. At first. “It was lots of help. Thank you for getting the information and giving it to us. It was very generous.” I smile at him and tell him it was no problem at all, in fact it was a privilege to help. “Why?” He asked. “What do you mean?” I say, not sure on how to answer his question. “Why were you glad to do it?” He explains his initial question. “How could I not. After everything I’ve learned, I could not just sit back and do nothing. Pretend everything is okay when I know very well that it isn’t. I could not sleep with myself. And also I had a bit more personal reason.” I take a moment to think about how exactly to phrase my answer, so it doesn’t come off wrong. “I wanted to redeem myself to you.” I add. I leave out the part about my feelings towards him. I don’t even know what they are. Are they feelings of lust, or love or simply a brotherly love. I am not sure, all I know is, there is something special about him, am this may sound crazy or irrational but I feel as we share a special type of bond. I don’t know where this comes from, I just know it does and I can’t just make it go away. I feel wonderful around him, warm, like I belong. “So, you are actually on our side now?” He asks, knowing damn well what my answer will be. I confirm, but he asks me if I am really sure, because the tasks that lie in front of us, will not be easy. “Of course I am.” I strongly reply. “Are you willing to risk your life for this? Because I have to be honest, I could come to that.” He tells me. “I got nothing left to lose. I can only do better from here and I must.” I reply, at last feeling my life has found its purpose. “Let’s meet tomorrow then. At the park, you know where.” He says. We agreed on ten p.m., where the darkness of the night could hide us. After he left, I felt proud of myself. Proud that for the first time in my life, I stood up something, that I have moved on and that I am taking steps to not only improve my life, but to improve lives of others. Now I am a part of something that is bigger than just myself.