The Moral Dilemma (War of Sins Book 5)

THE FOLLOWING DAY, Lucero came back with food and more painkillers.

“How is it that you can walk in here so freely?” Raf asked, listening to the sounds of her movements.

She was placing the items she’d brought with her on the ground, and he was surprised to realize she’d brought a great deal more than yesterday.

His eyelids had swollen more than before, and it hurt to even blink.

“I have an understanding with them,” she replied quietly, already set to work.

“An understanding?” He frowned, before it dawned on him that the guards could only want one thing from a woman. “Please tell me it’s not what I’m thinking,” he blurted out, reaching for her hand.

“If you’re asking whether I am trading sexual favors for this, the answer is no, Raf,” she answered in a steady voice. He breathed out in relief when he didn’t detect any deceit.

Where his sight was missing, his other senses had become sharper. He supposed this was also a side effect of his synesthesia, as sounds translated into tastes and flashes of color.

“I didn’t mean to imply…” he trailed off, embarrassed he’d offended her.

“I know. Just like I know you would have likely done something about it if that were true and you would have gotten into even more trouble.”

“Of course,” he grumbled—too readily.

“I’m merely trading secrets so you don’t have to worry about it, Raf. No one is taking advantage of me.”

“I’m glad to hear that. I wish that I could be out there to protect you, but instead… Funny how the roles are reversed, isn’t it?”

“I appreciate the sentiment,” she chuckled. “But I’m quite happy about being the one to protect you at the moment. In fact, I have a surprise for you.”

“A surprise?”

“I brought some warm water and soap to help you wash.”

“Lucero… Why are you so nice to me?”

“Nice…” she repeated in a dry tone. “I reckon only you would call me nice,” she mumbled, more to herself. But when she realized he was waiting for an answer, she quickly gave him one.

“It’s because if there’s anyone out there who deserves it, it’s you, Raf. I told you. I’ve been watching you and I know exactly what type of man you are. At the same time, I can also see that you don’t have much of a self-preservation instinct, do you? Always jumping to save others instead of yourself,” she paused. “Why do you do this?”

He flinched back as if struck at her question—so naked, so revealing. Could he answer it? Could he tell her the truth?

“Because I didn’t save the person I was supposed to,” he confessed in a thick voice, surprised at his own willingness to open that chapter from his past.

“What do you mean?” Lucero asked.

He opened his mouth to answer, only to close it as his throat became clogged with emotion.

Seeing his struggle, she didn’t insist. Instead, she brought a warm towel to his torso, slowly and carefully cleaning him.

Her scent drifted towards him, lulling him into a sense of comfort unlike any he’d ever experienced before. Maybe only with curiouscat, but that had been different because they’d never met in person—only online.

She moved closer, so close, his skin itched with a need to brush against hers.

But he didn’t.

He just let her tend to him as he listened to the mesmerizing sounds of her breath.

“My brother,” he whispered as she brought the towel to his neck.

His hand caught her wrist as he slowed her movement, keeping the warm material against his skin as he struggled to find the courage to speak.

He’d never said it out loud before, had he?

For years he’d carried the burden with him, thinking about it and churning it in his mind, but he’d never dared to utter it out loud.

“I couldn’t save my brother.”

“You don’t have to tell me if it makes you sad,” she whispered.

Her other hand came to rest against his cheek, her thumb brushing a drop of moisture off his skin. Rafaelo belatedly realized he was crying, the saltiness of the tears only causing him more pain.

He didn’t know what it was about that moment, or about the woman itself that toppled all his barriers. Yet against all odds, he found himself confiding in her what he’d never confided in anyone before.

“I betrayed him,” he stated in a hoarse, inconsolable voice.

The towel dropped from her hand as she simply snuggled against him, her small frame fitting in his lap as she laid her head against his chest.

The rumble of his voice filled her ears as Noelle listened about his own dysfunctional family, how his mother, despite being a good mother for him, was awful to his half-siblings. Raf explained how his childhood had been, happy in ignorance until the bubble had been broken and he’d realize the rotten world he lived in.

He described his brother and sister, and though she could see he bore both of them a great deal of love, she also noted the sadness in his voice as he said their names.

“We were close, but not that close. Growing up, it was always Gianna and Michele. They were inseparable. And there was me… A little on the outside,” he paused. “It sounds so bad when I say it. I had my parents’ regard and I was privileged in a way they weren’t simply because of my mother. Yet I always felt like an outsider,” he confessed.

“You’re not the only one,” Noelle whispered. “I’m the youngest and the only girl in the family. My brothers… There’s a big age gap between us and we’ve never been close.”

“Do you wish you were?”

“Maybe… Maybe at some point I did,” she admitted, biting on her lip as she remembered all those lonely times in her childhood.

“My brother and I… There was a time I thought he was my best friend. I had acquaintances at school, but I didn’t have anyone I could be myself with. But then…” he swallowed hard as she went on to tell her of his school years. He’d been the popular kid—the golden boy—while Michele had been the pariah. Still, Raf had tried his best to help him whenever he would get picked on. But things changed drastically when his father decided to initiate in the family business.

Noelle listened attentively, masking her surprise at hearing he, too, belonged to an Italian crime family. Her brother had never told her that little tidbit, but he must have known.

Was that why he’d been so against him? Because they weren’t on good terms? She supposed that might have been a factor.

Yet the more Rafaelo talked, the more she realized they had in common.

Both born in the wrong families; both without any type of support. Yet she also saw the differences.

While she’d been fine with being judged for being true to herself, Rafaelo had done everything in his power to make people like him—to the point that he’d buried his own self in order to be who people wanted him to be.

It was a different type of loneliness, and in her opinion, a worse one.

Although she’d had her fair share of trouble, both at school and at home, she’d always been fine with who she was—had reveled in her differences, and had not wanted to conform to some egregious rules imposed on her. She’d simply owned who she was.

Rafaelo, on the other hand, had slowly lost himself as he’d put on mask after mask.

“In the beginning, I might have hated myself for assuming the role as my father’s heir,” he started. “But I’ve never hated myself as much as I did when I turned my back on my brother.”

Noelle took his hand in hers, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“Raf… I can feel your pain. You don’t have to continue if it will make you relive it.”

“No.” He shook his head. His eyes were closed, his lids puffy and painfully swollen. His entire face was purple from bruising, and she hurt just looking at him.

“I need to,” he took a deep breath. “Maybe it will help me, too. Maybe…” he trailed off as a shudder went through him. “I’ve never told this to anyone before, and I want to. I want to get this burden off of my chest. Even if you might not see me the same after.”

“Raf… I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me that would make me see you differently,” Noelle told him, imbuing her words with as much sincerity she could muster.

And it was the truth.

There was nothing he could have done that would make her turn from him. Not when her own hands were stained with blood and would likely continue to be.

Who the hell was she to judge anyone?

“This is bad, Lucero.” He took a deep breath. Noelle internally winced at hearing her friend’s name on his lips—she didn’t think she’d ever get used to it. “It’s why I’ve never told another soul. The shame… It’s been eating at me,” he confessed thickly, his arms tightening around her.

“Please,” she murmured, raising her head and bringing her lips to his chin, skimming kisses all along his jawline. “I’m here.”

Those words seemed to work like magic as she felt him relax. He was still holding her close to him, his arms wrapped around her body in a tight embrace.

Home. This is what home feels like, Noelle thought quietly to herself.

Slowly, Raf opened up, recounting his weakness when he’d found out what was happening to his brother and how he’d run in the face of danger. Yet the worst offense had been when he’d encouraged his brother to speak up against his abuser, but instead of corroborating his statement, Rafaelo had vehemently denied it. It had been that, or Antonio, his cousin, would have made public that Michele wasn’t his father’s son. And in their world that meant… death. Certain death.

“I didn’t know what to do,” he whispered brokenly. “I still don’t know if I did the right thing. If I…”

“Why didn’t you tell him the truth? That you were doing it to protect him,” Noelle asked.

“The truth would have killed him. And I…” he swallowed hard. “I have no excuse, do I?”

“You were young—a boy. And this was a complicated situation. In your stead, even I don’t know what I would have done.”

“How could I have told him that he wasn’t my brother?” Raf added. “How could I have cut the only connection that tied us together? The only family he’s ever known? Gianna was long gone by that point, and I just… I thought I could explain it to him at some point, you know? But our relationship was completely broken. We never had a proper conversation again. Only hate… So much hate. God, Lucero…” he groaned in frustration. “Sometimes I wish it had been me instead of him. Even though I was such a coward back then, I wish Antonio would have picked me instead of Michele. Maybe then…”

“You think your brother would have helped you if the roles were reversed?”

He was quiet for a moment.

“Few people remember how Michele was back then. He was… pure. I don’t think there’s any other way to describe him. He was this little ball of optimism and he was simply so pure-hearted, he always sought to see the best in people. I know he would have done anything in his power to help me. It’s why this hurts so much,” he choked on his words. “Because I failed him.”

“Raf…”

“But I guess I’m paying for it now. Michele is gone. The brother I knew is gone and in his place there’s a soulless stranger. And what hurts the most is that I know I caused the change.”

He continued to tell her about their strained relationship and how they’d barely seen each other during their teenage years.

He told her everything until the moment his brother had called him for a meeting, only to sell him on an auction block. And he finally got to the topic of Armand.

Raf didn’t tell her the specifics of what Armand had done to him, but she was smart enough to read between the lines, understanding he’d been violated in the worst manner possible.

“What… Raf, you’re still defending your brother when he…” she broke off on a sob. “When he…”

Noelle couldn’t even say the words out loud. So heartbreaking this new information was that she couldn’t stop herself from bawling her eyes out.

“Shh. Don’t cry for me. It’s all in the past.”

“How can it be?” She sniffled. “This man. Tell me his full name,” she demanded.

“He’s dead. It’s why I was sold again,” he sighed. “Please don’t worry about it.”

“You were raped, Raf. For months. I… I simply cannot imagine how you’re still sane after that.”

“I was drugged most of the time. Maybe it’s a blessing that I don’t remember all that much,” he told her, pressing his lips to her forehead and effectively ending the conversation.

She realized that although he’d opened up to her, he’d mostly told her surface level information—the facts as they’d occurred. He didn’t go deeper into his state of mind, or about how the trauma that he’d endured his entire life was weighing on him.

Noelle didn’t want to probe more and make him uncomfortable when she noticed he was already becoming on edge. But she vowed to herself that she would get to the root of it. And along the way, she would heal this broken man that still tried to be so strong for everyone else.

Raf… Her Blue.

Tears pricked at her eyelids as she nestled closer into his arms.

He was seemingly such an easy going guy, simple, uncomplicated. But it was all a front he put to the world. Underneath, she felt the turbulent torrents and the things he wanted to hide. She saw more than he wanted her to see—more than he wanted anyone to see. But it was for that reason that she loved him above all.

He was her tie to normality—the tether that kept her grounded. But he was also a twin soul, for in him she recognized her own tumultuous emotions and the loud voices that wouldn’t let her be.

They were different.

But they were still the same.

“You’re not the only one with a fucked up family dynamic,” she confessed.

She wanted to share some of her own issues so he would feel more comfortable confiding in her—so he would see that their circumstances weren’t as different after all.

“In my case, it was my mother that always found fault with me.”

Noelle proceeded to tell him about her childhood, giving him only enough details so that he would realize the extent of the trauma her mother had given her, but not enough so he would recognize she wasn’t Lucero.

“She always had this idea of the perfect girl. The one who’d wear pink and behave like a princess. Someone polite, demure and biddable—submissive,” she said the word with disgust. “I was neither of those things. I didn’t like wearing bright colors, I spoke my mind, and I always did what I wanted. It was always a conflict between us and as a result our relationship deteriorated over the years.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “If it makes you feel better, I appreciate your uniqueness, otherwise no one would have stood up for me like you did. No one else would have come for me even though it was dangerous.”

Noelle blushed to the roots of her hair.

“Thank you,” she murmured bashfully.

“Besides,” he continued, and she felt him smile against her skin. “I don’t think you’re not submissive,” he drawled, turning her around, so that she could face him.

His eyes were still closed as he leaned in to scent her in, nuzzling his nose against her cheek.

“If you weren’t, you wouldn’t melt in my arms like this,” he spoke against her skin, warm air fanning her lips before he kissed her.

Just as he’d predicted, she melted against him, a sigh escaping her lips as she gave herself to her embrace.

No matter how many times he kissed her, she didn’t think she would ever get used to the pure feeling of bliss that enveloped her from head to toe the moment his lips touched hers. It was almost surreal how she could feel so at peace.

Over the years, she’d imagined many times how it would be to kiss him, touch him, do even more. Yet in all her dreams it hadn’t been so all-encompassing—so out of the world magical.

Shivers went down her body as she opened her mouth, letting him taste her as she tasted him in return. Though careful of his bruises, she reached for his shoulders to ground herself as she felt like the earth split under her, making her fall freely.

“Raf,” she moaned softly against his mouth.

“You’re driving me crazy,” he rasped.

His hands went slowly down her body. It was as if he was careful to not cross her boundaries, giving her time to refuse his touch.

Even if she wanted to, she could never say no. Not when she’d dreamed about him touching her like that for years.

“Yes,” she said encouragingly, taking his hands and laying them on her naked skin under her shirt, urging him to touch her.

He spread his palms across her waist, slowly going up until his thumb skimmed the underside of her breast.

The breath caught in her throat as her nipples grew hard, chafing against the harsh material and begging for his touch.

Yet he didn’t advance.

His hands stilled, his fingers rubbing soothing motions all over her skin.

“You’ve been hurt,” he stated, drawing back and resting his forehead against hers.

“It’s just old scars,” she mumbled self-consciously. For a moment, she’d forgotten they were there.

His fingers skimmed the lacerations across her lower back.

“What happened, Lucero?” he asked, his voice soft.

She swallowed hard against the wave of discomfort that hit her. At least he couldn’t see her. She supposed that was a small mercy, for her entire body was riddled with one scar after another.

“Let’s just say that I learned the hard way how bad the world can be,” she answered, trying to sound nonchalant. “It’s why I appreciate you so much, Raf. You’re different from anyone I’ve ever met—different from any man,” she emphasized, wanting him to know that although she thought the world hopeless, she thought him hope incarnate.

He released a deep breath as he peppered kisses all over her face.

“I might not be so different after all,” he whispered, a barely audible sound.

“Raf…”

“If I’d been stronger… If I hadn’t betrayed my brother…”

“Don’t,” she shook her head. “Don’t resume your entire existence to one mistake. You were a child then and you are a man now. And the man that you are is strong beyond belief. He’s also kind, compassionate and selfless. How can you not see yourself as such is beyond me.”

“I wish I could see myself through your eyes,” he sighed. “But I am not the man you think I am, Lucero. Even now…” he trailed off.

“Even now?” she repeated, frowning.

“Even now, I desire you when I know I shouldn’t,” he confessed. “We’re in the worst circumstances possible, and I’m still bruised from head to toe, yet I cannot stop myself from desiring you.”

Just as Noelle scrunched up her nose in confusion—hadn’t he been kissing her until now, thus acting on that desire?—he brought her closer to him. So close she could feel the unmistakable hardness poking through the light linen pants he was wearing.

Her cheeks heated up just as her core contracted with a desire to feel him closer, skin-to-skin…

“I’m a brute,” he interrupted her thoughts in a ragged voice. “Here I am, barely able to move from pain, but I can’t stop myself from…” he groaned as he wrenched himself from her.

“Raf… You don’t have to be ashamed. It’s a normal reaction,” she stammered.

She might have imagined sleeping with him countless times, but she found herself oddly shy when faced with the real-life prospect.

Was she ready for that? She didn’t know…

“It’s not normal,” he said gruffly. “I haven’t even taken you out for a date.”

“A date?” Her eyes widened.

“I’ve already taken too many liberties with you,” he mumbled awkwardly. “But I want you to know that this has never happened before to me… Having such a strong reaction to someone…” he swallowed hard, almost as if he were at a loss for words. “What I’m trying to say is that,” he cleared his throat, “I don’t expect you to sleep with me. This will only go as far as you are comfortable. More than anything, I’d like us to start something—something real…”

“Something?” she repeated curiously.

He was too adorable. And circumspect. Far too circumspect than she would have imagined—and that was saying something considering she already knew him to be a gentleman.

“A commitment.”

Her eyes went wide at his words.

“You want to…”

“I don’t want you to think I’m using you, or that I’m taking advantage of you. Never that,” he stated vehemently.

“My commitment is yours, Raf,” she replied softly, cupping his battered cheeks and caressing him lightly.

She leaned forward and dropped a kiss onto his eyes, a feather-like touch to soothe him, not pain him further. Then, she turned her attention to his cheeks, nose, and finally his mouth. Noelle laid a lingering kiss to his lips, savoring the specialness of the moment.

“And you have mine,” he whispered.

Noelle could swear she detected a blush, but he was too bruised to tell for sure.

Before she could say something else, he reached behind his neck, the movement eliciting a small groan of pain from him as he unclasped his necklace, placing it into her palm.

“Why are you giving me this?” Noelle uttered in shock. “It’s the only thing you still have from…”

Rafaelo had told her it had been a gift from his mother on his eighteenth birthday, and despite their strained relationship, he’d kept it for sentimental reasons—for the fact that despite his handicap, his mother had stuck by his side.

“Do you know what stone this is?” he asked in a low voice.

Noelle shook her head, whispering a small no.

“Garnet,” he continued. “It symbolizes victory.”

“Victory…” She wet her lips as she tasted the sound on her tongue—the one thing she’d chased from the beginning, but each time she was closing in on it, it proved ever so elusive.

“There’s another meaning,” Raf mentioned, almost embarrassed.

Noelle fluttered her lashes in confusion.

“Really?” Noelle squeaked when she felt his fingers trace the column of her throat, taking the necklace from her hand and fastening it around her neck.

“Eternal love,” he whispered, laying a kiss at the base of her throat.

The necklace was still warm from his skin, and as it rested against her own, she felt like he’d given her a little piece of himself. Noelle’s throat clogged with emotion—so much love, she felt like crying because she wasn’t sure she deserved it. Not when she was guilty for his presence in this goddamn place. For all her efforts to save him, she’d only made things worse and the knowledge tore her on the inside.

“Raf…” she started, about to protest that she wasn’t worthy of it, regardless of how much she wanted to be.

“Shh. I want you to have it,” he told her, nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck. “When you think you can’t bear it anymore, think of me. Just like I think of you.”

She swallowed down the cry that threatened to erupt from her throat as she simply hugged him. Such a wonderful gift, and she wasn’t deserving of it. But she couldn’t tell him that—she couldn’t tell him anything yet. She just prayed that when the truth surfaced and he would realize who she really was, he would take pity on her.

“Always, Raf. Always.”

He held her in his arms as he recounted a short history of the garnet and that it originated from Mali, a country in West Africa. Noelle listened attentively, tasting the name on her lips.

“Mali,” she whispered. “Mali garnet.”