SWNOVELS Chapter Chapter Four
After returning to her rooms, Maren felt too agitated to rest. Her guilt was crushing. She wasn’t sure what exactly she was guilty of, but it felt like countless things. She felt like she had betrayed Donovan and Jonathan and even Alec.
Maren felt so awful she considered skipping dinner with Jonathan, but knew she’d feel even worse after that. So, she paced back and forth across her rooms and hoped that she might find some way of alleviating her guilt.
Pacing didn’t help much, but it did have the positive effect of making her tired enough to take a nap. But she felt increasingly nervous as dinner drew closer. They had managed while he was showing her the house, but they had obvious topics.
What would they talk about at dinner? Gods, should she ask him about his children and grandchildren? What he was doing for the last few decades? If he thought it was as awkward to marry someone thirty years younger than him as she did?
She decided to avoid all topics of conversation that highlighted their age difference. There were likely a lot of them. Hopefully, she’d be able to find some others.
Jenny helped Maren prepare for dinner. She did not have many evening gowns with long sleeves, but did choose a long green evening dress with gold embroidery on the bodice. Maren wasn’t sure what she would do when she ran out of long sleeved dresses. Maybe she could cover the burns from Kieran’s magic with bracelets. Gods, she hoped they wouldn’t scar.
After Maren dressed, Jenny arranged her hair in a pleasant updo, but Maren was too nervous to pay close attention to anything about her appearance besides its acceptability.
When Jenny finished with Maren’s hair, she asked, “Did you have any jewelry you wanted to wear, my lady? I think I saw … oh yes, here, this necklace would be lovely with your dress.”
It was the diamond sunburst necklace Donovan had given her. The one he had given it to her because he loved her. Maren had carefully tucked it away after her going away party, knowing she would never wear it again, but completely unable to part with it. Apparently, whichever staff member who had unpacked most of her things unearthed it and Maren had not noticed.
“Not that one. Never that one,” Maren snapped.
She hoped very much it did not sound like she was about to cry because the sudden and unexpected reminder of Donovan threatened to make her lose her composure altogether.
Jenny looked surprised but nodded and put the necklace away.
Maren went down to a set of glass-paned doors that opened onto the terrace Jonathan had shown her that afternoon. It was more of a courtyard, truly, with the manor wrapped around it on three sides. An enterprising gardener had coached vines to grow into a sort of rooftop that gave the whole space a very cozy yet woodsy feel.
He had already arrived and rose from the table where he had been sitting. He smiled broadly when he saw her. She hadn’t seen him dressed for dinner before and thought he looked dashing.
“Maren, I’m so happy you could join me,” he said as she walked towards him.
She had to resist the urge to curtsy, knowing that would not be welcome, and she returned his smile. “I’m happy I found the terrace by myself.”
“An accomplishment to be sure.”
He took her hand and kissed it before pulling out her chair for her. She tried very hard not to think about the very memorable breakfast when Donovan had first done that for her.
He sat down beside her and their eyes met. She hadn’t noticed before, but his eyes were green, like Alec’s. But Maren looked away quickly. It felt far too intimate and it scared her.
A servant arrived with glasses of sparkling wine for them. Maren took hers and nodded her thanks.
“To the future,” Jonathan said when the servant had left and tilted his glass to Maren’s.
She forced a smile and made herself say, “To the future,” before touching her glass to his.
They both drank, and Maren tried very hard not to down the whole glass. The concept of a future with Jonathan was terrifying. She wished for something stronger… Which made her think of having brandy with Donovan and how she would never have that again. Her hand shook, and she put her glass down, hoping that Jonathan didn’t notice.
He smiled at her. “So, how was your trip?”
She laughed loudly. She knew he had intended it to be a joke and for some reason, it was funny.
He laughed too. “I had intended to have this dinner after you had a leisurely trip, and then that was what I would ask you first.”
She shook her head, amused. “Well, it was a…memorable trip,” she said.
“A very diplomatic answer,” he said, smiling. “I can tell you’ve been at Court.”
She smiled but looked away. She did not want to talk about being at Court for numerous reasons.
Fortunately, the staff brought out the salad course and Jonathan did not see fit to discuss Court any further.
“How about you tell me something you like instead?”
That was easy. “I suppose you’ll find this either very surprising or not surprising at all, but horses are my biggest interest.”
“Ah, well, I’m not surprised you’re familiar with them, considering where you’re from, but I am a bit surprised you like them,” he said.
“So you’re familiar with the North,” she said.
Many people in the North resented that they had to use horses instead of speeders, which were more comfortable, faster, and easier to maintain.
He shrugged. “Somewhat. One of the battalions I command is stationed near Clifton. We have a hell of a time with transportation. Have to lug our own batteries up there, and everything’s always breaking on the way. But I can boast that I command the last remaining cavalry in the kingdom,” he said with a wink.
“A notable distinction,” she said, smiling.
“So, what do you like about them?” he asked.
She had to think about that. Her love of horses felt so ingrained it was difficult to describe.
“Well, they’re very intelligent animals, but each one has a different personality. And the riding, of course, nothing else is quite like it.”
He smiled. “I haven’t done it in a very long time. My father was the sort who always wanted to be on the cutting edge of everything, so we switched from horses to speeders long before most people. I think I was about ten or so. I didn’t really mind, but my sister was devastated.”
“Oh, I didn’t know you had a sister,” she said.
She couldn’t recall Alec ever mentioning an aunt or uncle or cousin. She assumed that, like herself, Jonathan was an only child.
He smiled, but it was a sad smile. “She died when we were about twenty — we were twins.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that,” she said.
A twin and two wives was quite a lot of loss for one person to bear.
“It’s all right, it was a long time ago. The nice thing is that my middle sons are twins and then one of my twins has twin girls,” he said.
She could see how proud he was of his family. It was lovely.
“So that’s three generations, that’s lovely,” she said.
“You’ll meet them, of course, or some of them, soon. Philip, my oldest, and Thomas, who has the twin girls, live nearby. We’ll have them over sometime but with five children altogether it’s a rather chaotic crowd, so I thought it might be best to wait a bit,” he said.
She took a very large gulp of her wine.
Of course, she would be meeting his sons and their families. She just had never considered it before. Gods, and she was younger than all his sons. She knew Alec, of course, approved of the match, but she had no idea if that extended to his brothers. Did they even know how young she was?
“Ah…are they aware—“
“That you’re thirty years younger than I am? They are,” he said, looking amused.
She nodded. “It did not seem the sort of thing that should be a surprise.”
He chuckled. “Don’t worry. They’ll like you fine.”
She was less optimistic, but that was a problem for another day.
“Ah, tell me something you like,” she said.
It seemed like the right thing to ask, and he appeared pleased with her question.
“Swimming,” he said, surprising her. “There’s a lovely lagoon not too far down the beach that’s perfect for it.”
“Well, I know absolutely nothing about swimming,” she said.
She couldn’t even recall being in anything larger than a bathtub.
He smiled. “I’m not surprised considering where you come from. But perhaps you’ll decide to learn.”
She wasn’t sure about that. She found the ocean very intimidating.
“We’ll see,” she said. She thought there were likely things in the water. Dry land seemed preferable for the foreseeable future.
“Well, the old stables are still standing. I’ll get you a pair of horses as a wedding present, and perhaps you’ll help me remember how to ride.”
She blushed furiously. His exorbitant kindness felt embarrassing. She tried not to think about how little she deserved it.
“That would be most kind, I thank you,”
They kept talking while they ate, and he asked her about her family, and they chatted more about his. He was ridiculously kind and charming. Maren did her best to respond as though she was not dying inside or utterly terrified about the massive upheaval in her life.
“And how did you find the King and Queen? I haven’t seen them in some time,” he said.
Maren really did not want to discuss anything related to Court, but could not come up with a compelling reason not to answer.
“Ah, well, I didn’t see them frequently. Maybe only once a month or so. But they were both kind and welcoming,” she said.
“And what did you think of Prince Donovan?”
Maren very nearly choked on her wine at that. She knew she turned a very dark shade of pink. She looked away from him, very unsure how to respond.
“You don’t have to answer, I just thought we’d get the awkwardness out of the way,” he said.
She gave him a questioning look.
“Well, we can pretend that you just happened to be at Court for some other reason, or we can acknowledge what you were doing and why you were there and with whom you were and then move on with our lives,” he said.
She appreciated his directness, even if it had been alarming at first. She nodded and said, “Yes, let’s do that.”
“Probably you can tell, but I don’t like to tiptoe around things. The fact is, whatever was between the two of you was between the two of you and is no business of mine. And it doesn’t matter, I’m just glad you’re here now.”
Gods, he was painfully kind. She thought it possible it was the most generous reception any former Selectee had had.
She forced herself to smile and say, “As am I.”
They continued eating and chatting. Maren found that, much like Alec, Jonathan was both easy and pleasant to talk to. He very politely avoided any discussion of Kieran or the unpleasantness of the night before. She still felt very on edge, but at least the dinner was not a complete disaster.
“I know you must be tired, so I won’t keep you after dinner, but I had just a small business matter I wanted to discuss with you.”
She was somewhat surprised, but nodded for him to continue.
“Your father and I will sort out the marriage contract when he arrives, I expect it shall not be too difficult. But I wished you to know that it’s my intention to put your dowry…ah….both dowries in trust for you as your own property. I’ll also ensure you become the sole owner of your family's estate when the time comes.”
Maren was very surprised at that. That sort of thing sometimes happened, but it wasn’t common. Maren had assumed the Duke would take the dowries and use them as he saw fit. And as for her family’s estate, she had assumed it would become absorbed into the Duke's own property and willed to one of his sons. But to hear that she would become the sole owner was a relief to a worry she hadn’t known she had.
“Ah… I’m not sure what to say…that’s very generous, I thank you,” she said.
“Really, it’s the very least I could do. I do not want you to worry about your own maintenance should something happen to me—I, of course, expect Alec to keep me alive for as long as possible, but I do recognize I am significantly older than you. Besides, I don’t need any of your property.”
He took her hand in his and held it over the table. She looked at him, hoping her face did not show the alarm she felt.
“And I wanted you to know that your value to me is not monetary,” he said.
Maren blushed and murmured her thanks before looking away.
They finished dinner with an excellent cake, and he offered to walk her back to her rooms. She agreed, she really was exhausted.
“I do hope you find your rooms comfortable,” he said before they reached them.
“Oh yes, they’re very…well, they’re very large.”
He laughed. “The Duke who built this house several generations ago did it as a gift for his wife. They were a love match, so they shared the room. A duke or so later renovated to add a more conventional pair of suites for the Duke and Duchess, but saw fit to leave the size the same.”
Maren nodded. She wanted to avoid discussing love matches and giant bedrooms or massive bathtubs built for two.
“You are, of course, free to redecorate it,” he said.
Maren smiled. “I shall take you up on that, I believe.”
He laughed, “I told Leticia when she decorated that room that she’d get tired of the roses if she put them on everything. She insisted she loved it, but I think she was just being stubborn.”
“Well, I shall have a swatch of it framed in her memory.”
He smiled. “She would have liked that…although perhaps I should apologize, it occurs to me, you may not want to hear about my previous wives.”
Maren had found it somewhat strange, but she thought that was more so because it highlighted their vast age difference and not because of jealousies or anything.
“Not at all,” Maren said. “I should be honored to hear of them. And besides, as you said, there’s very little point in pretending you have not been married before.”
He nodded and smiled at her, apparently pleased with her response.
He stopped walking when they reached the door to the Duchess’s Suite.
“I thank you for your company this evening. It has been a pleasure,” he said.
“The pleasure was mine.”
He kissed her hand and said, “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Jonathan,” she said.
“So, how was dinner?” Alec asked his father at breakfast. Maren had not come down, so he reasoned it was alright to ask.
His father gave him a sharp look. “Dinner was not any of your business.”
Alec smiled over his coffee. “Fine. I’ll ask Maren.”
“As you like,” his father said with great dignity.
“I thought telling me about it was the least you could do after you got rid of me yesterday,” Alec said, smirking.
“I thought Maren might be uncomfortable, seeing as you’re her friend and I’m the one who’s marrying her,” his father explained. “But if you must know, dinner was lovely.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Alec said, and resisted the urge to tease his father further about it. He thought his father seemed pleased. He hoped Maren had a nice time as well.
“And how was your evening?” his father asked.
“Enjoyable. I went into town,” Alec said, and made a point not to think too much about what he had done there in front of his father.
He went to the tavern where he pretended to be a regular person and everyone there pretended that too. He had an excellent ale and some sort of stew and then walked to the boarding house where Seb was staying. They had a very enjoyable time together, and Alec drove back to the house late.
He was tired, but it was well worth it to have proper privacy and a bed. And Alec was glad he had a chance to see Seb without rushing. He was feeling less stressed already.
Seb was firmly in the “physical only” relationship compartment; their lives were far too different for anything else. But Alec thoroughly enjoyed his company. He also really liked being the version of himself that he was when he was with a lover, particularly one like Seb, who he knew fairly well and was friendly with. That version felt like his fullest self, and it was a relief he didn’t have to hide anything from who he was with.
He was almost that version of himself when he was with people he was very close to, like his father or Donovan and Maren. But keeping a big secret from people he cared about was hard. He couldn’t tell his friends when he met someone or if he fell in love. He’d have to dodge questions about why he wasn’t married or interested in getting married. It was always at least a bit uncomfortable.
He thought Maren understood something about that. She also had a massive part of herself that she couldn’t share with anyone.
Alec was fortunate there were like-minded people he could share his secret with. But Maren…it wasn’t as though she could even find anyone else like her, and not only that, but the consequences of discovery were far graver than his own.
She had Donovan, though. Alec didn’t know for sure, but he could only imagine that Donovan was the only person who knew and understood who she really was. Alec knew her secret, but he didn’t understand it. He also knew from long acquaintance with Donovan that there was something Alec could never fully comprehend about having powers, since he didn’t have them. But Alec thought Donovan had given Maren that understanding.
And she lost him.
Alec was suddenly horrified. It would be like if he could never be with anyone ever again, and he would be executed if he was.
He had known Maren was upset but had assumed she would move on from her relationship with Donovan eventually. But now that he thought about it, he wasn’t so sure.
“Are you alright?” his father asked.
Alec had been so absorbed in his thoughts, he had forgotten his father was there.
“Fine, just lost in thought,” he said without looking at his father.
Maren walked in the dining room, which fortunately provided a distraction from his father’s questions.
He and his father wished her good morning, and his father pulled out Maren’s chair for her.
“Coffee?” Alec asked her but was already pouring her a cup.
Maren always wanted coffee.
“So, Maren, I was thinking today I could show you the grounds, maybe the beach. We could go look at the old stables, and you can tell me what needs to be repaired,” Alec’s father said.
Alec watched Maren more than he listened to his father. He could tell she was uncomfortable, but agreed to go anyway. Alec wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing.
“You’re building back the stables?” Alec asked.
He had at least caught that bit of the conversation.
“Maren is getting horses. Perhaps we’ll bring them back in fashion,” his father said.
Alec wasn’t really surprised to hear that his father was getting Maren horses. It was very like his father to do something significant. He was always making grand gestures for the people he cared about. And not just expensive gestures, but personal ones.
As much as Alec didn’t care for horses, he knew Maren needed them. He would hate to lose his private spot on the grounds, but it was far more important that Maren had her horses.
He thought she would look happy at the idea, but she looked even more uncomfortable, upset even.
Alec thought it must be distressing for her to be in love with someone while someone else courted her. Alec thought he might go on a walk with her later. He was worried about her.
Maren’s walk on the grounds with Jonathan was just as pleasant as her dinner with him the night before, and she felt just as uncomfortable about it.
She felt the same when he took her to the beach later that day, and the next day when he took her to see the nearby town, and every single time he mentioned the horses. He was making a point of doing something privately with her every day, and Maren felt like it might be killing her.
To make matters worse, Jonathan was so kind it was almost embarrassing. He kept saying things about how glad he was that she was there and how important she was to him. He asked her if she needed anything to feel more comfortable nearly as much as Alec asked her how she was feeling.
She did like him. He was far too charming and pleasant to talk to for her to not like him. But she felt completely and utterly unworthy of everything he did or said. She knew he would never treat her with such generosity if he knew she was in love with someone else. She also knew that regardless of what he did or said, she would never want to marry him.
Maren felt terribly guilty about not wanting to marry him. She felt even more guilty about liking him. And then she felt guilty about feeling guilty. The only thing she had more of than guilt was grief. She had a hoard of grief, but it was beginning to feel less sharp and demanding and more like a lead weight in her chest. As a result, she had managed to keep her crying contained to her rooms.
She thought she could’ve handled the grief and the guilt and even the pain she still had, were it not for the nightmares.
It started the night she had dinner with Jonathan. She was tired and didn’t think to take one of the sleeping pills Alec gave her, and woke up panting and shaking in the middle of the night. She couldn’t go back to sleep and was exhausted while Jonathan took her around the grounds.
The next night, she took the sleeping pill, but she still had the nightmare. And again, the night after that. Then she didn’t bother with the pills the following night and let the nightmare come.
Each night it was the same. Kieran was torturing her while Donovan and Jonathan watched with cold expressions on their faces.
“It isn’t your fault, gentlemen,” Kieran said. “This is what witches do. They use people. Not to worry, though, I have a use for her. Witches make excellent pets.”
Then Kieran would hurt her until she woke up.
Afterward, Maren would sit in the window seat until Jenny came to wake her for breakfast.
After four nights of the dream and hardly sleeping, Maren felt as though she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. When Jenny came to wake her, Maren informed the maid she would not be going to breakfast. She simply could not.
Staying in her rooms was such an improvement over trying to pretend to be normal, she skipped luncheon, too. She knew it would prompt either Alec or Jonathan or possibly both to check on her, but she didn’t care. If either of them did, she’d inform them that it wasn’t personal, but she would be staying in her rooms for the foreseeable future.
She had enough presence of mind to recognize that she would not solve her problems by hiding from them, but didn’t have the capacity to do anything else.
Instead, she wondered which one would come first. It didn’t really matter, but she could make compelling arguments for both of them to want to send the other. Possibly, they would spend so long debating which one of them should that neither would come. That was fine, too.
In the end, it was Alec who visited. He arrived shortly after luncheon. She ignored the knock on her sitting room door and was annoyed when he let himself in and knocked directly on her bedroom door.
“I know you’re there, Maren, please talk to me,” he said.
He had been trying to talk to her for days and she kept avoiding him. She would rather not talk to anyone and Alec, with deep loyalties to both his father and Donovan, least of all.
“I’m fine,” she called.
“People who are fine do not skip two meals in a row. Now, please come out and talk to me, so I can stop yelling through the door,” he said.
“I’m not dressed,” she called.
“Then put on your dressing gown,” he said.
She made a growling noise she knew she picked up from Donovan.
“I’m not leaving until you come out,” Alec said.
She sighed. She did want him to go away.
“Fine!” she called.
She was already in her dressing gown and otherwise decent, so she stomped to the sitting room door and flung it open.
“See, I’m alive. Happy?”
He did not look impressed. “Why didn’t you come down today?”
He asked in a gentle tone of voice, the sort of tone that made it impossible for her to continue with her indignation.
“I just… I couldn’t,” she said.
He frowned at her, studying her face.
“You look awful. When was the last time you slept a whole night?”
She gritted her teeth. “The night we arrived.”
She could tell that surprised him. “Are you taking—“
She looked away from him.
“The pills didn’t work,” she mumbled. “Still had nightmares.”
He pursed his lips. “Kieran again?”
She nodded and bit her lip to try to keep from crying.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” he asked.
She shook her head violently.
“Will you do it anyway?”
She pressed her eyes closed and nodded. As much as she didn’t want to discuss anything with anyone, she had to do something.
Alec pulled her into an embrace and gently patted her while she cried. At first, she couldn’t speak and just cried. Then it all poured out of her. She knew she shouldn’t but she did anyway. She told him about the nightmare and all of her grief and all of her guilt.
“Maren, I can see why you feel guilty, but you haven’t done anything wrong,” he said. “I know Donovan would be glad to know you liked your future husband. And as for your future husband…it’s not as though it’s a love match. It’s an arrangement that will work well for both of you. You’re still free to love and grieve and feel whatever you feel.”
She wasn’t sure she found that convincing. “He’s so nice, I can’t stand it. It’s so unfair to him because I don’t want any of it,” she said.
“Would it make you feel better to know that that’s just how my father treats everyone? I guarantee he’d be doing the same sort of things, regardless of who you were. He’s just…that kind,” he explained.
Maren sniffed and nodded. It did make her feel better. She thought she could accept his kindness more easily, knowing that it wasn’t specifically for her.
“He’s trying to make you feel welcome,” Alec said. “He just overdoes everything. When my stepmother got sick, she was practically drowning in flowers for weeks until she finally asked him to stop.”
Maren laughed softly at that.
“I understand why you don’t want him to know about…what things were like with Donovan, and I’m not saying you should tell him, just that if he knew, I promise he would be very kind about it. He would tell you how sorry he was and would probably embarrass you half to death, but he wouldn’t be angry with you,” Alec said.
She sniffed and wiped her eyes, unsure how to respond.
“I think…well, I know I don’t fully understand, but I have some notion of what…you’ve lost. I know it’s very painful, and I know it’s going to take a long time for it to feel less painful. So, let it take whatever time it takes,” he said.
She sighed and nodded.
“You don’t have any pills for that, do you?” she asked.
He laughed. “Apologies, I do not.”
“You’re a lousy physician,” she said, but smiled, so he knew she was joking.
He smiled, but continued.
“As for the nightmares, possibly that’s a lot more to do with what happened with Kieran than anything that’s going on with your other relationships.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maren, Kieran did something awful to you. That would be deeply upsetting for anyone under any circumstances. Honestly, it’d worry me more if you weren’t having some distress about it,” he said.
She wasn’t sure what to do with that. She didn’t want to think about what Kieran had done.
“I just want to forget about it.”
He grimaced. “I’m sure you do, but that’s not usually how these things work,” he said. “Gods, have you even talked about what happened with anyone?”
She shook her head.
“It might help. I’m not saying you have to talk to me, but if you talk through it, it might help you feel better,” he said.
She really didn’t want to. She wasn’t sure she could bear to return to the temple and relive what Kieran had done to her there.
“Maybe it’ll help to talk to your parents when they get here,” he said.
Maren shook her head. “Gods, I forgot they were even coming. But no, it’ll only worry them. They like to pretend I don’t have powers. It’s easier to let them,” she said.
It was part of why being with Donovan was such a joy. He didn’t need her to pretend anything.
Alec nodded. “Well, I’m here if you change your mind.”
“Thank you.”
“Now, you have to rest. I’ll bring you something a bit stronger later that hopefully will keep the nightmares away. But you should take a nap,” he said. “Sleep deprivation is really awful for anyone’s mental state, I think you’ll feel a lot better after a decent night’s sleep.”
“Gods, I hope so.”
“Would you like me to tell my father you’ll be indisposed until tomorrow?” he said.
She nodded, relieved. She did not at all feel up to speaking with Jonathan.
“Thank you,” she said.
He smiled. “It’s what I’m here for. Now, go to bed.”
“Yes, mother,” she said, walking to her bedroom.
She laid down in bed. She still felt very fragile—like a strong wind might knock her over. But, she felt as though her burden had eased and quickly fell asleep.