The Lost Mate

Max

“Have you ever considered...maybe you can’t find her because she doesn’t want to be found?”

My listless wolf reared up with defensive anger at Will’s suggestion. I was unprepared for the flood of distressed pain that came from him at the idea that she might intentionally be staying away from me or the rage that surged in its wake. “What are you suggesting?” I asked, my growl leaking into my voice.

“I’m not saying she doesn’t. But think about it, man. Like we said, it’s been three years, and at the beginning, it made sense you couldn’t find her. Everyone was fleeing and hiding, worried that Stonemason would be coming after them. But now, it’s not like that anymore. You’ve basically managed to find every known survivor but her, you don’t think that’s a strange coincidence?”

“I’ve basically managed to find every survivor but her and her father,” I corrected, trying to keep my voice steady, and forcibly unclenched my fists. Will wasn’t the enemy. He wasn’t trying to be harsh or cruel, he was trying to help. It wasn’t his fault that my wolf chose this moment to feel murderous or that I was no longer used to controlling my animal nature. It had been so long since my wolf had reacted to anything...

“Then do you think he’s the reason why she’s disappeared?” Will asked.

“No.”

“He did oppose you.”

“Not really. He just didn’t want her knocked up when we were in high school.” It had been frustrating at the time, but not unreasonable. One day, if—no, when—I found her, and we had children, I’d probably feel the same way.

Will sighed. “If she wanted to find you, she would have by now.”

“Stop saying that.”

“Why not? It’s true. There are a hundred ways she could have found you by now if she wanted to. All she’d have to do would be to find one other survivor and they could direct her on. Or even stumble upon one of the countless people you’ve spoken to while searching.”

I gritted my teeth and held in the next growl that was threatening to tear out of me. “If she hasn’t found me yet, it’s because she can’t. I know Lillian better than I know myself, and she would never willingly leave me like this. Something happened, and that’s all the more reason that I need to find her.”

“And you’re sure she’s still alive?”

“Why does everyone keep fucking asking me that!?”

Will didn’t flinch at my tone. “Because it’s a reasonable question, Max.”

“I can still feel her.” I growled. “The pack bond snapped, but our mate bond is alive, and that means she’s alive, and that means that she must need me. It’s the only thing I know, and if I have to spend the rest of my life searching, that’s what I’ll do.”

“Calm down. I just wanted to—”

A stray thought, an idea, a small hope crossed my mind and flipped my wolf’s attention over like a switch. Will wasn’t an enemy, he was an ally. “You...”

“What about me?”

“You’re good at magic, good enough to be a professor here. Good enough to transform yourself into a jaguar.”

“Yeah. So?”

“You could trace the bond between Lillian and I.”

Will was instantly wary, holding himself more stiffly than usual. “I probably could, but it’s against the witchcraft ethics agreements. If I got caught, I could end up before a disciplinary committee or living as a pariah.”

“Who says you’d get caught? And since when have you cared about the rules?”

“You’re not asking me to ignore rules, Max. You’re asking me to use magic on something as deep as your very essence. Lillian’s essence! And even if I were willing to do it, you want me to perform potentially dangerous magic without her consent.”

“She would want you to, if this is just about your ethics agreements.” I ignored his concerns and watched him steadily. Finding her was more important than petty idealism. This might be the break I had searched so long for.

“Forget ethic agreements. The ways that sort of power could be abused are countless. There are things you just don’t do. You don’t mess with the dead. You don’t use magic to impede free will. And you sure as hell don’t fuck with bonds that are wrapped up in people’s souls.”

“Would it hurt her?” That was the one thing I wouldn’t risk.

“Probably not if I were just looking. But I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve spent a lot of time researching forbidden magic.” It was a pointed jab.

“Do it for me. Please, Will.” I wasn’t above begging.

His form was tense. “No.”

“I need her back. I need your help. I can’t ask this of anyone else.”

“You can’t ask this of me, either. It’s too much.”

“I’ve been through too much.”

“We all have.”

My shoulders slumped and my wolf again struggled inside me, wanting to break out and—I didn’t even know what. All he knew was that he had to do something, anything, to find her. His desperation was my own and I would do anything, break anything, if it would get her back. I met Will’s eyes accusingly.

“You weren’t there.” Was it wrong to play on his guilt over Glenhaven? Maybe, but I didn’t care, not with my wolf pushing me towards my singular goal.

“Are you blaming me for not being there?” Will asked, instantly on edge.

“Yes. No. Maybe if you had been there, it could have turned the tide. Maybe you owe me. I saved—”

“I’m grateful that you saved my sister’s life, but you’re fucking insane if you think that having one more substandard warrior there would have changed anything.”

“It might have.”

“It wouldn’t have. You know I wasn’t much of a fighter.”

His stubbornness further aggravated my wolf and my temper. The results of the Glenhaven massacre wasn’t his fault, but he was refusing to help me. He was just another roadblock, just another disappointment, after years of disappointments. “We’ll never know if you could have helped back then because you were too busy playing with magic and becoming a big shot mage, right?”

“Fuck you.”

“And you weren’t there, while we fought for the life of our pack and our family.”

Will got to his feet like he was going to storm out of his own apartment, but then he whirled around and faced me. “Do you think it was so easy for me? Do you? I was in my fucking dorm room and was woken up in the middle of the night by the snapping of every connection I’d ever had. No idea what happened, unable to contact anyone to find out. I didn’t know who was alive or dead!”

“While I was fighting for my life, and the life of everyone we loved.”

“And I would have been doing the same if I had been there.” Will raked his hand through his dark curls in frustration.

“But you weren’t there. But you can help me now.” I watched the internal conflict play out across his face.

“No. I’m not doing it. And fuck you and your attempt to manipulate me!”

Under the pounding of my wolf’s furious determination in my skull, his words hit home and highlighted just what I was doing to someone who didn’t deserve it. My shoulders sagged like a marionette with cut strings, and I forced myself to meet his angry, betrayed eyes. He was shaking with some heavy emotion, and he looked away from me. The rejection hit me viscerally, and guilt stung me. What had I done?

“You’re right. I am sorry, Will.” He was my friend, my best friend, even if disparate experiences had carved a gulf between us.

“Fine.” He was still angry and walked to the small kitchen and cracked open another drink.

“I’m just...I’m running out of direction. It’s been so long. My wolf is desperate and I let him influence me.”

“I know. I’m sorry, too,” he said. “I wish I could help.”

“I just can’t give up. I have nothing else. She’s my mate. And there’s nothing more important.”

Will returned to his spot beside the unmarked papers. He leaned his head back, looking straight towards the corner of the opposite ceiling instead of at me. “I haven’t found my mate yet, and my wolf is getting restless. Do you think I’ve never been tempted to try it for myself? Find a way to see and follow those thin wisps of connection between me and a stranger who would be the most important person in the world if I could only find her? But I don’t. I just wait and hope.”

“This isn’t like before I found her, Will. I can’t go on like this forever. You think this is living? My wolf is all but gone most of the time, and every time he gets his hopes up and gets let down again he retreats a little bit further. You know what I’ve done these past three years? I’ve searched for Lillian. I’ve watched, and listened, and smelled for any sign of her. Other than that? I’ve protected Kain, and supported my friends and the new pack. But even that is for Lillian, because I know she would want me to, or because I need somewhere safe for her to live when I find her.”

“You’re selling yourself short. Even without her, you would still do those things.”

I shrugged. “Maybe. Without her, why would I even bother? Why not just go rogue? I need to find her. This is a half life, and the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I am going to find her. And if I have to violate some ethics to do so, I’m going to do it. I get you don’t want to violate your conscience, but what if you just taught me how? I could—”

“I’m not teaching you how to do something that dangerous. You’ve got no magical knowledge, and even if you did, this isn’t something you can just find in a random book. And even if it was, can’t you imagine what would happen if someone with ill intent figured out how to exploit and manipulate the bonds between wolves? It could destroy the entire werewolf population. It’s our biggest weakness. If you control a mate, you control a wolf.”

He was right.

My wolf’s hope was exhausted and he had faded back to barely a whisper again. I was so alone.

—————

Author’s Note:

Did I write another (initially) depressing story? Apparently! I swear I don’t see it until I’m getting it ready to post. Sowwy! XD

Thanks for reading!