The Kingdom of Secrets and Ruin

Dalliah

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.” Rhu breaks away after a shock seems to rip its way through my body, starting from the exact place where his lips met mine, and ending down at the tips of my toes. I didn’t even think I could feel those.

Just like what happened the first time our skin grazed each other, it’s like static has travelled between us and I wonder if this will be the same every time we touch, if we touch again. The fact that he’s apologising doesn’t make it seem likely and I’m concerned that I’m not sure what to feel about that.

There should be a sense of relief, right? But instead, I find myself replying with, “It’s okay.” But is it?

My chest feels heavier now and my lips seem to be buzzing even though nothing touches them anymore. It’s strange, it’s like my body wants more but that’s not a thing, is it? Plus it can’t be, it’s Rhu.

I don’t get much time to unpack that as he is already beside his horse, launching himself up in the air and onto its back. I don’t know how he managed to get over there so quickly and if he weren’t the one who initiated this whole thing, I’d say he was running off.

But maybe I’m right anyway. A laugh escapes from my chest as I read the look on his face, confirming as much, even if it doesn’t make any sense. Why should he be the one to run here?

I don’t get it. He’s chased me for weeks, finally got what he wanted and is fleeing for his life. Was that the plan all along or have I done something wrong? I’ve never been kissed before and wasn’t exactly prepared for it to happen today, with him for that matter.

“I need to go,” He looks at my face, searching for something, “I’m really sorry, Dalliah, I shouldn’t ha- I’m sorry.”

Again I open my mouth to tell him that it’s okay, even though that is far from the case, but it’s too late. He and the horse are making their way out of the stables and he’s gone without so much as a glance behind him.

I’m left standing here pathetically, a bag of apples in one hand, a clenched fist in the other. Is that all he can say? That he’s sorry? No explanation? No expansion?

What am I mean to do with this?

I sigh, running fingers through my hair that’s only managed to get knottier from the encounter. I can still feel the phantom touch of his arm wrapped around my waist from when he pulled me closer. It doesn’t feel real anymore, like perhaps I imagined it somehow, but even my imagination isn’t that good.

The abandonment and confusing messaging aside, I need to somehow process how I feel about that, because I know what I’m not feeling, and it’s everything that I should be.

Like I assumed before, there should be relief that it’s over, not to mention anger or disgust that he was able to take me by surprise. But the only thing I can hold against him is that he left, which is lunacy.

“Oh I am in deep trouble.” I have to say out loud due to feeling it so thoroughly.

Where do I go from here? The man who killed my family just kissed me and some sick, twisted part of me liked it. Because that part is true, isn’t it? I liked it and I shouldn’t have, couldn’t have and yet I did.

I’m an embarrassment to the Leverer name, another woman who has let a man take what he wants and left her the second it’s over. I heard of other maids in similar positions to me, I’d never understood how they could be so foolish and yet here I am.

He could dismiss me now that it’s over, end the deal and leave me stranded in this hell of a kingdom. The idea turns my stomach but I quickly dismiss it.

Rhu might have done many things, awful things, but somehow, deep in my gut that’s never driven me wrong yet, I know that won’t be the case. He apologised, felt bad for what happened and men that sweep us aside after don’t do that.

Or at least I don’t think they would. They don’t strike me as the type to own fault.

For now anyway, I just need to recover myself, move on and accept that it’s happened while also trying to forget. Not that I ever could forget, the way his lips pressed mine so softly, arms holding me closer, like he was scared I’d float away…

No. This is not helping. I am not helping things.

I forcibly shake my head to try and push out these intrusive thoughts, open the bag of apples and make my way around the horses. Their coats are silky and smooth under my fingertips, their demeanour kinder than I expected from some of them and they seem rather happy with the treat I’ve brought down from the kitchens.

In my mind I replay the plot of my book over and over again, something to keep my thoughts occupied while training my memory to keep it safe, because I can’t keep that book now, can I?