The Gift

I dream of the accident, watching myself as if I was a third party, in slow motion running and catching my slipper on something, then rocketing away of the spinning ride. The force causing me to go headfirst until my shoulder hit the ground and I bounce and skid along the mat.

I hadn’t even come close to a stop yet when Ben was already jumping off the merry-go-round, heading straight to me. It was like he could see. He landed on his knees next to my head, leaning over into my face, asking if I was okay and saying he was sorry for not seeing it.

Even in my dream I tell him he was being stupid. Of course, he couldn’t see it happen, he was blind. Duh!

I saw him grab my hand and fight to keep it until he was forced to let go for the CAT scan, at which point I wake up.

It was morning already, but I was still tired. Anna comes in, sees that I’m awake and she tells me she’s going to get my vitals since I’m up before she brings in my breakfast.

She does a quick run through of vitals and gives me a once over, checking my central line, catheter, and my movement. “You willing to try to sit up?” she asks.

I push the button to raise the head of my bed. Dumb question, that was easy.

She stops me, saying, “No, not the bed. You.”

“Sure,” I reply, not knowing what she means.

Going to my left, she holds me hands and says, “Okay, pull yourself up.”

I pull, or try to, and see my bicep flex some but nothing more. Using my stomach muscles, I try to compensate for my arm, doing a half crunch, half sit up, but I was able to do it.

“Now, uncover your left foot, using only your left side,” she says.

What the heck?

I pinch the sheet between my fingers and thumb and try to pull. It moves slightly, but not enough. I wiggle my toes kind of, and the sheet moves with them but doesn’t come off.

Next, I try to bend my knees to pull the sheet up so I can hold it back and let my knees drop. It was a great idea in concept however my knee refuses to bend more than a few degrees.

Frustrated, I grab the sheet with my right hand and yank it off me, nearly flinging it off the bed.

Anna calmly says, “The good news is your movement is already improving. The bad news is if you get frustrated like that later, you’re likely to be very embarrassed.”

I follow her eye and look down, realizing what I did. Without the sheet, I was now exposed from the waist down. I sigh and cover myself with my right hand, trying to figure out how to cover myself now that my sheet was too far to reach only having one hand and limited movement.

Willing my arm to work, it raises enough to throw over my thigh and cover myself so I could use my right hand to grab the sheet and put it back over me.

Anna claps and says, “Very well done. Even frustrated you thought about the problem clearly and over came obstacles in your way. You were even able to move your arm. I’ll work with you along with PT. If you’re willing to use a bedpan, I’ll get the doc to okay removing the cath. PT will be a lot easier and less embarrassing if we ca get bottoms on you. I can’t guarantee a female therapist, and technically I can’t do it. As soon as you can get around enough, even if it requires assistance, to make it to the bathroom the bedpan can go too. It’s up to you though.”

I sigh and say, “Do it.”

“Good. I’m glad to see you haven’t lost your fight.”

I stick my tongue out at her.

“Nor your sense of humor or sharp wit.”

“Favor?” I ask.

“Depends on how bad I can get in trouble for it,” she replies with a smile.

“Later, bring Ben please.”

“That’s it? I’m waiting for special requests and that’s all you throw at me? No problem. I’m pretty sure Holly will come by, and if Brittany is half as determined as you, she’ll be down even if she has to crawl. So, what’s one more person.”

Yay.

“Okay, breakfast time,” she says turning to leave. Stopping at the door she says, “Oh, Jason sends his love by the way,” and walks out.

I smile at the empty doorway. Or at least half of me does. I close my eyes and semi-doze until Anna brings breakfast, which I pick at.

When she comes back for my tray, she frowns and says, “You need to eat more. Now especially. You start getting depressed on me and we’ll start feeding you in your line. Can’t taste ice cream that way.”

I attempt to scowl and say, “Jus’ not hungry.”

She gives me a look that says eat or else.

“Fine, I’ll try,” I say and she tickles me.

“Good. That’s all I ask. Now, ready for some company?”

“Who?” I ask.

“You’ll see,” she says taking my tray and leaving.

A minute later my mom comes in the door followed by my dad. “Mom, Dad,” I say happy.

“Hello sweetheart,” Mom says, coming over and giving me a hug. She stands back so that Dad can take her place.

He gives me a hug that seems to go on and on. I smell his aftershave and realize how much I miss that smell. “I missed you so much,” he says, his face buried in my neck.

“Same,” I reply. I finally realize that it isn’t him who isn’t letting go, it’s me. My left hang managed to find my right and they are gripped together.

I let go and my left-hand falls to my side. “Sorry,” I say.

“I’m not,” he says before he misses me and stands.

I see tears on his cheeks and tell him, “Don’t cry. I’m okay…Sorta. But getting better they say.”

Anna shows up with another chair and Dad takes it around to the left side of the bed and Mom stays on the right. Both take a hand to hold as we talk.

I try to reassure them that I’ll be okay, and I haven’t given up.

While I talk to Mom, I feel Dad playing with my hand. Moving his fingers in and out of mine, curling my fingers, looking at my nails and the polish on them. It’s only after a while that it dawns on me that I actually feel all of this.

I know Mom has told him about my hair but he hasn’t mentioned it so I bring it up. “So, Dad, what do you think of my hair?”

“It’s… blue,” he says.

“Duh, really? I can’t fool you, can I?”

“On you, it’s cute. Not everyone could pull it off.”

“But do you like it?”

“Yes, but I’m prejudiced. I love you no matter what your hair looks like. It’s been long, short, non-existent, now blue. And with each, it makes you unique. You being you. And that’s what I love, hair and all.” He takes my hand and kisses it. I can feel the hair stubble on his chin.

We talk until Anna comes back in, saying it was time for my morning PT. She tells my parents they could come back in about an hour, after I was done.

My parents give me hugs and kisses and leave.