The Gift

Anna was smiling still and told me, “I’m glad you made a new friend today, along with everything else.”

I frown and tell her, “But I don’t know when, or even if I’ll ever see him again. He’s not a patient here and I can’t just hang out in the playground hoping he’ll show up.”

“Yeah, that might look a little desperate. Can’t have that,” she quips.

Ugh. Why did I bring this embarrassment on myself?

“Relax,” she says. “Who knows what can happen.. And it’s not like you were dating and he left, never to be seen again. You’ll meet other boys.”

“But like him?” I say, not sure what I meant.

“Well, if you want to meet another blind boy, this Is a good place to do it,” she kids.

I groan. “We was… different. I felt it.”

“Ah, young love and early hormones,” she says with a straight face.

I’m mortified and my mouth drops open. I want to say something but I’m speechless. Wanting to deny it, I can’t find the words. A little voice in my head asks me if she isn’t right.

I finally find my voice and say, “But I have cancer.”

Anna looks at me waiting for more, then when nothing else comes out, replies, “And? Did the chemo kill your feelings too? You seemed to have plenty just a few minutes ago. You felt guilt, why not love too?”

I roll my eyes and she continues. “Okay, like then. Or puppy love. Whatever you want to call it. You’re old enough.”

“I should have at least got his number,” I say.

“It’s too late for regret.”

I sigh. “It’s not like I’ve got my whole life ahead of me like you do. Dating, love, marriage… sex… kids.” I go red again hoping Anna doesn’t make a big deal out of the sex thing. “I’m going to die. Soon.”

“Now you don’t know that Mandy,” Anna says sharply.

“But I do,” I blurt, then clam up.

“Do I need to get Doctor Reynolds down here to talk to you?” she asks, obviously concerned.

I shake my head sharply no. I don’t need a shrink. This was the wrong conversation to have when I can’t talk about Lucas to anyone. I wish I could tell Anna, but I know I can’t.

Instead I say, “Let’s just say I know it’ll be sooner rather than later. I’m not going to kid myself, and I wish you wouldn’t either.” Good, use deflection.

She looks at me for a minute, then nods and says, “Fair enough. But even so, that doesn’t mean you can’t have some of that. At least the dating and love parts. Sex, well, when you’re older, then it’s up to you. Marriage and kids are probably out, unless you decide to start really early, which I advise against. But I’m just your friend.”

“You are, thank you. Again, for everything you’ve done.”

“You’re very welcome sweety,” she says kissing my cheek. “You’ve had a long day so far, so why don’t you take a nap. I’ll get you up for dinner if you’re still asleep.”

“Okay.”

Anna pulls my sheet up to my waist and lowers the head of my bed. “Call if you need anything,” she says before leaving, pulling my door almost closed behind her.

Tired, I fall asleep quickly. I dream of Lucas and Ben, and I know this because Holly wakes me up in the middle of it. She actually startles me without meaning to.

Her hand is on my forearm and she was quietly calling my name. I jumped non-the-less.

“Easy,” she says. “It’s only me, Holly.”

I blink at her, my dream floating away like fog in the wind.

“I wasn’t sure whether or not to wake you, but I decided to because I wanted you to have first choice at the new stuff.” She fans out several magazines for me to choose from.

I pick out a teen magazine and one of those celebrity mags.

“I have a surprise for you,” she says setting down the rest of the magazines on my chair. Reaching into her pocket she pulls out a book and hands it to me.

I examine it. It’s a copy of Robert A. Heinlein’s The Number of the Beast. One of my favorites.

“I’ll let you go back to sleep. I just wanted to surprise you. Surprise!” Holly says. “I’ll stop back in tomorrow.”

“Okay, until I see you again,” I say and she looks at me funny. “I’ll explain tomorrow.”

“Humm, suspense. Okay, well, ta-ta then,” she says picking up her magazines and bounces out of the room.

I wish I could be as bouncy as she was.

Sitting the book on the nightstand next to me, I lay back and close my eyes and try to recapture my lost dream. I don’t think I ever found it, or at least remember it, because Anna woke me up for dinner and I was blank.