The Forbidden Freshman: A College Sports Romance (Nolan U Hockey Book 1)

I pound on the door with my fist, not letting up until it swings open.

Liam eyes me up. He looks confused and then a little suspicious. I have no idea what Ethan told him, and I can’t help squirming as I stand there under the yellow glow of the porch light.

“I need to talk to Ethan.” I step up to slip past him, but he blocks my way.

“He’s not in a good space right now.”

“I know that.” I raise my eyebrows. “I’m the reason why. Please, I need to make this right.”

He stays put, crossing his thick arms.

“Padre, please. I screwed up, and I have to apologize and tell him the truth.”

He obviously doesn’t know what went down between Ethan and me because he’s fighting confusion.

“I’m not leaving,” I warn him. “I will sleep on your doorstep if I have to.”

That does the trick. He lets out a heavy sigh and finally shifts so I can get past him. The house is busy but not chaotic. It’s getting late, so some of the guys have probably turned in for the night or are in their rooms studying.

I bury my hands in my hoodie pockets and throw Liam a questioning look. “He in his room?”

Liam nods, still obviously uneasy about letting me in.

I give him an edgy smile, trying to reassure him, but I don’t think it works. My legs are practically shaking as I climb the stairs and pause outside Ethan’s door.

If I knock, he probably won’t let me in. I hurt him. I can’t get that look on his face out of my head. I have to make him understand that I didn’t want to do the initiation. I’d already decided not to follow through with it and was trying to come up with ways around it. Surely he’ll get that.

Sucking in a breath, I knock once and open the door before he can even ask who it is.

He’s sitting at his desk in sweats and a T-shirt, his feet bare and beautiful. He’s hunched over a textbook, his laptop buzzing. The second he spots me, he slams it shut and throws me a heated glare.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“We need to talk.”

“You don’t want to talk, remember? You hate that shit. And I’m fucking done.” He shoots out of his chair, walking past me to the door I just closed.

Wrenching it open, he points into the hallway, silently telling me to get out.

I cross my arms and meet his heated glare. “I’m not leaving.”

“Yes you are. I don’t want you here. I don’t want to look at your face. I don’t want to hear any more of your bullshit. I want you out!”

His thundering shout makes me flinch. I can’t hide it, and for a second, I think I see him wince like he regrets what he’s saying. But it’s only a flash, and his face is soon back to that rigid anger I walked in on.

Shit. He has every right to be pissed at me. He has every right to kick me out of his room.

I played him. I lied to him.

And even though all of my feelings became real, I never said a word. I could have told him, risked that smile disappearing off his face, but I chickened out, and now I’m facing his rage.

And I deserve it.

Working my jaw to the side, I try to stop it trembling as tears build in my throat and start to burn my eyes. I won’t let them fall. If I do that, Aimee wins.

Who am I kidding?

She’s already won.

With a little sniff, I finally nod and inch toward his door. Pausing just before I leave, I murmur the only thing I can. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

His jaw clenches and he keeps his gaze on the floor, gently pushing me the rest of the way out his door before closing it behind me.

I’m frozen for a second, swaying on my feet and wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do now.

A door opens down the hallway, and it works like an electric shock to my system. Darting down the stairs, I rush past Liam and bolt out the front door, not even closing it behind me as I run back to Greek Row.

The closer I get to the sorority house, the sicker I feel.

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this awful in my entire life. Even after Dad left. That was brutal, but this is somehow worse.

I screwed up so fucking badly. I knew from the start that this initiation was a stupid idea, but I played along anyway. I let my mom convince me it was just a silly game. I let my strings be pulled by Aimee and those girls, all the while knowing I shouldn’t go through with it.

And I wasn’t going to.

But I didn’t act fast enough, and now I’ve lost Ethan.

So what’s the point of staying?

Pausing outside the sorority house, I stare up at the beautiful white building with its pillars out front and its rows of windows. It’s a picture-perfect house that I should want a place in.

But I don’t.

I’m not Sig Be material, and it’s time to accept that and face the consequences.

Sucking in a breath, I walk through the front door and head for my room.

“Oh, you’re back.” Teah jumps up from the couch and follows me. “You just disappeared. I wondered where you’d gone. I tried texting you,” she rabbits on, following me all the way to my room.

“I left my phone here.” I pick it up off the bed and show it to her before dropping to my knees.

“What are you doing?”

Clenching my jaw, I pull my duffel bag out from beneath my bed and yank it open. I don’t say anything. She’s not stupid. She’ll figure it out as soon as I start packing.

I yank open my drawers and scoop my clothes out.

“Mikayla?” Teah frowns, her lips parting. “Where are you going?”

“I don’t belong here,” I murmur, punching my clothes into the bag, then turning to grab my underwear and socks.

“But you just got in. You passed the initiation.”

“No I didn’t.” I shake my head, that sick feeling rising up my throat.

“Yes, you totally did. Aimee will be inviting you to the initiation ceremony and⁠—”

“I won’t be going.” My voice is flat, but my face must be bleeding whatever the hell I’m feeling, because Teah gasps.

Then she backs out of the room, running down the hallway with an urgent shout. “Aimee! We need you!”

I roll my eyes. Great, now I have to deal with her too. This is just perfect.

El Presidente appears in my doorway just as I’m securing my bag. I hitch it onto my shoulder and give her a pointed look.

She smirks. “Going somewhere?”

“You know it.” I knock her shoulder as I brush past her.

She lets out an indignant huff and clips after me. “What do you think you’re doing? You’ve got a place in the house. You made it.”

I spin back, anger flashing through me. “I don’t want a place in this house. I don’t belong here.” I let out a hard laugh. “It kills me to say it, but you were right all along.”

Aimee’s eyes flash, her bright gaze fierce. “You’re not leaving. You passed the test. Dad expects you to stay. You can’t just walk out now.”

“You don’t want me here!” I spit back. “How many times have I heard you say I’m not Sigma Beta Mu material? I get it. I’m not one of you, and that’s fine. I’m sick of playing your stupid games anyway.”

She rolls her shoulders, her eyes darting around the other girls before she puts on a smile. “I never said I didn’t want you here.” She lets out a plastic laugh. “We just wanted you to prove your commitment, which you did. Right, girls?”

They nod, but their usual enthusiasm is a little lackluster, no doubt squashed by the vibrating tension in the air.

“Mikayla, come on. Don’t be ridiculous. You’re a Sig Be sister now.”

I shake my head, pausing in the entranceway. “I’m not. I never wanted to do that initiation, and I was gonna pull out of it. If Ethan hadn’t come along without me knowing, he never would have heard you, and…” My voice trails off, my chest aching as I relive that look on his face again.

Her blue eyes sparkle with amusement. “But he did, so lucky you. You’re in.”

“I’m out.”

Her face bunches with indignant confusion, and then she gasps. “Wait. Oh, do not tell me you actually fell for that asshole.”

I clench my jaw, staring down at the shiny tiles. “I never wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt anybody.”

“Oh please. He deserves it. The guy is a shameless man slut. We did you a favor.”

I shake my head, my chin bunching as I’m tortured by his sad face, his biting words… the way he gently pushed me out his door.

I’ve lost him. I screwed up, and I lost him.

It hurts so fucking bad.

“Mikayla, seriously. Stop acting like a crazy person,” Teah pleads. “You don’t need some guy. You’ve got us now.”

I glance up with a frown. How are they not getting this? Why would I want them over Ethan—or any of the guys in Hockey House, for that matter? They’re my people.

The thought that I’ll never step foot in Hockey House again clutches my throat, making it hard to breathe.

Shit. I’ve lost it all.

Aimee’s nodding, oblivious to my internal meltdown. “She’s right. Stop messing around and accept this honor.”

Her words snap me back to attention. “Honor?”

“Yes, honor. Do you know how many girls would love to be in your position right now?”

“Probably hundreds.” I shrug. “But the point is…” I let out a breath, and despite the fist that’s squeezing my heart to dust, I feel a sense of liberation as I look Aimee in the face and tell her, “The point is… I don’t want to be here.”

I spin for the door, kind of surprised that the thought of being homeless right now is more appealing than staying in this place. The chains around me are dropping off as I reach for the door handle.

“Argh!” Aimee screeches. “You are impossible. Your mother’s right about you. No wonder she had such a hard time raising you. All she wants to do is help you, and you just keep throwing it back in her face. And now you’re doing the same thing to me. To us!”

I whip around, struggling to hide my shock. Has she been having secret powwows with Mom behind my back? Talking shit about me?

The betrayal is brutal and fires off sparks of rage that build to an inferno in my chest.

“You have not been trying to help me,” I shout. “If anything, you’ve taken great pleasure in torturing me, and I’m done. I’m done!” I wrench the door open, ignoring the gasps from the line of pajama-clad girls watching me.

“Oh, you are done, Mikayla Hyde. We are through, do you understand me? Don’t expect any more kind gestures on my part. If you walk out that door—if you choose him over us—you are burning all your bridges.”

I pause, yet again wondering if this clueless bitch can hear herself.

Kind gestures? When has she ever given me one of those?

“You know what, Aimee?” I turn to face her. “Go fuck yourself.”

A chorus of gasps echoes around me as I give my future stepsister a pointed look, then raise my middle finger and walk out the door.