The Forbidden Freshman: A College Sports Romance (Nolan U Hockey Book 1)

I slipped into the house twenty minutes ago and thankfully got to my room without detection. I mean, a couple girls saw me flit from the front door and down the corridor, but I’m grateful it wasn’t Aimee or Fiona… or Teah.

She’s the nicest girl in this house, and if she gave me one of her sympathetic looks, I might just start crying. I hate crying.

I did so much of it when my dad first left. I couldn’t seem to stop. It’s like I used up a lifetime’s worth in those weeks after he walked out, and now there’s no more. Well, there’s plenty more, but I just never like them appearing.

I’d rather take burning eyeballs and this torturous tingling in my nose than give in to the tears sliding down my cheeks.

I won’t let some guy weaken me this way.

My phone buzzes with a text, and I don’t bother checking the screen. It’s no doubt another attempt from Ethan. He’s called three freaking times, and I don’t want to hear what he has to say.

Can’t he just leave me alone and let me wallow in my own private shame?

I’m not girlfriend material. I know this about myself, and I’m furious that I let him get under my skin.

The only reason I did was because of this stupid initiation.

I throw my anger back at Aimee and this whole stupid sorority. I funnel my black energy into hating my mother and Jarrod for a second.

Who forces their child to join a sorority? It’s ridiculous! Insane! Stupid! Dumb!

Flopping back onto my pillow with a little scream, I thump the mattress and nearly grab my phone to call Rachel.

But she’s probably busy with her boyfriend right now. The girl who got zero action in high school is moving in with a guy. And yeah, it’s not like I got much action in high school either, but at least I was brave enough to go after some.

Rachel was too scared to even approach guys at school.

And now she’s moving in with the love of her life because she knows.

My chin starts to tremble, needles poking my eyeballs as I fight another wave of tears.

I know too.

But I can’t know, because Ethan doesn’t want me, and I’m not supposed to want him. I’m supposed to be breaking his heart, and instead he’s breaking mine.

And oh shit! How am I supposed to break his heart now?

He doesn’t want me.

Which means he doesn’t love me.

Which means I can’t break his heart, and I’m gonna fail and Aimee will kick me out of the house. I’ll be homeless, penniless, and have no way of getting the education I need to fulfill my dream of becoming a sports agent.

Yes, I’m spiraling, but what the fuck else am I supposed to do?

Thumping the mattress again, I fist the cover and give in to the tears, closing my eyes and letting them trickle down my cheeks.

Why did Dad leave us?

Why’d he turn his back on me?

The man I knew when I was a kid would never force me into this situation. He was the only one who understood me. He never tried to turn me into something I wasn’t. I would have sworn black and blue that he loved me just the way I was.

But he didn’t.

He walked out that door, and I never heard from him again. Mom told us he’d moved on with another family and we were part of his past now.

“He doesn’t want us. He doesn’t want to see you girls. It’s over,” Mom had said.

Because we’re not worth fighting for. I’m not worth fighting for.

And I just really need to accept that and stop trying so fucking hard all the time.

There’s nothing wrong with being a lone wolf.

Rolling onto my side, I curl into a ball and let the tears silently fall onto my pillow.

Nothing wrong with it at all.