SWNOVELS Chapter 37
An overwhelming sadness hits me in my stomach, and I can’t stop the moisture piercing my eyes. Here is a girl completely in love with a man who is completely in love with her, and yet neither can get it together and be happy. Daniel is what Leila needs. Safe, dull, and kind will only last so long. She needs someone as hot and fiery as her to match her every mood and handle her at her worst. She needs someone who will stand up to her bullshit and sweep her off her feet, someone who keeps life fun, interesting, and just as impulsively wild as her. She needs a man who can embrace her wild side and not want to tame it, someone who won’t let that pushy side of Leila dominate him and knows exactly how to handle her. She needs Hunter. Yet she’s too damn scared to let him hurt her again.
I get that lump in my throat and think of Jake. I’ll go
out of my way to do anything to make sure we never go
back there.
I’ll never let us drift apart again.
It’s the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever witnessed.
“Enough about that asshole … Have you heard anything more about that god-awful psycho slut?” Leila blinks at me, and I know immediately that she means Marissa. The images that brassy whore conjures up in my head from the dining room experience make me bristle in hate.
“Surprisingly not. She’s been lying low and hiding out since that little scene. Jake keeps expecting some backlash, like a refusal to let him see the kid after it’s born or something equally vindictive. He says silence is never good with her, and I get the sense he’s on tenterhooks about it.” I try for nonchalant and just sound snooty. Leila grins at me, seeing through my attempts at being mature and disconnected.
“Yeah, she’s always been a devious whore with a calculated mind … Watch that one, Emma. She’s got absolutely no scruples; money, looks, and entitlement have made for a very deathly spoiled bitch. Barbie with a shotgun and a hunger for blood.”
I laugh at Leila’s description and sigh, lounging back to pick up the last grapes we retrieved from the bed. That pang of pain at the mere mention of her. Even though I forgave him, I still ponder it all, and it can still hurt me when I let it.
“Still no sex?” Leila butts into my gloomy demeanor. I sigh extra loudly, shaking my head and rolling my eyes in frustration, flopping back against the cushions on the bed beside her feet.
“Jake literally can’t muster up the ability to do it. Anytime we get close, he has images of impaling a baby’s head or other such nonsense about guilt or making me miscarry. You know what he’s like about being forthcoming with his insecurities … pretends that he’s got none. He’s completely freaking out about it, and no amount of reassurance from the doctor has changed that. He’s treating me like fine china, and if I so much as dare to move an inch, he’s all over me asking me what I need, if I want to lay down, or if I should even be moving around. He’s suffocating me with over-protectiveness, and to be frank, I feel like strangling him to death.” I let it out in a gush, then grin at the hilarity of it all; it appears playboy Casanova Carrero has done a massive U-turn.
Leila bursts into hysterical laughter and falls sideways on the bed, unable to control herself.
“Oh, my God.” She wheezes, trying to gain control. “Who knew hot stud Carrero would go celibate and turn into such a fish wife?” She bursts into another fit of giggles, and I hit her with a cushion.
“It’s not funny! Sex happens to be one of his most defining qualities.” I laugh and throw another cushion when tears start pouring down her face. Uncontrollable laughter bubbles forth from that petite little blonde.
“It’s kinda cute, though.” She chokes, trying to get the laughter under control, hugging her ribs. “I mean, he loves his baby so much already that it’s messing with his head as much as you do, Emma.” She wipes her eyes and throws one of the cushions back at me. I can’t help but enjoy the feeling of warmth it gives me and try to ignore the niggle of guilt I get when I think of Marissa’s baby.
“But what do I do about it? He says it’s partly to do with forgiving himself. But my hormones are crazy bad! I’m thinking of slipping Viagra in his coffee and raping him in his sleep!” I huff and flop back dejectedly. The inner frustration from aching for sex lately has brought back touchy and grouchy Emma. I need more than cuddles and caresses. Jake has shown me a whole world of kinky sexual fulfillment, and I need that back too.”
“You wouldn’t need to. Jake has that sleep thing … Ummm sexo … something.” Leila points out distractedly while thumbing through the magazine still on the bed.
“Sexsomnia!” I sit upright, remembering our conversation in Chicago a while ago. He initiates sex while sleeping if he’s overly stressed.
“Yeah, get him stressed to the max, then make the moves on him in the middle of the night, and he’ll do the rest. If he does it once, he’ll see there’s no danger.” Leila laughs, but I sigh and shake my head at her.
“I couldn’t do that. It’s too sordid and seems like I’d be taking advantage of him. He wouldn’t be happy about it, and I couldn’t do it. It would be wrong on so many levels.” I can just imagine the amount of pissed off I would get from Jake if he thought he’d done the deed while not being aware of it. The anger at being unable to protect me from himself and me for deliberately pushing him to do it. I know only too well how that head works.
“So? You just need to pull out all the stops and seduce him. Push out those crazy fears and doubts by whirling him into a lust-fueled frenzy he has no control over. You seemed to be more than capable of that before all this.” Leila winks across at me with a smirk. I think about what she’s saying for a long moment and smile.
“You’re completely right. I’ve got so used to Jake running after me, pandering to my every need, and still basically kissing ass to make up for things that I haven’t once thought about turning on the sex myself.”
I have spent weeks being heartbroken and moody at having a version of Jake I’m not used to, pampering my every mood, and I haven’t even thought about unleashing my own powers of persuasion. The Emma from our games and Emma from the night in this very house dressed in sexy lingerie and tight dresses that drove him wild. Emma who knew how to push Jake’s buttons. I need to up the game and remind him how much he wanted me.
Where is that, Emma?
She has been mourning and sulking, hiding for fear of letting him back in, and now she has no reason not to. She wants him back in, needs him, and she sure as hell will show him that’s what he needs too. I’ll be damned if I spend the entirety of this pregnancy as a sex-starved, hormonal, crazy bitch with serious sexual frustration. I am sure as hell going to get Jake back to how he was when I had no baby bump on show and could make the most of sexy lingerie and kinky fun. He doesn’t know what is about to hit him. I will seduce Jake Carrero and sweep him off his feet this time! I need that man back, the one who drove me crazy with lust and wasn’t afraid to have sex in many compromising positions in various locations. He made me feel desired and sexy.
“You know you’ve ruined one of New York’s most eligible bachelors now?” Leila eyes me up with a mischievous smile.
“How so?” I smile at her, furrowing my brow.
“Workaholic, jet-setting man-whore, a serious commitment-phobe with an adrenaline junkie lifestyle. Now he’s a doting fiancée with a baby on the way, buying houses, avoiding work and dangerous hobbies like the plague. You know, even if you left him now, Emma, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. His old life has no appeal anymore. It wouldn’t satisfy him the way it once did. Irreversible damage, little one. I’m so proud of you.” She grins and squeezes the ankle of my outstretched foot affectionately, and I can only smile back at Leila’s always refreshing view from the outside.
“I guess you’re right.” I ponder her words and gaze at my lap.
Is that what happened to me too? Is this why going back to the Carrero Corporation no longer holds appeal or any sort of tug?
That girl was so focused on her job as an assistant because it was what she needed. Focus, control, and details to oversee, a distraction from her own life and pain. She liked to immerse herself in someone else’s realities and needs. It helped her push down any emotion needed to connect to a life. She had no life.
Now I’m struggling to go back because it no longer satisfies me or appeals in any way because Jake changed me too. Irreversible damage! And if he left me now, I could never return to who I was either. The girl I was no longer resembles the woman I have become. That life is so far in my past that it’s no longer connected to me. I need a new tomorrow, a new purpose, and a focus in life. I need a new job.