The Bonus

She swallows a lump in her throat, and instead of hitting a return serve like I’m expecting, she storms off toward the parking lot.

I watch her disappear and feel regret in the pit of my stomach. I begin to perspire and the school bell goes. The kids come out of the classroom as I stand patiently to the side.

“Dad,” Lucia yells excitedly. She runs and practically jumps into my arms.

Dominic sees me and breaks into a broad smile. He rushes over, and I can tell that he wants to hug me, but he hesitates. Instead, he looks me up and down. “Why are you wearing that?”

“What?” I glance down at myself. “My suit?”

He nods.

“You don’t like it?”

He shrugs, not wanting to answer.

This is a twenty-two-thousand-dollar suit, have you got taste in your ass, kid…what the hell’s wrong with it? “Let’s walk out to the car.” I direct them toward the gate.

“Are we coming to your house today?” Lucia asks.

“Tomorrow is our sleepover.” I glance up and can see Grace sitting in her car. “Let’s go and see Mom.”

Lucia holds my hand, and we walk through the parking lot to Grace’s car. “Mom, Dad’s here,” Lucia tells her excitedly.

I lean down to look into the car, and she’s wearing sunglasses and staring straight ahead.

“Are you coming over to our house?” Dominic asks me.

“No, I have to work for a few more hours. Tomorrow is our sleepover.” I lean down to talk to Grace through the window. “That’s still okay, isn’t it, Grace?”

She nods but doesn’t reply. Has she been crying?

“So we won’t see you tonight?” Lucia says, disappointed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, guys, keep Mom company tonight.” I open the car door and the kids climb in. “Bye.” I wave.

Grace drives off without even looking at me. I march over and get into the passenger seat of my car. Mark is behind the wheel.

“Did you see her?” he asks.

“Yep.” I pull my seat belt on, disgusted with myself. “I told her I was going to fuck all the women in town…up the ass.”

“Nice…” Mark purses his lips. “How did that go down?”

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Not great.”

Grace

I lie on the couch like a zombie, the carbohydrate coma is in full swing, and I have no fucks to give about anything anymore.

Every nightmare of mine has come true.

He’s done it, done exactly what I thought he was going to do.

Weaseled his way into the kids’ lives and is now going to make living here in my little sleepy town a literal hell by sleeping with every female on heat.

I’m so done with him that I can’t even be upset, at this point I’m just numb.

The kids are playing video games and lying all over the floor. We had pizza for dinner. Well, I had pizza and pasta, but who’s counting calories on a day like today.

Deb’s name lights up the screen of my phone. “Hi,” I answer.

“Just checking in on you.”

“I’m fine.” I sigh, not a drill, I really am fine. I’ve cried all the tears I have over this man; I will never shed another one.

Fuck him.

“While the kids are having their sleepover, do you want to go out tomorrow night?”

“Where to?”

“We could go to that new cocktail place and, you know, have a bender.”

“I do need a bender.”

“Okay, it’s on.”

“Benderville tomorrow night.” I smile.

“I’ll pick you up at seven, dinner first. Wear heels, we’re dressing up.”

“I love you.” I smile gratefully. “What would I do without you, Deb?”

“Hmm…probably live in a much more exotic place than you do.”

“Facts.” I smile.

I hang up feeling better. A night with my bestie is just what the doctor ordered.

I sit and stare at the field. I haven’t watched a second of the game, but damn it, I will not take my eyes off it.

I don’t know what the hell this fool is playing at, but he’s really winding me up.

It’s one thing to piss me off so badly that I imagine his grisly death, but to come and sit on the other side of Lucia, who is next to me for the entire game today…is unforgiveable.

He has his arm over the back of her chair and every now and then it grazes my arm.

Each time, I pull away as if I’ve been burned. They’re chatting and laughing and I’m listening to him schmooze her in.

No wonder the kids are in awe of him, he’s going all out to impress them.

“Would you like a hot dog?” he asks Lucia.

“Yes, please.”

“And a drink?”

“Coke please.”

“Are you allowed to have soda?”

“Yes.”

His eyes flick over to me for confirmation, and I stare at the field as I continue to ignore him.

“Mom, I can have Coke on special occasions, can’t I?” Lucia asks.

“Yes,” I reply without looking at them.

“Would you like a hot dog, Grace?” he asks.

“No, thanks.”

“What would you like?” he asks.

I would like to scratch your eyes out.

“Nothing from you.” I clench my jaw, damn it, I hate having to be civil in front of Lucia. I want to scream and kick and tantrum, burn him at the stake and throw him to the wolves.

“Ha, Mom’s grumpy today, isn’t she, Lucia?”

Lucia laughs on cue. “Sure is.”

I wonder why.

I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from spitting venom all over him.

He wanders down the stairs of the grandstand and without turning my head, I watch him beneath my sunglasses.

Fuckface, thinks he’s so irresistible to all female kind.

I hate that he is.

And how dare he be so good-looking, why isn’t he getting uglier with age like the rest of humanity?

He stands in line at the snack bar, and sure enough, Felicity Fox goes to stand in the line behind him; she’s been waiting for this opening all day, no doubt.

She begins to chat and he talks back but keeps facing forward, every now and then I see him glance up to see if I’m watching.

I turn my head away from them in an exaggerated way. I’m still spying, of course…tearing my retinas with all the side eye, I’m sure.

Ten minutes later, he returns with a box of food. He passes Lucia her hot dog and drink and then holds out a hot dog and drink out for me. “Here you are, Gracie.”

Gracie.

“I said I didn’t want anything.”

“Sometimes I’m forced to serve you things that you think you don’t want but obviously need. It’s for the better good of the outcome.”

He’s talking about his little outburst yesterday.

My eyes meet his, and he gives me a slow sexy smile before raising an eyebrow. He holds the hot dog up.

I can feel Lucia’s eyes watching me, so I snatch the hot dog and Coke from him.

“You didn’t say thank you.” He smirks.

“So help me,” I mutter under my breath.

“Mom,” Lucia says. “Say thank you.”

“Thank you,” I say through gritted teeth.

He gives me a broad smile and taps his hot dog against mine before taking a huge bite, totally unfazed. “Hmm, so good.”

Fucker.

Gabriel

I listen to the children chat about their day and I smile up at the ceiling in the dark.

Their first sleepover at my house.

It’s been the best night, we had a campfire and cooked on the grill. We played Uno, they showered and we had ice cream, and now it’s bedtime.

Who knew such innocent fun would be the best time of my life?

They’re in their single beds and I am on the floor of their room on couch cushions laid out in a makeshift bed. I told them that I had to stay in here so that they didn’t get scared…but really it’s for me. I just want to be closer, it’s as if now that my heart has been opened to theirs, I can’t bear to be away from them; not even the next room will do.

I’ve missed out on so much time with them that every second counts.

“What was Mom doing tonight?” I ask casually.

“She went to Benderville,” Dominic replies.

I frown. “Where’s that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Who did she go with?”

“Debbie.”

Benderville… Benderville… Oh, she’s gone on a bender with Deb.

My stomach twists. I hate the thought of her out on the town while she’s angry with me.

The kids fall silent as they drift off to sleep, but my mind has gone into overdrive.

I’ve fucked it, I’ve fucked everything about it.

I get up and sneak out of the bedroom and go downstairs and get a glass of water.

Don’t call her.

Don’t call her.

Don’t call her.

Too late. I find myself dialing her number.

Ring ring…ring ring…ring ring…

You’ve called Grace, leave me a message.

I frown, not what I wanted.

“This voice mail is full,” her phone tells me.

Beeeeep.

Shit.

Dejected, I hang up and call Mark.

“Hey,” he answers.

“Where is Grace?”

“Let me find out. I’ll call you back.”

With my behind resting on the counter, I wait in the kitchen, the room lit only by the overhead fan light. My phone rings almost immediately.

“Yes.”

“She’s in a cocktail bar called Mimosas. She’s with her friend Debbie.”

“Who’s on tonight?” I reply.

“Tommy and Pearce.”

I think for a moment. “Has she seen them before?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Send them in.”

“Do…” He hesitates. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Don’t question me. Just fucking do it. I want to know every detail of her night.”

“Okay.”

“They’re to stay out of sight…unless.”

“Unless what?”

“Unless she’s talking to another man.”

“Then what?”

“Then they move in and await my instruction.”

“Okay.”

I hang up and glare at the wall.

If she’s talking to someone else tonight, it’s fucking on.

3 a.m., I sit on the couch, my feet up on the ottoman, a scotch in my hand.

Anger in my soul.

I’m playing nice and letting her have her night out, I’m not moving in even though Grace has been approached by five men tonight.

Five.

Luckily for her, she’s waved them away…lucky for them too.

My phone vibrates in my hand. “Yes,” I snap as my heart races.

“Grace has just arrived home in a taxi; she’s safely inside.”

“Alone?”

“Yes, sir.”

I close my eyes in relief.

“Good.” I hang up and inhale sharply.

This woman’s got me crazy.

I pull into the driveway just on 4 p.m.

The kids are happily chattering on in the backseat, but my mood is somber.

I feel like I’m dropping my heart off at the bus stop and I won’t be able to pick it up again until Thursday when I come back.

The more time I spend with them, the harder it is to leave.

It’s like I have this ache in my heart for all the time I’ve lost. When I first found out about the children, the time that had passed seemed irrelevant.

They were six, it was what it was.

But now I know how much joy spending twenty-four hours with them brings me.

Six years is insurmountable.

I turn the car off and drag myself from the car, the kids slowly get out and I hear the front door open. I glance up to see Grace standing on the front veranda.

Are you tired…because I fucking am.

“See you on Friday.” I force a smile.

I bend on one knee and Lucia hugs me tight. “Goodbye, baby,” I whisper as I hold her longer than I should.

She steps back, and my eyes search Dominic’s. “Can I have a hug?”

He steps forward and gives me a rigid weird arm hug and immediately pulls out of it.

My heart sinks, and I force a smile.

“See you Friday.”

“Okay.” He puts his backpack on and turns to go inside. I glance up and Grace has gone.

She didn’t even say goodbye.

I wait for them to walk inside with my heart in my throat.

Don’t go.

I open my emails and exhale heavily. The days go slow in New York, the nights go slower.

I’ve got a sore heart and a thumping dick.

The highlight of my day is at 8 p.m. when I call the kids to say good night.

Alessio pops his head around the corner. “We getting lunch?”

“Yeah.” I close down my computer. “I need to grab a few things while we’re out.”

“Like what?”

“Clothes.”

“You never shop in stores.” He frowns. “Where’s your stylist?”

“Long story.” I roll my eyes. “Let’s go.”

Half an hour later, we walk through the department store in the men’s section.

Alessio looks around at the clothes. “Why are we here?”

“I need to buy some new clothes.”

“From here?” He winces. “Why?”

“I need to get some clothes that are less designer and more…” I twist my lips as I try to think of the right word. “Lumberjack.”

“What?” He screws up his face in disgust.

“Dominic doesn’t like my designer suits.”

His eyes flick up in surprise. “Are you sure he’s a Ferrara?”

“Don’t you remember what it was like being six, you just want your dad to fit in and be like all the other dads.”

“You have never fitted in,” he mutters dryly. “Trust me, you don’t fit in with the lumberjacks either.”

I chuckle as I hold up a checked shirt and eye it suspiciously.

“That’s fucking hideous, man.”

“True.” I put it back on the hanger and keep looking.

“So what is this town actually like?” he asks as we keep looking.

“It’s…” I shrug. “I hate to say it, but it’s kind of growing on me.”

“Why?”

“Grace and the kids are there.” I pull off another checked shirt and hold it out to look at it.

“Can I come this weekend to meet them?”

“No, not yet.”

“You say that every week.” He takes it off me and puts it back. “What’s happening with Grace, anyway?”

“She hates me.”

His eyes flick to meet mine. “I thought you were all in love.”

“It’s one-sided.”

“Your side?” He frowns.

“Yep.” I hold out another shirt. “Maybe I should get a belt with a big fuck-off cowboy buckle?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.” He holds up a T-shirt, screws up his face and puts it back. “How’s Ariana?”

“I called her yesterday to check on her.”

“And?”

“And…I’m officially the worst human in the world. While I’m breaking her heart, someone else is breaking mine.”

“Karma.” He nods all knowingly.

I fake a smile and drop it immediately.

“So what do they wear in this town?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Average dad stuff.”

“Do you mean to tell me we’re shopping to try and make you look like an average dad?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “Exactly.”

“Why would you want to do that?”

“All my kid’s life he’s been different because he didn’t have a dad.” I pick up a shirt and throw it over my arm. “I just want him to feel normal. With a normal dad who does normal things.”

“Except…you’re not normal, you will never be normal. You’re one of the wealthiest men in the world.”

“Yeah, well…” I pick up another shirt. “That means jack shit to him.” I throw another shirt over my arm. “You want to come over to my place for dinner tonight?”

“Yeah, okay.” He takes a shirt off me and puts it back. “This one is better.” He passes me another shirt from the rack.

“So what’s the plan, long term I mean?” he asks.

I think for a moment. “Convince Grace to love me.”

7 p.m.

“Chop the onions into thin slices.” I watch the woman intently and follow her directions. I carefully chop the onions.

“Now what?” I ask.

“You know you’re speaking to an iPad, right?” Mark says from his stool at the kitchen counter.

“Shut up.”

“Pour the olive oil into the pan and sauté the onions until they become fragrant.”

“How the hell does an onion turn into fragrance?” I frown. “What the fuck is the fragrance, onion juice?”

Mark rolls his eyes and sips his beer. My door buzzes.

“Go let Alessio in, will you?”

Mark disappears to answer the door.

“While the onions are cooking, get the breadcrumbs ready.” I watch what she does intently, how does she do so many things at the same time? Alessio arrives in the kitchen and frowns when he sees me in my apron. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Cooking.”

“Why, where is your chef?”

“Night off. I’m learning to cook from YouTube,” I reply.

“This is going too far now.” Alessio rolls his eyes. “Who are you and what have you done with my brother?”

“I want to cook for my children.”

“So ask Mom to teach you.”

“I’m not talking to Mom.”

Alessio drags his hand down his face. “I’ll stay…but only if you call Mom tomorrow.”

“Get out, then.”

“Marinate the meat in a closed container,” she instructs.

Alessio opens a beer and the boys start chatting while I go to grab a container. I look in one drawer, then another, then another. I can find the bottom…hmm.

The onions sizzle. “They’re burning,” Alessio calls.

“Shit.” I grab the pan with my bare hand. “Ahhh, its hot!” I flick it away and it nearly all tips out.

“You are so bad at this.”

“Shut up.”

I keep searching. “I know why it’s called Tupperware,” I snap. “It’s Tupper, where is the lid.”

“So am I going home, or are you calling Mom tomorrow?”

“I’m not apologizing to her, she was in the wrong.” The onions are smoking. “Stop distracting me, shit’s burning over here.”

“You just have to call her.”

“I don’t care if you don’t stay. Fuck off home, then.”

“And I don’t care for food poisoning. Deal or no deal?”

“No deal,” I snap. “Leave my mother to me and stay out of my business.”

Alessio sips his beer. “If this tastes like shit, we’re going out to eat.”

I peer into the pan at the burned onions. “High possibility.”

Grace

I take one last look in the mirror; my hair is out and curled, and I’m wearing a pretty cream dress. Brown high-heeled sandals and matching bag.

It’s the school dance tonight and I’ve made an effort and dressed up to try to make myself feel better.

I don’t know why I’m so flat at the moment, it’s like every time Gabriel calls the children to speak to them on their phones, I die a little inside. Maybe I’m just a selfish cow who liked having the children all to myself.

Not maybe, probably… I’m kind of disgusted with myself, if I’m honest.

Ugh…stop thinking about him.

Who cares what he does?

Not me.

“You guys ready?” I call.

“I look so pretty, I can’t stand it,” Lucia calls.

I giggle, this girl’s got spunk, I’ll give it to her.

“Do I have to wear this dumb button-up shirt?” Dom calls from his room.

“Yes. It looks amazing.”

“I hate these pants,” he calls.

“You’re wearing them,” Lucia and I call back in unison.

“Come on, let’s go.”

The lightning crashes, the rain comes down as we pull into the school parking lot.

“Lucky we brought our umbrellas, Mom,” Lucia says from the backseat.

“I know, I’m going to drop you guys off close to the door and then go and park the car, no use all of us running in the rain and risking getting wet.”

I pull up under the awning that leads to the stairs, and the kids pile out. “See you in five minutes.”

“Okay.”

I drive over and around the corner and park the car, the rain really hammering down now. “Fuck’s sake.” I grab the umbrella and rush to get out of the weather. People are running and scrambling everywhere, why does it have to rain on tonight of all nights? I make my way up the stairs to get to the school hall and see the kids waiting by the door. The indoor basketball court has been transformed into a full winter wonderland.

Hand-painted trees in beautiful reds and golds hang from the ceiling, and fairy lights twinkle in the sky.

“Whoa.” The kids’ eyes light up when they see it. “This is so awesome.”

My heart soars as I look around. It’s so fun watching them experience everything for the first time, this is their first school disco.

“Shall we sit over here?” I point to the grandstand, and we make our way over and sit on the bottom row of seats. The music starts and the kids all begin to run to the dance floor. “Oh my god.” Lucia’s eyes are about to pop out of her head.

“Mom,” Dominic screams. “Look, Dad’s here.”

Huh?

I glance over to see Gabriel walking through the crowd to us, he’s wearing blue jeans and a navy checked shirt. He looks different tonight, casual and warm.

How did he even know about tonight…oh, the school newsletter.

His dark hair has a bit of length and a wave to it, and his big brown eyes come to meet mine, it’s like he’s walking toward me in slow motion and I feel his presence in the pit of my stomach. Tall, dark and overpowering.

I swallow the lump in my throat as the kids run to meet him.

Felicity Fox may be onto something here… The dilfiest DILF that ever did DILF.

He scoops Lucia up into his arms and picks her up. “What are you doing here?” Lucia laughs.

“Couldn’t miss your first school dance.” He laughs, he turns to Dominic and smiles down at him. “Hello, Son.” He puts his hand on his shoulder and Dom smiles up at him.

Son.

Something about him calling him that makes me feel emotional.

Gabriel’s eyes come to meet mine. “Gracie.”

“Hi.”

“You look beautiful.” He smiles softly.

My stomach flutters.

You hate him…remember.

“Thanks.”

He sits down beside me. Lucia dives onto his lap and Dominic sits beside him. “I missed you this week,” his deep voice tells them.

“You did?” Lucia beams.

Dominic bites his bottom lip to hide his smile.

I smile too because, no matter how much of a dick Gabriel Ferrara is, he’s turning into a pretty great dad.

His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, and my eyes linger on his strong forearms. His veins are ropelike, and as he moves his hand, every muscle contracts.

It’s like a hot wire to my hormones…cut it out.

Another song starts, and the kids’ friends run over to get them. “Can we go?” Lucia asks.

“Yes. Go have fun.” They run off, and Gabriel and I are left alone.

We watch them dance and twirl and laugh. Gabriel is in awe and doesn’t take his eyes off them.

While all I can think about is the visceral reaction my body is having to his.

It’s like there’s this invisible electrical current running between us.

“How was your week?” he asks.

“It was okay.”

His eyes search mine. “Apologies for…” he shrugs, “…being…”

“Yourself.” I finish his sentence.

“I was going to say asshole, but yourself is the same thing, I guess.”

I nod, unsure how to reply.

“When you told me you didn’t want me…” he hesitates, “…I don’t know what came over me…it…it made me nasty.”

I don’t want to get into a forgiveness conversation, I want to stay mad at him.

Mad is safe, mad keeps him away…so I choose to stay silent instead.

We sit for a while and watch the kids; it seems so weird having him sitting here beside me…watching his kids too.

Another couple sit beside him and he begins to chat with the dad, and I look over and the drink table needs help. “I’m going to go and help them,” I whisper, trying not to interrupt his conversation.

“Sure, babe.” His eyes flick to meet mine. He seems as surprised as I am by his comment and some kind of moment passes between us.

It feels…I don’t even know.

Fuck.

I rush to the drink table and begin pouring drinks, it’s busy and hectic but it gives me an excuse not to sit beside him.

I’m going to stay here all night.

The night is coming to an end, and the DJ comes onto the microphone. “Can I have all the parents on the dance floor, please. If you don’t have a partner here, grab somebody.”

I stay standing by the drink table. Someone may be thirsty, after all.

Parents begin to pile onto the dance floor and I watch on with my arms folded.

“Gracie,” his deep voice purrs from behind me. “This is us. We’re dancing.”

“I’m good.” I fake a smile. “Really.” He takes my hand and drags me onto the dance floor.

Willie Nelson’s “You Were Always on My Mind” begins to play.

Not this song…anything but this song.

Gabriel pulls me into his arms and holds me tight.

He stares down at me as we begin to sway to the music.

I awkwardly look anywhere but at him.

He smiles softly. “It’s fitting.”

“What is?”

“That this song is playing.” He pulls me closer and an electrical current runs between us. “It’s about us.”

“Stop it.”

“You were always on my mind, Grace,” he whispers. “Never once were you far from my thoughts.”

We stare at each other, an ocean of regret swimming between us.

“I need you to forgive me.”

I stare up at him as we sway to the music.

“Tell me how to fix this?” he says softly. “Tell me and I’ll do it.”

“I wish I knew…”

His lips drop to my temple as he holds me tight, we sway to the music, both lost to our own thoughts.

You were always on my mind.

Oh, this song…so sad and so relevant.

My favorite singer singing one of my favorite songs and I’m dancing with someone I previously thought was the love of my life.

But that was before he broke me. Before I turned cold and heartless.

This is too much. I hate who he turned me into. Tears well in my eyes and as the song ends, I need to get away from him. “I’m going to go and freshen up.”

“Grace.”

I march out of the hall and out into the cold air, the rain has stopped now.

“Grace,” I hear him call from behind me.

“Just leave it, Gabe.” I want to get away, I don’t trust myself to be with him right now. I go to go down to the quad, and as I tread onto the first step, my footing slips from underneath me.

I fall and hear the crack of my head hitting the concrete stairs on the way down. I roll and roll and tumble and fall down the entire flight of stairs.

Pain, blood…darkness…nothing.