Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

“She wert trying to disqualifyeth me as a priest’s wife,” said Dwendra. “Why? Thou hath a priest dost thou not?”

“Let’s take this one thing at a time shall we?” said Dad.

“Let’s start with that being in two places at once!” said Mum, pointing to Dwendra.

“How can anybody be in two places at once?” asked Attan.

“I’d like to know why Miandri acts like she’s my girlfriend, dumps me for a man Dad’s age and then tries to get Dwendra raped?” I asked.

“Quiet!” shouted Dad, he wrote something on some paper. “What’s at the heart of this? Let’s go in chronological order shall we? Why is Miandri here?”

“I have trouble at home,” said Miandri.

“Like what?” asked Dad

“I don’t know," said Miandri, clearly lying. "Trouble trouble.”

“We know there’s a conspiracy to stop Clindar from having sex,” said Dad. “You just seem to be aggravating things. Did you make him think you were his girlfriend?”

“I told Clindar not to do anything to her,” said Mum.

“Answer the question, Miandri!” said Dad.

“He rather came onto me, I think, that’s about where my memories start getting fuzzy. I know I was totally going to have sex with him but I had sex with somebody else and can’t remember why. It’s like so surreal because you’re like totally supposed to remember your first time but I can’t.”

She was lying about that.

“You honestly intended to have sex with me?” I asked.

“Sure.”

She was telling the truth about that.

“I think it’s a bit unrealistic to expect my first sexual experience to be with a virgin,” I said. “So perhaps we could ...”

“She tried to hath me raped!” said Dwendra.

“He’s desperate!” said Attan.

“I think your first time should really be with another virgin,” said Mum.

“Like Miandri’s was!” I said.

“I totally don’t remember!” said Miandri. “But I do think your mother totally has a point. It should be special for both of you. Unfortunately Dwendra was totally raped by that naked man in the Old Magic.”

“I wast not!” said Dwenda. “He didst try to rapeth me but he didst faileth!”

“No!” said Mum to Dwendra. “You’re totally unsuitable!”

“Why?” I asked.

“You know why!” said Mum.

“I know a reason but I’d like to hear yours,” I said.

“She’s an obvious genetic engineering lab!” said Mum. “Would you really be happy with a fanatical Yohoist, it’s not even a proper religion anymore!”

I could tell she was lying.

“Anden,” said Dad. “Tell us the truth!”

“Wouldst thou rather he fornicateth with Miandri?” asked Dwendra.

“No!” shrieked Mum. “Do you want your firstborn son to just go round having sex with any bit of trash? I just want him to be happy!”

“But I’m miserable!" I said. "Can’t you see that? My own mother is conspiring with Benai Nibeyim to make me miserable!”

Dwendra put her arm around me and asked, “What art the rules? As a Trulist he shouldst not fornicateth a psychic but Miandri art a katcheyah and, for thou, wert acceptable when she wert a virgin. I art an anavah and a virgin so why art I not acceptable unto thou? Thou art violating Trulist laws so what laws dost thou followeth?”

“Perhaps she thinks thou art a loony,” said Attan. "Clindar isn't a fornicating anav!"

“And Miandri art sane?” asked Dwendra sarcastically.

“Anden, answer Dwendra’s question!” said Dad, sternly.

“I didn’t understand her question,” said Mum lying.

“What criteria do you have for a girl being acceptable as a sexual partner for Clindar?” asked Dad.

“Just a nice girl,” said Mum, still lying.

“That’s not true,” said Dad.

“Did everybody suddenly develop psychic powers?” asked Attan.

“Anden! Who would you not try to stop Clindar from having sex with?” asked Dad.

Mum stared at him for a second, “There are some.”

“Name them!” said Dad.

“I don’t know their names.”

“Thou art Benai Nibeyim and art forcing Clindar to liveth by their rules, art thou?” asked Dwendra.

“Isn’t it more important that you killed five boys?” asked Mum.

“You’re responsible for me not being able to have sex?” I asked.

“No!” said Mum.

This wasn’t exactly a lie.

“Anden!” said Dad. “I think the crux of the question is that Clindar and Dwendra believe Benai Nibeyim are very fussy about who Clindar can have sex with and you’re helping them. Is that ..?”

“Of course not!” said Mum clearly lying. “You want Clindar to be happy don’t you?”

“So you don’t actually know any girls who live up to your standards?” I asked.

“These art not Trulist laws,” said Dwendra, “they art not Yohoist laws! Who’s laws art they?”

“I don’t know the laws!” said Mum, lying. “I don’t know what laws you’re talking about! I just think it’s important she’s a virgin.”

“I art a virgin!” said Dwendra.

It suddenly struck me Dwendra seemed to be arguing she should have sex with me.

“I wouldst not be a virgin if Miandri had succeeded in getting me raped!”

“What are the laws?” asked Dad.

“I said I didn’t know them!” said Mum.

“Being a psychic?” asked Dwendra.

“Of course not!” said Mum, very clearly lying.

“Bred by Benai Nibeyim?” asked Dwendra.

“Don’t be ridiculous!” said Mum. This didn’t seem to be a complete lie.

“I wert bred by Benai Nibeyim!” said Dwendra. “I art an anavah so why dost it matter? All my children by an anav wilt be anavim. Miandri only hath an equal chance of each child being an anav or anavah, the rest wilt be katcheyim. No! I art qualified! Miandri didst try to disqualifyeth me by having me raped! Hast other girls been raped to disqualifyeth them?”

I’ve never seen Mum look so horrified. Then it struck me!

“Why can I only have sex with a psychic virgin!” I wasn’t sure if I was asking Mum or Dwendra.

“Thou art not even obeying your rules," said Dwendra, "thou art excluding girls who shouldst be qualified!”

“I don’t understand,” said Mum, nearly in tears. “I just follow orders!”

“Who’s orders?” I asked.

“You can’t fight Benai Nibeyim!” said Mum.

“Why should Benai Nibeyim want me to only have sex with a psychic virgin?” I asked. “Why do they have psychic virgins raped so they’re no longer qualified to have sex with me? Did Narblo seduce Miandri so she wouldn’t be qualified but before that you wanted me to have sex with her. Do you have multiple personalities?”

“It art an organization,” said Dwendra, “not one person.”

“Some of them will let me have sex with, probably any virgin psychic," I said, "but you’re having the ones you don’t like, which is all of them, raped or seduced so they’re no longer qualified according to the other lot. Some of you would let me have sex with Dwendra so Miandri tried to have her raped! All we have to do is let one faction know what the other’s doing! But we need to know how to contact the faction that wouldn’t like girls being raped to disqualify them.”

“I can’t do that,” sobbed Mum.

“I was like so hoping I wouldn’t have to do this,” said Miandri.

Her glass ball smashed and pink gas started spreading through the room. I only caught a glimpse of it before I felt fireworks in my head.

A hider is a peace is the popular and very complicated board game Fetmish. It’s hidden inside another peace and revealed when it can attack an opponent’s peace.