Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

“Family meeting!” said Dad, ushering us into the living room as soon as we got in the house. “That includes Miandri and Dwendra!”

“You killed them,” said Mum, who looked more of a mess than she had that morning and was sitting on a sofa, pointing accusingly at Dwendra.

“You said you’d fix this!” said Attan to Mum. He was sitting in an armchair watching the internet.

“I’m working on it!” said Mum, standing up. “I should start ...”

“No,” said Dad, “you can cook after we’ve discussed things!”

“So Dwendra’s the only problem?” I asked Attan sarcastically.

Dad closed the living room door. Mum had probably just got home (Dad had taken the day off work for the court and there was now a school holiday). Dwendra was giving Miandri hateful looks.

We all found places to sit, except Miandri who arranged some cushions to lie on the floor. Dad sat next to Mum on the couch, I sat next to Dwendra on the window seat and Attan stayed in his armchair.

“Now,” said Dad, grasping his hands in front of him, “in the last few days, Miandri, Narblo and myself have had a date rape spell put on us, some mysterious damage was done to the floor of Miandri’s room, Clindar has gone missing for a couple of days, Narblo has disappeared, Mum has freaked out and five boys from the school Clindar and Miandri attend have been mysteriously killed, apparently in about the time and place where Miandri was claiming Dwendra was being raped. Am I missing anything?”

“You may think you’re smart but you can’t win,” said Mum huddled in a ball with her knees up in front of her. “They’ll just do something else!”

“Would you like to elaborate on that?” asked Dad. “No wait until we get to whatever that relates to.”

“Clindar beat me up,” said Attan.

“You were fornicating up my chances with Miandri,” I said.

“That moved in!” said Mum, pointing an accusing finger at Dwendra.

“Dwendra was totally in two places at the same time,” said Miandri.

“Yoldasia said I’d never be able to get a job or achieve anything,” I said.

I felt Dwendra shift and I looked at her. She gave me a very shocked look.

“And we also have on-going issues with Clindar’s school problems and I think Egrindreth has something to do with it,” said Dad.

Just then the buzzer sounded and there was a loud thumping on the front door.

“Clindar,” said Dad, “you’re nearest, see who that is and try to get rid of them.”

I opened the door and a furious looking Kiard shouted, “Streculic’s semen!” and swung a punch at me.

Of course Dad’s protection spell caused him to bounce back screaming and holding his hand.

“You fornicating murdered them!” he screamed continuing to swing punches which either missed or only hurt him and I realized he was drunk.

“Present your evidence!” I said, wondering if I should use a knockout spell, a calming spell or a date rape spell.

“I fornicating know you did it!”

“Kiard!” said Dad sternly behind me. “This is not appropriate behavior considering our legal issues or really any time.”

I temporarily paralyzed Kiard’s right arm, saying the magic word quietly and hoping Dad didn’t notice the hand gesture. Breeze had learned some unusual nervous system manipulation spells, useful against humans, even magi, but which may not work on XT’s.

“You don’t fornicating understand!” screamed Kiard, looking down at his paralyzed arm.

“Well explain!” I said, knowing he couldn’t without incriminating himself in activity that should earn him a stiff prison sentence.

“I don’t know fornicating how but the Briad’s menstrual blood fornicating killed them!”

“Assuming you mean the boys who were killed today,” said Dad, “you know where Clindar and Dwendra were all day.”

“I don’t fornicating know how the fornication the Briad’s menstrual blood did it but we have magi and we’ll fornicating find out!” Kiard shouted waving his left arm.

“When you do,” said Dad, “go through proper channels; the police or a lawyer.”

Kiard tried to throw one more punch and then staggered away. I noticed a man standing in the driveway, where it met the road.

We went back to the living room and sat down.

“As a father,” Dad said, “it’s my job to protect my family ...”

“Like you protected Egrindreth,” spat Attan who was sitting with his hands clenched between his legs.

“... but it’s difficult if people don’t tell me what sort of trouble they’re in!”

“I don’t know what sort of trouble I’m in,” I said. “I think Benai Nibeyim are trying to stop me from having sex but nobody believes that.”

“I doth,” said Dwendra.

“I hope we can discuss this like reasonable people before anything worse happens,” said Dad.

“If this is a family meeting why have we got Miandri and Dwendra here and shouldn’t we have Egrindreth?” asked Attan.

“Household meeting then!” said Dad.

“Can I point out I’ve no idea what’s going on and I’m not the one bringing weird girls home,” said Attan.

“I could use magic to ...” Miandri said.

“No!” said Dad. “I’m sure some of you know things I don’t so let’s reveal all our hiders, shall we?”

“Clindar and Dwendra murdered those boys!” shrieked Mum. “And they got Narblo into trouble.”

“Clindar and Dwendra were with me all day,” said Dad. “I don’t know what’s happened to Narblo.”

“Present your evidence Mum!” I said.

She stared at me as if I was the most terrifying thing she’d ever seen. “You know what I mean!”

“Bilocation,” said Miandri. “Totally cool but the killing was a bit harsh.”

“There’s no such thing as a bilocation spell!” said Dad.

There was a pause and Attan said, “I really don’t know anything about this but I’d like to say Dwendra really creeps me out and Mum said she was going to deal with her.”

“There was a problem!” shrieked Mum at Attan.

“Thou art presenting an objective analysis of the problem,” said Dwendra sarcastically.

“As I said,” I said, “I think Benai Nibeyim are trying to stop me from having sex but I don’t know why. I know Miandri, Yoldasia and Narblo and Mum and probably Kiard are working for them.”

“I was totally going to have sex with you!” said Miandri. “But I couldn’t.”

I was sure she was telling the truth about that. This upset me even more, to know Narblo had somehow ruined my chances with her.

“Well,” said Dad. “I had a detective check out Dwendra. She’s not wanted or listed as missing. There’s no evidence she exists. He attempted to follow her and Clindar when they left the house last night but he lost them. He followed her and Miandri today. They went to Valley Park, into the wooded area where the bodies of the five boys were later found. Miandri left a short time later and, after not doing anything for half an hour, approached people and told them Dwendra was being raped by one man. However, it seems Dwendra arrived at the court before the detective lost track of her! Perhaps you’d like to explain that Dwendra?”

“Perhaps Miandri shouldst explaineth why she took half an hour for to telleth people I wert being raped by one man!” said Dwendra.

“Totally awesome bilocation spell,” said Miandri, “but you totally killed those boys and they weren’t going to hurt you much and would have erased your memory so it wouldn’t have been too bad.”

“Tis vital I remaineth a virgin!” said Dwendra.

“That’s the MO of the serial rapist!” I said.

“She admits killing them!” said Mum.

“Am I to understand,” said Dad, “that the apparent single serial rapist was actually a conspiracy between the five boys who were killed and you, Miandri, knew about it and were able to get them to rape Dwendra, or at least try to?”

“Mind blowing!” said Attan.

“It was totally not my idea,” said Miandri.

“Dwendra being in two places at once is more fornicating important!” said Mum.

“Yoho!” I said. “Were these boys raping girls I was getting somewhere with so they went screwy and I couldn’t have sex with them?”