Tainted roots

Koa’s body tensed against mine for only a few seconds, before relaxing back into the cushions. No emotions filtered through the bond, somehow he was able to hold them back. His face was carefully blank, preventing me from getting anything from him as he held Ari’s stare. Not in the mood for any more bullshit, I clasped his cheeks and forced his head down so it was only inches from mine. “Koa, what don’t I know?"

He held my stare as I pulled my hands from his face and let them fall into my lap. The air was thick with tension as I waited him out, refusing to say another word until he told me what the hell was going on. Why would she ask that? They planned the attack to get rid of Leo and put Meric on the throne. That was all there was to it, right?

I hadn’t been expecting Ari to bring up the attack. I was under the impression she wanted to talk about my mate bond or bring up a new theory as to what I felt last night. Possibly explain why I had felt like my soul was dying and I would never feel warm again.

“In the aftermath of the attack, it was discovered something was stolen,” Koa finally answered, rubbing his jaw as he looked off to the side. “And before you ask, no, I don’t know what was taken. That wasn’t disclosed to the council."

If I hadn’t been sitting, I probably would’ve fallen over. It felt like the sofa was shifting under me as I stared at Koa, who still wasn’t looking at me. “When did you find out?”

His jaw worked as he swallowed, and finally faced me. He didn’t say anything, but I knew. I knew this was what Dove told Koa that afternoon. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you not trust me?” I demanded as I pushed myself to my feet.

Koa stood, grabbing my hands as he stepped closer, his body nearly touching mine. “You know I do, that was never the problem,” he soothed, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles.

“Then why?” My question came out in a broken whisper, revealing all the pain and rejection I felt this past month. Yanking my hands from his, I backed away, unable to look at him right now.

“Jade—”

“No, I deserve I know why instead of telling me this, you left me. Why you—” I cut off my words, feeling a burn at the back of my throat, warning me of how close I was to crying.

“Look at me,” Koa murmured. I shook my head, horrified when I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I thought I had no more tears left for him, but I was wrong.

“Jade, please look at me.” He gently grabbed my waist, spinning me around. Feeling embarrassed at crying in front of him, I dropped my head, hoping he didn’t see my tears. Using two fingers, he lifted my chin, revealing my tear-streaked face. Pain and raw anguish flowed through the bond, but even without it, I would’ve known. From the tense way he held his jaw, to the way his chest rose and fell with heavy breaths. To anyone else, they might’ve thought he was angry, but I could see the differences. Instead of a fiery heat filling his amber eyes, it was an icy burn.

His hands cupped my face as he wiped away my tears with his thumbs. “I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you,” he whispered, his voice was so soft I barely heard his words.

“But you did lose me,” I sobbed. “And worse than that, you broke me.”

A sharp and icy bolt of despair stabbed me in the chest, stealing my breath. Pain burned in his eyes as his breathing picked up. I’d seen his breathing barely change after hours of hiking in the shitty terrain of the other realm—not including the wastelands, because that shit fucked all of us up—but here he was breathing heavily. “I saw you almost die several times within a couple of days. You lost blood, more times than I can count. Fuck Jade, you almost lost your soul.”

He paused, dropping his forehead against mine as he squeezed his eyes shut, fighting against the waves of anguish. I just stood there silently hanging onto his every word. “I don’t think you understand what would happen to me if I were to lose you. I wouldn’t be able to bear it. I wanted—no, I needed you to be safe. But I knew that if I told you about the stolen item, and how Star and I were being sent here, then you’d insist on coming with me.

“Even though I knew you wanted the attack to be a one-off. That you wanted to forget all about the creatures and what we learned. You would’ve still wanted to come, despite all that, and I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t handle you being dragged into this mess more than you already were, because I was afraid something would happen to you. That this time I wouldn’t be able to get to you in time.”

He cleared his throat, his fingers flexing against my cheeks. “I didn’t want to hurt you, it nearly crushed me saying those words, but I needed you safe. More than I needed you at my side. After seeing that hallucination in the demon’s region, I knew your safety meant more to me than anything else. That you needed to be alive, even if that meant I had to keep my distance.

“I didn’t expect it to be as difficult as it was to stay away. I hadn’t expected you to be in so much pain. Pain I had caused in the hopes of keeping you safe. It nearly destroyed me knowing I hurt you. And when I felt the symptoms after feeling it a couple of times before…” He shook his head, sighing.

“I went as far as showing up at the Convergence point, ready to rip that fucker’s head off before Star was able to get me to see reason.” Koa laughed, but there wasn’t any warmth or joy.

The memory of the burning raging drifted through my mind as I absorbed his words. A flurry of emotions made their way through me, and I shut my eyes, trying to stop crying.

“So it wasn’t because you didn’t want me?” I asked, my voice shaky and thick with tears. Out of everything he just confessed, this was what my thoughts were still stuck on, needing to hear him say the actual words.

“No. There has not been one single moment since you first spoke in front of me, that I haven’t wanted you. I realized pretty early on that I no longer wanted anyone but you.” His thumbs kept wiping away my streaming tears that just wouldn’t stop. A sob found its way free, and he pulled me against his chest, wrapping one arm around my back, while the other cradled the back of my head as I sobbed into his shirt.

I let out all the pent-up emotions, I’d been shoving down this past month. Releasing all of the anger, pain, and hopelessness. Koa held me the entire time, gently rubbing my back and stroking my hair, whispering over and over how sorry he was. Eventually, my tears slowed to a stop, having soaked the front of his shirt. My cheeks felt raw as I wiped my tears from them.

“When did you know we were mates?” I asked softly, staring at his chest.

“When I shook off the haze from the lullaby and saw you unconscious.” My jaw dropped and my eyes snapped up to his, having not expected that. I thought he would’ve said when I was injured or something like that.

“So soon?”

He chuckled, shaking his head. “I think subconsciously I knew the moment you managed to land a kick on me. My dragon certainly knew at that point, but like the stubborn asshole I was, I ignored those feelings. But then I saw you in a vulnerable position, and my dragon raged at how anything could’ve happened to you and I knew there was no denying it. No hiding the need to keep you safe. To kill anyone who tried to hurt you. The need to claim you, body and soul, to make you mine in all ways.”

“You’re making it hard for me to hate you,” I whispered, staring up at him, and feeling anything but hatred for him.

“Good.” He kissed me. This one was different than all of the others. Where they had been hungry, frantic, and claiming, this one was soft and gentle. Our lips slowly moved against each other’s saying more than words ever could. Words I wasn’t ready to say, but felt deep in my soul.

He was mine, and I was his.