Sunlight (Haven River Ranch)

Jax was in his kitchen making me a grilled cheese sandwich.

I didn’t like grilled cheese, something I’d told him the day we’d met at the grocery store. Something he remembered. But he’d promised me this grilled cheese would be different, so I was humoring him. Just this once. He’d told me I didn’t have to finish it if I wasn’t a fan, and it wouldn’t hurt his feelings in the slightest.

So I was letting him make me grilled cheese—blech.

While he cooked, I wandered into his living room. To the book on the coffee table. It was a guide for expectant dads.

“What’s this?” I held it up for him to see.

He shrugged as he stood at the stove, a spatula in his hand. “Oh, just something I’ve been reading on the nights when I can’t sleep.”

I had the same book, though for expectant mothers, on my nightstand.

“I might be freaked out about this,” he said. “But no one can say I haven’t done my best to prepare.”

My heart thumped too hard. He always seemed so sure. So steady. Eager instead of anxious. Calm instead of crazed. In the beginning, he’d had a few freak-out moments, but those had long since passed. “You’re still freaked out?”

“Well, yeah.” He turned off the burner, moving my sandwich out of the frying pan to a plate. Then he sliced it in half diagonally before getting out a jar of strawberry jelly from the fridge. “Water? Milk? Orange juice?”

“Water. This time of night, I’ll have miserable heartburn if I drink anything else.”

“You get heartburn at night?”

“Sometimes.” I took a seat at the island as he set down the plate. “You didn’t need to make me dinner.”

“I wanted to, babe.” He shifted a stool around the corner so we could face each other.

“Thank you. What’s the jelly for?”

“Your sandwich. Put it on top. Give it a try.”

“Really?” I twisted the lid off the jar and spread a small amount on a corner. A moan escaped at the first bite. “It shouldn’t be good. I don’t like grilled cheese.”

He grinned. “That’s the limit of my culinary skills. Breakfast. Or grilled cheese.”

“Noted. My turn next time.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” His eyes crinkled at the sides. “Tell me a secret.”

“I think Tara and Reid are engaged.”

“What?” He sat up straight. “Seriously?”

“Last week. I saw them coming into the lodge one morning together. He kissed her before heading to the kitchen, and she pulled off a ring before going to the front desk.”

Jax blinked. “Why would they keep it a secret?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Maybe they just wanted to keep it to themselves for a while. Like us.”

“Yeah.” His shock vanished into a soft smile. “Like us.”

I ate a few more bites as Jax leaned his forearms on the island. “How did your grandparents take the news?”

“They’re, uh, old fashioned.”

“Ah.” So, not great. Maybe they thought I’d gotten pregnant intentionally in some plot to weasel myself into the Haven family wealth.

I might be broke, but I didn’t want Jax’s money.

“They’ll come around,” he said. It sounded like reassurance more for himself than for me. “Tell me another secret.”

I picked up the knife, about to tell him some trivial lodge gossip, but I stopped myself.

Jax had confided in me about his mother. About Lily. It couldn’t have been easy for him to share those secrets. Yet the most personal thing he knew about me was that I’d spent a few months crashing on an air mattress.

So I set the knife down.

“My parents died on their way home from a wedding.” Not exactly a secret, but it was something no one in Montana knew. “The wedding was for an older couple. My dad was an instructor at a golf course, and the groom was his boss. I was working at the pro shop that summer, and they’d hired a few of us to help with the setup for the reception. I hung around for a while, after my parents arrived. They were dancing when I left to go home.”

Smiling. Laughing. Twirling. Oblivious to anyone else in the world when they had each other.

“They were really in love,” I said past the lump growing in my throat. “I think it would have destroyed Dad to bury Mom. She wouldn’t have recovered if she’d had to say goodbye to him. So in a way, I’m glad they went together.”

Even if that meant leaving me behind.

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“Me too,” I whispered. “They were driving home and got into a head-on collision with a truck driver who fell asleep at the wheel and crossed the center line.”

“Fuck.” Jax hissed.

“He shouldn’t have been driving. He was over the limit on hours and going too fast. Mom and Dad died on impact. The truck driver died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.” I reached for my water, my hand trembling as I lifted the glass to my lips.

“How old were you?” he asked.

“Eighteen.”

Legally, an adult. Legally, the person who had to settle their affairs. Realistically, a kid who’d lost her parents. But I’d never once complained. I’d carried every burden without question, even when they’d nearly crushed me to dust.

“It’s been a strange ten years,” I told Jax. “Every time I think I’m getting settled, something changes. Something knocks me off balance.”

Maybe that was why I always seemed to prepare for the worst. Because for ten years, I’d never managed to find my footing. I was constantly being shoved sideways, and by the time I was standing tall again, something else came along to trip me up.

I picked up the knife again, adding more jelly to my sandwich. Then I ate it too fast so I could stop talking about my parents.

The knife stayed in my hand the entire time.

“Why did you come to Montana?” Jax asked, stealing the utensil from my grip.

“This job.” Mostly, this job.

It was a half truth. But I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about Eddie. Not yet. And especially Jax.

“I was working at a resort in California when I stumbled on the job posting that Indya had put online. When I submitted my résumé, I was sure that I’d get a canned rejection email. But she called me, and I had to pinch myself to believe it was real.”

“You didn’t think you were qualified?”

“Not really. Not compared to other people who applied.”

“You’re selling yourself short. You were Indya’s first choice.”

“Seriously?”

He nodded. “She interviewed three other people, I think? She said you were the only one who made her laugh.”

Probably with an awkward, sarcastic joke.

“Whatever the reason, I’m glad you’re here.” Jax stood and grabbed my now-empty plate, then took it to the sink.

I followed with my water glass. “Me too.”

“Even if this baby threw you for another loop?”

“Yeah.” Was I scared? Absolutely. Nervous? Definitely. “This was unexpected. But not a mistake. Never a mistake, okay?”

“I was a mistake. You don’t need to convince me never to use that term about our kid.”

No, I guess I didn’t. “Sorry, that dinner conversation got heavy.”

“Broad shoulders, darlin’. Lay it on me.”

He made it seem so easy. He made it seem like it would all be okay.

“Be honest. Thoughts on the grilled cheese?”

“I liked it.”

He narrowed his gaze. “Really?”

“Yeah.” I tugged on my earlobe as his eyes stayed locked on my face. It was a nervous habit I’d developed years ago. I caught myself and dropped my hand, but not before Jax noticed.

“Why do you do that?” Where my fingers had been, his took their place, tugging lightly.

A jolt raced down my spine, and my breath hitched. “It’s, um, a nervous habit.”

“Why are you nervous?”

You. Because he was standing so close. Because he was still touching my ear. Because his gaze dropped to my mouth, and my entire body seemed to liquify.

“Tell me a lie,” he whispered.

“I don’t want you to kiss me.” It came out so fast I couldn’t stop it. What was I doing? What was I saying?

His tongue darted out to lick his bottom lip. “Tell me a secret.”

Only one secret came to mind. A secret I really, really shouldn’t say. But I did anyway. “I always want you to kiss me.”

He moved so fast I gasped as he sealed his lips over mine. He took advantage of my open mouth, his tongue sweeping inside.

A moan rebounded between us. Was it mine? His? Both? Did it matter? Jax was kissing me, and for the first time in months, I didn’t let myself overthink.

The kiss wasn’t sweet or gentle. It was hard, nearly demanding, like I was being punished for not kissing him all this time.

God, he was good at this. Why hadn’t we been kissing all this time?

There were reasons. He was my boss—sort of. I was leaving Montana—probably. Jax was a cowboy playboy, and a romantic entanglement would only break my heart—definitely.

Except all of those reasons flittered into the ether as he wrapped me in his strong arms. He picked me up off my feet like I weighed no more than a feather and set me on the counter. Then he shifted his hands into my hair, threading his fingers through the strands as he slanted my head to plunder.

A groan rumbled in his chest, the vibration racing straight to my core.

I looped my arms around his shoulders, my fingers pressing into the firm muscles along his back. It was like caressing warm marble.

That masculine, fresh scent wrapped around me as I savored his taste. It was better than I remembered. So, so much better.

We should have been kissing all along. All this time.

I whimpered as he sucked on my bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth. I wiggled on the counter, shifting closer, widening my thighs so he could stand between them. Desire coiled in my belly, a pounding throb blooming as heat pooled.

Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones. Or maybe it was just Jax. Not a man alive had ever turned me on so quickly.

Before I was ready for the kiss to end, he growled and tore his mouth away.

We panted, breaths mingling and chests heaving, as we stared at each other.

His hands were still in my hair. Mine were still locked behind his neck.

“I’m going to carry you to my bedroom.” There was an edge to his voice. A threat. A promise. “I’m going to make you come so hard you scream. I’m going to make our night in January look like foreplay. Unless you tell me to stop. Right now.”

“Don’t stop.”

Tomorrow, I’d suffer the consequences. Tomorrow, I’d berate myself for being so weak. Tomorrow, I’d find a decent excuse for why this shouldn’t—couldn’t—happen again.

But tonight, I just wanted Jax.

“Last chance, Sasha.”

I didn’t wait for him to kiss me. I pulled him to me until his mouth was on mine.

He did exactly as he’d warned, sweeping me off the counter and carrying me down the hall to his bedroom, not once breaking the kiss.

The lights were off, like last time. Maybe someday I’d see Jax’s bedroom in color, but tonight, it was only blacks and grays and a faint glint of silver streaming through the window.

He laid me on the bed, his elbows bracketing my face as he nipped at the corner of my lips. He was careful with his weight, hovering above me. But his hips fell into the cradle of mine, and the moment he ground his arousal against my center, I nearly bucked off the bed.

“Yes.” Every nerve vibrated with anticipation. My body pulsed, head to toe, its rhythm saying again, again, again.

My fingers shifted between us, tugging at his shirt until it was free from the waistband of his jeans. Then I started on the buttons, fumbling thanks to the frantic energy in my fingertips. But I managed to undo them all, bottom to top, and shoved at the cotton until it was over his shoulders.

My victory was short lived. He had a cotton T-shirt on underneath. It was in the way. When I needed the heat from his skin, this damn T-shirt was in the way.

Jax broke us apart, reaching behind his nape to rip the shirt away as I shoved up to a seat, grappling with the hem of my sweater. He was faster, his shirt flying over his shoulder to the floor. My sweater was yanked over my head with a whoosh and landed with a plop.

Then the music to my ears: the clank of his belt buckle. The sound that made my entire body shiver. A sound I hadn’t forgotten since January.

“Jax.” My hands went to his chest, pressing against smooth skin and hard muscle as they traveled up his washboard abs to his chest. His nipples were small and pebbled.

I flicked them both with my thumbs, earning a hiss through his gritted teeth.

“We’ll play later, baby.” His voice was low and gravelly as he moved to my slacks, tugging them and my panties over my hips, dragging them off my legs, inch by torturous inch.

He’d seen me naked. He’d seen my belly. But a sudden rush of self-consciousness caused me to wrap my arms over my stomach.

“Sasha.” He shot me a frown, then took my wrists in his grip and lifted my hands to cup my breasts. “Work on that bra, baby.”

He dropped a kiss to my navel, a gesture that was as sweet as it was sexy. But before I could undo the clasp on my bra, his mouth trailed lower, causing a wave of tingles to skate over my skin. “Bra, Sasha.”

Right. I had a job to do. I propped up, unclasping the back, then slid it off my arms. My nipples were hard, desperate for his mouth.

He leaned back, a smirk stretching his soft lips. “You look so fucking pretty, naked on my bed.”

Heat bloomed in my cheeks, that throbbing in my core becoming an ache.

“Lie down.”

I obeyed, my heart hammering as his knee hit the edge of the mattress.

He didn’t reach for his nightstand.

“Jax. What about—” I swallowed hard. “Do we need, um . . .”

“A condom?”

I nodded.

“Have you been with anyone?”

“No.”

“Good.” He ran his tongue over the curve of my breast. “Neither have I.”

“Oh, thank God.” I sighed and dived into his hair, holding him to me as he sucked on a nipple, my mind blanking as his teeth scraped over my skin.

He cupped me in his hands, squeezing and sucking to the point where pain met pleasure.

I writhed beneath him, arching my hips toward his cock. It was pressed hard and thick against my leg, not at all where I wanted it to stay. “I need to feel you inside.”

“Not yet.” He kissed my sternum, then skimmed his lips over the curve of my belly. For a moment, I thought he’d stop there, but as he pushed my knees apart, a flash of panic popped my eyes open as I pushed up on an arm.

“Jax, I—”

“Do you trust me?” he asked, his eyes hooded.

I gulped but nodded.

That earned me another smirk. It shouldn’t be sexy. It really shouldn’t. My pussy clenched.

Then my thoughts dissolved as he dragged his tongue through my slit, and I collapsed on my back, my hands coming to my face.

Why was this embarrassing? He was down there, and it felt good—so good—but he was down there, and I was dripping wet. Was it normal to be this wet?

I closed my eyes, trying to relax, but I stiffened as he kissed and lapped at me with his tongue. Relax. Just relax. Why couldn’t I relax? My friends all loved this. They always boasted whenever they found a guy who’d go down on them. It had been rare. For all of us.

A chore, not foreplay. It was what a man did to guarantee he was getting fucked.

I’d never come like this before. But I’d faked it.

Except Jax hummed against me, the sound sheer pleasure. “You taste so fucking good, baby.”

Really? He licked me again before pushing a finger inside.

I gasped, my eyes flying open.

“Good?”

“Good,” I panted.

Jax fluttered his tongue over my clit, and a cry escaped my lips.

Not good. Fantastic. My heart raced as scorching heat spread beneath my skin. My legs fell open, my hips lifting to his mouth as he continued to lick and suck. My limbs trembled as sweat beaded at my temples.

“Jax?” It came out as a question right before he latched on to my clit.

And every star in the galaxy exploded behind my eyes.

Incoherent screams tore through my throat. They echoed in a plea for Jax not to stop. Never stop. And I shattered into a million pieces, every cell in my being rattling as my orgasm racked my body in crushing waves.

It lasted an eternity, and it was too short. When I finally breathed, my body collapsing, utterly spent, on the mattress, Jax rose to his knees, that smirk even wider.

His cock jutted between us, the size making my breath catch. He fisted the shaft, pumping slowly. Watching him as his head lolled to the side, pleasure on his face, was the most erotic moment of my life. I’d just had the best orgasm, but I needed more. I needed him.

“I want you on my tongue every night, Sasha.” He looked at me and brought a finger to his lips, the finger that had been inside me, and sucked it into his mouth. His eyes closed as he hummed, like he was tasting honey.

Okay, that was the most erotic moment of my life.

“Jax.” My voice sounded pathetic. Pleading and desperate. I didn’t have it in me to care.

He came down on top of me, his eyes locking with mine as he hovered. His body covering mine. His hand shifted to my hair, brushing it off of my temple. It was the first tender, sweet gesture he’d made since the kiss in the kitchen.

Another erotic moment. Entirely different than the others. Equally powerful.

He positioned himself at my entrance, waiting for me to give him a slight nod. Then he drove home, clenching his jaw as I clung to his shoulders, my body stretching around his length. “Fuck.”

“Jax.” My whole body shuddered. My inner walls squeezed as the coil of another orgasm began to twist.

“You feel so good.” Jax eased out to slam inside again, driving impossibly deep.

I closed my eyes, savoring every moment as he set into a steady rhythm. It was better than the first time. How was that even possible?

A string of moans and whimpers poured from my throat without permission. I was too lost in Jax to do anything but feel.

One of his hands began to wander, massaging my curves and skin. His touch was electric, and with every piston of his hips, bringing us together, I wound tighter and tighter and tighter.

“Yes.” My nails dug into his skin as I writhed beneath him.

His lips were a whisper against the shell of my ear. “Come, Sasha.”

It shouldn’t have worked. He shouldn’t be able to command an orgasm with a single order. But I came apart, shattering around him as he fucked harder, faster.

His name filled the room as I screamed it loud. My bones felt like they were shaking loose as I pulsed around him, losing all touch with reality. I was not a person who liked to be out of control. But this? I would let go of every shred of control to feel this again.

“Sasha,” Jax groaned, his body tensing. Then he came on a roar, pouring inside me until he collapsed. With a quick roll, he spun us both, breaking our connection as he positioned me on his chest.

My ear was pressed to his thundering heart, its beat matching my own. Our skin was sticky, and the room smelled like sex. His come and my wetness were leaking down my inner thighs.

But I breathed. For the first time in what felt like months, what had been months, I breathed.

Jax shifted to drag the covers over us both. Then he kissed my hair, murmuring, “Night, Sasha.”

“Night, Jax.” I yawned, burrowing into his neck.

Maybe I should have gone home. Maybe I should have put some sort of flimsy boundary between us. But as Jax wrapped me in his arms, as he cocooned me in his warmth, I closed my eyes.

And for the first time in a long, long time, I fell asleep with a smile on my lips.