Sunlight (Haven River Ranch)

With a fortifying breath, I raised my hand and knocked on Jax’s door. My pulse had been racing since, well . . . all day. Since he’d come into my office this morning and invited me over for another dinner.

I’d had an excuse at the ready. A headache. But before I could tell him the lie, he’d said please.

Please? Have dinner with me.

He didn’t have to say please to have dinner with a woman, did he? Most probably jumped at the chance to share a meal with Jax Haven. Besides that, he hadn’t asked me for much in the past month. He hadn’t pushed me for anything, even my time.

So here I was, standing on his porch, my heart beating so fast I worried it would fly out of my chest.

The knob turned, and there he was, a dish towel in hand and a smile on his face. A smile that stole the sliver of air left in my lungs.

“Hey, you.”

My stomach dipped. “Hi.”

God, this was a stupid idea. He looked gorgeous. His hair was disheveled, sticking up at odd angles. He hadn’t shaved this morning, and the stubble on his jaw was sexier than was safe for my well-being.

“Hungry?” he asked, shifting out of the way for me to come inside.

“Yeah.” Starving. The nausea I’d battled in the evenings during my first trimester had vanished. An insatiable appetite seemed to have taken its place, and I was famished. The scents of bacon and maple and vanilla made my stomach growl.

Jax steadied my elbow as I toed off my shoes on the mat in the entryway.

So far, spring had been wet and muddy. But I’d never minded the rain. Every morning for the past week, I’d woken to the musical prattle of drops on the cabin’s tin roof.

“Come on in.” He jerked his chin for me to follow him into the open room, where he had a fire burning in the hearth.

Jax headed for the kitchen stove, where a frying pan sizzled with hash browns. His jeans draped down long legs to bare toes.

He was relaxed and casual. It was magnetic. I couldn’t tear my eyes from his plain black T-shirt that stretched across his broad shoulders and strong chest, straining at the biceps.

“Pancakes okay?” he asked.

“Sure.” I slid onto a stool at the island and watched as he moved around the space, mesmerized by how such a large body could be so graceful.

“Haven’t seen you much lately,” he said. It was just a statement without a hint of accusation in his tone.

I hadn’t been purposefully avoiding him, but I hadn’t exactly sought him out either. Mostly because I was three and a half months pregnant.

And three months was when couples generally started making announcements.

I wasn’t ready to make announcements, not yet.

“It’s been busy at work.” Not entirely a lie.

With Indya still out on maternity leave, there was plenty to be done. Reservations were beginning to ramp up with the spring weather, and the resort was busier now than it had been since the holidays.

Just like it had been when I’d first moved to Montana, work had been my salvation over the past month. It gave me an excuse to ignore the disaster that was my personal life.

I went into the office around six each morning, and if I came home by seven, it was an early night. Either it was the pregnancy or the long hours, but I was usually so exhausted by the time I walked through the cabin’s door that I didn’t have time to panic about the baby. Or Jax. Or Eddie.

Ignoring problems was my newest party trick. And if it ever failed me, there was always my trusty standby. Fake it until it breaks you.

People at work thought I actually had my shit together. The joke was on them.

“Feeling okay?” Jax asked over his shoulder.

I nodded. “I’m good.”

“Doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Yep. One o’clock. If you don’t want to come—”

“I’ll be there.”

The relief was staggering.

Maybe I wasn’t sure how to cope with all of this yet. I’d probably be a lousy mother. Except it was happening. Whether I was ready or not, this was happening.

I’d only had the one doctor’s appointment so far. This early on, I’d go in once a month. Tomorrow, I couldn’t ignore reality. And if he came with me to the appointment, then at least I wouldn’t be alone.

In case something bad happened, for once, I didn’t want to handle it alone.

“Thanks,” I said. “And thanks for talking to Lily about a new doctor.”

“Welcome.” He opened the oven door and took out a baking sheet lined with aluminum foil and crackling bacon.

We wouldn’t be meeting with ex-girlfriend Robin tomorrow. The trade-off was that my physician was now a man. I’d never had a male doctor before, but he came highly recommended, and he’d been Indya’s doctor, too, during her pregnancy. Not that I’d asked Indya about her experience. This was all information from Lily.

I think I hated her for what she did to Jax. Maybe. Probably. It would be easier to hate her if she wasn’t so . . . nice.

Why did she have to be nice? Every time I’d spoken to Lily, she’d been sweet and kind. She’d come out to the resort to visit Indya or West, and she’d always made it a point to pop into my office and say hello.

Before Jax had told me about their history, I’d liked Lily. A lot. Now? Hate was a strong word. And I’d probably gone overboard with my reaction the night Jax had told me the whole story.

But being a mother wasn’t always about blood.

Lily had made the wrong choice. She should have chosen Jax.

If I were him, I wouldn’t have talked to her either. With any luck, we wouldn’t bump into her at the hospital again.

“Can I help with anything?” I asked.

“Nah. I’ve got it.”

While he cooked, it gave me a chance to study more of his house. From the warm, forest green cabinets to the granite counters flecked with gold. The island was massive and separated the kitchen from the open living room.

The rawhide leather furniture was clearly expensive, but it was also cozy and welcoming. The random scratches across the couch gave it character and charm. It had a similar style to the cabin, rugged yet modern. Except something about his couch was more inviting than mine. I wanted to curl under his tan-and-black-striped throw blanket, soak in the heat from the fireplace, and sleep for ten hours straight.

I yawned, unable to hold it back.

“Tired?” Jax asked as he pulled two plates out of a cupboard.

“Yeah. I’m tired a lot at the moment.”

He hummed, finishing our dinner. When he set a heaping plate in front of me, my eyes bulged.

“This is more than I’ll be able to eat.”

“It’s all right.” He lifted a hand and pushed a lock of hair off my temple.

Tingles raced across my skin as his fingers lingered at the shell of my ear. Then his hand was gone, and I couldn’t seem to remember how to breathe.

He poured syrup over his pancakes as I forced an inhale.

What were we doing? What did he want from me? What did I want from him?

No idea. But I liked that he touched me. I liked that he was affectionate. Even if it was confusing and reckless and would only complicate things more than they were already.

I liked being here, at this island, having breakfast for dinner again.

Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored so much for the past month. It was easy to slip back onto this stool. I liked that it was easy to be here, around him.

But that was everyone in his life, wasn’t it? People liked Jax; they fell into his orbit. I was just another one of those people. The one who happened to be having his baby.

“Tell me a story,” he said.

“What kind of story?”

“Anything.” He nudged my elbow with his, giving me a playful smile. “We haven’t done a great job in the past month getting to know each other, have we?”

“No, I guess not.” Still no accusation in his tone.

Maybe because he could have tracked me down too. Maybe I wasn’t the only one not sure how to navigate this. Maybe I wasn’t the only one happy to ignore it for a bit.

“I was prom queen my senior year in high school,” I said.

“Ah.” He smirked. “You were the popular girl.”

“Pretty much. I was a cheerleader.”

“Dating the star quarterback of the football team?” he teased.

“Yes.” My smile dimmed.

When was the last time I’d thought about high school? About the girl I used to be?

That had been a different life. The girl who’d worn ball gowns and tiaras hadn’t survived the death of her parents.

Where would I be if Mom and Dad were still alive? What would have happened with me and Eddie? Maybe it would have turned out exactly the same. Maybe not.

But I doubted I’d be in Montana. I wouldn’t have met Jax. I wouldn’t be having a baby.

Flip. There went the world again, flipping upside down.

“Tell me a secret,” he said.

For once, I didn’t have to think long. “I caught Tara making out with Reid in the hallway yesterday.”

“What?” Jax’s jaw dropped, his fork frozen in midair. “Reid? The chef Reid? And Tara?”

“Yep.”

Tara had worked at the lodge for years as a housekeeper, then as an assistant manager. She was fiery but honest. When I’d first started at the resort, she’d gladly answered my questions and welcomed me to the staff.

Reid had been rather cantankerous at first, not wanting to take orders from me when he’d reported to Indya for so long. But eventually, we’d found a groove. I let him do his job, and he realized that when I made suggestions, I was simply trying to do mine.

“I don’t know how I feel about this.” Jax set down his fork and raked a hand through his hair. “Tara’s like my aunt. She’s worked at the lodge my whole life. She’s Lily’s best friend. I love Tara. And Reid is, well . . . Reid. He’s a grumpy bastard most days. They always bicker. I figured they didn’t like each other.”

I shrugged. “Maybe that bickering was foreplay.”

“Eww. Now I can’t get the image of them together out of my head.” He grimaced. “It’s like thinking about your parents having sex.”

“Sorry.” I laughed.

“Save those kinds of secrets for when we’re not eating.” He chuckled, diving back into his meal.

“Your turn.”

“Secret or a story?”

I shrugged. “Your choice.”

Jax hummed as he chewed. Then he set his fork down again, turning sideways to look at me. “When I was a kid, I used to imagine my mother showing up. She’d tell me she was sorry for leaving me here, but she was helping other kids around the world who didn’t have a safe place to live like I did on the ranch.”

“Jax.” I wasn’t sure what to say. That wasn’t a secret I’d been expecting either.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about her lately. Since we talked about her. I don’t ever talk about her. Not to anyone.”

Except me. He’d confided in me. “Do you have any idea where she is?”

“Yeah.” He picked up his fork to poke at his scrambled eggs. “Not saving children around the world. I was curious a few years ago. Mostly I wanted to know if she was still alive. So I hired an investigator to track her down. She’s currently serving a seven-year sentence in Nevada for drug trafficking.”

“W-what? Oh my God.”

“No one knows that,” he said. “Appreciate it if you’d keep it between us.”

“Of course.” He didn’t even need to ask. That wasn’t something I’d ever share without his permission.

“I hate drugs.”

“Me too.” On that, we’d always agree.

“Sorry. That was, uh, not exactly the lighthearted dinner conversation I’d planned. But . . . figured you should know.”

We could share random facts and easy secrets. But we were tied together, forever. We should share the hard and heavy too. I couldn’t keep everything to myself, not with Jax.

“Thanks for telling me.”

“Of course.” He put his hand on my shoulder, massaging lightly.

I leaned into his touch as he continued to knead with his fingers.

The tension seeped out of my muscles. My eyes drifted closed, and I swallowed a moan.

God, he had great hands. How had I forgotten that from our night together? Jax delivered the perfect amount of pressure and strength and tenderness.

Was this what I’d been missing all month? Breakfast for dinner and a shoulder massage to melt away the stress?

“You know, if you stopped avoiding me, this could become a regular thing,” he said like he could read my mind.

“I haven’t been avoiding you. You know exactly where I am.”

“So this is my fault?”

“Basically.”

His quiet chuckle called me on the lie. “How about we go out for dinner in town tom—”

A knock at the door stopped him from finishing the invitation.

His hand dropped as he stood and walked to the entryway.

We should have heard a vehicle approach. There should have been a flash of light outside. But I guess neither of us had been paying much attention to anything beyond each other.

“Hey,” Jax answered. “Come on in.”

“Sorry.” A woman’s voice carried from the hall. “I tried calling but you didn’t answer.”

“It’s all right.”

“It smells good in—” The beautiful woman who drove the Jeep emerged carrying a backpack, coming to a halt when she spotted me at the island. “Oh. I’m so sorry. I’m interrupting.”

Jax stood behind her and gave me a sad smile.

“You should have told me you had a date.” She stretched behind her and smacked Jax in the gut.

“It’s not a date,” I said at the same time he said, “I have a date.”

She rolled her eyes at him, then walked over, hand extended. “Hi. I’m Emery.”

“I’m Sasha.”

Emery was stunning. Even with red-rimmed eyes and splotchy cheeks still damp with tears, she was gorgeous. Her hair fell in thick, wavy sheets around her shoulders. She had a slender, willowy frame despite her boxy sweatshirt.

The same sweatshirt I’d worn a month ago at this island.

Jax’s sweatshirt.

Why was she wearing Jax’s sweatshirt?

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” she said. “Jax has told me so much about you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too,” I lied. Maybe it would have been nice. If she wasn’t wearing his clothes.

Wait. How much had he told her? Did she know I was pregnant? My eyes flicked to him, and he gave a slight head shake.

Phew. We really needed to talk about how and when we were going to tell people. But not with Emery here. And not until we figured out what to say.

Everyone would know that I was Jax’s drunken one-night stand. Everyone would realize I was a hot mess.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Emery said. “I’ll get out of here. Let you get back to your dinner.”

I opened my mouth, about to tell her that it was fine and she should stay. Especially since she’d been crying—hard from the looks of it. But before I could say anything, Jax put his hands on her shoulders, massaging her muscles like he had with me earlier, and steered her for a stool.

His stool.

He sat her right beside me, rounded the corner of the island, and turned on the stove. “How many pancakes?”

“Two,” she said, abandoning her seat. “But I can make them myself. Finish eating.”

“I’ll do it.”

“Get out.” She shooed him out of the kitchen, then went to work, mixing up pancake batter in a bowl.

Emery moved around the kitchen with the same ease as Jax. She knew where everything was located, from the pancake mix to a whisk to a plate to a bowl.

When the pancakes were cooking, she set a plate in the space beside Jax, leaning against the counter. “How do you like the cabin?” she asked me. “Isn’t it cute?”

“Very cute.”

“You should have seen it before Jax worked his magic. This place too. Talk about a couple of dumps.”

“Hey.” Jax flicked the tip of her nose. “It wasn’t a dump.”

Emery swatted his hand away. “It was a total dump. I can prove it too.”

Jax groaned as she dug out her phone. “Here we go with the pictures.”

“He thinks I take too many pictures.” She swiped through her phone, shifting out of reach when he tried to snatch it away. When she found the one she’d been looking for, she held out the screen. “See? Total dump.”

It was old but not awful. It wasn’t all that worse than my rental in town.

“Flip your pancakes, Hill.”

“Don’t boss me around, Haven.” Emery stuck out her tongue, then went to the stove to flip her pancakes.

It wasn’t exactly flirting. There didn’t seem to be a lick of chemistry between them. The playful touches and teasing were just . . . friendship.

Except he’d done the same with me. The smirks. The shoulder massage. The hoodie.

Was that how he saw us? Friends? Was I reading more into this than necessary?

A relationship between us was impossible. With the baby. With Eddie. With my job. It would never work. We needed to be friends. Stay friends.

I couldn’t—shouldn’t—want more.

“How was work?” Jax asked Emery.

“Fine.” She shrugged. “You know that filing-system overhaul I’ve been working on? I think I finally finished. We’re officially digital. Maybe someday you’ll move out of the dark ages, too, and join the rest of us in the cloud.”

He chuckled. “Only if Sasha makes me.”

She knew about his paper filing system? Of course she knew. She’d probably spent plenty of time in his office. More than me.

“What did you do today?” she asked him.

“Worked. Managed to get in a ride this afternoon. Went up to the north ridge.”

The north ridge. I had no idea where that was. But the way Emery nodded, she did. She’d probably been there too.

I realized as they kept talking that I was the third wheel. I was the outsider. I was the silent observer of a conversation between friends.

A headache bloomed behind my temples. Time to go home.

“I think I’m going to head out,” I told him as Emery poured syrup on her pancakes. “Thanks for dinner.”

“What? No. Don’t go.” His blue eyes were pleading. “Not yet.”

“You should talk,” I said quietly, my gaze darting to Emery. If I was gone, he could ask her why she’d been crying.

He sighed. “Okay.”

“Good night.”

“You’re leaving?” Her eyes widened, dread filling her expression. Either because she felt bad for interrupting, or because if I was gone, then Jax would make her talk about whatever it was that had sent her to his house. “You should stay.”

“It’s been a long day.” I quickly took my plate to the sink, then I waved goodbye and headed for the entryway.

Jax joined me as I pulled on my shoes. “See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.” I opened the door, stepping out into the night.

He lingered outside until I was at the cabin, lifting a hand before I disappeared inside.

This was fine. Better, actually. It was better this way.

As I got ready for bed, I pretended like this disappointment in my heart wasn’t disappointment at all.

Jax and I should just be friends.

Friends who were having a baby together. Nothing more.

At the end of the day, I was doing this alone. I needed to stand on my own two feet. If I relied too much on Jax, well . . . I couldn’t take that risk. I couldn’t depend on him, not when so much was at stake.

So we’d be friends. Friends who should stop having breakfasts for dinner. Friends who didn’t need to share secrets and lies.

Friends. That was better.

When would it feel better?

Dear Eddie,

You know what we never made for dinner? Breakfast. I’ve had breakfast for dinner a couple times lately. Pancakes. Bacon. Eggs. Hash browns. All the things I never took the time to make us in the mornings.

Remember when we used to eat ice cream for dinner? Only ice cream. We’d stay up late and watch some stupid show on TV and pig out on ice cream. Just the idea of Cherry Garcia makes me sick to my stomach. We took it too far, didn’t we? Not just with the ice cream. Sometimes I think we just didn’t know how to stop and reset. We liked something so much that we went wild. I’m rambling now. Anyway. When I see you again, let’s have breakfast for dinner.

S