Skinned

Control.

It became the very word that haunted the entirety of my mind, a sheer reminder of what I failed to acquire when I allowed my nature to consume me completely. And it plagued my conscience at a constant time that left me suffocating in an overriding guilt. I was weaker than what lived beneath my skin, and that weakness alone costed the life of another wolf.

Not only did I kill a woman, but I also ended the life of an unborn pup, and their blood stayed painted in the palm of my hands.

“Valerie,” Killian called out quietly from behind me as I stood by the window and watched the sky turn grey, waiting for the impending downpour.

“What day is it?” I questioned him.

“It’s Thursday.”

I frowned as soon as I realized how the days were quick to run by. I could no longer keep track of time since I was taken under Killian’s supervision, and not once did I think about stepping outside the comfort of his den. It had been exactly four days since I took Celeste’s life, and the image of her fighting through every breath remained fresh in my mind.

“You need to eat, Valerie,” he told me nonchalantly, “You haven’t gotten anything since yesterday.”

I let my finger graze along the window, keeping my back facing the Alpha that stood firmly behind me.

I couldn’t find it in myself to consume anything; everything that was supposed to be edible didn’t seem to be as appealing to me anymore.

Because to eat was to chew, and chewing reminded me of my wolf taking pleasure in eating the life out of Celeste.

It was a nightmare to have witnessed her murder behind the eyes of my wolf, and morally broke me when I felt her flesh run down my throat.

As soon as I regained consciousness under Killian’s den, I went straight to the bathroom and forced myself to purge Celeste’s residue from my stomach. And it was only then that Killian came back to witness me standing alone in the kitchen with my fourth glass of water, trying to cleanse the taste of her that lingered on my tongue.

Again, I felt the bile rise up to my throat upon recalling the memory, and I immediately shook my head to decline Killian’s offer.

“No, not today,” I mumbled.

The sound of air leaving Killian’s nose meant that his patience was close to meeting its end.

“I wasn’t giving you a choice.”

I clenched my jaw and looked at him over my shoulder with eyes that told my hostility, “You’ve never given me any.”

As if my words were quick to make their damage, Killian closed his parted lips, his expression dropping as he let his eyes cast down to avoid my own.

And I hated how I wanted to take back what I just said.

Silence filled the living room as we stood apart from each other, our eyes locked in on a quiet war until I decided to return my gaze back to the world outside the window, avoiding the apparent hurt that was quick to take over his features. I could feel his eyes running along my skin, the heat travelling to my shoulders before coming to a stop at the back of my head.

“I can never apologize enough for what I did to you, Valerie,” Killian said softly, his voice easily reaching out to me, “But there’s never a time where I’m free from the shame of causing you pain.”

It was so simple for him to be transparent, to bare his weakness only for me to imbibe, and I figured that all the truth he gave me was something that I never really deserved to hear.

By then, my shoulders were already tense and hunched forward from the aching pull that he had on me.

And I kept reminding myself that everything I felt for him was merely a mirage formed by nature; it was all primal. He had himself tethered to my wolf, but never to me.

You deny.

My wolf’s words rang clear in my conscience as I felt my her bristle against my thought, her displeasure causing an inward ache that forced my jaw to lock tight; she was causing me pain with an intent to reprimand.

Through the window, I saw Reed approaching the den with a face that carried his frustration, and I knew that he was here to deliver a news that was far from being good. He clenched his jaw and ran a hand through his hair several times before finally knocking on the door.

“Alpha Killian,” Reed called out, his voice muffled.

I expected Killian to leave right away, to attend to his duties as soon as possible, but he remained standing behind me with a gaze that was enough to burn through me.

“It’s important, it’s about the North,” Reed said through the door.

“I’ll leave the food on the table, Valerie,” Killian told me, before I heard him leave the room and step outside the den to talk to the former Beta.

The sudden shift to Reed’s posture was noticeable as Killian stepped down the front porch to talk to him. His spine had set straight, but his eyes couldn’t meet the gaze of his alpha, quickly submitting to a creature that was above his own.

Reed’s teeth were gritting every time he said a word in explanation, and I noticed how Killian’s cool expression gradually shifted to become dark and brooding.

“...breached the border...”

“...not a trace...”

“We don’t know if...”

I could barely pick up on what they were talking about, but I was certain that it was a matter that required Killian’s command.

Amidst their conversation, Killian nodded in agreement to something that Reed said, before moving on to the path that led to the North without wasting much time.

But before Reed could follow behind the Alpha, he looked up to meet my eyes and slightly lowered his head to regard me... respectfully.

I eyed him, my cold fingers sinking into my arms that were firmly crossed above my chest as I came to realize what he was trying to do.

And he spoke a word that was easy enough to read with my eyes, “Luna.”

It was already midnight when Killian returned from the North, the sound of his footsteps were slow and heavy as he ventured straight into the kitchen without stopping to check on me like he normally would.

And he came to a halt as soon as he realized that the food on the table was left untouched.

There was a moment of silence as he remained unmoving, before he made his way to the living room.

The more he neared the room, the more I felt the burden of his thoughts, weighing me down completely as I fought hard against his influence, until I felt him stop at the open door.

The heat of his gaze travelled along my skin, my senses easily picking up its path as it glided along my back and up to the mark that laid on my neck.

I gritted my teeth as my shoulders curled forward instinctively, feeling as if the air in the room had suddenly gone still, his presence alone suffocating me.

“Valerie, please,” Killian said, his voice rough and pleading that it caused my wolf to stir in concern.

The sudden ache in my chest caused me to turn my head over my shoulder to acknowledge the alpha that stood behind me, and I was met with a crestfallen expression that begged for no more defiance.

His dark hair was dishevelled, his clothes bearing numerous creases and marks of dirt while he stood depleted before me; he simply looked like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“I need you to at least consume something for today,” he said, “I can’t let you starve yourself.”

I sat on the table with both my hands planted on my lap as I watched Killian move around the kitchen to prepare our dinner. He refused to look me in the eyes while he worked on heating up the food.

An invisible storm seemed to follow him around as he made the preparation, and I began to feel driven into questioning what was on his mind.

I flinched when he slid an empty plate in front of me and served me my needed sustenance.

A sudden constriction occurred in my chest as he poured me a glass of water. He made sure that everything I needed was set right in front of me before he could finally take his place across from mine and serving himself.

It was in his right as an Alpha to be served first, yet he completely disregarded that custom and put me above his own,

And I failed to remember when I had been considered a priority by any wolf in the land of my pack.

I looked down at the food and back up at Killian, only to realize that his eyes still refused to meet my own, and I swallowed the lump in my throat as I bit my tongue to prevent the aching words from escaping my mouth.

I should care less.

I couldn’t decipher how an action so little could affect me so much, he was giving me foreign treatment that I didn’t know how to reciprocate.

How long had I been deprived of such care?

I knew that Killian could feel the war going through my head, the surge of emotions plaguing my conscience, and he made no move to acknowledge them.

He looked like his thoughts were reserved from the things happening around him, allowing his inner turmoil to build a barrier between me and him, and all I could do was watch him tear at himself as he began to eat his food, his unseeing eyes set on the plate in front of him.

He was completely lost.

“I’m sorry, Killian,” I told him weakly, forcing him to sit still on his seat for a moment. I couldn’t hold the apology from leaving my mouth, as the guilt of adding more weight to his growing concerns gradually consumed me.

The silence was quick to eat my words, landing a hard lash to my conscience as Killian made no attempt to make a response and went on to finish his food. And I looked down at my lap in shame as I felt my heart sink at Killian’s disregard.

Even after finishing his dinner, he quietly stood up from the table and washed his plate before leaving the kitchen and finally walking upstairs, leaving me with only my thoughts as company.

Later that night, I found myself standing in front of Killian’s bedroom door, trying to fight the urge to knock in a desperate call for his presence.

For the fourth time, I raised my hand to prepare myself to knock and ask what chaos lied inside his head, but I gritted my teeth and dropped my hand with a sigh as I took several steps away from the door.

His room was right across from mine, and all I could see from beneath the gap at the bottom of his front door was darkness.

I shook my head begrudgingly as I looked at the door knob that openly mocked me of what I had been itching to do.

But despite my urge, I turned around and decided to head to bed, hoping that it could put rest to the guilt that laid heavily in my conscience.

As I laid down with a sigh, I pulled the blankets over me and closed my eyes.

Foul.

Nauseating.

Putrid.

I stirred on my bed as the sickening smell forced through my senses, slowly dragging me away from the peacefulness of my sleep.

“Look at my pup.”

I frowned at the whispery voice that filled the silence of my room and I hugged tight on my pillow as my daze began to slip away.

“Look at my pup.”

This time, the voice became more audible, the sound of it forcing my eyes to fly open in recognition as my body immediately went cold. I began to quiver upon knowing someone stood far behind me, hidden somewhere at the corner of my room, and I waited once more for the voice to speak, desperately hoping that it was just in my head.

Silence met my ears.

With a calmed sigh, I pulled the blankets tighter around me and was immediately assaulted by the strong smell of decaying flesh, and I pulled back only to notice that the sheets were stained with blood.

I jumped and sat up, my eyes looking over my hands that were covered by the sticky substance, and my heart began to beat rapidly as my breaths started to come out rapidly.

“Look at my pup.”

My breathing stopped, and I dared my head to turn to the direction of the voice, until my eyes landed on a figure standing at the far corner of my room.

By then, my features shifted to bear my horror upon the sight of the woman slowly limping out of the shadows and into the light of the Moon.

Celeste looked at me with the absence of life in her wide stormy, grey eyes.

She was all bare, wearing blood as her clothes as she stood with an abnormally slim form, her complexion deathly pale as her head remained tilted to the side due to her partial neck, and I had gone rigid at the expanse of my wolf’s bite on her flesh.

She slowly held out her quivering hands, and I failed to release a scream from my mouth upon noticing what laid on her palms.

There in her hands, was her unborn child, covered in blood that looked like it had been there for more than a week.

“Look at my pup!”

“Look at my pup, Valerie!” Celeste screamed, her mouth occupied by a dark liquid.

“Valerie!”

I was sick to my stomach, and from there my mouth had fallen agape, until I released a horrified scream.

I jolted awake with a harsh intake of breath, my hand flying to my beating heart as I sat up from bed.

I looked at the corner of the room where I had seen Celeste, only to find nothing but the plain walls of my room.

Upon realizing that I was the only one in the room, I put my hands tightly over my mouth before slowly allowing myself to release a crippled sob.

I was still shaking when I stood up from bed and left the room to stand in front of Killian’s door. My hand didn’t hesitate to circle around the doorknob, praying that he had left it unlocked as I slowly turned it.

A let out a relieved breath when the door opened, and I slowly let myself in until my eyes landed on Killian sitting up on his bed with his hair thrown in different directions. He looked tense as he allowed his eyes to acknowledge me, and it only took me a moment to realize that my nightmare had somehow broken him out of his sleep.

I stood in front of his bed shakily, my knees threatening to give out in front of his deep seated gaze, and I struggled to get any words out of my mouth as I attempted to make an explanation for disturbing his peace.

“I was—,” I stopped, my words cut off by the sudden wave of anguish washing over me, tears threatening to leave my eyes, “I couldn’t deal—”

Killian’s gaze softened upon observing me, and he slowly laid back down on the bed and opened up his sheets for me, urging me to lay with him as he kept his eyes on me.

I crawled on the bed and under the sheets, my hands immediately circling themselves around his bare torso as I buried myself in the comfort of his scent, allowing the warmth of his body to seep into my skin and begin to sate my inner turmoil.

And I failed to stop myself from breaking down in his arms, my sorrow spilling out uncontrollably.

I felt pathetic to have crawled into his arms and cry, and to bare such weakness felt like a stain on my pride, but I couldn’t bring myself to stay away from him; I didn’t have anyone to turn to anymore, and Killian was the only one who kept me from being alone.

Killian’s hand gently brushed the hair on the back of my head while the other one softly glided comfortingly along my back, his legs wrapping with my own beneath the sheets; he surrounded me with the entirety of him, allowing the fullness of his affection to reach out and silence my horrors.

“I’m sorry, Killian,” I sobbed against his neck, my tears falling on the smoothness of his skin.

I didn’t know what I was apologizing for anymore.

I had too much to repent for, but the majority of them were unforgivable, and I was going to spend the rest of my life begging for the forgiveness that I could never have.

“It was just a dream, Valerie,” he mumbled, his voice hoarse and soothing as it vibrated against his chest.

He rested his chin at the top of my head and continued to delicately play with my hair, his breath fanning my ear like a soft lullaby, “Go back to sleep.”