Shaun Phillips and The Hat of All Hats

Have you ever been grounded before?

If you have, then you know what I’m going through right now: misery!

I couldn’t play video games last night and even worse, I have to eat breakfast at the table this morning. I push pieces of my cereal back and forth through the milk but it just doesn’t feel right. This is torture! Everyone knows that Saturday morning breakfast tastes better in front of the TV with cartoons!

“Mommy can I take my cereal over to the television and watch my baby horse cartoon?”

“Sure.” Mom replies to Katie. “Just be careful not to spill any on the couch.”

“Can I do that too?”

“No, Shaun!”

“Mom you know it’s really not fair to let Katie eat in front of the television but not me.”

“Well if your shenanigans hadn’t been all over the evening news, then maybe you’d be joining your sister!”

Ah yes, the news!

I start to think about how I got into this mess in the first place. If I hadn’t brought the hat to school and worn it during my report, then the police and firemen and media never would have come. Mom and Dad never would have been called in to speak with Mr. Braxton. Birch Wood Elementary School would never have been on the evening news and I would be watching my favorite show right now or making plans to see my friends.

Hmm. It dawns on me as I stare down at my soggy breakfast. Johnny! It’s all Johnny’s fault! I am grounded because of Johnny! He’s the one who begged me to bring my hat to school! He’s the one who called me a chicken if I didn’t bring it to school.

“Mom it was really Johnny’s fault.” I explain. “He begged me to bring it to school. Then he teased me and called me names. That’s the only reason I did this.”

“Oh so it’s all Johnny’s fault is it?” Mom asks.

“Yes it is!” I state proudly.

“So if Johnny told you to stick your tongue on a frozen telephone pole or jump off the roof or paint your whole face green, you’d do it?” She asks.

“No.” I argue. “Those are all stupid things to do. And I’d probably get hurt or in trouble if I did.”

“Exactly,” Mom says. “And bringing your hat to school is the same thing. This is an important lesson for you Shaun. There will always be someone who pushes you to do something that you shouldn’t. When that happens; you need to stop and think! Maybe it was Johnny’s idea but you didn’t have to listen to him.”

“Fine,” I sigh. Mom raises a good point but I don’t want to hear that right now.

“Good morning everyone.” Dad says as he walks into the kitchen and pours himself a cup of coffee.

“Good morning Dad nice to see you. I’m going to go watch cartoons now.”

“Yeah nice try Shaun!” Dad sits down at the table next to me. “You’re going to be without cartoons for a while so get used to it. If you’re that bored I’m sure we can find something for you to do. In fact, why don’t you help me with the yard work today?”

“That’s a great idea!” Mom exclaims.

Oh boy. That is definitely not what I want to do today. But since there is no getting out of it I finish breakfast and head outside to help Dad.

First we grab some gardening tools from the shed in the backyard and start trimming the bushes and getting rid of the weeds.

“Ow, my arms are killing me!” I complain. “Hey Dad can we be done now?”

“That would be great buddy but your mother will have my head if we don’t get this whole backyard taken care of.”

“You know, I could use my hat to help with all this!”

“Have you forgotten that your hat is the reason you are grounded and helping me with yardwork in the first place?” Dad responds.

“Okay I get it. But Dad, were you ever grounded as a kid?” I ask as I drop the clippers and give my arms a rest.

“Oh you bet I was. I didn’t have a magical hat to use but I got into trouble just the same.” Dad says as he puts his clippers down. “I tell you what, let’s take five and go get a drink of water.”

We both go inside to get a glass of water and then head back out to the yard. Dad pulls up a couple patio chairs and sits down.

“I don’t think it’s been five minutes yet. We can take a little more time. Sit down Shaun. You asked if I was ever grounded and I’ve got a story I could tell you about that.”

I sit down all excited to hear what Dad has to say.

“I remember one time when I was just a few years older than you are now Shaun; there was a new robot toy that had just come out. A few of my friends had one and I wanted one so badly. I didn’t have enough allowance saved up and my parents, your grandparents, wouldn’t buy it for me.”

“So what did you do Dad?”

“Well I waited until the weekend came. You see my parents always did their grocery shopping on Saturday mornings. So while they were gone I took some dishes, small kitchen appliances and other things from the house, brought them out on the front lawn, put up a sign and had a yard sale!”

“You’re kidding me!” I laugh so hard I almost fall out of my seat.

“It’s a true story Shaun. I sold my mom’s food processor and my dad’s electric train set! It seemed as though I had gotten away with it at first but my little brother, your Uncle Alex, ratted me out!”

“Were Grandma and Grandad mad at you?”

“Oh they were beyond furious! Not only did they take turns screaming at me but they forced me to hand over the money from the sale. And obviously, I was grounded!”

“Did you argue and try to get out of it?”

“Oh I begged and pleaded with my parents. I even suggested to them that having a yard sale showed innovation and strong business skills; that they should be proud of me but they just added another few weeks to my sentence.”

“Ha ha ha! Dad that is hysterical. I never knew you did that! Did you ever get the robot toy you wanted?”

“No, I never did! At the time, not getting the toy and being grounded seemed like the worst possible things but I survived and so will you Shaun. Now how about we finish this yardwork?”

“Okay Dad.” I get up, still laughing.

We bag up all the trimmings and put the tools away. Next Dad pulls the lawnmower out from the shed and we head around to the front yard with it.

“Hello Neighbors!” Gladys Wilson waves her arm in the air as she rushes across the street to talk to us. “I need your help. Roger is away on a golfing trip for the weekend and our computer has been giving me a lot of trouble. I know you work with computers Joseph. I was hoping you could come over and take a look at it. It would be wonderful if you came over too Shaun.”

I don’t like the sound of that. What does she want with me?

“Oh, okay.” Dad pauses. “I guess we can do that.”

We leave the lawnmower in the yard and walk with Mrs. Wilson over to her house.

“Shaun.” Mom opens the front door and calls to me. “Where are you guys going?”

I rush back to Mom and fill her in.

“Mrs. Wilson says she needs Dad to help her with her computer. I don’t know why but she said she wants me to come too.”

“Well if there’s any sign of trouble both of you run back here as fast as you can!”

Mom definitely sounds a little paranoid. But I don’t blame her. There is something strange about Roger and Gladys Wilson. I run to catch up with Dad as he’s entering their house.

“Our computer is right over here.” Mrs. Wilson says and leads us to a desk in the corner of the room. “It just started acting funny.”

Dad sits down at the desk and starts working on her computer.

“That was quite a scene at school yesterday, wasn’t it?” Mrs. Wilson asks me.

“Uh, yeah, I guess.”

“You guess? I thought you’d have more to say than that Shaun. After all, didn’t this commotion start in your classroom?”

“Oh…well, there’s not much to say. We were doing presentations in class and then the alarms went off and Mr. Braxton told us to go to the gym and we did.”

“Hmm, interesting. I wonder what set the alarms off.”

“I’m not sure Mrs. Wilson.”

“Some of the school employees said that you were called into Mr. Braxton’s office. Is that true?

“Uh…”

“Why would he need to talk to you? Do you know something?”

“Uh…”

Where is she going with this? Why is she questioning me so seriously?

“Okay Gladys.” Dad says as he gets up. “It should work for you now. Come on Shaun, let’s go home!”

No convincing needed!

“Thank you gentlemen!” Mrs. Wilson exclaims and shows us to the door.

We cross the street and hurry back to our house.

“So what was wrong with her computer Dad?”

“Well she needed to update some programs but other than that her computer was fine.” Dad grunts and pauses for a moment. “Was that weird? That seemed weird to me.”

“Oh that had weird written all over it Dad!” I say as we reach our front door.

“How did it go?” Mom asks when we enter the living room.

“Um…I think we were duped.” Dad says.

“What do you mean? “

“Well where do I start?” I say, taking a deep breath. “Dad got called over to fix a computer that had nothing wrong with it. And Mrs. Wilson questioned me over and over again about what happened at school yesterday! She wouldn’t let up!”

“Something is very strange about that woman!” Mom insists. “She always seems to show up and stick her nose in our business. It’s like she has absolutely nothing better to do!”

Note to self, keep an eye on Mrs. Wilson!