Shattered Hearts A MFM Love Story

~ ~ Jackson ~ ~

Breathe. Breathe.

My hand went to my throat first, the air inside the truck suddenly thicker and as my heart rose up into my throat. I felt hot but at the same time, chills blistered my back and the shirt that Jody had brought me to come in, clung to my skin.

The Doc had warned me about this. But I already knew what it was.

Anxiety.

Which seemed like some cosmic form of bullshit. I’d seen men die in conflict and dragged dead bodies to safety so they could go home to their families. And never once had it caused this feeling I was having right now.

The fear of going home. The dread of stepping over the threshold and everything’s the same, apart from me.

Jody slowed the truck and dropped gears as she turned onto the Ranch. At the end of this long dusty road people waited for me.

To welcome me home. Like I was some kind of hero.

When all I’d done was survive a brain tumour and the trouble that had caused.

“We need to sort out some kind of plan or timetable for your physical therapy appointments,” said my aunt.

“Ah-huh,” I replied. I had already undergone three gruelling months and still had a way to go.

“I don’t mind taking you, and I’m sure it won’t be long before you’re back behind the wheel, driving yourself around.”

I hated needing to rely on anyone. However, I was left with little choice in the matter because of the weakness down the left side of my body and my balance was still causing me issues. I had to use a walking aid to steady myself.

Doc said my brain needed to re-calibrate and in time, that too would be fixed. Or so he hoped.

But it meant driving and riding were out of the question for the time being.

Jostled in my seat, the truck hit some kind of bump in the road. “Sorry, hun,” said Jody, casting me an apologetic side-glance.

I’d insisted that she be the one to drive me home from the hospital. Logan wasn’t happy when I’d told him. And Maddy, well, it had upset her too. But honestly, I was sick of seeing that look of pity in their eyes and it was the number one reason I’d asked them to give me a little space and stop visiting me every day.

And in all fairness, they had done as I’d asked, keeping their visits to every few days. It helped because I couldn’t breathe when they were around me. Hating the fact that I wasn’t better yet, feeling like myself. Stuck feeling less than a man, I guess.

I wasn’t even sure if I’d ever be the same, although Doc had said my progress in such a short amount of time had been nothing but amazing.

One thing was for sure, I would never take my health for granted again.

“Everyone is so excited to see you.” Jody reached across and squeezed my shoulder.

I swallowed down my heart, sure it was trying to escape. “Yes, guess they would be.” My voice to my own ears sounded flat, dull and lifeless.

She huffed a sigh, seemingly unhappy with my answer. “Talk to me, Jackson. You’ve barely said two words since getting in the damn truck.”

What did she want me to say? “Nothing to talk about.”

“Don’t you be feedin’ me no hogwash bullshit, Jackson Reilly.”

What had crawled up her ass?

She eased up on the gas and I felt her stare on me. Then the truck swerved, and she stopped it dead, cutting the engine, making me jerk forward in my seat and I had to slam my hand on the dashboard. “What the hell, Jody!?”

Gripping the steering wheel, her fingers whitening; she took a breath and let one hand go, twisting in her seat to face me.

She didn’t look happy with me and I waited for her to spit out what was bothering her. Although I knew already.

It was both a blessing and curse that Jody took none of my shit. From being little, she had stepped into the place where our ma should have been and whenever I’d done something she didn’t like. She would tell me in no uncertain terms to stop complaining and deal with my problems head-on.

She was also the only person who hadn’t looked at me like I was different or broken or treating me like I was gonna snap any second.

And I appreciated that more than she would ever know.

“Look, Jackson,” she started. “Logan, Maddy, hell, everyone is excited to have you home. And for whatever reason. You’re not.”

She wasn’t wrong. Waiting for me to talk and I tried to find the right words. The right emotions that might explain what was going on inside my head. But just like my mood swings, they came and went and today I didn’t think anyone would understand how I was feeling.

I sensed her becoming impatient, her fingers tapping on the steering wheel.

But she deserved some kind of explanation. “It might only be three months, but for me, it feels a hell-of-a lot longer. Half a lifetime it feels like I’ve lost.” My chest started to hurt, burning from somewhere deep inside me. “Am I allowed to be just miserable and maybe a little pissed off at the world?”

She said nothing for a while. Simply looked at me. But then she started talking and didn’t quit.

“You’ve had a shit hand given to you, Jackson.” She pointed her finger. “But it’s not holding you back. I’ve seen how far you’ve come. I’ve watched the man I know fight to get himself well again.” Her face softened. “And I’m proud of that man.”

Her hand moved to rest on my shoulder. “So I suggest you cut them some slack. They, too, have gone through this with you.” She looked away, and then right back at me. “Yeah, they might not have been lying in that bed, but they have suffered. So you need to quit being a prima donna and get your head out of your ass. And treat them as they deserve.”

I wasn’t expecting all that.

Jody’s lips thinned. “And if you can’t do that right now. That’s fine. You can come home with me until you are ready. Because eventually Jackson, if you keep kicking a dog, it’s gonna bite you.”

I got what she was saying. I’d pushed Maddy and Logan away from the second I came too in the hospital. I did and said things I didn’t mean in an unconscious attempt to support the wall I created, knowing that one day they might walk away, decide I wasn’t worth the trouble but at the same time wondering if they would make the effort to stay.

None of it made sense, really. It was a sick game my mind was playing on me.

The therapist they’d made me talk to said this was normal for someone who’d gone through a life-changing event. She also subtly hinted that I might have issues with my Ma leaving, but I didn’t think so.

“Think on what I’ve said, Jackson.” Jody swivelled back around in her seat. Her hand shifted to the key in the ignition but didn’t twist it to start the engine. “Now what’s it gonna be, son?”

I looked out the window onto our land that stretched for hundreds of acres. She was right. I couldn’t keep lashing out at them. And my stomach went into free fall when I remembered Maddy’s face a few days back when I’d told her she was suffocating me.

She deserved a hell-of-a better than me. Someone like my brother who would always be loyal and love her so damn hard, not to mention healthy.

And I hadn’t been able to figure out why she hadn’t told me to go to hell yet.

Damn sure my Ma would have left my pa sooner if he was sick.

So the question was—was I ready to go home?

“Clocks ticking, Jackson.”

I had a feeling it was a mistake, but I said it anyway. “I’m ready. Ready to go home.”

I wasn’t looking at her, but I felt her smile. “Good answer.”

Starting the truck up again, I watched my home come into view. Getting closer and closer. I huffed a quick few breaths through my nose, shoving back the panic when I saw a banner hanging from the porch rafters. Welcome Home, it read. No doubt Maddy had orchestrated it.

As Jody brought the truck to a stop, slowly this time, I unclipped my belt.

“Get ready,” said Jody, and I looked up to see the old wooden front door swing wide open and out poured people.

I’d told them I wanted no fuss.

Scanning across the faces, I was relieved it was only Maddy, my brother and Riley Jo holding her baby girl... and then another face appeared behind Riley.

What the hell?

What was she doing here?

The she was my ma’s daughter. I still couldn’t find it in me to say sister or rather half-sister.

And why would she be here to welcome me home? It made no sense.

Logan came down the steps with Maddy right at his side. I fixed a smile on my face, but I knew it didn’t come close to reaching my eyes. It had fake written all over it.

Logan opened the truck door. His smile, however, wasn’t fake.

“Was just about to send a search party out for you,” his eyes passed over me, acknowledging Jody.

“Took the scenic route,” she said.

“Do I need to get your chair out of the back of the truck?” asked Logan.

There was no way I was using a wheelchair. Yeah, I had to take it slow, but my muscles weren’t gonna get any better or stronger if I relied on it. My stick was good enough. Shaking my head. “No need. I got this.”

Jody was already reaching into the back of the truck, having placed the stick on the back seat. She brought it to the front and positioned it half out the door where I could set it down once I put my weight on it.

Logan hovered as if he wanted to ask if I needed help, but then he nodded slowly and moved aside to give me some space. I shuffled to the edge of the seat and sucked in a breath, moving my legs and slowly I got myself out with no one’s help.

Out and upright, I squared my shoulders. Maddy, unable to contain herself, stepped closer. “Is it okay if I hug you?” she asked, her tone riddled with as much anxiety as I was hiding.

Of course, she would be anxious. I’d put it there.

And that sparked a rise of something uncomfortable in the depths of me.

“Of course you can hug me, Princess.”

She had a smile that was pure sunshine and I had forgotten how beautiful she was. Her blonde hair was tied back and her cheeks were healthy pink without being flushed. Her eyes were excited and her nervousness was now well disguised, her stance all-natural as she leaned in close.

“Thank you,” she whispered as her warm body pressed up against mine. Her hands slipped around my waist and her head buried itself in my chest and I wrapped one arm around her waist, loosely mind you, as it was my weak arm.

Maddy rested there for a few seconds, taking deep breaths, and I kissed the top of her head to hear her sigh. Finally, she eased back and, raising to her tippy-toes, she pressed a featherlight kiss to my dry lips. And when she dropped back, I could see her eyes were shiny.

“Hey. No crying now.” I warned but kept my tone light. Or at least I tried to.

Logan was next, and he hugged me and I patted his back, and I also snatched the moment to ask him quietly so no one but him would hear me. “Why is she here, Logan?”

A low grumble vibrated through his chest. Easing back from me, I knew that look. There was something he wasn’t telling me.

He sighed and his smile was tight as he reached a hand behind the back of his neck. “I said she could stay awhile.” He too kept his voice low and soft, as if not to upset me. Dropping his hand, he glanced over his shoulder back toward the house. Turning back. “We can talk ’bout this later.”

Damn straight, we would talk about it later.

“Help me get the bags from the back, Logan,” Jody shouted over as she walked to the back of the truck, popping the trunk open.

Logan jumped right to it and Maddy slipped her hand in mine, her eyes shining with hope as she leaned in to whisper. “They won’t stay long. I’ve told them you’re gonna be tired. Being your first day out of hospital.” Maddy looked up, and I realised my brows had knitted together. She quickly added, “They just want to say hello.”

I had to swallow down the sudden urge of irritation. She had no right to decide if I was tired or not.

She felt me stiffen beside her. “Is that okay, Jackson?”

I knew I was being crazy. She’s only thinking about me and my welfare. She cared. They all did.

But I just wanted them all to act normal. “I’m good,” I said through gritted teeth.

Walking toward the house, Riley Jo was rocking her baby, smiling at me. “Looking good there, Jackson.”

I took a step at a time and then I peered down at the prettiest green eyes staring up at me. “That’s a beautiful baby girl you got there, Riley Jo.”

Riley Jo’s smile widened. “She is, ain’t she?” she looked down and then raised her eyes to mine. “I’m happy you’re home, Jackson. We’ve all missed you.”

“Good to be home.” Even to my own ears, I didn’t sound convincing.

“Welcome home, Jackson. It’s good to see you,” said Casey, and my eyes cut right to her. Studying her as she shuffled awkwardly on her feet.

I didn’t know what to say, so I did the only thing I could think of, giving her one sharp nod of my head and a tight smile.

I heard a whoop, and I turned to see Hank, our ranch manager, walking toward us. “Good to have you home boss.” Slapping his hand on my back. “Place ain’t been the same without you,” he chuckled. “Although it most likely runs better without you butting in all over the damn place.” Tossing me a wink.

I was grateful he was acting normal.

He went on. “The boys will all be popping in and out over the next few days.”

I nodded. “Sure. It will be good to see them.”

“I ain’t standing here all day with these bags,” Logan interrupted. “How’s ’bout we take this inside?”

A heavy feeling pressed down on me, lethargy perhaps, but I knew it was more than that. So with my fake smile back in place, I motioned for Maddy to go first and I took my first steps inside my home in three months.