Saving Harper

"Excuse me miss, I need a favor."

I thought for a while na ako yung kausap ni Xavier. We already boarded the plane bound for Manila and I was already in my seat. He was standing along the aisle habang nadadaanan na sya ng mga tao sa likod nya. Yung katabi ko palang babae yung kausap nya.

"Buntis kasi yung asawa ko." Xavier pointed at me lumingon din sakin yung seat mate ko and I smiled at her. Or tried. Tumingin sya bigla sa tyan ko. Buti nalang I was wearing a sundress so baka medyo believable. "Magkahiwalay kasi yung seats na nabigay saamin. Ok lang ba if we switch seats?" Xavier flashed his smile rather exaggeratedly and feeling ko konti nalang mahihimatay na tong katabi ko.

"Ah, sure." Tumayo na yung babae then Xavier gave the seat number where he was supposed to sit. I heard Hilda giggled sa kabilang side ng aisle after hearing Xavier's conversation with my seat mate.

"Buntis?" I whispered to him and tinaasan ko sya ng kilay as he settled on the aisle seat vacated by the girl. "Yeah. Ang galing ko diba? Hinalikan lang kita may baby na tayo." Kumindat sya sakin and I uncontrollably rolled my eyes. Alam ko hindi nya sinasadya and mahirit lang talaga sya pero naalala ko nanaman yung fact na PG-13 lang kami. I'll always be cringing deep inside pag maaalala ko yon.

"Uhuh. First, fake boyfriend lang kita, tapos ngayon fake asawa na? Bilis ah." I couldn't help but smile at it. Yes bumabalik nanaman ako sa pagiging teenager. I wonder if masyado akong nadeprive ng mga kilig moments the past years kaya ako nagkakaganito ngayon. Or masyado ko lang gusto si Xavier. Baka both. Anong baka? Definitely both.

"Correction, fake asawa and fake tatay ng anak natin." Natin. Natutunaw nako sa upuan ko. "Yeah don't forget fake din yung anak natin." Anak natin. I couldn't imagine I'll be saying those words to Xavier. Potaaa pati sarili ko pinapakilig ko na. "Eh ikaw lang e." Xavier nearly whispered and pinalo ko sya sa braso tapos tumawa sya. "Joke lang. Wag ka masyadong gumalaw dyan, yung baby natin." Inakbayan nya ko at kahit hindi ako kumportable sa ginawa nya, kebs. "Ninong ako ha." I couldn't believe na pati si Nick sumasakay na kay Xavier. Ang nagagawa nga naman ng Boracay. Sila na yung bagong bff. Nagfist bump pa sila along the aisle. Boys. Internal eye-roll.

But eto talaga yung charm ni Xavier. He's able to have anyone and everyone like him kasi he's funny, smart, friendly and well...charming. It helps a lot na gwapo din sya. Biro mo the girl beside me just gave up her seat nginitian lang nya. Tumigil ka Harper, ganyan ka din nahulog sa kanya. Isang ngiti, isang kindat, isang hirit, isang kilig. I never stood a chance from the moment na nginitian nya ko.

Xavier took my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. "Busy ka ba pag weekends?" As if naman. "Check ko yung calendar ko. Pero diba as my assistant alam mo kung anong schedule ko?"

"Weekdays. Pero pag weekends?" I think he's just trying to humor me. Syempre. As always. He already knows that this was the first vacation weekend I've had for a long time. Kung hindi man sinabi sa kanya ni Franco, dahil kilala na nya ko. "Para sayo?" I gave him a sideways glance with a smile.

"Para sa fake mong asawa." He chuckled but I have a feeling he's considering something. OMG don't tell me iniisip nya talaga yung what if? Teka lang, Harper don't get ahead of yourself, ni hindi mo nga sya boyfriend. You're only dating. Pero what if?

Stop.

He was waiting for me to answer him as I swam into my thoughts. I'm already dating him but I was still pining. Why do people always want more pag natikman na nila? He's leaving, Harper. Akala ko ba you just want to spend his remaining time here with him?

And honestly, masaya na ko dun.

I snapped out of my thoughts. "Alam naman nating fake din pag sinagot ko na may buhay ako pag weekends."

"Di naman kailangang maging fake." He trailed and I waited in anticipation. Don't go there, Harper. "Yung buhay mo, I mean. Kaya simula ngayon, akin lahat ng weekends mo." Kahit lahat pa ng araw ko.

"Anong gagawin natin?" For once I was excited for my weekends, na hindi lang dahil gusto kong magpahinga. I now have something to really look forward to. Weekend dates with Xavier. I couldn't help but count in my head our remaining weekends. I think enough naman. Enough to carry it with me habang nandun na sya sa Seattle. Siguro I should also go there to visit him? I'm not going to tell him first since I need to plan it out.

"Surprise." Kumindat sya sakin and kissed my forehead. I'm sure it will. I realized that Xavier has managed to surprise me most of the time. Hindi lang sa lahat ng ginagawa nya but sa lahat din ng sinasabi nya saakin. Actually, simula ng nakilala ko sya.

Bumalik ako dun sa sinabi ni Julian before that I seem to hate surprises. I'm not so keen about it, but with Xavier I'm starting to get excited sa lahat. I seem to openly welcome the building anticipation over everything. "So kamusta yung bakasyon mo?" Franco entered my office first first thing in the morning ng Monday. Daladala nya yung laptop ko to return it to me.

"Okay naman." I tried to keep a straight face but I think I failed. "Ok lang? Eh mukhang nag enjoy ka nga ng sobra e." Franco can see it in my face. I don't know how exactly, baka hindi lang ako mukhang stressed.

"Yeah enjoy naman." Eto nanaman ako, trying to underplay something that concerns Xavier. Konti nalang masasabi ko na kay Franco. I mean yeah totoo na Xavier and I are already dating for real but Franco is my friend so I think I owe him the whole story. Kahit pagtatawanan nya lang ako.

It feels easier to tell him all of it now kasi hindi nako mapapahiya masyado since naging totoo naman na. And I kind of want to ask him what should I do when Xavier leaves pag malapit na. I think isa sya sa mga taong sasalo sakin pag nalungkot nako over it.

"Eh yung lalakeng biglaang nag leave nung Biyernes para sundan ka don nag enjoy din ba?" Franco eyed me teasingly. I cringe-smiled kasi kinikilig ako deep inside and I didn't know how to show it sa lalakeng kaibigan. "Yeah nag enjoy din naman sya. Parang mas excited sya dun sa bakasyon. We tried lots of things." I tried to elaborate. Well Xavier and I did try lots of things. We had our first real date and we tried hard not to keep kissing all the time. Tama si Xavier now I'm the PDA type of girl. Which I couldn't imagine na magagawa ko. Ever. But with him it was easy.

"I bet you did." It was so loaded. Did he know na Xavier was there to tell me he wants to date me? Or nanloloko lang tong si Franco and was pertaining to something else. Specifically, sex.

"Franco, I need to tell you something." I started. Yeah, sabihin mo na. Franco's your office best friend. "Xavier and I weren't really dating. Well not at first. We pretended here kasi he needed to post me sa social media because we were pretending to be a couple sa family ko. I kind of slipped when we saw my parents and pinakilala ko syang boyfriend ko." It was the general gist of everything and I'm sure Franco will just ask the details he wanted to know. I'm so glad na nasabi ko na to sa kanya.

"Harper.."

Inunahan ko na sya. "Oo na, it was pathetic. Pero I swear I never intended it to go on for as long as it did. Ohmygod naimbita pa sya sa kung ano anong family gatherings. You saw naman yung birthday ng ate ko. He even got invited sa kasal ni Hilda. And definitely hindi ko intention na pati dito sa office yun ang iisipin nyo." Apologize, Harper. "I'm sorry if hindi ko masabi sayo kasi alam ko pagtatawanan mo ko. And we're really dating now. Di ko alam if you'll think na mas pathetic ako for really liking him dahil sa pagpapanggap namin."

Natawa si Franco and I frowned at him. Eto na. "Harper, I know."

I didn't expect that. "What?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"I know everything." Franco chuckled. "Last year ka pa gustong gusto nyang si Arnaiz he couldn't shut up about you when he first saw you. Excited na excited sya nung pinagkamalan mo syang assistant kaya pinayagan ko na. And I also knew about the pretending part sa pamilya mo." He looked like gusto nanaman nyang tumawa pero dahil yung itsura kong masyadong gulat, di nya matuloy kasi baka magalit ako sa kanya.

"What the hell all this time alam mo???" Binato ko sya ng ballpen na nasalo nya easily. Ayan natawa na sya finally.

"Alangan namang pangunahan ko? Kung sinabi ko na alam ko e di nahiya ka ng ituloy diba? Saka he likes you. I can't ruin this for him. And for you." My god ano kayang buhay ko kung wala si Franco? For the past years after naming mag date, he turned into the brother I never had.

"So was I pathetic?" I wanted to know his opinion.

"No. Lalu na kung masaya ka. Harper, it doesn't matter kung paano kayo nag simula, or rather kung paano mo sya nasimulang magustuhan. I'm just happy this finally worked out." See? Kuya.

"Saka sa totoo lang gaano ka kamanhid na hindi mo nakita kung gaano ka kagusto nyan?" He laughed again. Nangaasar na sya sakin kung gaano ako ka clueless. "But I guess kasi wala kang oras non for anything else. Puro trabaho. At least ngayon medyo magkaka buhay ka na." He looked sincerely happy for me.

I couldn't stress it well enough-everyone close to me knows that I had no life outside my work. Did they pity me? They all knew what I was depriving myself of, which I missed since I was too busy proving to my parents that I was right about my choices in life.

"So, nahulog ka din?" Franco now teased me. Binato ko sya ng pangalawang ballpen which finally bounced off his forehead. He ruined the moment sa pang aasar nya.

Our friendship will always be like this. Yin and Yang.

"May backpack ka ba?" What a strange question for Xavier to ask. We're out on a date after work. He took me out to eat samgyupsal. Which I've only eaten once with Jem and Liv. Parang tanga diba?

Honestly I was reluctant to try it at that time kasi I was turned off by the idea of me paying to eat something that I have to cook. E di sana sa bahay nalang ako kumain kung gusto kong magluto. Liv and Jem laughed at what I said saying I was being too Harper and dragged me anyway and promised na sila nalang magluluto.

I chewed my food slowly trying to recall if ever bought a backpack. Syempre nung college ako meron I wasn't sure if I have one now. "I think I left it at my parents' house. So kung manghihiram ka, asa kang babalik ako don." Yeah ibibili ko nalang sya kesa bumalik ako sa bahay na yon. Three things that would make me go back there would be:

1. If someone literally drags me there. By my hair.

2. If dun gagawin yung kasal ni Hilda.

3. If someone dies.

The third one was too morbid and syempre ayoko namang mangyari, kahit pa kay Holly. They're still my family but I will hold on to my promise and my sanity by not going back there. "Lalake ako, sa tingin mo wala akong backpack? I was asking for you." He rolled his eyes at me. "Aba malay ko ba. Ang weird at ang random ng tanong mo e." Inirapan ko din sya. "May traveling bag ka ba? Bukod sa luggage."

"Ohmygod saan tayo pupunta?" My eyes lit up. Excited nanaman ako.

"Around. Stop ruining the surprise. Ayaw mong sumasagot ng tanong no?" He chuckled at me. Buti nalang mahaba pasyensya nya about everything. He'll need all of it to bear with my poor dating skills.

"Wala akong backpack Architect. Ohmygod you're not taking me hiking are you? If you are, papabuhat ako sayo paakyat kung saan man yan." I cringed. I've never tried hiking dahil baka gumapang lang ako paakyat and gumulong lang pababa.

"Kailangan kitang buhatin? Sige hiking nalang." He eyed me playfully as always and wiggled his eyebrows. "Kung yan ang gusto mo, lasingin mo nalang ulit ako. Di natin kailangang umakyat kung saan mang bundok."

"Ayoko, wala ka nanamang maaalala ulit e. Although kung kakandong ka sakin, pwede na din." He said thoughtfully not letting go of his playful smile. Cute.

"Gusto mo kumandong nako sayo ngayon e." I smiled at him and kinindatan sya. Like how he usually does to me.

"Huy relax lang Ms. PDA, baka maskandalo yung mga tao dito." He chuckled at what I said, pretending to look around sa mga taong nakapaligid saamin. "Wala ka pala e." I retorted.

He roared with laughter at what I said. It was my turn na asarin sya. I welcomed the carefree feeling. It was now easier na makipag biruan kay Xavier kasi we were finally real.

"Ah yan gusto mo ah. Kumandong ka sakin buong gabi. Waiter! Magbabayad na kami!" He bit his lip and raised his hand habang nakatitig lang sakin. Ako naman ngayon yung natawa ng malakas sa ginawa nya.

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Dating him was so easy and I think ngayon lang ako sumaya ng ganito. I was smiling and laughing all the time pag kasama ko sya. And syempre kinikilig sa lahat ng mga hirit nya sakin. Well napapangiti and kinikilig ako pag naiisip ko lang sya even if he's not around.

"O, kumandong ka na sakin ngayon." Xavier faced me as soon as we were inside his car. Araw-araw na nya kong sinusundo at hinahatid.

I sat up straight sa sinabi nya and he started his car. "What habang nagddrive ka?" Napalaki yung mata ko. Could we even do that? Safety issues suddenly ran quickly in my head. I couldn't control overthinking minsan. "Sinong nagsabing aalis na tayo?" He smirked.

Di ko kinakaya to. I swear namamatay na ko sa kilig one of these days.

"Wala ka pala e." He challenged. I rolled my eyes and I launched myself sa kanya and he 'ooffed'. "Excited ka love?" He asked me amusingly as he took me in his arms and I adjusted myself on his lap.

"Sabi mo kandong diba? Mangawit ka ngayon." He was about to say something back at me and I stopped him by kissing him.

It wasn't exactly PDA, but what we were doing was really thrilling for me. Natatawa ako sa sarili ko while we were kissing upon realizing what Xavier has turned me into.

Every kiss was heavenly for me. I could kiss him for hours. Hell, I could even kiss him forever. If totoo man yung forever. I said dating him was easy, but drowning in him was way easier and effortless. And this was the only kind of drowning that I didn't want to be saved from.

"I think dapat you should push it all the way down."

"Harper don't you think I'm pushing?"

I was glad Xavier decided to come up sa condo ko nung hinatid nya ko Thursday night after work. We're leaving tomorrow after work para pumunta kung saan man nya ko dadalhin.

"Ano ba naman kasi tong mga dala mo? Binigyan kita ng listahan diba?" Xavier frowned at my overflowing things sa backpack ko. He decided to help me pack when I mentioned earlier na feeling ko I didn't buy a big enough backpack for our weekend trip.

"E kasi ayaw mong sabihin kung saan tayo pupunta so I want to be prepared for everything." I smiled at him sheepishly.

I went overboard with his list. With about 5 extra shirts, 3 dresses, my make up bag, 2 more shorts and 2 extra bathing suits. I never traveled light since I'm wired to be prepared for anything. Except Xavier. He will always be the one I wasn't prepared for.

"Hindi pa ba clue enough yung bathing suit?" Xavier started taking out yung mga gamit ko from my bag that I stuffed there and opened his phone kung nasan yung listahan that he forwarded yesterday before I packed.

Ang cute nya as he skimmed through my folded clothes after spreading it all on my bed and concentrated on his list ng nakakunot yung noo nya. We was so into this. I was grinning widely habang pinapanood ko sya. "Pumili ka ng apat na t-shirts. Bakit siyam to?" Natawa ako at the way he looked at me. Parang galit na tatay na nauubusan na ng pasenya. "Harper wag kang magpacute. Di mo ko madadala dyan magbabawas tayo ng gamit mo." Nginusuan ko lang sya then I picked four shirts as he said. We worked down his list and more than half ng gamit ko na pinilit kong pagkasyahin sa bag was already eliminated.

"Everytime ba na aalis tayo, ako mag eempake ng gamit mo?" He flourished my closed backpack after a few minutes of rolling my things and stowing them inside. He was so smug about this. I can't believe na dito pa sya seryoso. "Sa pag eempake ka walang chill?" I gave him an amused look. "Anong sinasabi mo? I was totally chill." He denied. "Cute mo mag deny." I just commented kasi alam naman nya kung paano nya tignan kanina yung mga gamit kong dala na hindi ko naman dapat dalhin.

"Mas cute ka parin mag pigil ng feelings mo para sakin." Ayan bumalik na sya sa pang aasar. I rolled my eyes. Ang yabang. Pero totoo naman yon.

"Nagsalita ang may crush sakin last year pa." I made a face at him.

"Never kong dineny yon, FYI. Tanong mo pa buong opsina." He was still smug. I smiled widely kitang-kita sakin na kinikilig ako. I didn't need to hide it anymore. "Okay tatanong ko bukas sa office." As if Harper.

"Wala silang ibang isasagot sayo kundi na hopeless lang kitang tinitignan pag naglalakad ka sa harap ng area namin. Ng isang taon."

"Lakas mag pakilig." I stuck my tongue out at him but I was really pleased about the fact na matagal na nya kong gusto.

"Kinikilig ka?"

Matagal na Xavier.

"I think obvious naman masyado yon." I said sarcastically.

He pulled me to stand up and face him. "Kung ganon, papakiligin pa kita." He licked his lips and leaned down to kiss me. Tumigil nanaman yung mundo ko.

"Malapit na tayo?" I think mga pang limang beses ko ng tinanong sa kanya. It was rather dark sa labas so wala akong idea kung nasaan na kami. All I know is somewhere north kasi pinipilit akong matulog ni Xavier bago kami makarating ng NLEX. He still refused to tell me kung saan kami pupunta.

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"Malapit na po madam." I can feel Xavier rolling his eyes but he was smiling.

Sa La Union nya ko dinala. I've never been here and I can't believe it. Well not so much kasi wala naman akong pinupuntahan. I'll just probably wait na hilahin ako ni Jem at Liv papunta dito. Dahil gabi kami dumating, Xavier said na bukas pa kami makaka surf. Sa totoo lang deep inside kinakabahan ako.

Alam mo yung may naiimagine kang bagay na feeling mo magaling ka if you try it? For me it's surfing. Pero nung naririnig ko na yung alon, mukhang mali ako. Malamang mali ako.

We checked in sa beachfront hostel. I think Charlie's yung name. I was really too busy taking in everything. Madaming taong nagiinuman sa area. Again, it was very chill. Reggae music was even playing from their bar.

"May kasama tayong mga ibang tao sa kwarto ha." Inakbayan ako ni Xavier nung nakuha na nya yung keycard sa kwarto namin, dala dala nya yung bags namin paakyat sa kwarto. "I think I know what 'hostel' means." I was sarcastic but I smiled at him.

"Okay smart-ass, tara. Pinili ko talaga to kasi turn on sayo yung PDA e." He joked.

"Mas pabor pa pala sayo."

"Nakaka hawa ka e. Pero wag kang magpanggap na ayaw mo yon." Kumindat sya sakin before we entered the room. It was empty but we saw bags na nakalagay sa apat na double decks. In fairness it was very clean and cute yung double decks not the fully opened ones you see sa dorms. May curtains each so may privacy naman.

"Anong gusto mong gawin? Gusto mong uminom sa baba?" Xavier asked as soon as nalagay namin yung gamit namin. I took the lower bunk habang sa taas sya. "Not really. Gusto kong umpisahan yung PDA na yan." I pulled him to kiss him. Natawa sya through our kiss.

We ended up sleeping sa iisang kama. Kasi obviously, clingy ako.

The following morning, we dressed up for surfing. Xavier gave me a pink rash guard. Early congrats-you-survived-surfing gift daw. Hindi lang ako mali sa naiisip ko kagabi, I was SO wrong. I suck at surfing, but it was so fun. Nakakatayo naman ako sa surfboard but the wipeouts outnumbered the successful ones. Well syempre si Xavier was good at it parang gusto ko nalang syang panoorin. Like yung mga babaeng kasabay namin sa basic surfing tutorials. Masyado syang gwapo for his own good lahat ng babae tumitingin sa kanya.

"Galing ah." He gave me a high-five pagtapos namin.  "Nangiinis ka ba? I was so terrible out there." I couldn't help but laugh at myself remembering all my awkward attempts.

"Hindi natin goal yung maging competitive surfer ka. The whole point of this is for you to try it." He kissed my forehead. A consolation prize. But tama sya. Surfing was just something I would imagine doing but would not actually do. Kaya nagiilusyon akong magaling ako don, kasi sa imagination ko lang sya ittry.

I removed my rash guard. Pag tapos ko, naka titig lang si Xavier sakin. "What?" I asked.

"Wag mo ng gagawin ulit yan." He pushed the side of his cheek with his tongue parang aliw na aliw nanaman sya saakin.

"What? Magtanggal ng rash guard? Why? It's too wet lalamigin ako." Kumunot yung noo ko. I didn't really get what he's saying.

“Inatake kaming lahat ng nakakita sayo. Feeling ko nag slow motion ka pa e." He complimented me.

Would I get used to him saying things like this? No.

We sat down sa shore watching the real surfers dun sa mas malayong part. Naka upo ako between his legs and nakayakap sya sakin from my back resting his chin sa balikat ko. I could stay like this for the whole day. I wish I can freeze time. Para hindi na sya aalis.

I can't say that. I want him to leave para gawin yung mga dapat nyang gawin. I sighed and turned around to face him. "Thank you for bringing me here." I tried to say with a smile but I was sad about the feeling that we have a countdown. "You're welcome. Madami pa tayong gagwin. Teka bakit parang malungkot ka pa?"

Do I tell him what I was just thinking?

"Wala, mamimiss lang kita." I smiled. I wished we had more time. Eto na yung sinasabi ko about wanting more. I couldn't help but be selfish deep inside. Of course he knew what I was talking about.

He took my face gently in both his hands. "Leaving you would be the hardest thing I'll ever do, trust me." He said it with deep sincerity. "Pag sinabi ko bang babalikan kita, mahihintay mo ko? And if you say yes, babalikan talaga kita, I promise." Who can say no to a promise like this?

I was alone for a long time and I've been waiting unconsciously for him to come into my life. Someone I didn't even know I could ever need to exist. Someone I desperately want in order to exist. So I don't have any other answer to his question. Every inch of my being screamed 'yes'. Kahit na gaano pa katagal yan.

"Yes." I smiled.

He returned my smile and kissed me. I think I bared all me feelings with just one word. Yes. Wala akong hindi mabibigay sa kanya. I was completely his.

Two years, three, five years, it doesn't matter. I was his.