RoomHate

It was Friday night, and Justin had already left for his gig at Sandy’s. He was supposed to be leaving early the next morning to head back to New York. While I’d originally told him I wouldn’t be going to see him perform, I was seriously second-guessing my decision. Who knew if and when he’d be back? After all, he’d come for some alone time only to find Bea and I wreaking havoc on his life. I’m not sure I would choose to return if I were him.

I suddenly turned to Bea. “Do you want to go see Uncle Justin play?”

“Will you promise to be good?”

I placed her in the crib before impulsively tearing my clothes off, worried that if I didn’t hurry up, I’d wuss out and decide to stay home. I put on a red dress that I hadn’t worn since before I was pregnant and slipped breast pads inside my bra to avoid wet spots. I styled my hair into loose curls and applied my makeup. Within minutes, Bea and I were dressed and in the car.

Returning to Sandy’s gave me the jitters. I hadn’t been back since last summer. I was also inexplicably nervous for Justin to see me in the audience when I’d already told him I wouldn’t be there.

He was in the middle of a song I didn’t recognize. As usual, the crowd was transfixed on him with women creeping up closer and closer to the front just to be near him and get a better look at his beautiful face while he sang. It was always so emotional for me to watch him perform. Thankfully, Bea was behaving in her carrier, allowing me to soak in every moment of being here.

I made my way to the mahogany bar to say hello to Rick the bartender who gave me a glass of seltzer on the house. Relaxing in my seat, I closed my eyes and cherished the sound of Justin singing as he began a cover of Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones. That haunting song seemed made for his voice. When I felt my eyes getting watery, I cursed at myself. Why did I always get so sentimental whenever he sang? It just always felt like every word of every song had meaning and could somehow be applied to my experiences with him.

Sure enough, halfway through the song, Bea started to cry. This was not the kind of song that masked the frenzied cries of an infant very well. A lot of heads were turning toward me. There were whispers, probably people wondering why I’d brought a baby to this kind of establishment in the first place.

Hot flashes permeated my body. Even though he continued through the song flawlessly, Justin’s gaze travelled over to my corner of the room. Our eyes locked. I was mortified for having interrupted this beautiful song. When it finished, I started to head toward the back room. Justin gestured with his hand to tell me to stay. I continued down the hall anyway until his voice through the mic stopped me in my tracks.

“So that baby you hear crying is actually special to me. Her name is Bea. Her mom is Amelia, who’s also special to me—one of my oldest friends. Anyway, would you believe that this is Amelia’s very first night out since Bea was born more than three months ago? Amelia didn’t want to come here tonight. She was afraid that people would stare at her if the baby started crying. I told her not to worry, that the people here were kinder and more understanding than that. She didn’t take my word for it, but she took a chance and came anyway. Believe me when I say…she hasn’t had it easy. She’s doing a hell of a job raising that little baby all by herself. I think she deserves a night out, don’t you?”

Raucous applause followed, and Justin motioned for me to come to him. Bea was still screaming.

“Give her to me…the carrier, too,” he said away from the mic.

Justin placed the Baby Bjorn across his chest and slipped Bea inside before securing her. My baby girl was exactly where she wanted to be and finally calmed down. Of course, she did.

He repositioned his guitar to accommodate her and started to sing a song that at first sounded like a lullaby. Then I recognized it as Dream a Little Dream. I couldn’t contain the smile on my face as I watched Bea up there with him.

The women in the crowd were gushing. If they thought they loved him before, now their ovaries were absolutely combusting. The applause from the crowd was the loudest on record after he finished.

When Justin took Bea out of the carrier, her butt was facing the microphone. Magnified by the mic, a sound that mimicked an explosion rang out through the restaurant. It quickly occurred to me that all of these people were just witness to my daughter’s explosive diarrhea.

Justin completely lost it. As he handed her back to me, he was laughing along with everyone else. He whispered, “Bea just busted serious ass.”

“I’d better go change her.”

As I was walking away, he stopped me. “Amelia.”

“Yes?”

“You look beautiful.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I tried.” Even though I brushed his compliment off, I hadn’t felt beautiful until that moment. Now my heart was beating a mile a minute.

***

The next morning, when we woke up, Justin was gone. There was a note on the kitchen counter.

It was the first night you both slept. I didn’t have the heart to wake you before I left. Take care of Bea. I’ll see you soon.

An entire week went by with no word from him.

I tried not to overreact. After all, we weren’t his responsibility. The loneliness just seemed so much worse now that I knew what it felt like to have someone around. Bea’s insomnia was worse than before, too. I honestly think she missed him. So did I.

In an act of desperation, I called my mother and asked if she would be willing to stay with me for a week or so. She’d only been at the beach house for three days, and I was already wanting to shoot myself in the head. She spent more time on the phone with her boyfriend or on the upper deck smoking her Benson and Hedges cigarettes than she did with Bea and me. It was stupid of me to hope that her becoming a grandmother would change her selfish ways.

While she did manage to watch Bea so that I could get a few hours of sleep each night, inviting her to stay with us turned out to be a mistake. On the last night of her stay, rather than spend quality time with Bea, she chose instead to badger me about taking legal action against Adam.

“When are you going to force that guy to pay up, Amelia?”

Right after Justin left, I’d taken Bea to have her blood drawn. Adam also went to a lab in Boston, and it was confirmed yesterday that he was definitely her biological father.

“I don’t want to put Bea through dealing with him right now. He has to make the first move as far as I’m concerned. He’s been so mean that I don’t even want him in her life.”

“Well, you’re not going to be able to support yourself much longer. You need to get a man even if it’s not him.”

“I’m not going to bring a man into Bea’s life just to use him for financial support. I’ll find a way to take care of myself.”

I’m not you.

“Good luck doing that on a teacher’s salary.”

“At least I have a respectable career to fall back on. I’m sure you think it’s better for me to just not work, mooching off strange men like you did. Thank goodness my father was one of the good ones. But I can assure you, I will never put Bea through the kind of childhood I had, with men coming and going.”

“You act like you were abused. Your childhood wasn’t that bad.”

“You wouldn’t know. You were absent for most of it.”

“Did you really invite me here to fight, Amelia?”

“I need to sleep. You’re leaving tomorrow. Let’s stop fighting. Do you mind staying up with Bea so I can get a few hours in?”

“Sure. Go ahead.”

I figured I might as well take advantage of her last night here. She probably wouldn’t come back after this tumultuous experience.

A few hours later, something disrupted my sleep. It was well past midnight. The faint sound of people talking downstairs seemed to register. My mother was supposed to be watching Bea, so who the hell was in my house?

Panic struck, and I crept down the stairs, stopping midway when I realized the other voice was Justin’s.

He’d come back?

The conversation that ensued between him and my mother completely blew me away as I hid in the stairwell listening to them.

“What are you doing here?”

“This is my house,” Justin said.

“Which is a joke, by the way. This house should have been left to me.”

“Did you come here on your own, or did your daughter invite you?”

“Amelia asked me to come.” She paused then said, “God, you turned out to be fucking hot,” my mother said.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re like a better looking version of your father. I wish I were fifteen years younger. Unless you like older women…”

“Are you fucking serious right now, Patricia? Haven’t you done enough damage to our lives? Amelia invited you here to help with the baby, and I find Bea by herself in the living room while you’re smoking on the fucking deck. Now, you’re trying to pick me up?”

“Calm down. I was just kidding.”

“I really wish I believed you were. Do you have any idea what Amelia’s been through these past few months? She’s doing the best she can. She doesn’t deserve this shit. You should have been offering to help from day one, but honestly, she’s better off without it.”

I’d had enough. I made my way down the stairs and said, “Mom, I think it’s best if you leave tonight.”

“Tonight? I was planning to leave in the morning anyway.”

“Yes. But that was before I knew Justin would be back. This is his house, and you’re upsetting both of us. And why were you out on the deck when you were supposed to be watching the baby?”

“She was sleeping. It’s no big deal.”

“Nothing is ever a big deal to you!”

“You’re seriously asking me to leave right now in the middle of the night?”

“No. I’m telling you to leave. Please. You’re my mother and I love you, but you’re fucked up, and you’ll never change.”

“I can’t believe this,” my mother huffed before quietly heading upstairs to pack her things.

When she returned, she lifted Bea out of the carrier she was sleeping in, intentionally waking her up to kiss her. Bea started crying as my mother handed her to me before walking out the door without saying anything further.

When the door shut, I closed my eyes feeling like I was going to cry right along with the baby. Then, I felt Justin’s arms wrap around me.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“I wasn’t sure if you were coming back.”

He took Bea from my arms. As expected, she immediately calmed down. But something unexpected also happened, something that she’d never done before. Her little mouth spread into a wide toothless smile as she looked up at him.

“Oh my God, Justin. She’s smiling at you!”

“Has she never smiled before?”

“There have been times I thought maybe was smiling but wasn’t sure if it was just gas. But there is no doubt about this one. That is most definitely a smile!”

He seemed to be in awe as she continued to grin at him. “Maybe she didn’t think I was coming back.”

She wouldn’t be the only one.

“We’re both happy you’re back.”

***

The next morning when I came downstairs carrying Bea, Justin had already made coffee. The smell of the freshly-ground beans mixed with his musky scent was a great way to start the day. I noticed that there was also a new Keurig machine set up on the counter.

“Where did that come from?”

“I brought it back from my apartment in the city. That way I can make coffee fusion for myself and half-caf in the coffee maker for you.”

“That was very thoughtful.”

When he handed me my steaming mug, something dawned on me. “What did you use in this? We were out of cream. I haven’t had a chance to go to the market.”

“I used milk instead.”

“We didn’t have milk.”

He pointed with his thumb to the fridge. “There was a glass bottle of milk in there.”

Covering my mouth, I said, “I didn’t buy regular milk. Justin…that was my breast milk! I pumped it and poured it into an empty glass bottle. The only good thing my mother did for me while she was here was buy me a breast pump. I’ve been practicing using it.” Cracking up, I pointed into the coffee. “You just put my breast milk in this!”

“Not only that…I already drank two cups with your breast milk. I’m on my third.”

I covered my mouth again. “Oh my God!”

He took a sip of his coffee. “It’s fucking good.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah…it’s sweet. I can see why Bea drinks it like crack.”

“Are you joking?”

“No.”

“You’re nuts. I’m not drinking this.”

“How much of that shit can you make per day? We can sell it.”

“You’d better be joking.”

“About selling it…yes. About drinking it? No. And I don’t want to share with anyone but Bea.”

“You’re sick.”

He winked. “You’re just figuring this out?”

It was so good to have him back.

***

A week later, it was a typical weeknight evening at home. Justin was playing at Sandy’s while Bea and I stayed in. She was being super quiet as she played with her mobile on the floor, so I decided to peruse the Internet while lounging on the couch with my laptop.

I’d been avoiding going on Jade’s Facebook page because I didn’t want to see pictures from his trip back to New York that would only upset me. Somehow, I’d ended up on her profile anyway, looking through her recent posts. Much of it was the same as always: scenes from backstage, theater friends out on the town after performances, pictures with fans. There was one thing, however, that was far from expected. Jade had recently changed her relationship status from “in a relationship” to “single.”

They broke up?

My heart was beating out of control.

When did this happen?

She’d also posted a cryptic status right around the time that Justin came back to Newport: “To New Beginnings.”

They’d ended it while he was in New York! He’d been back for a week and hadn’t told me. Why would he have kept it a secret? My mind was racing. Was he EVER planning to tell me?

I stayed in the same spot in the living room, waiting for him to get home. When the doorknob turned, I straightened in my seat.

Justin put down his guitar next to the door and hung up his jacket. “What’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you and Jade broke up?”

He let out a slow breath and joined me on the couch. “How did you find out?”

“She changed her relationship status on Facebook.”

Letting out another deep breath, he said, “Things had been off for a while. We’d just been growing apart over the past year. The reason I came to Newport early was to have some alone time to think. That was when I found you and Bea here.”

“I don’t understand. I thought you were in love with her.”

“No.”

“No? Why did you always tell her you loved her then? Isn’t that misleading?”

“I thought I loved her at one time. So, yes, we told each other we loved one another. Once you start saying that word, it just becomes commonplace to use it. It gets abused and loses its value. We had a good relationship for a while, but it was never gonna work long term.”

“Why?”

“We’re too different. She’s so caught up in the theater world right now. There was no time for us to work on the problems we had.”

“And she wanted kids,” I added.

“That, too.”

I swallowed. Even though I’d known how he felt about kids, a part of me had hoped being around Bea might have shown him that it wasn’t so terrible.

“You guys didn’t sound like you had any problems. Just the opposite, in fact. I had to block my ears anytime she was home.”

“The sex was good. We never had issues in that area. But it takes something deeper than that to last forever with someone. I didn’t want to waste her time. Time is precious.”

“So, it was you who broke up with her?”

“Yes. I was the one who ended it.”

I actually felt really badly for Jade. I knew what it felt like to have strong feelings for this man, and she was a good person. She didn’t deserve to be dumped.

“That was the reason for your trip to New York?”

“My feelings had been weighing on me. I didn’t want to go through the whole summer like that. Now she can be free to do whatever she pleases.”

“And you?”

He hesitated before saying, “The same.”

My body didn’t know how to react, whether to feel relief or nausea. Was this a good thing or a bad thing? I honestly didn’t know. Justin being single now meant that he could potentially be playing the field, bringing girls home, taking advantage of all of the wanton women gushing over him at Sandy’s. I couldn’t deal with that. In a strange way, knowing he was committed to Jade always brought about a bittersweet solace because at least there was only one woman to worry about. Now there could potentially be many.

At the same time, this could be an opportunity for me to finally have a chance to be with him. I quickly shook that thought from my head, knowing full well that it was a longshot. He didn’t want kids; he was emphatic about that. I now came with one, and there would be no chance in hell he would go for that kind of package deal. Then, it occurred to me that maybe he was intentionally keeping the breakup from me to avoid any expectations on my part. That was it!

“Why did you keep this from me, Justin?”

“I was going to tell you.”

“When?”

“I don’t know.”

“My knowing doesn’t change anything between us if that’s what you think. I don’t expect anything from you, especially now.”

“What do you mean by especially now?”

“I mean…maybe if I hadn’t had Bea…” I shook my head. “Never mind.”

“Say what you were gonna say.”

“Things might be different if I didn’t have a child. Maybe we could have seen where things went.”

He looked like he was struggling with what to say next. “You’re no less attractive because you have a child. Don’t ever think that. But you are right about one thing. Any man you end up with needs to be one-hundred percent ready for that responsibility.” He pointed over to Bea who was kicking her legs around as she continued to play on the rug. “It wouldn’t be fair to her otherwise.”

He was right.

As my head hit the pillow that night, I’d never felt more confused about what tomorrow would hold.