RoomHate

He turned his head away from me. “What the fuck, Amelia. Put down the knife and cover your tit.”

His surprise arrival had startled me so much that I hadn’t even realized that one of my breasts was sticking out of my nursing bra. I wasn’t wearing a shirt because I rarely slept with one. It was easier to nurse her in just the bra. With Bea in one arm, I walked over to the kitchen and grabbed my cardigan off of one of the stools before covering myself up.

The scene was chaotic as I fumbled with my sweater and spoke through Bea’s excruciating cries, “What are you doing here?”

“Do you always hang around the house in just a bra now? If so, we’re gonna have a problem.”

“I didn’t think you’d show. It’s earlier in the season than you arrived last year. Why didn’t you call me first?”

“For one, I didn’t think you’d be here. I needed to escape the city for a while. I was gonna spend a couple of weeks opening up the house, getting it ready before you arrived.”

Bea’s cries hadn’t waned. I bounced her up and down in an attempt to calm her.

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She’s colicky. I can’t produce enough milk to satisfy her, and she won’t take formula.”

He slowly approached where I was standing and took a peek at Bea’s face. His mouth curved into a slight smile. “She looks like you.”

“I know.”

Now that he was close to me, he took a good look at me as well. “Jesus Christ, Amelia.”

“What?”

“You look like you’ve been through a war.”

“That’s another way of saying I look like shit?”

“Your eyes are bloodshot…hair is knotted. Fuck. You’re a mess.”

“You don’t think I’m aware of that?”

“Have you been sleeping?”

“No. I get very little sleep. She’s going through a rough patch, keeps me up at night and sleeps sporadically during the day.”

“You’ve got the rough patch part right.”

“Very funny.”

“You can’t live like this.”

“What exactly do you suggest I do?”

“You can start by taking a shower.”

“I can’t just leave her crying like this.”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe she’s crying because you stink?” He chuckled.

I was speechless for a moment before breaking out into laughter at my own expense. My God. He could technically be right.

“You might have a point.”

“I’ll hold her while you bathe.”

“Really? You’d do that?”

“I said I would.”

“Have you ever held an infant?”

“No.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“I can handle it.”

There was no way I could pass up this opportunity. The thought of a hot shower right now seemed absolutely heavenly.

Handing her carefully to Justin, I warned, “Watch her head. Make sure it doesn’t bend too far back. Support her neck with your arm.”

“I’ve got it.”

Bea looked so tiny in his big arms. She seemed to like being there too; the little bugger stopped crying.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“What?” he asked.

“Haven’t you noticed that she stopped crying?”

“I told you. Maybe you smell.”

“Maybe.” I laughed. “Or it could just be that you’re a chick magnet, and that title extends to infants as well.”

He rocked his body back and forth to soothe her and waved me off. “Shh. Go, Amelia. Before she loses it again.”

“Okay.” I turned around at the foot of the stairs. “Thank you…so much.”

Upstairs, as the hot water poured down on me, I thanked God for Justin showing up when he did. I had really been on my last leg of sanity. Much like he’d always done when we were kids, Justin came through exactly when I needed it. Even if it wasn’t intentional, he was my hero tonight.

Feeling somewhat human again, I stepped out of the shower and got dressed as fast as I could. The fact that it was quiet downstairs didn’t escape me. Still, I felt like I needed to get dressed fast in case Justin was losing patience—or worse, if Bea had pooped.

The reality when I got downstairs was far from what I imagined. Bea’s back was rising and falling as she lay stomach down on Justin’s chest. She was out like a light. He was just sitting on the couch, and things were as peaceful as could be. When he saw me approaching, he held his index finger to his mouth to signify that I should be quiet.

Sitting down on the couch next to him, I just stared in amazement. He didn’t even have to do anything except exist, and he was somehow able to get her to sleep. Who knew that Justin “I Don’t Ever Want Children” Banks was the Baby Whisperer.

He turned to me. “Why don’t you go sleep?”

“What if she wakes up?”

“I’ll deal with it.”

“She’ll wake up wanting to eat.”

“Then I’ll bring her upstairs if that happens. For now, she’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Amelia…”

“Yeah?”

“Does it look like we’re going anywhere anytime soon?” He shooed me away. “Go!”

“Thank you,” I mouthed before heading upstairs.

I barely remembered my head hitting the pillow. It was the longest I’d slept straight since the day before my daughter was born.

Six hours later, the sound of Bea crying woke me. Rubbing my eyes, I could see Justin standing in the doorway with her.

“I tried to put off coming up here as long as I could…” He walked over to me and placed her in my arms. “I’ll leave so you can feed her. I’m gonna hit the sack for a bit.”

“Thank you again so much. I needed that sleep so badly.”

“It was no problem.”

After he left, I took out my breast, and Bea latched on immediately. She smelled like him. I breathed in the masculine scent, and a sexual desire that had been long suppressed came alive in me. It felt so good not to be the only adult in this house anymore, but I needed to keep my feelings in check. Whatever it took, I was not going to let myself become obsessive over Justin again. Being responsible for another human being meant I could no longer afford to become an emotional wreck.

***

It was mid-afternoon when Justin came downstairs. Bea was strapped to my chest in the carrier as I cleaned the kitchen.

“Good morning.” I smiled.

“Hey,” he said groggily.

Just like that, my body awakened with an intense need. He was the very definition of scruffy. His hair was disheveled, and in the daylight, it became apparent that he’d been growing out his stubble. A gray fitted t-shirt looked like it had been painted onto his muscles. Don’t get me started on how good his ass looked in those gym pants.

“How is she?” he asked. My body reacted even more as he stepped closer to peek in on Bea.

“She’s asleep.”

“That figures. The sun is shining. I should’ve known.” He searched my eyes. “How are you?”

“I’m feeling good. You were amazing last night.”

“That’s what they always say.” He winked.

Rolling my eyes, I said, “Thank you again.”

“Stop thanking me.” His face turned serious. “You know…all those times I’d asked how you were doing, you told me you were okay. You didn’t look fucking okay to me last night. You were lying.”

“Justin, this whole thing is my responsibility. What is anyone else gonna really do for me?”

“Has your mother even come to visit?”

“She came to the hospital when Bea was born, but she didn’t offer to stay to help. She’s more concerned with things like traveling to Cancun with her boyfriend and hawking those multi-colored leggings all over the Internet, apparently. You know, priorities.”

“Unfuckingbelievable.” He looked around the house then said, “Nana would have helped.”

“Yes, she would have.” I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking of my grandmother before my thoughts shifted to my mother again. “As for Patricia, I don’t want her with me anyway. Having to deal with her would be like taking care of two babies. ”

“She should still have the decency to offer help, even if you refused.”

“I agree.”

He scratched his head. “I forgot to bring my coffee with me. Do you have any lying around?”

“Actually, I stopped drinking coffee fusion when I found out I was pregnant. The withdrawal was killer. I do have some half-caf in the cupboard.”

“I guess that’ll have to do for now.” He glanced over at Bea. “You don’t think all that fusion did anything to her, do you?”

“You mean why her sleeping is erratic?”

“I feel guilty getting you hooked on that shit. Neither of us knew what was going on.”

“Don’t even. It wasn’t your fault. Look at her. She’s fine.”

He rubbed his chin and grinned. “Yeah. She seems alright.”

“I’m gonna try to put her upstairs in the crib. Then, I’ll come down and make some coffee.”

“I’ve got it,” Justin said.

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

After I put Bea down, Justin was preparing two mugs when I returned to the kitchen.

“Still take cream and sugar?” he asked.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“How is she?”

“Sleeping like a baby.”

“Good.” He slid my mug toward me.

I took a sip and asked the question I’d been dying to. “Why didn’t Jade come with you?”

“She’s got a regular role in a new musical called The Alley Cats. She can’t leave the city.”

“She’s not coming at all?”

“I’m not sure.”

“How long are you staying?”

He stirred his coffee and shook his head. “I don’t know.”

Dread filled me. Justin had only been here one day, and I was already sad for the day he’d be leaving me alone again.

“Well, I’m glad you’re here.”

We drank coffee in silence until I noticed Justin staring down at my breasts.

Coughing, he asked, “Did you spill coffee on yourself?”

I looked down and sure enough, breast milk was leaking from my nipples, forming two giant wet spots. “Shit. No. I’m leaking milk. I’d go change, but it’s just gonna happen again until she wakes up.”

“Jesus. I’m so glad I’m not a woman.”

God. I’m glad you’re not a woman, too.

“Welcome to my life.” When he continued to look down, I joked, “You don’t have to look. My eyes are up here.”

“Your tits are massive. You have to know that.”

“Oh, I’m quite aware. It’s a supply and demand issue. The more she drinks—which is all the time—the more I make. It’s all she wants to do when she’s awake.”

“I can’t say I blame her.”

I knew my face was turning red. What was happening to me? I couldn’t be a walking zombie on no sleep and deal with this infatuation again. I didn’t even feel sexy anymore. Nevertheless, I was falling right back into the pattern of lusting after this man.

“Well, even though my breasts are bigger, I’ve lost weight.”

“Oh, I noticed. You haven’t been eating?”

“Not as well as I should. I force myself to eat cheese sticks and raw vegetables, but I’m generally too drained to cook anything substantial.”

“When was the last time you had a home-cooked meal?”

“Can’t even remember. The only times I’ve bothered to cook is when the neighbor brings me seafood from the dock.”

“What neighbor?”

“Roger.”

“Roger.”

“Yes. He moved into the house that was vacant last summer. You know, the blue one?”

“Really…” He glared at me. “What else does he bring you?”

“Coffee sometimes.”

“Let me guess. He’s single.”

“Yes…divorced, but he’s just a friend. He’s been helpful. He actually assembled the crib for me.”

“Right. Of course he did. No guy does that shit without an ulterior motive, Amelia.”

“Not every guy’s the same.”

“And not every fucking girl looks like you. Trust me, that guy is waiting in the wings. Just be aware of that and be cautious.”

Feeling hot from the compliment, I cleared my throat. “Well, it wouldn’t matter if he had ulterior motives or not. Clearly, I’m in no condition to be with a man. I can’t even bathe half the time.”

“You shouldn’t be letting strange men into this house so easily. You’re in a very vulnerable position right now. This guy knows that.”

“Well, I was desperate for help, so…”

“You should have called me.”

“You’re in New York. That wouldn’t have made sense. He’s right next door.”

“I would have come for the day if you needed me.”

“I don’t want to be a burden on you, Justin. I need to find my own way.” Even though a part of me loved that he’d said that, another part was equally confused. “Just last summer you were suggesting that we avoid each other altogether.” My tone was bitter. “Forgive me if you weren’t the first person I thought to call when I needed help.”

His expression darkened. “Fuck, Amelia. Really? You’re gonna bring that up again? Do you really think that was what I truly wanted? I was drunk as shit that night and saying and doing anything I could to keep my fucking dick in my pants. I thought I already explained suggesting that to you was a mistake.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.” I held out my hands. “I don’t want to fight.”

“Good.” He exhaled and changed the subject. “So, I told Salvatore I could play a few nights here and there if he wanted. But I didn’t commit to anything long term.”

“Because you’re not sure how long you’re staying?”

“Right.”

“Well, he must be so happy to have you back even if just for a few nights.”

“Yeah. He was.”

“I wish I could go watch you play.”

“Why can’t you?”

“I can’t take Bea to Sandy’s. She’d start crying in the middle of your songs. And if I had to feed her there, it would be awkward.”

“So what if she cried? People will just have to deal with it. And you could go to the back room to feed her. You need to get the fuck out of the house.”

“Maybe I’ll consider it.”

He suddenly got up and put his mug in the sink. “I’ve got to get some work done. I’ll make dinner tonight, so don’t fill up on too many raw veggies.”

“That’ll be awesome.”

***

Bea slept for at least a few hours that afternoon, allowing me to get laundry and other chores done. Justin spent most of the day holed up in his room working.

When he finally came downstairs, he had just showered and was buttoning his black button-down shirt.

He looked too good to be staying home tonight. “Are you playing at Sandy’s?”

“No. Not tonight.”

“I didn’t think so. It’s just that you’re all dressed up.”

“You remember Tom from Sandy’s?”

“The old night manager?”

“Yeah. I told him I might meet him for a drink later at the Barking Crab. He wants to pick my brain about some music stuff.”

“I see.”

“Why don’t you go upstairs and change before dinner?”

“We’re just eating here, right?”

“Yes, but you have boob milk stains on your shirt. I just thought maybe you’d want to shower and change.”

He was right. I needed to have more pride in how I looked.

“I would love to.”

Justin looked after Bea while I showered. I decided to go all out and put on a tube dress. I brushed my hair out and made up my eyes. It kind of felt like I was getting ready for a date, and I needed to stop that train of thought.

I thought I would find Justin cooking when I returned downstairs. I’d told him to put her in the bouncy seat. Instead, he was holding Bea and rocking back and forth, looking out the window. He didn’t know I’d been watching him.

“I’m back.”

“Oh, hey. She didn’t want to go in the seat, started crying, so we’ve just been watching the sunset.” My heart clenched.

“You need to cook, right?”

“Yeah, but it won’t take very long.”

I reached out my arms, and to my surprise, Bea started to cry in protest when I tried to take her from him. Patting her back, I said, “I don’t think she wanted to leave you.”

“No. It’s just your imagination.”

“Really? Want to test it?” I held her out toward him again.

Justin cradled her in his arms again, and sure enough, Bea stopped crying. She was looking up at him. It seemed the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

“My imagination, huh?”

He smiled down at her. “I don’t know why she likes me. I don’t even do anything but hold her.”

“To a baby, that’s everything.”

Suddenly looking a little uncomfortable, he handed her back to me. “You’d better take her.”

Back in my grasp, Bea started to fuss again, so I took her to the living room and fed her while Justin got dinner started.

There was a knock at the door.

“Are you expecting someone?” Justin hollered from the kitchen.

“No. Do you mind getting it? She’s still eating.” I readjusted the blanket over my shoulder for privacy.

I couldn’t see the front door from where I was sitting, but I could hear everything.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Roger. I live next door. You are?”

Shit.

“Justin. This is my house.”

“Oh, that’s right. She mentioned a seasonal roommate.”

“Can I help you?”

“Is Amelia here?”

“Yes, but she’s feeding the baby.”

“I was just down at the dock. I bought her some shellfish.”

“Amelia! Roger is here. He brought you some snatch,” Justin yelled.

Great.

Covering myself as fast as I could, I shouted, “Coming!”

Trying to seem nonchalant, I said, “Hey!”

“Hi, Amelia. Sorry if I’m disturbing something.”

“No, no not at—”

“Actually, we were just about to eat,” Justin interrupted.

Roger looked annoyed. “How long are you staying, Justin?”

“As long as I need to.”

“Amelia told me your girlfriend is a Broadway star, right?”

“Yes.”

“That’s really gnarly.”

“Gnarly? What the fuck are you a surfer or something?” Justin lifted his hands in a shaka sign. “Woe!”

“Roger, don’t mind Justin. That was really sweet of you to bring the crabs. I so appreciate it.”

“Crabs…interesting choice,” Justin scoffed.

“I’d better let you guys eat.”

“We’ll talk soon.” I smiled.

“Take care, Amelia. Nice meeting you, Justin.”

Justin did a little salute. “Roger that!”

When Justin slammed the door behind Roger, I turned to him. “You’re being a total prick.”

“Come on. I was just messing with him.”

“You think it’s funny, but he’s the only friend I have here, and you’re going to scare him away. After you take off to New York again, I’m going to need someone to talk to. It’s very lonely out here.”

“You don’t need that tool. Why would you need him? You live in Providence anyway.”

Biting my lip, I said, “Actually…I was gonna talk to you about something.”

“About what?”

“I might take a year off…from my teaching job. I got kicked out of my apartment because the owner sold the building. I don’t have a place to live in the city anymore, and I’m not sure I’m ready to put Bea in daycare at the end of the summer. I was going to ask you if it was okay if I stay in this house in the off season.”

“This house is yours. Of course, it’s okay. I would never tell you otherwise. You shouldn’t even have to ask.”

“Alright. Well, now that I got that out of the way, I feel better. Thank you.”

“Dinner’s ready. Put her down so you can eat.”

Justin had poured wine for each of us.

“Oh…I can’t drink, Justin.”

“Shit. I wasn’t thinking.”

“Well, they say I can have one drink, but I’ve still been hesitant.”

“That’s fine. It won’t go to waste.”

Justin had made rice casserole. We were halfway through our meal when Bea started crying from her bouncy seat. When I got up to get her, Justin stopped me.

“Finish your food. I’ve got her.”

“He lifted her and brought her over to the table. As always, she quieted in his arms as she stretched her neck to look up at his face. This time, she reached out her little hand and started to play with his scruff.

“Hey, you trying to say I need to shave?”

Watching him with her always gave me goosebumps.

Don’t go there, Amelia.

Bea started to babble. It almost looked like she was trying to talk to him.

Justin pretended to understand her. “Oh yeah?” When she passed gas, he didn’t even flinch. He just said, “Well, excuse me!”

The whole thing was making me crack up.

After I finished, I took her back from him and fed her on the couch while Justin cleaned up the kitchen. Bea fell back asleep after her meal.

When Justin joined us in the living room, it occurred to me that he’d had plans to go out.

“Aren’t you supposed to be meeting Tom for a drink?”

“Nah. I think I’m gonna skip it. I’m playing tomorrow night. I’ll probably meet up with him after that instead.”

His phone vibrated and he answered, “Hey.”

I wasn’t completely sure who he was talking to until he looked over at me and said, “Jade says hi.”

“Hi, Jade.” I smiled, even though inside I was starting to feel that old familiar jealousy creep in again. Maybe it was a good thing that she called when she did, because a reality check was desperately needed.

Then, he walked away to finish the call in the other room.

When he returned, he said, “I have to go back to New York this weekend.”

My heart felt like it dropped to my stomach. “Oh. Just for the weekend?”

“Maybe a little longer.”