Reboot

William, Dutch and I were staying in the Cottage Grove Hotel as guests of Mayor Rather. There was no service of course. We made our own beds and there were snacks, but when we were hungry, we had to take care of it ourselves or go to the diner. We had to wash our own laundry, clean our own dishes.

We were in the bar. There was no booze in the old sense. That had been emptied long ago. But there was moonshine and beer of course, wine, and music and comfortable chairs, a few people sitting together, talking softly. Some people standing around us, watching, smiling.

“I call, and I raise,” said Dutch.

“You raise what?” asked William. “Your glass?”

“This,” he reverently took out a piece of wood from his bag.

“Wazzat? I asked.

“You can’t tell?”

“It’s a stick,” I said.

“It’s the StrathMorden Wand of Hope, you barbarian.” He looked at everyone around the table with a look that said “What’s wrong with this guy?”

“It’s a stick,” said William.

People around us giggled. More people slowly gathered around.

“It was given to me by an old sage in Siberia. He lived naked in an igloo and the only thing he had to keep him warm and fed was this here magic wand.”

“How come you have it?” I asked.

“That’s a long story. You sure you want to hear it?”

“No,” said William.

Everyone behind us screamed YEESSS!

I answered “Just make it quick, please.”

“Well ok then.” He raised his eyebrows in mock disdain at William.

“I was once involved in a treasure hunt in the deepest, darkest cold of Siberia… “

“Groan”… from both William and I. Giggles from the gallery.

William and I rolled our eyes. “Don’t encourage him. You’ll live to regret it,” I said to our friends behind us.

“I was part of an archeological team sent to investigate a cave that had recently been uncovered up there in northern Kamchatka. Great fishing there by the way. You should go if you ever get the chance. Salmon. Mmmmmm.. Bit chilly though. Anyway we get in there and we’re soon blocked by the deepest, darkest hole taking up the space in front of us in a small passageway. Couldn’t get by it.”

“How did you know it was deep?” I asked.

“I threw a big rock in it and it never made a sound. It never hit bottom.”

“Yikes.”

“So we came back out and went to a nearby village to ask around, get some info you know.. and one man told us that there was a holy man living in an igloo nearby who could tell us how to get further in the cave. So we went there and met this old nekkit man in the snow. After telling him what we wanted, he grabbed my face, his eyes bulged out and he said: “You have to jump in.”

“He spoke English?”

“No. He spoke some weird gibberish and had no teeth. We had an interpreter from the village, with teeth. Stop interrupting me.”

“Sorry,” I said. I looked at William with an expression that said: touchyyyy!

“So then he looks at me with these red eyes and says. “Oåaijgåorigjer..” you know… But he really means this shit. He’s very serious. The interpreter tells me that he says I should just jump in, I’ll be ok, and please bring him back his pants that he lost down there ages ago.”

“Pffffft..” That was from William.

“No it’s true. So we go back in the cave and I stare deep in the black hole, hold my breath and jump in… Now the reason the rock never hit bottom was because of a serious updraft that came from lower tunnels. This updraft carried me softly down to the bottom that was only about three hundred meters down. Landed like a twelve-year-old ballet dancer. We never found any artifacts worth discussing, but I did find the old man’s pants, and when I brought them back to him, he was so happy that he gave me his wand… True story,” he said as he held up his right hand and patted his heart with the left.

“Musta been very special pants,” I said.

“Yes,” agreed Dutch happily.

“OK, fine. I call your naked holy man’s magic toothless wand and raise you this,” I said. Slurring a little.

“Wazzat?” asked Dutch.

“Isn’t it obvious?” I said.

“It’s obviously a rock,” said Dutch.

“It’s the legendary Stone of Ra you ignoramus.” I looked at the people around us with disgust. Like: “can you believe this guy?”

“No it isn’t. It’s a rock.”

William was holding his head with the palm of his hand and just listening, eyes half closed.

“This powerful artifact was handed to me personally by the Queen of Bal Adbed after services rendered,” I said.

“What services?” asked someone behind me.

“Well that’s a long story.”

“Oh Jesus!” whined Dutch.

William bonked his head on the table. He stayed that way for a while. “What are we playing again?” He asked, depressed.

“You want to hear this, right?” I asked the people standing around us.

“Yeeesss! They sang, laughing.

“I was once hired to babysit a child. You know, bodyguard stuff, fairly straightforward. This was during my stay in Egypt a few years ago. I drove the kid to school, drove him home- What I didn’t know at the time was that the kid was the illegitimate child of the Queen whom she’d had with a servant boy. It was a closely guarded secret of course, but she loved the boy like any mother loves her son you know… Anyway, one day I’m waiting for the kid outside the school and he doesn’t show up. I walk in there and they say he was taken ill and sent to the hospital. I knew immediately that there was something fishy. Since when do they send kids straight to the hospital from the nurse’s office in school? So I followed the school nurse home and sure enough, there was the kid. She was going to hold him for ransom.”

“What did you do?” asked Dutch smiling.

“I walked in there and there were only six guys and the nurse, so I took ’em out and brought the kid back to his mom. She was so happy that she gave me the stone, this national treasure, to thank me.”

“Lucky.”

“I’ve always been lucky. I’m a lucky person. I’ve fallen down stairs and roofs shaken but unscathed. I went for a walk in the attic in my summer camp dorm when I was eleven and I fell through the ceiling. I would’ve hurt myself if it wasn’t for Patrick, the kid I fell on. He had to go back home. I’ve been narrowly missed by various cars hurtling out of control, I’ve crashed every vehicle I’ve ever driven (through no fault of mine of course), I’ve even dropped out of the sky on multiple occasions (quite a few paragliding accidents). But I bounce well and I swerve in a timely manner. I’m a good swerver.

So it’s a strange kind of luck. If you and I go hiking together, you’ll get hurt, but I’ll have to carry you down. My kind of luck comes with a price, but still, it’s better than bad luck. I mean I’m still here aren’t I?”

“I fold. I can’t cover your bets anyway, or listen to another one of those stories. All I have is this little box here with dragon’s fart in it,” said William.

“No you don’t.”

“Sure I do. I got it when I …”

“Later,” interrupted Dutch.

I jumped in. “Actually I was just bluffing. It’s just a rock. Lemme see your cards.

Dutch puts down absolutely nothing.

“That’s the worst hand I’ve ever seen.”

“Yeah. That’s how I won the magic wand in the first place. I bluffed.”

Heehee.—

“Now gimme that rock.”

“No way pal. You have to earn it.”

The audience clapped.

______________

Later on we went for a walk to get some privacy. People waved at us as we passed by. We walked quietly for a while. The sun was shining. There were birds. I was thinking about cycles. I guessed that when a balance in a cycle was off, the entire system must slowly realign itself. I was wondering what animals and bugs had disappeared, what adjustments surviving animals had had to make to survive. For example, if birds had been decimated, who was eating all the mosquitoes? The oceans… what happened to the fish? The whales? Plankton? I shook it off… too many unknowns. I thought a study was in order, but that would have to wait.

“That’s what the government should be doing,” I said to myself.

“What?” asked Dutch.

I shook that off too and went with: “So when do we leave to get this race organized? I said.

“No,” said William.

“No what no?” I replied.

“I don’t think you should go. Let Rudy and Tony organize the race. Let their faces be seen. You have to lie low for a bit. Let others spread the word. We need you in one piece.”

“He’d look silly in a one-piece,” said Dutch.

“Ok so what do we do?” I asked.

“Go undercover. You have to disappear. They’re coming after you Robert. As you said? Remember? So you become someone else for a while.”

We walked in silence for a while. I knew he was right. So there was no need to discuss it. But I needed to choose a path. I had to be able to move around, meet people, keep up a media war against Mooney. What could be the best way to do that..

“Can I choose my new name?”

“Yes.”

“I want Trek. Trek Sharksniffer, the race car driver.”

“Done. Dutch? Meet Trek, Trek, Dutch.”

“Pleased to make your incontinence.”

“Likewise Mr. Dutch. Nose to reek you too.”

William smiled.

And that’s how I became a racecar driver. Now I had to learn to drive.