Raulin's Oath

The dream had been the same for the past several days. Arietta stood in a lush green field, the smell of fresh grass mixed with the pleasant scent of clover tickling her nostrils. A warm breeze lifted the hair off of her shoulders, while the sun warmed the skin on her face. In the distance, she could see a mountain range, its tips painted white with snow. The grasses rolled like waves in a vast ocean with the wind giving the scene a hypnotic feel. Arietta took a step, feeling the dampness of the morning dew on her feet and the squish of soil that had recently received rain. She could not remember ever having been here before, yet this place felt like home. She continued walking towards the mountain range, watching dark clouds form, hiding the peaks and promising a storm. Her heart picked up its pace, adrenaline coursing through her veins. A single lightning bolt flashed over the mountains, blinding her for a moment.

***

A large furry head lifted her shoulder, pulling her from her dream and back into her bedroom. A quiet “woof” communicated the sense of urgency as Cooper continued to nudge Arietta from her slumber.

Arietta sighed. “Alright, I’m awake. I’ll let you out.” She smiled and rubbed his head, sitting up and stretching her arms slowly over her head, hearing the pops as her back straightened.

She stood and shuffled across the bedroom, through the kitchen and to the back door. Cooper had been sitting and waiting, not so patiently, having torn through the house as soon as the words “I’ll let you out” had been uttered. He bounced on his front paws, readying himself to sprint to the yard once the door was opened.

“Alright, I’m going as fast as I can,” Arietta exclaimed as she opened the door. Cooper didn’t stick around to hear another comment as he flung himself out the door.

Arietta went to the refrigerator and got out the can of Folgers, opened the lid, and breathed in the pleasant smell of her morning addiction. She placed three scoops into the filter and started the first pot of coffee of the day. She made a piece of toast to enjoy with her coffee. She glanced down at the floor, and the sight stopped her in her tracks. The tile had smudges of dirt in the shape of footprints. Her first thought was that someone had been in her house the night before. This was quickly dismissed, because Cooper would have woken up the neighborhood had a stranger entered her house. Looking down, she noticed that her feet were dirty. Maybe she had been outside last night and didn’t realize that they were dirty before going to bed. How odd.

She sat down and began eating her breakfast, wondering why a sixty-year-old woman would start having weird dreams, when a memory flashed into her mind. This memory was from a time that had been forgotten, dismissed from her mind like a ship disappearing into the mist. She could picture a sterile room, the acrid smell of alcohol attacking her delicate nostrils. The pain radiated through her body coinciding with even the slightest movement. Maybe that was why she had such a hard time remembering those days. Sometimes the mind tried to protect itself from painful memories by making one forget.

Arietta finished her breakfast, then went to the back door to let Cooper in so that he could eat his breakfast. She poured herself a fresh cup of coffee, then made her way into her office and sat down at her desk. She quickly opened her laptop, wanting to record this memory before it faded, and for the first time in three years, she began to write.

***

1972

At this time of day, Arietta’s pain was at its worst. She had just finished her physical therapy and was lying in bed after the nurse that she’d nicknamed “Nurse Ratchet” had come in to give her the meds that lulled her into a restless sleep. This was also the time of day that her grandfather checked in on her.

Grandpa Gus’ appearance was, in a word, comfortable. He wore a red cardigan that covered a white dress shirt with a black tie, and his black fedora. Every day he wore a variation of this outfit, and every day he looked like the perfect gentleman. His hair had long since faded from a dark charcoal to a speckled light gray. He knew at this time, she was probably either asleep or close to it, so he didn’t knock on her door. After entering the room, he took the fedora from his head, setting it with great care on the bedside table, and ran his timeworn hands through his hair. Feeling the obvious dent the hat had left, he chuckled. Arietta stirred at the noise, eyelids struggling to lift. Her vision was blurred, but upon seeing the new frown that her grandfather wore, she wished she could’ve just stayed asleep. Seeing her eyes flickering open, a great sorrow swelled in Gustoff’s heart. How many times had he sat in this seat, watching Arietta suffer through tormented sleep, knowing that he could help her? Though he desperately wanted to help, he feared that Arietta would question his sanity. The prognosis was grim, as this form of juvenile arthritis was extremely aggressive. Over the hushed voices of the doctors and the growing risk of fatality, the situation had become urgent. The fear of Arietta’s death was real, and it became a paralyzing thought that was always on Gustoff’s mind. He was out of options, out of time, and he felt that the doctors were merely going through the motions. The physical therapy wasn’t helping, and chemotherapy was the logical next step, but if her body was too far gone, it would be futile. Time was slipping through his hands, and he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t at least try. He had to convince her to listen, even if that meant she would think he’d gone crazy.

Arietta was still groggy from the medicine and struggled to keep her eyelids open. She was very careful to lie perfectly still as consciousness slowly lifted the fog left from her drug-induced rest. She heard humming, no, it was Grandpa singing softly. She could barely make out the words, as it was as soft as the wind on a warm summer day.

“Good morning, my sweetheart, good morning, my darling, how I love to spend my days with you, though in the night, when I’m cold and lonely.”

She loved his voice, and singing was one thing that made their bond stronger. His sweet baritone notes paired with her chirping soprano was a sound always welcome to her ears.

Arietta joined, adding her quiet raspy voice. “All I have to do is dream of you. Hi, Grandpa Gus, I’ve really missed you.”

“Hi, sweet pea. I’ve missed you too.” The days felt long when constant pain was the girl’s only companion. Gus smiled and asked, “Are you hungry? I can get you something to eat.”

Arietta tried to swallow to ease the burning in her throat, then answered him. “No, but I would love some water.”

“I’ll be right back, kiddo.” She seemed weaker every time he saw her. His idea was crazy, but he knew he would do whatever he must to help her. He only had to think of a way to start such a conversation. She was a smart girl, so he needed to be honest, but she would not believe him. Gustoff had to find a way to show her. He would try before bedtime. First, he must convince her to hold off on taking her medication. He filled a glass with ice, added cold water and a straw to help her drink, then returned to her bedside.

He handed her the water, and she drew it in slowly, a small smile in her eyes. Arietta slowly shifted her position so that she could look at him while they talked. Even this little movement sent jolts of pain shooting through her body. The sickness had progressed, as she became weaker from each passing day. She fought a wince, hating to show the weakness to her worried grandpa. She saw the pained look on his face and despised the fact that he had to look to the window every time she moved so that he didn’t have to bear witness to her suffering. The icy water felt wonderful sliding down her dry throat. The medicine sucked every drop of moisture from her and left her feeling like a dry husk.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” Arietta smiled and waited for her grandpa to answer.

Grandpa Gus took a deep breath, looked up to the ceiling to compose his thoughts, and then decided that the best way to start this conversation was to utter the first word and see where it took him.

“You know, when I was young, I used to get terrible headaches. I always knew when they were coming, but nothing that I took helped with the pain. I couldn’t stand any light or noise when my headaches hit. I usually ended up in a dark cool room in our basement for two days.”

“How did you know that they were coming?” Arietta asked.

“It’s kind of hard to say. It usually started with a small spot in my vision, or voices would sound muffled. As soon as I sensed one coming, I would go to my mother and let her know, then it was down to the basement. Mother would bring a drink and food, but I never ate or drank anything. I used to take medicine for them, but I stopped because it didn’t do anything but upset my stomach. I found something else that would work to ease the pain.”

“You wouldn’t take any medicine? Did you go to a doctor or anything?” Ari probed.

“Sure, we went to doctors, and they gave me medicine that was supposed to help, but it never really did. I would just put one of my pillows over my head so that no one heard me crying. That continued for almost two years. Then we tried a doctor that told me not to take medicine. He gave me a coin and told me to squeeze it as hard as I could, envision my hand getting warm, and think of a place that I could go where my head didn’t hurt anymore. He had a name for this place: Palidonaya. He told Mother that it was a new treatment that they called biofeedback. I thought it was a bunch of nonsense, but I was willing to try anything.” He paused a moment, looking to Arietta to gauge her reaction. “It wasn’t long after that appointment that I felt one coming on. I could tell by the signs that it was gonna be a doozie. I ran to my mother and let her know what was happening and stopped in the kitchen to get a cold towel. I then hurried to my room and grabbed my coin and headed to the basement. My mother brought down a glass and my migraine medicine, but as the doctor instructed, I didn’t take my pill. As the headache began to form, I took hold of that coin and squeezed with everything I had. I started repeating the name Palidonaya over and over again in my head. I imagined my hand catching fire. My head was really pounding, so I started wishing that I was in Palidonaya.”

Ari’s eyebrows furrowed. “Did it work? What happened next?”

“I don’t know if I can explain it without sounding crazy. I was in a completely dark room, yet I saw a spot of white light appear in my vision. The spot grew until it surrounded me, then I wasn’t in my cellar anymore. I couldn’t smell the dank basement air, but clean air with a hint of grass. The sun warmed my face, and my head no longer hurt. The best I can tell you is that I went to Palidonaya.”

“Come on, Grandpa, I’m young, not stupid.” The hope that was written across her features deflated, leaving her expression flat and disappointed.

“I’m telling you, sure as I’m sitting here, I was not in my basement anymore, and my head stopped hurting. I had finally found the one thing that would take away my headaches. I have been thinking about this for a while now, and I want to give you my coin. I want you to try this to help you through the night.”

“Why not now?” Against all sense, she wanted to try it.

“The medicine is still pretty heavy in your system. I can see it in your eyes. If we wait until bedtime, there is a better chance that it will work. I want to try it with you to see if I can help you at least get some sleep tonight. What do you think?”

Arietta considered the question. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“Then you take your medicine and sleep like you do every night.”

“Well, what do we have to lose then, Grandpa? Will you stay with me tonight even if it doesn’t work?”

“You bet, sweet pea,” Gustoff replied.

The time passed slowly, as usual, for how could time pass quickly when a child was in so much pain? He hated how carefully she did even idle tasks such as breathing. Her face was screwed up with agony. She wasn’t the kid she used to be. That had been stripped from her. Gustoff read Arietta her favorite book, speaking in a soft voice yet still using inflection. For the first time in weeks, a sweet smile spread across Arietta’s face, the smile that hinted that hope was still in reach.

“Grandpa?”

“Yes, Ari?” After he turned to her, she sighed. A yawn built in her throat.

“I’m tired. We should try the coin. Either that or I’d like my medicine, I’m ready to go to sleep.” Finally she released the yawn, and Gustoff used his pointer finger to guide his glasses a little farther up the bridge of his nose.

“Alright, dear, you give your grandpa a second, and I’ll bring the coin over,” he exclaimed, rummaging through his pockets. His fingers searched over the shiny gold coin, feeling their way along the ridges, tracing the foreign symbols. He brought the coin into the light, kissing it once before placing it in her hand. He didn’t want to go back, not after everything that had happened. It brought back too much for a man his age to deal with, but for Arietta, he would go with her to the ends of the earth. “Do you remember how to get there?” Her eyes closed, she responded only with a solemn nod.

She gripped the warm coin, thought of a place she did not know but already loved. A place away from all her problems, a place that would make the agony of being simply disappear. The world was a chant in her mind, a plea. Palidonaya, please, please take me. Help me.

A light brighter than the sun shone in her eyes, yet it did not blind her. She could stare at it all day long if she wished to. It was warm; it was comforting. She left her body, felt her soul drift away, yet it did not frighten her. The smell of alcohol and the Old Spice cologne that would always be the welcoming scent of her grandfather faded into nothingness, and her body felt so pleasantly numb. Gustoff watched in removed fascination, as he had never considered what the absent body would look like as she traveled. Her eyes rolled back, whites showing, and her head tilted upwards. Although he could not see her irises, her eyes darted about frantically.