SWNOVELS Racing Hearts: Chapter 20
I rolled over and groaned, a headache hammering its way into my brain.
“I’m going to kill Ash for the drinks.”
“I’m going to help you,” Carly said, her groan matching mine as she looked up and over at me.
“Then again,” I said, moving closer until she was flush against me. “I did get to wake up here with you, so not all bad. What do you want to do today?”
She kicked out her leg with a small whine and rolled away from me.
“What was that?”
“Nothing,” she said, but a small groan escaped her.
“Are you hurt?”
“Not hurt. Just sore. More than I was expecting,” she said. I reached out to pull her closer, but she only pulled away again. “I see why people say they can’t walk after that.”
“Wow, I was right. You are incredible for my ego. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, fine. It’s nothing that I can’t handle.”
“Well, from 100 to 0 with the ego,” I said, smiling.
She groaned again, turning into the pillow, and worry sunk in.
“Okay, I’m not an expert at the female body, but I don’t think it should hurt that much.”
“It doesn’t hurt like I’m concerned. I’m just sore and surprised.”
“Yeah, but I remember it clearly enough to know that I wasn’t that rough,” I said, trying to get her to smile, but she looked away.
“No, no, it’s fine. Drop it.” She sat up, moving even farther away, but I didn’t want her to get all weird and shy with me now. I moved across the bed, laying beside her again.
“I’m not going to drop the fact that I might have hurt you.”
“You didn’t. I already know what’s wrong, so just drop it.”
“You are only freaking me out more. What is wrong, Carly?”
She huffed and laid down again, looking back up at the ceiling. She wasn’t going to look at me, but seemed fine as I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against my chest.
“I’m blurting this out and then we are never talking about it again,” she said against me. “I’m sore because before last night, I was a virgin.”
I couldn’t tell if blood drained from my face or filled it, every part of me freezing at the words.
“Last night was your first time?” I asked, already knowing the answer but hoping I heard her wrong.
“Yeah,” she said.
I untangled my arms from her and sat up, my heart racing as I looked her over.
“No.” The words sounded so horrified, but I couldn’t believe it. “Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“I didn’t think it was important to stop and talk about it, considering what was happening.”
“You’re a virgin and you didn’t think that was important to tell me?” I knew I was raising my voice too loud, but I didn’t care. “You thought lying to me was better?”
“I did not lie. I never said that I wasn’t a virgin.”
“But you omitted it. I could have hurt you.”
She had the nerve to roll her eyes. “I didn’t tell you because of this exactly. I didn’t want to be one anymore, and it was getting increasingly harder to change that as I got older.”
I got up, digging through my bag for clothes. Anger and confusion coursing through me.
“What does that even mean?”
“This,” she yelled. “Exactly this. Would you have done everything you did last night if I had told you? Would you have even slept with me to begin with, or would you have politely declined? Would you have talked to me like that? Do you know what it’s like being twenty-two years old and still being a virgin? If you tell a guy that, they have one of two reactions. One, they think it’s great. They think it’s too great.” Her face scrunched in disgust and I think I mimicked it exactly.
“Or two, they are turned off. They want nothing to do with that, and let me tell you, that hit to your self esteem is worse than anything. Having a guy say ‘I absolutely do not want to sleep with you’ is something hard to forget, and I wouldn’t have been able to handle that from you.”
I let out a long breath. “That’s fair, that’s all fair, but that does not give you a pass for not telling me, Carly. I could have hurt you. I did hurt you. And did you really want it to be here, half drunk? You think you deserved that for your first time?”
I sounded so mad, but it wasn’t just anger rolling through me.
I ruined it. I already knew that what happened wasn’t ideal, but I couldn’t take wanting her longer. I knew I could handle messing up the first time we were together, but messing up her first time? It felt so wrong. One thing I had going for me was that I was good at romantic shit, and now I wasn’t even good at that.
“Okay, tell me then,” she said, snapping me back to reality. “What would you have said if I told you last night, before it happened?”
“I would have said absolutely not here. It could happen on a different day. Maybe we could have talked about it and not done…” I waved my arms around. “That after drinking.”
“Exactly,” she said. “I didn’t want flowers, or candles, or whatever other ridiculous romantic thing you are thinking that I should have had. I mean, seriously, can’t someone just want to get it done and over with in a normal way even if they waited awhile?”
“Done and over with? I was someone to get it done and over with?”
She didn’t answer me at first, her face hardening. “That’s not what I meant. I meant that I’ve been waiting to feel comfortable enough with someone to be able to do that. I didn’t need fancy. I needed to be comfortable.”
“And I can understand that, but I want to feel comfortable too, and I am not comfortable with how it happened.”
I got dressed as I started to pace. Everything she was saying was only making this harder, making it all the more confusing. I didn’t want to be upset, but my heart was hammering too hard, anxiety rushing through me until I couldn’t hear anything besides my blood rushing in my ears.
“I can’t believe I just took the virginity of a girl who thought that getting it done and over with and not telling me was better. This is my own personal type of nightmare. Whatever idea you had that not telling me was better was wrong. I deserved to know that. And since I was someone to get it done and over with, I guess you are done with me then. You will want to gain more experience because who only sleeps with the first person they’ve been with. Especially when that person was considered a ‘done and over with’ person.” My train of thought was going off the rails now, but I couldn’t stop it.
“Maybe, and maybe not. It’s not like it’s your business what I do with my body.”
My laugh was harsh as I leaned over her on the bed. “Guess what? Your body is my fucking business now, and it was last night. This,” I said, moving my hand over her body, “is definitely my business.” I pulled away, running a hand through my hair. “I’m going to get some breakfast or coffee or something that isn’t in this room. I’ll talk to you later.”
“I’m not sorry, Jax. I am sorry that you regret it so much, but I don’t.”
I stopped at the door. “I don’t regret what happened. I regret the way it happened. It shouldn’t have happened like that and you know it. But there’s no going back from it now.”
I hated doing it, but I couldn’t be near her.
I had woken up planning to spend every second with her today and now I couldn’t be within five feet of her without thinking about how badly I fucked things up.
I DIDN’T KNOW how it went from the best weekend of my life to the worst in a matter of hours. I spent the day trying to avoid her, and she seemed more than happy to ignore me. At some point, I had wanted to talk to her, but didn’t even know where to start.
And when I went to the bedroom that night, she was gone.
I grabbed my pillow and headed to the living room, knowing she was going to set herself up on the couch, but I wasn’t going to let her pout out here and make me out to be the bad guy again.
I saw her wrapped up in a blanket like a burrito, her eyes focused on her phone.
“Go to bed, Carly. I’m sleeping out here.”
“I’m already set up.”
“I don’t care. I call dibs out here. Go to bed.”
“No.”
“It’s either go lay in that damn bed or we are going to share the couch.”
“Like you would rather sleep out here than in there. Go away, Jax. You don’t need to act like some chivalrous gentlemen after what you did.”
I really didn’t know if she meant taking her virginity while drunk or acting like an asshole when I found out, but I didn’t care. I was an asshole for both.
Between spending all day busy with the crew while in constant turmoil about her, I was fucking exhausted.
I walked over, looming over her, but she still didn’t look up.
“Go to bed, Carly.”
“No.”
“Fine,” I said, leaning down and scooping her up, making sure the blanket and pillow were caught up with her.
She flailed. “What the hell are you doing? Put me down. I told you that you can’t carry me.”
“And I told you that’s bullshit.”
“You won’t be able to go all the way to the bedroom. Put me down now.”
“No, you are not going to act like I kicked you out of the room when I can kick myself out of the room. Sleep in here, be comfortable.”
“I was fine where I was.”
“I’m sure. That couch looks so fucking comfortable. And I’m sure you’re going to love when all our friends start making noise at all hours of the morning. I’m already excited to stay awake all night on it.”
“Exactly, you won’t be able to sleep out there, so stay in the bedroom.”
I pushed open the door and threw her onto the bed.
“I won’t be able to sleep anywhere because I won’t be next to you and I know you will be in the other room, completely pissed off at me, so sleep in here where at least one of us will enjoy the bed.”
I turned, shutting the door behind me and stalking back into the living room. I knew I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t going to sleep, no matter what.
It was like I could feel the anger rolling off of her, flowing straight to me and eating me alive. It was completely my fault, and I didn’t know what to do about it.