Race to the Next World

Alara survived. I thought she wasn’t going to make it. I saw what she looked like, I saw what the others looked like. A lot of people didn’t make. A lot of people died even after getting them to safety. And here Alara was, laying in bed so badly hurt that they thought it would be easier on her to put her under.

This is all my fault. If only I had stopped her when she said she wanted to be a Flyer. She wouldn’t be this hurt if I had stopped her.

I look at her and see all the things I could’ve prevented.

All of this could have been prevented. People are dying. People are dead. And Picses might just blow it off as nothing.

My sister was hurt because he wanted to continue to fight even though he knew we couldn’t take it.

“Alara is doing fine,” One of the doctors had moved beside me. “She’ll have to be on leave for a while, however.” he said and looked at her. “She took quite a lot of damage.”

Everyone looked like her.

“Her wounds should heal quickly enough but to make sure that there isn’t any permanent damage, its best if she does stay in bed.” he continued.

I couldn’t say anything.

She had broken quite a few bones, and she had a head injury. Those were just the major things. She had bruises and wounds that were healing. It might be a matter of days for her to physically heal but I can’t even imagine what she’s thinking about.

What is anyone thinking about?

Are we going to pretend like nothing happened just like before?

There were multiple places where Flyers were being treated. I still don’t know if Sirus is okay. I wanted to go find him but I couldn’t move away from Alara. I felt terrible about what happened to her. Its my fault. All of this was my fault.

What if I had spoken up?

I could have said something. But would that have mattered? Would Picses had listened to me? He didn’t listen to anyone else, so why do I think my opinion mattered.

When we send Flyers out there, we should expect them to come back.

I don’t understand why Picses could let this happen.

I got up and left the room. I couldn’t speak so I didn’t. I walked out into the hallway, seeing everyone scramble around. There were more Flyers making their way around, and whoever could help them went over to them. I wanted to ask someone if they’ve seen Sirus but I couldn’t find my voice. I was shocked.

I’ve been shocked lately. That’s all I can do to describe it. I’m just shocked.

I walked down the hall, seeing all the blood that was dripping on the floor. Some Flyers were barely conscious. I saw the broken glass on the floor as well. Some of them were lucky to make it back if their ships were badly marked up. Being out in space is no joke when there’s damage to their ships. How did they make it?

How could anyone make it?

I couldn’t keep walking. I stopped as everyone moved around me. I wanted to say something, ask for something but I couldn’t find my voice. Everyone just kept moving like I wasn’t even here. There was too much going on and I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

And then I saw Sirus.

I wanted to move but my legs wouldn’t go. My hands were shaking by my side as I watched him try to walk. His suit was torn up and I saw the blood where I could see his skin. My hands continued to shake. This is my fault. All this is my fault. I should’ve said something. This wouldn’t have happened if I had said something. I couldn’t even move and Sirus needed help.

How am I-...I don’t know what to do.

I took a hesitant step forward. There was so much blood everywhere. Everyone was so badly hurt. I couldn’t walk through this hallway with how terrified I was. Sirus leaned against the wall when he couldn’t hold himself up any longer. I did my best to go over to him; I had to swallow my fears to keep walking.

My hands were still shaking, but I took his hand and lifted his arm around my shoulders so I could help him up. I know he doesn’t like being touched by medical professionals. When he saw which way we were going, he tried to stop me, but he didn’t have the strength to even talk. I had to take him. He’s just going to make everything worse if he doesn’t go.

I waited patiently as a doctor checked his wounds. They weren’t terrible, at least, that’s what she told him. He needed to not do any extraneous activities or he could open his wounds. Sirus has a history of not listening so his wounds would be open again in a matter of hours. I sat on one of the empty chairs, staring at the floor as I waited. Alara’s not conscious. Sirus is in a bad mood. I don’t have anyone to talk to about what happened.

We don’t talk about anything that happened.

Its like nothing ever happens.

My chest was aching. I could barely breathe. This keeps happening. I keep getting reasons why this isn’t worth it anymore. I’m supposed to be able to deal with the stress, we were trained to deal with the stress. We could’ve gotten passed this, its not like we were cornered and had no where else to go. We could have given up. We could’ve saved so many lives if we had just given up.

Now look at us.

We’re scrambling to get up after what happened.

Sirus sat in a chair next to me when the doctor moved on to another Flyer that had just stumbled in. Sirus’ hands were bandaged again. I stared at the white bandages, and I know he was staring at me.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked.

He knows what’s wrong with me.

I couldn’t answer.

There’s so much I wanted to say but I couldn’t answer.

Sirus struggled to find something to say. He would start a sentence, then he would stop and start over, not being able to say what he wanted. I know he wanted to help but he isn’t exactly the best at comforting people. Its the effort that counts.

“Don’t worry about me,” I said quietly.

I wasn’t okay.

“Well, stop making that face.” Sirus said as he sat back. ”You need to stop freaking out about everything.” he said which is his way of saying that I shouldn’t freak out.

“I’m sorry.”

I was sorry that I couldn’t just keep him here when all this was happening. I was sorry that he got so hurt because I couldn’t try to defend him. I was sorry that all this happened to everyone.

“I’m not. And you shouldn’t be either.” he said. I didn’t say anything. “You piss me off.” he got annoyed with my silence and got up. He just doesn’t understand. He tried, I get it. I can’t say anything.

I got up, too, and he leaned his weight on me, putting his arm around my shoulders so I could help him walk.

Everything was a mess.

I was sorry this happened to us.

Commander Picses wanted to talk to all of us, all that’s left of us at least. Most everyone was getting their wounds fixed. They were either unconscious or was getting a treatment. Those of the Flyers that were here were in pain, were leaning on something or someone, was still bleeding and had open wounds. Sirus stayed with me, keeping his arm around me so he could stay standing. Even when he got too heavy for me to carry, I didn’t move. I had to hold him up even if I didn’t have the strength. Its the least I could do after everything that’s happened to us.

“We’ve lost more than we can account for in history.” Picses started, clearly stating that he was angry about this. “Europe knows what they did to us, and they surely will pay for what they have done.” he said. What is he going to make us do now?

How can we fight when we’re like this?

Picses knows he made a mistake, he just won’t admit it.

“We are close to the new planet, very close. And we will not lose to the European nations.” he said. That’s the end goal that everyone was looking towards. To be honest, I forget this was why we’re fighting. It wasn’t till now that I remembered.

That doesn’t justify what Picses did.

“We have lost more than half of our cadets, but do not lose moral. A day like this was going to come. And now its time to fight back. As we enter the last few weeks, let us fight for our nation.” he said.

I wonder if people were eating this up. Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was the one that wasn’t going to give in to a mini heart felt speech. Picses has been pushing my patience for a while now with all the stunts he’s been pulling. Now what? We can’t fight, not when we’re like this. Its like asking for everyone to die.

I didn’t think of resigning, but maybe I’m not cut out for this kind of pressure; we were trained for this. So why do I feel terrible? Is it because I knew and didn’t say anything? I knew we were going to lose people. The second I became a Coordinator, I knew I was going to make friends and lose them along the way.

Its my fault.

After Picses left, Sirus had let go of me and began walking on his own, limping the other way as people left. Where was he going to go? Is he that angry that he thinks its okay to blow off steam. He heard what the doctor said. He shouldn’t do something to open up his wounds. He wasn’t going to listen. That’s like him. I didn’t go after him. I just watched as he limped away.

I went back to our room and got in bed, tuning out everything. I wanted to pretend like I wasn’t here, like this wasn’t happening, like none of this happened. I got under the blankets and I stayed there, not moving, not thinking, not feeling.

Sleep didn’t come easily for me. When I did sleep, it wasn’t for long. I was too anxious to keep my eyes closed so I gave up. I looked around the room. Sirus hadn’t gotten back yet. Is he that mad? I stayed in bed, looking at my tracker that was next to me. I was tempted to turn it off but I didn’t. I wanted to throw it at the wall and break it but I didn’t.

I couldn’t do anything.

I finally got out of bed after another hour or so. Sirus still didn’t show up, and I was worried. I should go looking for him. If he managed to get himself hurt, he won’t try to find the help. He’ll just wait for something worse to happen. I wanted to find him to make sure that he was okay.

The halls were quieter. There were people still around, but it wasn’t a flood of screaming and groaning. The blood was cleaned up off the floors and the glass was taken care of. I walked by quietly, not paying attention to anyone that was near. I heard my name come up from somewhere, but I didn’t stop moving until I saw Taurus in front of me. She was with a friend of hers that I didn’t recognize.

Did they want something?

“I heard about your sister.” Taurus said and held my hands. Alara should be back on the civilian deck by now. She won’t be leaving for a while.

“She’ll be fine.” I murmured quietly as I looked away.

“Picses has a lot of nerves to order what he did.” her friend said, getting mad.

“What does he want?” I asked.

It could be something terrible. What Picses intends to do is push us to the extreme. He shouldn’t do this to us. We need to go back on the defensive side and get back on our feet. Whatever he’s planning, its not a good idea, I know it.

“You didn’t hear? Picses wants all the Coordinators that are physically fit to be a Flyer to start training today.” Taurus said.

This is by far the worst idea that Picses had.

I bit my tongue.

“No one likes this order. Its like really putting us out of our comfort zone.” she said and looked over to her friend. “No one is safe now. Picses doesn’t care who it is, if he thinks for a minute that someone could start training, he’s taking them.” she was worried.

This is a bad idea.

“Did you hear about Libra?” Taurus asked. That’s the girl who’s ranked second. “She has a double occupation. That just goes to show everyone is fair game.” Taurus shook her head. Anyone could get switched over, it doesn’t matter.

“And that means we have to take over more than just one Flyer.” her friend said. This is too much. Not everyone can handle all that responsibility.

This is really pushing us to our limits. We’ve gone through stressful situations, but this is just much more than we can handle. Anyone could be switched over. Does Picses not care? We should be building our defenses, but not like this. We shouldn’t be taking people and putting them over. That just makes us weaker.

“Everyone is on edge right now.” Her friend said. “Some of the Coordinators are panicking, others have cracked. And our Flyers have really gone off the wall now.” he said.

We’ve all lost it. I thought Picses would handle this situation better. I’ve looked up to him for years, and I thought he was doing everything right. I’ve been so blinded by my need to just be Commander that I didn’t realize that even people like him do things the wrong way. If I was Commander, I wouldn’t be doing this. This is not how we solve our problems.

I bit my tongue.

A Coordinator had ran by frantically, and Taurus tried to call out to her but she was panicking so much that she didn’t even notice. Taurus sighed again and put her hand down.

“I wonder if its another fight.” she said, concerned.

“What?”

“There’s been a bunch of fights lately. Everyone’s on edge so its not surprising. Flyers are cracking and need to do something with how they’re feeling.” she really was concerned. That girl that ran by must have been on her way to stop a fight. I hope she makes it.

“Everyone’s just having problems with everything. Trist is probably going down to stop Ges from fighting Sirus and-”

“What?” I looked up at him quickly, finally paying attention.

“Yeah, they apparently got into a fight earlier but they got broken apart so I bet now they’re really going to finish what they-”

I ran off.

Sirus shouldn’t be fighting. He’s already badly hurt and he’s trying to hurt someone else. There is no reason for that, I don’t care why they’re fighting. Trist ran down the hall and I tried to remember which corner she turned. I have no clue where they were but I could guess.

Where’s the biggest place that Flyers have enough room to go all out?

I continued down the hall and stopped running when I reached a door. Is this where Trist came? I put my hand on the scanner and the door opened. This has to be it. Its scary. This has to be where they are. I could hear chanting in the distance so I ran towards the sound. The closer I got, the more I could hear a lot of voices.

I was up on a platform, and down below I could see a few Flyers running the same way I was. Now I just need a way to get down to where the fight was happening.

There was a girl huddled up by the railing, her hands tightly grasping the metal as she stared down at the large group of Flyers in their black suits. They shouldn’t be fighting. It doesn’t even look like they had the strength but they were yelling and chanting anyway. I went up next to Trist and got down so I could see.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I don’t know but if we don’t get down there to stop them, they’ll kill each other.” she said desperately as we both looked down. Ges was the big one. He had bandages on his arms just like most of them. There was blood on his though.

There was blood on his face. He wiped it off as the group closed in more. Sirus was on the other side. There was blood on his bandages, a lot more blood. He wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt and stared up at Ges, getting ready to fight. The rest of them were either trying to stop them or provoke them.

My hands gripped the railing and Trist put her hand on me quickly, stopping me from moving. “You can’t just-” She started when she saw I was about to get up.

“Someone has to stop them.” I said quickly and climbed up on the railing.

That’s a long drop, but I’ve seen longer.

I jumped off and landed on the metal platform, hearing it under my boots. I didn’t wait for the shock to leave my body. I pushed through the crowd of Flyers that were trying to see what was happening. I had to really fight my way to get through but I made it in time to stop Sirus from moving forward. Serberous saw me first, and that’s when he and his group of friends took consideration for me and grabbed Sirus back.

It wasn’t enough to stop him.

Sirus glared down at me, clenching his teeth as I saw his desperate need to hit something hard. He’s never looked this angry, even at me, and I thought that he was so far gone that he would hit me just to get to Ges. Serberous and his friends were holding him back but it was like they weren’t trying that hard.

What did Ges do?

Even if it was something horrible, its no reason for them to let go of Sirus. I know for a fact what Sirus is capable of. Someone twice his size doesn’t stop him. Sirus really isn’t just all talk, he will fight anyone and everyone. I know him. I’ve seen him do it.

That’s why I was so afraid.

“You think you’re so privileged just because you got your Coordinator to come get you.” Ges said behind us. Sirus’ eyes moved up quickly, looking over as Ges; I could see the exact moment he snapped. “You don’t get the right to do what you do.” he said loudly. Sirus almost took a step forward, but I put my hands on him to push him back. The others were holding on to him but they wanted to let him go so he could do his worst.

“That’s enough Ges, no more fighting.” Serberous wanted to stop Ges. It won’t be his fault if his friends let go. Sirus would push me aside too. It will be none of our faults if Sirus gets loose.

“What makes you think Sirus won’t come back for me, we all know he hates losing.” he laughed. I couldn’t say anything as I watched Sirus. He tightened his fists more and Ges continued to laugh. What did he do? What happened? Why was Sirus so pissed off that he looked like he would kill Ges. “Let him go, let me cave his skull in to teach him a lesson.”

The others were about to and I desperately glanced at Serberous, begging for his help. I can only do so much to keep Sirus down. I don’t have the strength to keep this up myself. He was so angry, I’ve never seen him that pissed off before. Whatever Ges did to him, he’s never going to let it go.

Sirus snapped.

“You fucking bastard, I’ll kill you!” Sirus screamed as he almost got out of their grip.

“You know he’ll do it, Ges. You can still walk away from this right now.” Serberous tried to bargain with him but it wasn’t working. The others began holding him down, I saw other Flyers trying to move between them as well.

They weren’t going to be able to fight here.

I could hear others trying to get Ges to back off. I just kept my eyes on Sirus, keeping him back as I heard Ges snicker behind me. If anything, Ges was getting me angry too. Serberous’ friends would have let go, and honestly if Ges doesn’t back off, I’d move out of the way.

Everyone has enough to deal with. Fighting won’t help solve anything.

Ges just continued to laugh though, and Sirus wasn’t handling his temper well.

“We can settle this another time, Sirus. And if you want, we can bet your Coordinator here.” he laughed, taking it already as a challenge. I ignored his comment, but Sirus didn’t. There were more Flyers separating us, and others came over to push Sirus back. We could hear some more of them leaving; I heard Ges’ laugh as we walked away with the rest of them.

Sirus has never been so angry. The other Flyers struggled to hold him down, if they let him go, Sirus would go after Ges and fight him for real. Sirus shouldn’t be fighting. He’s badly hurt and he doesn’t need anymore wounds on him. His bandages were stained with blood, his and Ges.

The others were trying to get Sirus to back off. I didn’t have anything to say to him. I didn’t know what to say. Its clear that he wasn’t focused. He was too angry to focus. The others kept him back, pushing him the other way so he wouldn’t go after Ges. Finally, he couldn’t take everyone touching him and telling him to leave it alone.

“Get the hell off me.” Sirus shouted, fed up with everything. They didn’t hesitate. Anyone that had his hands on him let go. Some backed away. I definitely did take a step back. Sirus stormed off the other way, his hands still clenched into fists.

He’ll hit something.

I was about to follow him but Serberous stopped me. I looked up at him. He was concerned. I get that he wants to make sure that I don’t get hurt, but I have to stop Sirus before he does something worse to himself; he’s the one with the terrible wounds, not me.

“You might want to let him calm down.” Serberous said as he let go of my arm.

Sirus doesn’t calm down. He’s always angry at something. I just needed to make sure that he doesn’t hurt himself. I wanted to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.

I followed Sirus as fast as I could. I gave him distance since he might need it. I still followed him though. If I wasn’t there, they would have done it, and every Flyer would not have tried to hold them back. I know he’s angry, I just wanted to make sure that he doesn’t hurt himself.

I followed him and he knew I was following him. When he stopped walking, I had to stop too or I would walk right into him.

“Stop following me.” he said angrily.

“Sirus-”

“What now, Aurora? Can’t you leave me alone?” he asked loudly as he turned around. I took a step back when his eyes met mine.

“I-I just wanted t-to make sure you were okay.” I said as strongly as I could. Sirus doesn’t scare me, but when he’s angry like this, I get fearful. He didn’t say anything as he looked away from me; I took this as a chance to get closer to him. He didn’t move away as I took a couple steps forward. But when I got too close, he glared.

“I’m fine.” he said through his teeth.

He’s not fine.

I saw the cuts and bruises on his face, and the blood on his mouth. There were stains on his dark grey shirt, and blood on his white bandages. He is not fine. I wanted to tell him that because he believed that he was. Its just that I couldn’t talk.

I shouldn’t make him more upset. I walked away from him, and I know if I turn back to look, I would see him walking the other way. If he won’t let me stay with him, then that just means he’s really pissed off.

There was nothing else for me to do. After everything that has happened, there’s nothing else for me to do. I went up to the Civilian deck instead. I wonder if Alara is awake. I know the doctor wanted her wounds to heal since he said she would be in incredible pain if she did wake up. Was it that bad? Would she have to stay asleep that long? I wanted to see her anyway.

How am I going to face our parents?

I should’ve done a better job with watching over her. Hias was her Coordinator though, I wouldn’t have had that much power in what happened.

If only I had known all this was going to happen. I would’ve kept everyone back so all these people wouldn’t have died.

I kept my head down as I walked. People didn’t know what was going on. The letters of condolences hasn’t spread out yet. No one knows what happened. I was the only one that probably looked so depressed. After everything that’s been happening, I could barely smile or speak. It was just difficult. I don’t think I could look my parents in the eye, especially when their second child comes back badly hurt.

The second I walked in the door, I was crushed in a hug. My mom was crying as she held on to me tightly. Was it relief? Was she happy that I was still alive? I didn’t know what to say to her. There’s so much that’s been happening that I didn’t know what to say to her.

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” she cried as Dad walked over to me. I feel bad that this happened. I feel terrible that this happened. Alara’s voice wasn’t piercing through; usually I can hear her from far away, now its just quiet.

I didn’t know what to say.

“Please tell me you won’t be going out there.” Mom cried.

“No, mom. I’m not going anywhere.” I had to tell her something. Her heart would break if she actually knew what I was doing. She would force me to resign and I wouldn’t have a choice but to.

She was so scared. And Dad was just silent.

I knew what it was like.

“I hope Alara resigns, I don’t want her doing this anymore.” Mom said as she looked at Dad quickly. He agreed with her.

I agreed with her.

“You should, too.” Dad said to me.

I didn’t say anything. I thought about resigning. After everything I’ve gone through, I should just resign. I’ve wanted to be Commander for so long, but I see what its like. I see what happens when things go wrong. I should resign.

I looked further away this time.

I’m partnered with someone who needs me. I would like to think that Sirus needs me. If he doesn’t then I can live with that, but this idea that he wouldn’t work with anyone else but me was the only reason I was still doing this. I can’t resign because I don’t want to leave him. I can’t yet.

“Is Alara still sleeping?” I asked, changing the subject.

“She hasn’t woken up since she got here. They say its better that we don’t try to wake her.” Mom sighed. It is better. If they really knew how much damage she took, it would break their hearts. I couldn’t tell them.

What else can I do here?

I felt guilty.

I have to leave.

“Well I only wanted to make sure everything was okay. I should get back.” I said.

None of us said anything after that. I didn’t even move for a couple seconds, but I know I really should get going.

“Please, Aurora.” My mom said. “Please, be safe.” she begged me. I was going to try but I don’t know what’s going to happen anymore.

“I’ll be fine.” I told them both.

Maybe if I said then I would believe it. I have to keep biting my tongue. I have to keep quiet about things I want to talk about. I haven’t said a word about anything that’s happened in a while, and here I am promising that I’ll be fine when I know in reality there’s much worse I’ll have to go through.

I finally left; I might come back later to see Alara. She has to wake up some time. Maybe she will resign if Mom begs hard enough. Maybe she won’t ever think of coming back here ever again. I still have to settle my own feelings about having this job. Its not how it used to be. Maybe its because I grew up and I saw what its really like. Maybe its because I knew there were different ways to handle each situation. I could’ve done this better. What’s happening now is not right. I kept thinking about this for a while, and it made me feel worse. I was tired and could barely walk. There was nothing else. This is it.

What am I going to do now?

I have this unsettling feeling that won’t go away and I can’t live with it. Its not fair.

I walked back inside my room quietly. I didn’t expect to see Sirus here; I know I was gone for a while, but I expected him to be somewhere, just screaming and hitting things because he was so pissed off before. I walked over the clothes on the floor and went to his bed, staring at his face. His wounds were still there, they were healing but they were still there. He was so mad before that he just went right to sleep. I kept my distance as I watched him.

When he’s asleep, he doesn’t look that angry.

My hand moved to his face, pushing his hair back and touching his cheek. He had a bruise on his skin and it wasn’t swelling as much as it was before. How does someone so angry looks so peaceful while sleeping?

I feel bad about everything that’s happened.

He didn’t deserve this.

I dropped my hand from his face and turned away. My hand was pulled back and I was yanked down on the bed. Sirus had grabbed me and brought me on his bed next to him. I didn’t think he was awake. I’m surprised he just let me touch him.

“Sirus-”

“What now?” he murmured.

Why would he want me here? If he’s awake, it just means that he’s upset. I couldn’t get out of his grip. I didn’t want to. Instead, I just stayed next to him. It didn’t bother him that I was staring at him. Could he feel it? I was staring hard actually.

I watched him fall asleep right in front me. I noticed the exact moment when he found his peace again and I couldn’t stop looking. How can someone so angry look like that when they’re asleep. I closed my eyes and tried to get a bit of rest.

A lot happened.

If I just try to sleep, I might feel a little better and wake up hopeful.

When I did get up, I looked around a bit. Sirus was still asleep, and he still held on to my wrist. I stared at his face, his peaceful face that I never see. For once, he wasn’t angry or being scary. It hasn’t been long that I’ve been asleep. I just suddenly woke up.

I closed my eyes again. I won’t be leaving since he was still holding on to me. I didn’t want to leave him, especially with how tightly he was holding on to me. I wonder if he’s scared, or if he’s nervous. Is he anxious? He doesn’t tell me anything about what he feels. I don’t ask him, but sometimes I like knowing. I wanted to tell him too, I wanted to say how I’ve been just as anxious as he probably was. I could tell him a lot of things but I don’t.

Does he care?

I remembered how he said he cared about me.

My face felt sort of hot but the feeling went away after a while.

Sirus cares about me, that’s a nice thing to know considering the fact that he does push me around a lot. Its a nice thought. What would he say if I told him I cared about him too? What would he think? How could I tell him? I know the words won’t come out of my mouth, but maybe he knows.

I thought of all the things I could tell him as I began to fall asleep again. One day I’ll tell him.