Queen of the Freaks

I called in sick the next day. My boss wasn’t too impressed, but I didn’t care. I intended to spend the day pouting in bed, watching Legally Blonde and eating chocolate. Or maybe sipping my red juice. Or both.

Yes, I was wallowing. I glanced at my neglected cell phone. Twenty-seven missed texts and a dozen missed calls. Most of the calls were from my BFF, Amy. Amy was rich and spend most of her summers traveling around the world. Not that I didn’t have rich parents who could’ve sent me around the world, but my parents decided to start reading self-help books like “How to Raise Successful Young Adults in a Modern World” a few years ago and thought that forcing me to get a job would give me things like “character”, “values” and “a sense of pride”. I thought the books were written by the devil himself.

The evil books were also the reason why I was living in an apartment and paying rent. Sure, my parents knew the landlord and were able to get me a sweet deal, but honestly, they could’ve kept the house and just given it to me when they moved to France instead of selling it. But no, they refused. Even when I begged and pleaded and promised to get really good grades at the college I was attending (which I chose because it was my hometown and I wouldn’t have to move away and pay rent—oh the irony!), they still said nuh uh. So now I’m working and paying bills, earning my keep as they say. Being responsible and all that jazz. Amy was super lucky my parents didn’t lend her parents those books.

Her last voicemail was short and sweet: “Call me back, bitch.” Oh how I loved that girl! Like me, she got straight to the point. She was due back in Bar Harbor in a couple of days and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to explain anything to her. She would know immediately that something was up. In fact, she probably already figured something was going on. It was not like me to ignore my always-ringing cell.

So, I decided to ignore her until I came up with a solution. In the meantime, I checked my texts. They ranged from “where r u?”, to “how r u hot stuff?”, and even a “booty call?”. Honestly! I mean, liked to have fun with boys and stuff but I was not a slut. I guess now I couldn’t be a slut even if I wanted. Damn wings. And fangs. My life sucked. I pouted again, threw my cell across my bed and tried to convince myself that being blonde like Reese Witherspoon could be a good thing.

I told Finn to leave me alone but of course he didn’t listen. He poked his head in my room.

“Knock knock!” His voice was annoyingly chipper and he just walked right in and stood in front of my TV.

“What the hell dude?”

“Girl, you need to stop this. You’re queen of a magical world and I am not going to let yourself rot away in this room.”

“See, that’s exactly why I’m rotting in my room. I’m supposed to be a queen of some magical world that you guys keep talking about, even though I’ve never actually been there. I’m drinking blood, growing fangs, sprouting wings and will be a blonde forever. My social life is over, my future sex life is over, I might as well just let this supposed evil brother of mine kill me and be done with it already.”

Finn gasped. “Ti, surely you don’t mean that?”

“Yeah, I do. What the hell do I care about some magical world anyways. My world is over. Let him kill me.”

“How selfish of you.”

“Selfish?? How am I being selfish? All I want is my own life back! I didn’t ask for any of this and I don’t want any of this.”

“Maybe you’d change your mind if you visited our world.”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh sure, this magical world you’re always talking about. I bet it’s just a treehouse in the forest or something.”

“Yes, it is. And everything you’ve seen so far is just your imagination.”

I turned my head away and ate another chocolate. I knew I was being a stubborn bitch. There was really no doubt that something magical was going on, now that I’ve seen wings on my back and stuff. But I was still in denial.

“What will it take for you to start believing us?”

I shrugged.

“Okay then, you just keep fattening yourself up with those chocolates and continue to think about yourself. Real productive.” He stepped out the door half way and then turned back around again. “Your parents would be ashamed. They had high hopes for you.”

He walked away and I felt a pang of guilt. I stared out my window for a bit and ignored another incoming text message. I felt like I was trapped and wanted to go for a walk but I didn’t want Finn to go with me so I tip-toed over to the window, opened it and climbed down the fire escape. I grinned to myself when my feet touched the ground, knowing I had just escaped from my annoying vampire bodyguard.

I felt a sense of freedom as I walked down the streets of Bar Harbor. Of course, I took the back streets to avoid people. I wasn’t exactly looking my best and had just stuffed myself with chocolate and blood all day. Can you say bloated?

I wandered all the way down to the edge of the forest. One of the reasons Bar Harbor was such a tourist attraction was because it was between a big national park and a beach. It meant the odds of seeing deer in your backyard were fairly high and that made the place more endearing or something. I never really gave it much thought before. I walked slowly into the tree line. The trees were huge! I never really noticed the forest before, probably because I only went near when somebody threw a party close by. The sun was setting and I could see the changing sky through the branches. Beneath my feet the moss felt soft and glittered where the sun rays hit leftover rain on leaves. My mood started to change. I felt more at peace than I had since my birthday party. For some reason I didn’t really care that I had fangs or wings. I didn’t wonder about my social life or boys or my hair. I didn’t seem to have a care in the world.

Was I becoming a hippie or something? I didn’t understand it. I wanted to do cartwheels like a carefree child. I wanted to hug a tree. No seriously, I wanted to give it a great big bear hug.

I heard myself laugh and started skipping further in through the trees. Yes, skipping, like a smurf. Minus the blue skin.

I was just about to start humming the smurf theme song when a wave a nausea hit me. Then paranoia kicked in. Someone or something was nearby. I heard rustling in the leaves to my left. I stopped breathing so I could listen more clearly. The rustling stopped and all I could hear was my pounding heart. Silence. Creepy silence. Part of me wanted to run back out of the forest as fast as I could and go back to the security of my room. I was so stupid to sneak out without Finn. Stupid, stupid Mel!

The rustling came back but this time it was on my right. What was out there, and how many were there? As much as my mind wanted my body to run, I couldn’t move. I was frozen in fear. I looked to my right but I didn’t see anything. I looked to my left and there they were. The eyes. It was the goblin. Bobby’s cousin was here in the forest to kill me. Or eat me. Or maybe both. I gulped.

“Are you lost princess?” His voice was deep and he spoke slowly, pronouncing every syllable and giving me the worst goose bumps. Still, I wasn’t going to let this jerk see my fear. I might be dead in a few minutes but I wouldn’t go down without a fight. Or at least a few fighting last words.

“I’m not lost you fucker, and I’m a queen not a princess. Get it right.”

“Oh, she has an attitude.” The eyes suddenly disappeared. Where the hell did he go so quickly?

“Kids these days, no respect for their elders.” His voice was now behind me. Shit. I turned around slowly and looked down at the goblin who was smirking up at me. “Your majesty.” He mockingly nodded my way.

“Little fucker.” I mockingly nodded back.

“The name’s Jim.”

I burst out laughing. It was a stupid move, since I appeared to be standing on death’s doorstep, but I couldn’t help it.

“Your name is Jim? Jim the scary goblin? Goblin Jim? Or is it Jim Goblin? Do you even have a last name? My God, what is up with the lack of creative names in this so-called magical world? Let me guess, your sister’s name is Jane.” I kept chuckling to myself and wiped the tear from my eye.

And that’s why I didn’t see his foot come up and nail me in my stomach. The kick sent me back five feet and I landed on a tree trunk.

“What the FUCK?” I had never even been bitch slapped by a girl before much less kicked in the stomach. It hurt! I looked up in time to see the green leathery skin coming straight at me, this time with a sharp, pointy stick in his hand. I leapt up and moved out of the way just in time. I have never moved so fast in all my life. No, seriously. I was ten feet away from him before I had time to blink. I was so quick, it took him a moment to realize I was no longer in front of him. A thought popped into my head, something Bob had said about vampire speed. Could it be true? I remembered Finn cleaning up the kitchen so quickly. Maybe it was true. I didn’t have much time to ponder, goblin creep was coming straight at me. I ran around him again. This time he anticipated it more and tried to stab me as I went by. He missed, but it was too close for my liking.

“Ok Jimbo, I’m not liking this stake you have. I think it gives you an unfair advantage.” I ran towards him and he braced himself but I surprised him by jumping over him. I landed behind him and reached around to grab the stick out of his hand. All of this happened before he even realized I was no longer in front of him. He looked down at his hand and saw that it was empty.

“Looking for this?” I waved the stick in my hand for a second before breaking it and tossing it far into the woods. Really, really far.

Jim squinted his eyes and grinned. Just grinned. I waited, expecting another attack or at least an evil threat of some kind, but nothing happened. He kept grinning for a couple more seconds and then he vanished. Literally. He just sort of went transparent and disappeared, like one of those Star Trek dudes.

“Well that was weird.” I mumbled to myself. I turned around in a full circle, making sure I was alone, before I started running out of the forest. The nausea had disappeared when Jim the Scary Goblin disappeared so I guessed I was safe for the time being.

I didn’t want anyone to see how fast I could run so once I reached the end of the tree line I decided to just walk quickly down the streets back to my apartment. I climbed back up the fire escape and crept back into my window nice and quietly. Then I noticed the tapping shoe. The recently polished, black Gucci shoe. The shoe was attached to a very handsome, but very upset, vampire who stood in front of me with his arms folded, obviously waiting for my explanation.

“I can explain.”

Silence. The shoe kept tapping.

“No, really. I have a very good explanation for why I snuck out of my own bedroom without telling you and then fought off a goblin and then snuck back in. Honest!”

The shoe stopped.

“You fought off a goblin? Jesus Tianna, how am I supposed to protect you if you won’t let me? Here I thought you went out to get ice cream for your pity party and you put yourself in mortal danger instead? Unbelievable! How am I supposed to explain this to Bob when he shows up to check on you?”

“Um, too late.” I pointed behind him at the very red-faced gnome. Finn sighed. They both stared at me.

“What? Okay, I’m sorry. But it was really cool! I mean, not the almost-dying part but the speed thing was so awesome! I think I’m going try out for some sports and go to the Olympics and get a couple of gold medals and be rich and famous forever! You should’ve seen it guys! I was here and then BAM, I was there. I even stole Jimbo’s stick right out of his hands!”

“Jimbo? You mean it was my cousin Jim?” Bob exclaimed.

“Stick? You mean he tried to stake you?” Finn cried out.

“Yes and yes. Oh, and seriously Bobby, your family needs to get more inventive with names.” Bob blinked and looked at me like he thought I should be living in an asylum. “I don’t suppose either of you have any sushi on you huh? I have a real craving.”

After finishing two full packets of my special red juice and re-telling the tale of my exciting trip to the forest, Bob and Finn were pacing my living room while coming up with reasons, questions and scenarios.

“But how did he know she’d be there?”

“I think the more important question is whether he was sent to the forest or if he went on his own free will.”

“But why would he attack without orders?”

“That’s what I don’t understand. Clearly he would never win a serious fighting match against her.”

On and on they went. I paid attention some of the time. Mostly I was wondering how soon I could get back to the forest and how I could use my newfound speed in everyday chores. Speed flossing. Jumping over tall buildings on my way to work. That kind of thing.

I went to my room and got my cell phone from my bed. I figured I would quickly call Amy to tell her I was still alive since she was probably going to contact the police soon if I didn’t reply somehow. I unlocked my phone and saw there were three missed texts so I quickly read them.

“Um, you guys.”

“But why even bother with the stake if he knew what she was?”

They were ignoring me. “Guys. I think you should see this.”

“Well he must’ve figured that his odds were decent or he wouldn’t have bothered trying at all.”

I hate being ignored. “SHUT UP!” I yelled. That got their attention. I handed Finn my cell phone. “Read this.”

He gave me a puzzled look before taking my cell and reading the one text that definitely got my attention.

“I no what u r.” He smirked. “Well clearly your friends don’t know how to spell.” He handed the phone back to me.

I slapped him on the arm. “You idiot, my friends didn’t send that. I don’t know whose number that is because it’s blocked, but it was sent at the same time I was on my way home from the ass-kicking I gave Jimbo. I think the little bastard texted me to try to scare me.”

Bob laughed. “Jim doesn’t text because he doesn’t know how to use a cell phone. I doubt he even knows what a cell phone is actually. Most likely the message and timing were just coincidences.”

I didn’t appreciate them laughing and not taking me serious and I felt my temper start to flare.

“It’s not a coincidence! I’m telling you, he’s trying to threaten me or something. He’s got my cell number and not only does he know what I am, he knows where I am. He knew I would be in the forest and he knew I’d be at the party so he must be tracking me somehow. How is that even possible? Is there a magic spell you can put on someone to trace them?”

Bob’s face turned serious again. “There could be, I’ll look into it. In the meantime, however, I wouldn’t advise you to go anywhere alone. Nor would I recommend getting close to the forest again.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I turned and went into my bedroom. At least he took my thoughts about being tracked seriously. I tried not to think about how creepy it would be to have a tracing spell put on me so someone evil would know where I was at all times. How stalker-ish!

The message glared at me from my phone and I had an idea. The number was blocked so I couldn’t look it up but I could send a reply. I made sure my bedroom door was completely shut before I started typing.

Who r u and what do u want?

I hit send and stared at the screen, willing an answer from Jimbo to show up. Of course it didn’t. I waited semi-patiently for three whole minutes before I decided he just wasn’t going to answer because I humiliated him so badly this afternoon, so I tried calling Amy. I got her voicemail and left her a quick message about how busy I’ve been (not a lie!) and how we’d talk soon (hopefully not a lie!).

There was a knock on my door and Finn popped his head in.

“Hey Ti, are you going to work tomorrow morning?” Shit. I completely forgot about work.

“Yeah, I guess I have to. Why?”

“Just curious. I’ll go with you of course. Bob is going to stay here for a few minutes while I go eat and then I’ll be back for the rest of the night. How are you feeling?”

“I’m just swell, thanks.” He arched a questioning eyebrow. “Okay, I’m stressed out and freaked out, but I’ll be okay, I just need some sleep.” I fluffed up my pillow in preparation and then turned to him again. “Sorry I snuck out today Finn.”

He smiled. “Just promise me you won’t do that again. At least not until we figure out what’s going on.” I could tell he was truly concerned about my well being and I thought it was sweet. Part of me wanted to talk to him about the feelings I had in the forest that made me want to hug trees but then I thought twice about it. It sounded dumb to me and I was the one who experienced it. Instead I just smiled back. “Promise.”

I was just about asleep when the text came in.

U no who I am. I want u, dead or alive.

I didn’t respond back.