Queen of the Freaks

The next morning I woke up to the sounds of pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. My alarm clock told me it was way too early to be getting up, but I decided to to see what kind of magical creature was making a new mess for me to clean up. At least I hoped it was a magical creature and not some homeless guy who broke into my apartment. Maybe it was a troll. I felt my anxiety levels increasing.

I stepped into my pink fuzzy bunny slippers and scurried into the kitchen.

“What the hell?”

It wasn’t a troll, just my vampire bodyguard.

“Morning Ti, just getting some breakfast ready for you. Most important meal of the day you know!”

I eyeballed the counter and saw omelettes, toast, hashbrowns, bacon, ham and sausage.

“How much food do you think I eat?” I watched as he started piling some meat onto a plate for me and I waved off the toast and hashbrowns. “No carbs, please.”

He rolled his eyes and poured me a glass of tomato juice.

“You’re looking dapper today Finn.” He was dressed in freshly ironed black pants, shiny dress shoes, black and white pinstriped shirt and silver Armani belt. His hair, of course, was perfect.

“Thanks! No one gets ahead in life by looking like a slob in sweat pants.” He gave me a once over. “Are those rabbits on your feet?”

“Shut it vampy.” I stuck a piece of bacon in my mouth and took a sip of my tomato juice. Which tasted like A1 Steak Sauce. Wait a minute. “Hey, this isn’t tomato juice!”

“Bravo! It’s freshly squeezed…,”

“Ack! I don’t wanna know!” I covered my ears so I couldn’t hear what animal my glass was filled with. It was all fine and good to drink a glass of liquid that tasted like barbecue but I so did not need to know the details.

“So what’s on the go for today other than waking me up at an ungodly hour? You do know it’s my day off right? You owe me like five hours of sleep.”

“Well I thought I’d make sure you were well fed and in a cheerful—well, tolerable mood—and then take you out for some retail therapy.”

“Shopping? Why didn’t you say so!” I gulped down some more bacon and chugged the rest of my barbecue juice and scurried off to my bedroom to get ready.

I brushed my hair, put on a cute green baby doll dress and flip flops and went back to the kitchen. The spotless kitchen. Seriously, not a remnant or dirty dish from the huge breakfast could be found anywhere. I calculated in my head. It couldn’t have possibly taken me longer than three minutes. Maybe five, max.

Finn was sitting on the couch reading a GQ magazine. He must’ve sensed my puzzlement cause he didn’t even glance up at me.

“Vampire speed. It’s great for household chores.” He stood up, slung his man-bag across his chest and gave me a big mischievous grin he held the front door open for me. I rolled my eyes and flung my hair at him in response.

The shops in Bar Harbor were more like boutiques. Downtown was picturesque, if a bit overpriced, but pleasant to walk through on a sunny summer day. I especially enjoyed the admiration from guys who were yet again having drinks on the nearby patios. One guy whistled loudly and I smiled at him.

“You never get tired of that do you?” Finn asked.

“Nothing wrong with being attractive. Might as well flaunt it while I got it. I’ll probably need botox and lipo once I hit thirty.” Or would I? A idea occurred to me. “Hey, are fairies and vampires immortal?”

Finn glanced my way and had his mouth open to answer my question when I felt someone grab my arm. I tensed and turned around quickly, my heart racing.

“Hey sweet thing, why don’t you come to my party tonight?” It was the guy who whistled at me from the patio.

I shrugged out of his grip and flipped my hair.

“Well I already have plans, but I might be able to pop in for a few minutes. As long as it’s not going to be lame, I don’t want to waste my time.”

“It won’t be lame babe, trust me.” He handed me a piece of napkin with his digits on it and “Josh” scribbled under it. “It’s by Hull’s Cove. See you tonight.” He turned around to walk back to his friends who were giving him thumbs up and big smiles. I had to admit he had a nice ass.

“You’re not actually going to go to that party are you?” Finn asked as we continued down the street.

“Why not? Nothing else going on.”

“But you told him you already had plans.”

“Are you really that naive vamp boy? I don’t know how things work in your world but in this one you gotta play the games. Never let a guy know you have nothing going on in your life besides him. He gets cocky, takes you for granted, gets bored and drops you like that.” I snapped my fingers. “In fact, I might not show up, just to prove to him that he was last on my priority list.”

“But you don’t even know him, do you?”

“No, but that’s exactly the point. Nothing worse than a desperate girl who swoons and drools all over a guy who gives her a bit of attention. Geesh, no wonder you’re single.” Or at least I assumed he was. Anyone who volunteered to babysit a new vampire/fairy/human twenty-four seven must not have much of a social life at all.

Finn was pretty quiet and a little moody for the rest of the afternoon. He only bought one shirt while I treated myself to a new Louis Vuitton wallet and three light pink shades of lip gloss to match the new blonde hair.

We went back to my place and he made us supper, which consisted of almost-raw steaks and more of the “tomato juice”, and then I decided to shower and get ready for the party. Finn looked like he needed a pick-me-up, so I told him we would go to the party and I would make sure we had a good time. I even suggested that maybe he’d meet someone he liked there. That seemed to cheer him up a bit.

The party was rockin’! We could hear the tunes blasting out as we made our way towards the cove and when we arrived, people were handing us drinks before we could get our seatbelts off. I could tell Finn accepted a drink only so he could fit in, but I immediately downed my beer (hey, it was “lite”), and got ready to start partying it up! It didn’t take me long to find the guy from the patio. He came over to me right away and handed me another beer.

“Glad you were able to squeeze me into your action-packed schedule.”

“Who said I came here for you?”

“Ouch. Score one for blondie. Maybe I’ll just take that beer back then.” He grinned and stepped towards me. He was really hot, in a bad boy kind of way. He had a large scar over his left eyebrow, high cheekbones, and (okay I admit it) very kissable lips. His dark eyes were mysterious, and matched his dark, slightly messy hair. He wore only jeans and a white sleeveless shirt that showed off both his biceps and his tattoos. I couldn’t make out what the ink was in the light from the bonfire, but they looked like tribal symbols of some kind. He had one piercing that I could see and it was beneath his bottom lip.

He didn’t look like one you’d take home to mom, but he he sure looked like he knew how to give a girl a good time. He was older, mid-twenties maybe, but with age comes experience. I smiled as I thought of all the potential scenarios where experience would come in handy.

“What are you thinking about that caused that smile to shine through your dark mask?”

“None of your business,” He stepped closer. “And I don’t have a dark mask.”

He touched my temple with his finger, sliding it down my cheek and bouncing it off my bottom lip. It gave me goosebumps. It gave me…an aching back? No, it wasn’t aching, it was itchy. God, what a horrible time to get an itch. I stepped backwards so I was against the tree that was behind me and swayed back and forth, rubbing the itch.

“If you wanted to dance, all you had to do was ask.” He came towards me again and pressed up against me so that his body was swaying with mine. It felt good, but the itching wouldn’t stop. The more I wanted to have Mr. Hot-Guy grind his hips against mine, the more my back itched and ached until I finally couldn’t take it any more.

“I gotta go.” I pushed him away and ran over to where Finn was sitting on a piece of driftwood. He had been watching me, and walked towards me to see what was wrong.

“What’s up buttercup? He wasn’t your style?”

“Not funny Finn. My back…” I kept trying to scratch it but I couldn’t reach the right spot. “Can you see if there’s some creepy bug or something there? Do I have hives? God, I can’t take the itching!” He gave me a concerned look and then lifted my hair and took a peek under my collar.

“Oh!” He dropped my hair and took off his expensive, designer hoodie.

“Oh? That’s all you have to say? Oh?!” He wrapped the hoodie around my shoulders.

“I think we should go home now.”

“What the hell? No way, we just got here.” I took another swig of my beer for good measure. “What is wrong with my back?”

“Come on Tianna, let’s go.”

“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what is wrong with my back. And call me Melanie, someone might hear you.” I looked around just to make sure no one did hear him.

“If you’re afraid someone might overhear that, then trust me when I say you won’t want anyone to overhear what I have to say about your back.”

Shit. That couldn’t be good.

“Ok, let’s cut. You drive.” I tossed him the keys and hopped into the jeep, my beer buzz completely gone. As we peeled out, I glanced back at Mr. Hot Guy and realized I didn’t even get to tell him my name. He was staring right at me. Then he blew me a kiss and laughed.

My back was itching out of control again. I kept rubbing it against the seat of the Jeep but found no relief.

“Would you stop that?” Finn exclaimed as he looked over at me. I glared at him and was about to say something back at him but was overcome with nauseousness. The paranoia was back too. Someone or something was near us.

“Um, Finn, do you happen to have baking soda in your bag tonight?” My stomach was doing somersaults.

“Always. Why? Tianna what’s wrong?” Then he stiffened, like he just got a whiff of something. “Goblin.”

“Goblin? You’re kidding, right?” He didn’t look like he was kidding. Well that was just great.

We were driving on a road that went through a forest, so there was no safe place to stop or find someone to help. The trees whizzed past as Finn stomped on the gas pedal.

“Over there!” I grabbed Finn’s arm with my left hand and pointed with my right. Ahead of us, among the trees, was a set of very creepy yellow eyes.

“Hang on.”

I didn’t even want to know what the speedometer was reading. The eyes kept getting closer and closer as we moved faster through the trees. The bumpy road was knocking us all around in the Jeep and I hung onto the door, digging my fingernails into the plastic. The eyes were hypnotic. Evil. And they were focused only on me.

The jeep veered closer and closer. I could see an outline of a body now, which looked like green leather that had weathered over about a gazillion years. The eyes were still staring right at me, and now I could see a nose that was too large for it’s face and included lots of bumps (I could only assume warts or the worst case of acne I’ve ever seen). Then the ick factor increased by a hundred. It smiled. One of those slow, ultra creepy smiles that you see in the movies, except this wasn’t a movie.

Omigod, omigod, omigod. That’s what my brain was saying. The words didn’t actually make it to my lips.

The creature kept staring and smiling at me as we passed by. I kept my eyes on him until he was out of my view. All of this took about ten seconds but it had felt like it was in slow motion.

A couple of silent minutes passed by in the Jeep. Speechlessness, for me, was a rare thing. Finn must’ve realized this cause he kept giving me concerned looks.

“Well, that was like the creepiest thing ever,” I managed to say as we finally pulled into my driveway.

We had barely stepped over the threshold when Bob appeared. Finn started in right away.

“Acadia, Hulls, 2230, goblin.”

“Unseelie?”

“Definitely.”

“Not good.”

“Ok you guys, stop talking in code. Remember your promise,” I pointed at Bob. “No secrets. What was all that you just said? Who was that…that….creature?”

“The creature you are referring to would be my cousin.” Bob started pacing back and forth again. I was almost getting used to it by now.

“Your cousin? By all means, feel free to explain what he was doing in the woods.”

Pace, pace.

“Well, of that I’m not sure. But I know that he has pledged his loyalty to the Unseelie Court, which does not bode well for us. If he saw you and potentially recognized who you are, the effects could be dire.”

“Just taking a guess here but I’m gonna say the Unseelie Court has something to do with my evil twin brother?”

“Yes.”

“And if this goblin cousin of yours goes back to report to the court, my evil brother will know and that’s where the dire results part comes in right?”

“Correct.”

“And since he’s on the evil side of the tracks, there would be no point in, say, holding a little family reunion and asking your cousin to switch sides or anything huh? Maybe a bribe? Does he like wine? I could ask my parents to send him some.”

“There is no reasoning or bargaining with the Unseelie Court, Miss Tianna. Unless you were bargaining your soul. Maybe then.” He gave me a sharp look. “That was not a suggestion.”

“No worries there Bobby, I am rather fond of my soul.”

“So what is your plan Bob?” Finn asked.

“I’m not sure yet. I suppose it depends on whether he recognized you.”

They both looked at me. I remembered the creepy eyes and the even creepier smile.

“Um, well, I’m not sure if I look like my brother or anything but I’m pretty sure he saw…something in me.”

“Something?”

“Well, he smiled,” I shuddered, scared I would never get the image of his ugly face out of my head.

“Doesn’t bode well, doesn’t bode well at all.” Pace, pace, pace, pace.

The gnome and vampire in my living room both looked so miserable, I had to lighten the mood a bit.

“So, great party huh Finn? Maybe we’ll hit up another one next weekend?” I punched him in the arm in a buddy-to-buddy kind of way. The party was good, and that Josh guy was so hot, which reminded me.

“HEY! You never explained what was wrong with my back!” I panicked and ran to the bathroom. I rearranged myself around the counter to get a glimpse of my back in the mirror, lifting up my shirt, pulling it down. It was no use. There was nothing there that I could see.

“Tianna, I think what happened to your back is another power of sorts.”

“My itchy back is a power?” My head was starting to pound. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples with my fingers.

“I’ll be right back.”

I opened my eyes only to see my door open and a blur of a hot gay vampire whoosh out of it. I stomped my foot impatiently for the entire fifteen seconds he was gone.

He whooshed back in and thrust a bag of blood in my face. “First, drink this.” I didn’t argue. Sweet barbecue sauce goodness. Mmm, mmm. When I was finished, he handed me a book.

“Read this page.” I looked at him like he was crazy. The book was a paperback and on the cover was a picture of a scantily clad chick with fake boobs and a Fabio wannabe holding her in his arms.

“You want me to read a Harlequin? I don’t understand.”

“Just read it already!”

I made a face but was still on a happy buzz from the blood so I started reading.

His hand slid up my thigh as he leaned in towards me. Our lips met, tenderly at first, but then I was enveloped with a passion I hadn’t felt in years. His hand kept crawling up my thigh until he reached…

Well now, this was interesting.

…moved down my neck and chest until his tongue found my nipple.

My back started to ache a bit, and as I kept reading it continued to ache and itch. By the time I was done one page (and one complete clothing removal of the characters in the book) my back was itching so bad I couldn’t concentrate on the words on the page.

“Ow! What is going on Finn?” I pleaded with him.

“Just relax Tianna, don’t scratch or rub your back.” Bob had a slight grin on his face. Why was I always the last to know what was going on?

Finn lead me to the bathroom and handed me a mirror, then lifted up the back of my shirt and pointed. I looked at the reflection of my back in the big mirror and saw it reflected back at me in the handheld mirror. Right between my shoulder blades. Delicate, shimmering, transparent with hints of gold and deep purple.

“Wings?”

“Wings.”

“Are they supposed to be this tiny?” I squinted a bit and tilted my head so I could see them from the side. Shimmering, pretty, but definitely small.

“In proportion to your fangs I would guess.” Bob answered.

“So that means they’re smaller than every other set of fairy wings because I’m this fantastic mix of vampire and fairy. Gee, thanks biological mom and dad for giving me half of everything that has the potential to actually be cool.”

He smirked in response so I took that as a positive. My wings were indeed smaller than everyone else’s.

Still, they were pretty. They were like a Halloween costume that didn’t come off. Wait.

“How do I make them go away?” I started to panic, picturing the end of tank tops, tube tops, bikinis, strapless dresses…

“They’ll go away after your emotions have relaxed somewhat. And soon you’ll be able to control both your fangs and wings better so you won’t have to rely so much on exterior influences.”

Exterior influences. I glanced at the romance novel I still held in my hand.

“So the connection is…?” I looked from book to Finn, back to the book, back to Finn. He had an amused look on his face. He was obviously waiting for me to figure out the solution on my own.

“So when I read soft porn and hang out with a hot guy my wings come out to play.” I opened my eyes wide and could almost see the imaginary lightbulb going off over my head. “My wings are the equivalent of an erection. Please, just kill me now. No really, kill me.”

I groaned and made my way back to the living room, plopping myself down on the couch and pouting. My love life was over. No more dates, no more sex. I was destined to be a single, celibate, blood drinking half-breed queen of gnomes and dragons for the rest of my life. No elaborate, break-the-bank wedding, no honeymoon, no kids. Did I mention the lack of sex??

Of course that was assuming I could find someone who could accept my love for raw meat and animal blood. I guess vegetarians were out. How was I ever going to have a love life again?

I let out a long whine and buried my face in my hands. Finn sat down next to me.

“Now now, stop wallowing in self pity. You will be able to control your fangs and wings over time. I’m not a fairy but I believe the wings come out when the fairy is very happy or excited. Arousal would fit into that category.” He paused to chuckle. “Think of this like another adolescent phase. Hormonal changes and all that jazz. I mean honestly, your fangs are barely even noticeable.”

I heard a bit of a snicker again and I lifted my head up from my hands long enough to give Finn a glare equivalent to a death threat. He just smiled and wrapped his arms around me. “Any guy who can’t see how beautiful your wings are just isn’t worthy of your love.” He lifted my chin up with his finger. “They may not be the biggest, but they are by far the prettiest. Now turn that frown upside down cupcake!”

I rolled my eyes. Cheesy pep talks weren’t going to change the size of my wings or length of my fangs. Or my lack of a love life. I continued to pout.

“Ahem,” Bob cleared his throat while still pacing. “Back to the goblin business. I’m going to head back to our world and see if I can find out anything. You two stay here and stay out of trouble. Finn, I’m counting on you to keep Tianna safe.”