Queen of the Freaks

“Are you sure about this Ti?” Finn asked nervously. His shirt was slightly wrinkled and some of his normally-perfect hair was out of place. He was a wreck!

“Of course I’m sure vamp boy. Breathe and let me do the talking. You just keep your eyes open for anything that seems out of the norm and then wait for my cue for the army to attack.” I glanced over at him, noticing beads of sweat along his forehead. “Seriously dude, why are you so nervous? You were the one who saved me from the fire breathing dragon, remember? Thanks for that, by the way.” I sheepishly added.

“That was a dragon. This is Tristan.”

“He’s just my lame ass brother. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t breathe fire or anything.”

Finn sighed and didn’t reply. I tried to not let his nervousness affect my positive mood. Everything was in place, I was sure of it. All I had to do was say my cue and then the army that Bob and Fernaco had rounded up would attack and we would take the bad guys out. Hopefully without too many injuries or losses on our side. True, my brother had stolen magic which would make him strong. How strong, we didn’t know, but surely our army could take him on. I was counting on it.

“You remember what you’re supposed to do once the army attacks right?” I asked Finn as we walked closer to the edge of the forest.

“Duh, Ti, I’m nervous but I’m not dumb.”

“Okay, just checking. You’re kind of freaking me out dude.”

His job was to save Amy. Nothing more. Once the army attacked and distracted Stan and Josh, Finn needed to get Amy far away from the battle. He didn’t like the idea when I assigned him the role because he wanted to protect me instead, but I knew I could count on him to keep her safe. I only hoped Amy could forgive me when it was all over.

We kept walking but Finn had to slow down so I could keep up with him.

“I don’t know why you insisted on wearing those shoes Ti,” He criticized as he looked down at my feet. “We’re going to be walking in a forest not on a runway.”

“They may not be practical, but they look fantastic!” I answered, moving my feet so that I could see all angles of my new beautiful stilettos. They made me look hot, and therefore I felt confident, which was what I needed. Besides, if I was to die in a battle of magical freaks I was going to go out with the hottest pair of shoes on my feet.

“Okay,” Finn announced. “We’re here. You want to say the words or do you want me to?”

I dug my cell phone out of my pocket and then played back the recording of Stan’s voice. I repeated the words phonetically, stumbling and sounding like a fool but once I was done I grinned up at Finn. He looked embarrassed, yet slightly amused.

“Well, that was interesting.” He mumbled.

“Once I’m queen I plan on changing that to plain English. Something like ‘Yo, let me in biatch’ would be much better.”

Finn’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head and his jaw dropped.

“Relax dude! I’m just trying to lighten up the mood a little. I wouldn’t change the precious Latin words.”

“Gaelic,” He corrected me.

“Whatev.” I replied. I chuckled and shook my head before stepping through the wall of invisible jello.

“So nice to see you again sis,” Stan stood near a tree with his hands in his pockets, clearly relaxed and confident. Finn stepped in close beside me.

I wasn’t expecting to see Stan and Josh so quickly and my stomach did a few turns. I hoped Fernaco could still sense where I was and could move the army into position.

Josh let out a long whistle. “Well look at you hotstuff! You wore your fuck-me shoes I see.” He stepped closer to me. “If that’s what you want, I would be happy to oblige.” He cupped his hand around his crotch and it made me want to puke.

“In your dreams asshole,” I snapped, taking a step backwards.

“Funny how things change. A day ago you would’ve gladly bent over for me.”

“Listen up fucker—“

“Enough!” Stan yelled, cutting my retort off. “We have business to attend to.” His expression remained hard.

Right. Business. I glanced over at Finn, who wiped the sweat away from his brow. Not exactly encouraging. I sent out a message to the army through my mind.

“Everyone ready in your positions?”

No response.

“I hope you don’t mind princess,” Stan took his hands out of his pockets and started walking closer to me. “But I took the liberty of enclosing us in a protective circle.”

“A circle?” I was starting to panic. Where was Fernaco?

“Yes. Just a little extra security measure. This way we can have a civilized conversation without interference from anyone.”

“What do you mean?”

“I forgot that I need to use small words around you,” he sneered. “Picture an invisible electric fence around us. No one on the outside can get in and no one on the inside can get out.”

I tried to keep a straight face so he wouldn’t see the horror I was feeling on the inside.

“That is, no one can get out until I break the spell, which I will gladly do once you decline your position.” He smiled. I didn’t smile back.

“Where’s Amy?” I demanded.

“She’s here, I’ve just made her invisible to us and made us invisible to her. This way she won’t end up observing our little interaction and I won’t have to erase her memory. See, I’m always thinking of your best interests.”

“Hello? Anyone out there?” I pleaded desperately to Fernaco and the army. Out loud I said, “I will decline the position but only if you make Amy visible so I can see that she’s safe.”

“Silly girl,” Stan laughed. “If she sees us then she will ask questions and we can’t have her roaming around the human world with knowledge of us.”

“She can handle it. I’ll explain it all to her. Take the invisible spell thing off of her or there won’t be any deal.” I stamped my foot down to show him I meant business.

“Fine.” He snapped. I was hoping to buy time, but Stan surprised me by giving in quicker than I expected. He really did want my powers. Which made me more determined to make sure he didn’t get them.

Why the HELL was the army not responding to me? Surely I could trust a unicorn?

Something shimmering on my right caught my eye.

“Amy!” I exclaimed as I ran over to her as she became fully visible. She was still tied up but she was awake and, thankfully, looked unharmed.

“Mel? When did you dye your hair blonde? Where are we? Who are those guys? Why am I tied up?” She looked at me frantically. “Untie me!”

I looked at the chains and knew I couldn’t touch them. She would have to stay tied up until Finn could get to her.

“I’m so sorry Amy. I know it’s confusing shit right now, but please trust me that you’re going to be okay. I’m going to get you home safely.”

“Awwww,” Stan sniffed a couple of times and pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. “Touching, really touching.” Josh laughed.

“Your Majesty?” Fernaco’s voice spoke through my mind.

Finally!

“Thank God, you scared me half to death!” My relief only lasted a second though. “Fernaco, Stan set up this circle thing. He said no one can get in or out of it. What do we do?”

“Melanie? Seriously, what’s going on?” Amy asked.

“We’re waiting for the magic words.” Stan said.

No response from Fernaco. I was pretty sure my head was going to explode.

I needed to buy time. Taking a cue from the movie world, I wavered for a moment in my shoes and then collapsed to the ground.

“Ti?” I heard Finn cry out. I felt his hand on my face.

“Fernaco!” I called out in my mind. “I need a solution now, I can’t stall any longer.”

“What the hell is wrong with her?” I heard Stan ask Finn. I continued to keep my eyes closed, hoping they would all buy the act.

“I don’t know. She’s never passed out before.” Finn answered. “Ti? Tianna? Wake up honey.” He touched my forehead and my cheeks. I felt bad for him because I knew he was sincerely worried about me.

“Your majesty, I’ve tried to penetrate the circle and I’m afraid it’s no use. His magic is too strong and we cannot get inside. You’re on your own until Tristan drops the power on the circle.”

“That’s so not what I needed to hear right now Fernaco. I can’t fight him on my own, I’m not strong enough.” Fear rippled through me.

“Use the power of your mother’s love. You’re stronger than you think. I believe in you.”

Oh awesome, a unicorn believed in me. A lot of fucking good that’ll do me.

“I have something that’ll wake her up.” I heard Josh say.

“No!” Finn cried out before I felt the most searing pain run through my body. Again.

“Bloody fucking hell!” I shouted as I sat up. The chains had only touched me for a few seconds but it was enough to make me want to pass out for real.

“See?” Josh grinned. “All better.”

“You idiot!” Stan slapped Josh across the face. “I want her at full capacity when I take her powers.”

The chains had weakened me momentarily, but I could feel my strength coming back. Finn helped me stand up again.

“You alright?” He spoke quietly.

“Been better.” I replied truthfully. I felt the emerald under my shirt heat up again. I had almost forgotten about it until Fernaco mentioned my mother’s love. The more it heated up, the stronger I felt.

“Mel?” Amy whimpered. I looked over at her and smiled weakly. I wished I had time to explain things to her, but she was all tied up and—wait a minute. She was sitting in the chair rubbing her wrists. Josh had taken the chains off her hands before he used them on me. I glanced to my left. The chains that were in Josh’s hands had slipped onto the ground when Stan slapped him. I made a mental note and hoped no one else noticed.

I looked over at my brother. The impatient look on his face told me that I was running out of time.

“Okay, you want me to say the official words so I’ll say them.” I focused on the heat that was surging through my body as everyone turned their attention to me.

“I, Tianna, also known as Melanie,” I glanced over at Amy. “Want it to be known by all that my will and desire is to officially accept the position as Queen and ruler of this magical world.”

“You fool!” Stan cried out. “What have you done? You are bound to your declaration!”

The heat from the necklace continued to grow and I felt like I was sitting on a beach in the tropics. I felt relaxed, calm and strong. Really strong. I turned to face my brother.

“Well then, sucks to be you.” I said to him. He looked dangerously furious.

I didn’t have time to stop and chat about my decision. Josh had his knife out and was coming straight for me. With my awesome speed and skills I was able to move out of the way every time he tried to stab me.

“Amy,” I called out. “Grab the chains and run to the edge of the circle.”

I blocked Josh again, growing tired of his game of stab-the-queen. Amy managed to pick up the chains but before she had a chance to take a single step, Stan had her by the throat. Damn, I forgot that he had the same super speed that I had.

Her face was deep red and she was gasping for air. Sheer terror ran through me.

“There is no way to undo the damage you have created,” Stan bellowed, “I gave you a chance for freedom but now you leave me with no choice.” I noticed that Amy still had the chains in her hand, but she was barely hanging on to them. If only she could hit Stan with them, it would give me a moment to free her.

I didn’t know if it would work, but I had to try.

“Amy? Amy if you can hear me, it’s Mel. Amy, you have to hit him with the chains. Please Amy, please hear me. Hit him with the chains.”

Her eyes were closing as she was running out of breath. The chains were slipping from her fingers and her face was a scary purple color.

“Amy please! Hit him with the chains!” I repeated, trying to harness all of the heat from the emerald that hung around my neck.

“First your friend will die, and then I will finish off the two of you.” Stan continued.

Amy’s eyes were closed now and I wasn’t sure how much longer she had to live.

For just a moment I thought I saw her fingers twitch. Then, almost like I was watching in slow motion, I saw her wrist flick and the chains wrapped around Stan’s leg. He let out a bellowing cry and released his grip on her. Perfect.

I snatched the opportunity and grabbed Amy away from him. She was limp in my arms and I could see the imprints of Stan’s fingers on her neck. That bastard was going to pay.

“Amy?” I called out to her. She had to live, she just had to. I bent over to see if she was still breathing. She was, barely.

“Noooooo!” Finn’s voice came from behind me. I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see my bodyguard stab Josh through the heart with a large wooden stake. Josh had only been about a foot away from me, knife in hand and this close to killing me. Or at least causing some serious damage. Reason number one why you can never turn your back on an opponent. Lesson learned.

I stared at Josh, watching the blood pour out of him, his face going pale and gasping his final breaths. It was too late to save him, I knew, but dammit I didn’t really want to kill anyone. Josh was just a human. An evil sonofabitch human, but a human nonetheless. I couldn’t help but feel he was somehow innocent in all of this. Got tangled up in the wrong crowd and whatnot.

I looked over at Finn, who looked fairly proud of himself.

“A wooden stake through the heart works just as good on humans.” He said between breaths.

I guess he felt like he earned back his bodyguard reputation.

Stan was still writhing in pain but the chains didn’t seem to weaken him nearly as much as they had for me. He was almost done kicking the chains off of himself. And he looked mad. Really, really mad.

“Finn, take her,” I said as I handed Amy to the vampire, trying to ignore the dead body on the ground.

I had to distract Stan and keep him focused on me so that Amy and Finn stayed safe.

“You don’t seem upset that your prodigy is dead,” I said to him.

He was still struggling against the chains. “He was just a measly human. Replaceable.”

“Is that how you feel about the pixies too?” I snapped back.

“Lesser beings,” he replied. “Their power is only worthwhile if it’s harnessed in the right way.”

“And what way is that, exactly?”

“My father’s way.”

Huh?

“Our father was on the good side, you idiot.” I said. “He would never kill pixies for power.”

He grunted as he continued to fight the chains. “Not the weak vampire who obeyed the fairy queen. My true father, Dagda.”

Oh Lord, was this for real?

“So this Dadga dude kidnaps you and raises you to be all evil and you think he’s your daddy? You’ve got some serious issues.”

“Long live Dagda!” He cried out.

Alrighty then. Yep, serious issues.

“So, how’s your daddy been doing these days? Alive and kicking? Playing golf on weekends?”

“You need to learn how to respect your elders.” He quipped. His strength seemed to be weakening the more he talked.

“Not so sure about the respect part, but he certainly is my elder. What is he, like a gazillion years old? He’ll probably need to move into a retirement home soon. But don’t worry, there are some nice ones now with lawn bowling and stuff.”

I could see he was getting more worked up with every insult I tossed out.

“So, what if I wanted to have a little chat with your daddy? Does he have a cell phone number I can reach him with? Or are phones too modern for the old geezer?

“Dadga would never speak to you,” my brother spat out. “He only wants to destroy you.”

Duh.

“That’s why I tried to give you a chance.” He continued. “I gave you a chance to survive and you messed it up, the way you always mess things up.”

“Ouch. Harsh words, bro. My question, though, is why’d you give me a chance at all? I mean, you’re all Mr. Evil and Defender of Dagda, but instead of killing me, you gave me a chance to live. How is that evil?”

“A momentary lapse in judgment that I plan to rectify right now.” He announced. Except that he wasn’t quite free from the chains so he didn’t take so much as a step forward.

I couldn’t help it. I laughed. A full-out giggle fit. Maybe it was from all of the stress and tension, but hearing Stan announce that he was going to attack me and then seeing that he couldn’t move made me double over until I had tears coming down my face.

“I’m sorry,” I said while wiping the tears. “You were just all RAWR and then nothing happened and—“ I heard the clinking of chains hitting the ground.

Ah shit.

“You should’ve killed me while you still had a chance dear sister,” He sneered. “Like I said, you’re always messing things up.”

“A momentary lapse in judgment I plan to rectify right now,” I shot his own words back through clenched teeth.

We stood there, face to face, with eyes locked. I could still feel the heat from the necklace against my skin and I remembered the pictures that were inside the locket. It’s you and your brother, two of the three people your mother loved more than anyone else. Fernaco’s words flashed through my mind and I wondered what my mother would say if she saw her twin children about to fight to the death. Well, my birth mother. My adopted mother would probably shriek and pass out if she saw me right now.

I wasn’t sure how strong Stan was, but I didn’t see a weapon in his hands and I knew the chains would have weakened him. Soon, though, his full strength would return. I only had a small window of opportunity.

Still, doubt entered my mind. Would my mother want me to kill my brother? Would killing him really be the best solution? Could he be changed or had Dagda truly turned him evil forever?

Stan’s cold eyes were still staring at mine. I tried not to show the doubt on my face, but he must’ve seen it because he started to smile.

“Always messing up.” He said quietly through his smiling lips. Before I had the time to think of a comeback, he was running straight at me with a stake in his hand.

Where the fuck did the stake come from??

I dodged out of the way, stumbling a little in my stilettos but managing to stay upright.

He came at me again, this time leaping in the air and as I moved to my left, he managed to catch my shoulder. Blood started to pour out immediately.

“Son of a bitch!” I cried out as I tried to wipe some of the blood away. I didn’t have much time to see how bad the wound was, however, because he was once again attacking. I saw the stake coming straight for my heart and I was only barely able to move out of the way again. If he hadn’t been weakened by the iron I would have totally been dead. I knew my speed and strength, even with the necklace helping, weren’t enough to beat him when he got his full powers back. The window of opportunity was slowly closing and I had to act fast.

“You are so shallow and dumb,” He came at me again, and again I barely got out of the way, my heels tripping on the uneven forest floor. “That you would rather wear fashionable shoes and die than look like a slob and have a slim shot at winning.” He chuckled as he swung from the left. I ducked and rolled along the forest floor. I glanced at my shoes. They were a little dirty but still gorgeous. They were also my Plan B.

I had hoped that I wouldn’t have to use Plan B, but at this point it was self defense or die. My mother, wherever she was (magical heaven?), would have to understand that I had no choice. I took a deep breath and tried to harness all the love and power that was inside the emerald as I got to my feet. Stan was standing dangerously close to me, stake in hand and ready to deliver the fatal blow.

This was my last chance. I held my chin up proudly and grinned at my twin brother. He looked confused.

“Never underestimate a blonde.” I said, just as my leg swung up and around, the heel of my stiletto piercing through Stan’s skin and into his chest.

The look of shock and pain that registered on his face was something I would never forget for the rest of my life. I could’ve sworn I saw a hint of regret and sadness in his eyes too. I let the shoe fall off my foot, so that the long narrow heel stayed inside Stan’s chest. The stake fell from his hand and onto the ground.

“I’m sorry Stan,” I said quietly, standing in one shoe and on the toes of my bare foot. “It didn’t have to be this way.”

The last minute errand I had made with Josh’s Mustang in Bar Harbor was to a specialty shop. The heels of my new stilettos were replaced so that one half was made of iron and the other half made of teak wood. A deadly combination for someone who was half fairy and half vampire. Sure, the shop people thought I was strange for wanting iron and wood stiletto heels, but that didn’t matter now.

I watched as Stan’s face paled and his eyes lost their vibrancy.

My brother, my only brother, was dying in front of my eyes. The doubt started to creep back into me. Stan continued to stare at me, not saying a word.

“Courage, your majesty.” Fernaco’s voice spoke inside my head. I could hear a bunch of footsteps behind me and I knew the circle was broken. My army had arrived, and yet, I could not tear my eyes away from my brother.

If I took the shoe out of his chest he would live. Maybe he could join us, maybe we could defeat Dagda together. My hand started to move out towards the shoe.

“Always,” he gasped, “messing up.”

My hand reached out to remove the shoe, my last chance to save him, but he had already shimmered out of sight.

“Dammit!” I muttered under my breath.

“Is he dead?” Finn called out. I looked over my shoulder. Amy looked pale and extremely confused, but safe and unharmed. Finn had wrapped his jacket around her to keep her warm.

“Yeah,” I answered. “He’s dead.” Sadness filled up in my heart. Two deaths today because of me.

“Something tells me those aren’t normal shoes.” Finn said as he brought Amy towards me.

“I had iron and wood put into the heels,” I answered unenthusiastically, still in a daze.

“Iron and wood through his heart? Yes, he’s definitely dead. You did good, girl!” He smiled at me and I half-smiled back. I was exhausted, emotionally drained and needed a big bag of—

“Here,” Finn handed me a bright red bag and straw from his man-purse.

“Bless your vampire heart Finn!”

“Vampire?” Amy asked. Uh oh. I had forgotten that I’d have to explain all the craziness to her.

“Um, Amy,” I said between gulps. “This was all just a drama production. We’re rehearsing for a big play. I meant to tell you about it but I um, forgot.”

“Drama production my ass! I just saw a hot guy get stabbed with a shoe and then vanish out of thin air. There’s a horse with a glow stick on his head behind you, and I’m pretty sure that’s a real corpse over there,” She pointed at Josh’s dead body. “There are midgets with wings flying around, you’re drinking blood from a hospital bag and apparently I’m being protected by Dracula. What the fuck is going on?”

“I would never guess you two were friends.” Finn said sarcastically. I stuck my tongue out at him, which was probably red and gross from the blood. I was starting to feel much more like myself and my shoulder was healing quite nicely, but my heart still felt heavy with sadness.

“Perhaps we should let Finn convince your friend that everything is fine until you have some time to explain things to her back in the human realm.” Fernaco’s wise voice spoke through my mind.

“Convince? Like possess?” I said out loud. Amy looked at me like I had two heads. Finn looked amused. “Oh, alright. I need some time to figure out how the hell I’m going to explain it all anyways. At least she’s safe and that’s all that matters for now. Work your mojo vamp boy.”

“Huh?” Amy could not possibly have looked more confused.

Finn gently touched her chin and moved her face towards his so he could look her in the eyes. While he said his abracadabra stuff, I turned and faced my army.

And what an army it was! My doubts of not having anyone show up were immediately erased. There were dozens of animals, creatures I had never seen before (was that guy an ogre?), pixies flying around, gnomes, and even a few humans who I had to assume were actually vampires.

“Wow,” I exclaimed. “I am impressed. Thank you for showing up today.” They all stared at me. Thankfully, most were smiling, which was encouraging. No one said anything. I got the impression they were waiting for a royal speech or something. Crap.

“So,” I cleared my throat. “Um, as you may or may not be aware, I have officially accepted the position as queen.” There was cheering and a few called out things like ‘we’re saved’ and ‘long live the queen’. No pressure.

“Is Tristan really dead?” One orange and pink winged pixie asked. Aw, she was so cute.

“Yes, he is dead, but unfortunately Dadga is still alive somewhere.” That made them all silent again. “And I’m pretty sure he won’t be too impressed when he finds out that Stan—Tristan—is no longer around to take over the throne as he had planned.”

“So what do we do?” Another pixie asked. They certainly liked to ask questions. I looked over a Fernaco for help. Honestly, I didn’t quite know how to answer that one.

“I can assure you,” Bob spoke up as he stepped out from the crowd. Man, was I happy to see him! “That we are working on plans and strategies around the clock. We have succeeded in eliminating the threat to the throne and now we will continue with our plans to destroy Dagda.” The crowd seemed to relax somewhat.

“For now,” he continued. “Let’s focus on the queen’s coronation ceremony and celebrate today’s achievements.” Bob looked back at me, his white beard curving up as he smiled.

“Bob’s right.” I said to the crowd. “Let’s all go home and celebrate!” It wasn’t much of a first royal speech but it worked. The crowd cheered and then they started vanishing, literally. Seriously, when did I get to learn how to do that??

I glanced at Amy, nervous about her reaction to the creatures’ vanishing tricks, but she looked cool as a cucumber. Finn’s voodoo must have worked.

“Alright scooby gang,” I said to Finn, Amy and Bob. “Let’s go back to weirdo headquarters and—“

Suddenly I was back in my apartment living room. I felt fine other than the overwhelming urge to puke my guts out.

“What the hell?”

“I thought you might want to experience it for yourself.” Bob ginned at me.

“You read minds now or something Bobby?” He just kept grinning. “Right then. So, I think the first thing we need to do is fill Amy in on what she witnessed today.”

“Are you sure about that Ti?” Finn asked. “I could tweak her mind some more so that she wouldn’t know anything that happened.”

“You will do no such thing!” I lashed out at him. “She’s a big girl and my BFF. She will know what I am because I do not keep secrets from her. Besides, we need another girl in this group of misfits. No offense vampy.”

“None taken.” Finn said proudly.

“So, why don’t you guys pop back into the other world and take care of Josh’s…remains,” I grimaced. “And I’ll have a heart to heart chat with Amy here.”

“With all due respect my lady, what do you plan on doing with the body?” Bob asked.

“Well I don’t know what happens to you magical folk when you die—if you die—but in this world we respect the dead. The guy was a total creep but he deserves like a burial or an obituary or something.”

“Consider it done, Your Majesty.” Bob bowed.

“Hey now, just because I said the fancy words doesn’t mean you have to get all Your Majesty on me again. Remember our rules Bobby!”

“Yes, Tianna.” He barely had the words out before he vanished from sight.

“What about you, pretty boy?”

“I’m staying by your side.” Finn straightened up. “A queen needs her bodyguard with her at all times.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Fine. Just don’t let it go to your head.”

“’Ey, shut up over der,” Jim called out. “I’m trying tuh nap.”

I had forgotten about Jimbo. There were over a dozen wine bottles sitting on my dining room table and none of them had corks in them. I walked over towards the goblin, stopping to pick up a bottle that was laying by his feet.

“Ew, are you drooling Jimbo?” I was disgusted by the slobber that ran down his chin. “Where the hell did all the wine go?”

“In mah belly!” He hiccuped, burped and then laughed.

“You’re…drunk??” I asked, even though it was quite obvious that he was.

“Ninety-nine bottles of wine on the floor, ninety-nine bottles of wine,” he started to sing. Loudly. I turned to Finn.

“I thought you said we can’t get drunk?”

“I said vampires can’t get drunk. Goblins are a whole other species. Frankly I think his capacity for liquor is quite impressive.”

I looked at the numerous empties and then back at the singing, hiccuping goblin in front of me.

“How did you drink all of these with your hands tied?” I yelled above the singing.

“Easy M’am, I just used magic!” His lips turned up in a smile, drool still running down his chin and neck and I wasn’t sure he could look more disgusting to me. Then he farted.

“Ah fuck, open the damn window Finn!” He rushed to the dining room window and opened it all the way. “And I’m not old Jimmy, so don’t call me M’am.”

“Well with that mouth, you ain’t a Miss!”

“Shut it Jumbostink.” I snapped back. He didn’t seem overly concerned and went back to singing about the last ninety-three bottles of wine on the floor.

Amy looked shocked, confused, slightly afraid and grossed out. I grabbed her arm and dragged her into my room.

“Ginger happy to see Tianna!”

“I’m happy to see you too girl,” I answered as I patted her head.

“Amy, sit.” I demanded. She gave me a weird look and sat on the edge of my bed. “Okay Finn, undo the voodoo.”

“It’s not voodoo, Ti—“

“Doesn’t matter dude, just make her normal again. I can’t handle zombie Amy.”

I grimaced as I noticed the bruises that were starting to show on her neck from Tristan’s hands. My dead twin brother’s hands. My only blood connection. My mind started to wander back to the fight and how my shoe stuck out of the left side of his chest, my hand reaching towards him. Finn snapped his fingers twice to get my attention.

“Okay Ti, she’s back to—“

“What the fuck Mel?”

Yep, she was back to normal. Except she usually didn’t even swear much unless she was drunk or really, really, really upset. This wasn’t going to be easy.

“Amy, I need you to just sit and listen for a bit,” I started. “And maybe pet the kitty.” I plopped Ginger down between us. Animals were supposed to have calming effects right? I hoped so.

“So you know how I went out and got trashed for my birthday? I so wish you could’ve been there. I think I sent you some drunk pictures and texts…sorry about that. Anyhoo, the taxi driver was this gnome guy. I know, right? Crazy! But yeah, so he was this little dude who looked just like the garden gnome in that traveling commercial.”

“God, Ti, at this rate she’ll be thirty before she finds out what’s going on.”

“Shut it, Vamp Boy.” Maybe he had a bit of a point though. I paused while I reconsidered. Amy looked like she was ready to bolt out of my room and call the loonie bin to come and take me away. “Okay, I’ll sum up.” I said decidedly. “The green guy out there? He’s a goblin. An annoying-as-hell goblin named Jimbo. Jim. This guy here,” I pointed to Finn, who stuck a pose worthy of a GQ magazine cover. “He’s a vampire named Finn. He’s also gay, so you can’t play with him. But he’s pretty and usually listens to what I tell him to do. He just occasionally enjoys red beverages.”

Amy looked skeptical but intrigued. Gotta give my girl props for even listening that long.

“Now, about me.” I was not looking forward to this part. “My parents that are in France right now are my adopted parents. My real parents are dead. My real mom was a fairy and my real dad was a vampire. Or so I’m told.” Amy was still mute so I continued. “My parents were the rulers of that world we were visiting earlier, which by default made me heir to the throne. I have—had—a twin brother named Tristan who was kidnapped by a really bad guy and wanted to do bad things to all the magical folks. You saw Tristan earlier, he was the one I stabbed with my shoe.” And killed. I took a deep breath before continuing. “But now he’s dead and I’m the only heir. I’m queen, or will be once this coronation thing is over with. Queen Tianna is what they call me instead of Melanie.”

Amy blinked twice. There was a slightly uncomfortable, long silence.

“Can you fly?” She finally asked.

“What the hell? I spill my guts and tell you all of that and the only question that pops into your mind is ‘can you fly’?” I wasn’t sure if I should be afraid that she lost her mind, or insulted.

“Well you said you were half fairy.” Huh. She caught on fast. How come I didn’t think of wings when Bob first told me I was half fairy?

“Um, well no, I mean, I have wings. I just can’t fly.” Yet. According to Bob, once I had all of the powers my wings and fangs should be their full size. I really didn’t want to have to show off my wings just yet so I quickly changed the subject. “Don’t you have any concerns about Vamp Boy over there?” I asked.

She turned to look at him.

“Thanks for lending me your coat earlier. Promise not to eat me or anything?”

“Pinky swear.” Finn answered with a big smile on his face.

What the fuckity fuck was going on? Amy just acted like there was nothing unusual with the whole situation.

“Um, hello! He’s a vampire! Don’t you have any concerns about that?”

She thought for a bit before answering. “Well I admit I have some questions I want to ask him, but really I’m just excited.”

“Excited?” I was in disbelief.

“I’ve heard stories about magical creatures in almost every country I’ve traveled in. There are lots of legends about vampires all over the world. I figured there had to be some truth to it all somewhere. So now I have it, proof that it’s all real. Who would’ve thought my best friend would be their queen. How exciting!” She clasped her hands together like she was excited about a shoe sale.

“You’re excited? I think you’re bipolar. Back in the other world you were totally getting your freak on. Now you’re all calm and cool. I’m confused.”

“It doesn’t take much to confuse her.” Finn whispered to Amy. She giggled.

“Hey! I’m right here and I can hear you!”

Finn winked at Amy.

“Sorry about the freak out Mel. It was just a lot to see all at once. The more I think about it, though, the cooler I think it is. We’re going to have tons of fun! When do I get to see your fangs?”

“Never.” I crossed my arms and pouted.

“Now, Ti,” Finn came over to me and put his arm around me. I shrugged it off. “Don’t be mad at Amy because she was quicker than you at accepting all the magical stuff. It’s a lot of fairy tale type stuff to believe in and it just took you more time to accept us all. There’s nothing wrong with that. Besides, you’re the queen now for reals so we’ve gotta focus on getting you the perfect dress for your coronation. Maybe you could appoint Amy as your royal lady-in-waiting?” I looked over at him as he waggled his eyebrows. Then he bent over and whispered in my ear. “I think it’s the least you can do for her after everything she went through for you.”

Well, shit, now I felt all guilty. I glanced over at the marks on her neck again. The bruises were starting to turn from red to blue. She never even said anything about them, or about almost dying today for me. She just accepted it all, and accepted me. Wasn’t I just the crappiest friend in the world?

“Well, if we’re going shopping then you’re going to need this.” I went to my closet, grabbed a purple chiffon scarf and started wrapping it stylishly around Amy’s neck to hide the bruises. She looked up at me and smiled.

“I’ve been a sucky friend Amy.” I began. “You almost died because of me and I’m sorry you had to go through any of that. I am happy—well shocked mostly—but still happy, that you have accepted this Queen Tianna stuff and the whole magical world of freaks. I would really like it if you would be my lady waitress.”

“Lady-in-waiting.” Finn coughed out.

“Right. Lady-in-waiting.” I rolled my eyes. “I’d really like it if you could be my lady-in-waiting.”

“I’d be honored to be your lady-in-waiting Mel! Or should I say, Your Majesty?”

“No! None of that Your Majesty crap from any of you!”

“Touchy, touchy!” She laughed. “Alright, well I would be honored to be your lady-in-waiting, Queen Tianna. I think this is going to be so much fun!”

“You keep saying that, but somehow I have my doubts.” I mumbled to myself, thinking of the last twenty-four hours. It was certainly not my definition of fun.

“By the way,” Amy looked confused again. “When your loser brother had me, you know, by the neck and stuff, I closed my eyes and I think I must’ve been dreaming or something because I swear I could hear your voice in my head telling me to throw the chains on the guy.”

“Oh yeah?” I said weakly.

“Yeah, it was the strangest thing!”

“You don’t say?” I muttered. “Well, are we going shopping or what?”

I headed towards the front door, my gay vampire bodyguard and worldly lady-in-waiting following close behind me.

“Seventy-eight bottles of wine on the floor—“ the goblin hiccuped again.

“Have fun singing Jimbo.” I called out cheerfully. “If you puke in my apartment you’re dead meat!”

We arrived back at my place a couple of hours later with not just one dress, but three different dress choices. Sure, it was a little extravagant but I had an unlimited bank account now so I didn’t really feel bad. We all needed some shopping therapy so I also made sure Amy got a few new scarves and a new pair of True Religion jeans that fit her hips perfectly. Finn got a pedicure.

Bob was pacing in the living room when we returned and Jim was passed out. I had to try not to gag when I saw the drool dripping onto the goblin’s lap.

“So now that Stan is dead, we only have to deal with figuring out if Dagda really does exist, right?” I asked the gnome.

“And your coronation as queen!” Finn blurted out. “It’s going to be the biggest party of the year!”

I could already see Finn planning out the event in his head. It made me smile.

“Tianna, we need to discuss your various roles and duties as queen.” Bob started, “As Finn pointed out, your coronation is upcoming and there are certain traditions that must be followed. You need to meet the members of the council and establish a rapport with all species. The list really seems to be never-ending.” He was literally looking over a list that was in his hands. I glanced over but quickly regretted it when I saw over two hundred items on the list. I gulped.

“Well it’s a good thing you’re my next-in-charge Bob.” I said as I patted him on the shoulder. “I just know that everything on that list will get done thanks to you. You’re the best first mate a girl could ask for.”

“R-really your majesty? You wish for me to be your top advisor?” He seemed astounded.

“Honestly Bob, could there be anyone else for the job? You’ve been my advisor since you drove my drunk ass home on my birthday and I couldn’t imagine going through the rest of this without you. In fact, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t make it through one day as queen without you.”

“Ain’t that the truth!” Finn said. “But what about me? Will I have an official role in your court?”

“Of course, pretty boy. You can be the royal fashionista-slash-assistant-slash-not-the-best-but-makes-do-bodyguard.”

“Awww, you’re the best Ti. Does that mean I get to plan the parties?”

“Yes, party planning goes along with your assistant role. Make sure there are some cute boys at these parties.”

“Duh!”

“Cute straight boys too!”

He just chuckled, then he ran out the door so fast he was barely more than a blur.

“Wow, he must really love his job.” I said to myself.

“Now Tianna,” Bob started. “You will have to make a speech at the coronation, and I know you are not comfortable with—“

In a flash, Finn was back and standing in front of us.

“Seriously dude, what the fuck? I hate when you do that!”

“That was awesome!” Amy exclaimed. I rolled my eyes.

“Well,” Finn said. “I just thought you’d want to see your new and improved stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Your wings and fangs!” He handed me a bag of red juice and my old friend, the smutty romance novel.

I gave him a look. He shook the bag and book in front of me.

“Aren’t you just a tiny bit curious?” He asked. I glanced at Amy, who looked like she was going to explode from excitement. I felt more embarrassed than excited, but had to admit I was a little intrigued. I snatched both items from him.

“I think I’d like a little privacy while I read this, thank you very much!” I swung my hair over my shoulder and headed towards the bathroom.

Once inside I smiled at myself in the mirror, then started to take off my shirt. I wasn’t sure how big my new wings would be, but I wanted to see them in all their glory. I popped the straw into the bag and opened the book to the page Finn had dog-eared.

I sipped away on the juice as I read. I could feel the itchiness in my back and kept reading. The itching continued as I kept my nose buried in the book. Finally, I had finished drinking the bag and reading two full pages of smuttiness.

I looked back into the mirror and smiled, fully expecting to see the big panther teeth in my mouth. I didn’t. My expression fell as I saw my usual tiny fangs in my mouth. Panicking, I turned around so that I could see my new wings. They weren’t new at all! They were exactly as I remembered them, pretty and delicate, but very small. Half the size a normal set of wings would be.

“Hey guys,” I called out from behind the closed door. “If my brother was dead, I’d definitely get all his powers right?”

“Of course Ti,” Finn answered impatiently. “The reason you only had half of your powers was because he was alive. But now he’s dead so you don’t have to worry. Come on out and let us see!”

I double-checked my teeth and back. Yep. Small and small. That could only mean one thing. My brother’s final words rang through my head. Always messing up. I had really messed up this time because they weren’t his final words at all. My brother was still alive. Somewhere.

“Mel?” Amy called out quietly. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine!” I called back in a fake-cheery voice.

I looked at myself in the mirror again and sighed.

“Ah shit.”