Queen of the Freaks

I groaned to myself as Josh started laughing.

“Look princess,” he mocked. “Your army has arrived to save you!”

The army looked like a scene from a Disney movie. You know, the ones where all the animals talk and help the princess make a dress and save her from evil creatures and shit like that. As eager as the animals looked, I was pretty sure there wasn’t much they could do, unless the bunnies had killer fangs a la Monty Python.

Among the deer, the rabbits, and the squirrels (I kid you not), there were a few species I didn’t know. At first I thought I saw mutant butterflies, but then I realized they were tiny humans with wings. Pixies maybe? They had better have killer pixie dust.

“Don’t worry your majesty, we’ll get them!” Really, their enthusiasm was admirable.

“No!” I shouted with my mind with as much strength as I could muster. “Do not attack!” It was all I had the energy to say, and I hoped that they would follow my orders. I did not want any bunnies dying because of me.

There was nothing I could do, though, when Josh took a knife out from his back pocket. I looked in horror as he opened the blade and started towards a row of innocent, big-eyed deer.

“Stan, do something!” I cried out to my brother. He turned to look at me and for just a split second I could swear I saw the hardness in his eyes soften into kindness. We locked gazes and I watched as his expression changed back to cold and dangerous. I knew he wouldn’t do anything to stop Josh from hurting the animals, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance to save my evil brother from himself.

Stan turned and we both watched as Josh got closer to the line of creatures. I struggled against the chains, feeling as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

Suddenly I saw something glowing from behind the back row of deer. The animals parted as my old friend the unicorn made his way through. I was never so happy to see a horse!

Josh stopped in his tracks.

“Woah.” I heard him mutter under his breath, like he couldn’t believe there was a glowing unicorn standing in front of him. Thankfully, the arm that was holding the knife relaxed and went to his side.

“Fernaco,” Stan stiffened as he spoke to the unicorn. “We meet again. Always a pleasure.”

Finally, a magical-sounding name!

Fernaco walked confidently passed Stan and towards me. I smiled at my friend.

“Courage, your majesty.” He spoke inside my head as he bent his head down behind me. I could hear a sizzling sound and then felt the most awesome relief as the chains fell to the ground.

I rubbed my inflamed wrists and thanked Fernaco via the thought-language thing. Which made me think. Could Tristan hear us?

“He cannot hear telepathy from animals other than we unicorns. Only we have the power necessary to communicate with him. It seems he does not have as many fairy traits as you possess, although he does have a healthy vampire appetite for fresh human blood.”

Ew.

So, my brother got more of our father’s genes and I got more of my mother’s. Probably for the best, I couldn’t really picture Stan with a set of pretty wings on his back.

Of course if I declined the queen role, my brother would be able to talk to animals (and have wings--tee hee!), and I would never talk to Fernaco or Ginger again. I wasn’t so fond of the idea.

“Tristan,” Fernaco’s in-my-head voice sounded louder and more powerful than usual. “As usual you displayed a lack of respect for the magical world, but this time you crossed the line by disrespecting royalty.”

Stan’s face changed into a mischievous smile for a moment before he turned to the animals to speak.

“Friends,” He started, sounding like those fake-nice politicians. “It appears we have a misunderstanding. Let me introduce you to my own flesh and blood, Tianna.”

Um, was he for real? I continued to rub my wrists as I watched in confusion.

“One of my many followers here,” he motioned towards Josh. “Simply got confused and thought he was helping to protect our world from a dangerous outsider. I had only just arrived and was helping to rectify the situation when you all graciously showed up. We thank you for your loyalty and dedication and for always wanting to help, however, your services are no longer required and I ask that you go back to your cheery lives so that my long-lost sister and I can become better acquainted.”

Damn, he was good.

But he wasn’t that good. The animal army wasn’t buying any of it. They didn’t budge. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and tapped my foot impatiently.

“I think you two are the ones who need to go back to your cheery lives. Or stick around and get your asses kicked, your choice.”

Josh snorted and lifted his blade again. Stan shifted his weight around and then shot me a look. He walked over to Josh and placed his hand on Josh’s arm.

“You have until sundown to officially decline your status,” He said to me. “If you fail to do so, your friend will die.”

They did that shimmer thing and disappeared. Which made me think—again—when do I get to learn how to do that?

My thoughts were cut off, however, because I was suddenly surrounded by my troops.

“Come, your majesty, let’s walk,” Fernaco said as he started back towards the forest.

I felt a little bit like a paparazzi-surrounded celebrity with all of the creatures watching my every move. I flicked my hair and I could’ve sworn I heard gasps from them, like I’d done something monumental. Amy would get such a kick out this!

“So, listen,” I started, not looking forward to what I was about to say. “I know some of you…folks….want me to be the queen and all that stuff, but I think it would be best if I just declined and went back to my normal life.” This time there were real gasps. Fernaco kept walking, looking straight ahead. “I mean, I’m going to miss some stuff, like the super speed and maybe even my wings, but you heard Stan. I can’t just let my BFF die. Besides, he seems to have things under control. Kinda.” I looked at the ground so they wouldn’t be able to see my guilty face. Part of what I said was true. Stan didn’t seem like the worst guy in the world, he even seemed nice compared to asswipe Josh. The magical world seemed to be bright and cheery and doing just fine.

Aaaaaand then the world went grey again. Fernaco had led us to a part of the forest where the color was drained away.

“I want to remind you of who your brother truly is and what he plans on doing with his powers.” Fernaco spoke as if I hadn’t said anything about declining the queen title.

A cute white bunny hopped up to me. “He’s turned so much of our forest into greyness, your majesty!”

“And he’s going to keep going until it’s all gone.” A deer batted her eyelashes at me. I didn’t know what magic these animals had in them, but they were damn cute!

“And he’s been killing us pixies so that he can collect our dust.” A tiny green and purple pixie said to me as she hovered near my head.

“Wait a minute, he’s killing pixies? For reals?” It was one thing to turn technicolor into black and white, it was quite another to kill people. Pixies. Whatever.

“Yes, your majesty, and he won’t stop until he has all the power he needs.”

“Well how much power does the guy need? What is he going to do with it all?”

“That,” Fernaco’s head fell slightly. “Is what we don’t know. But his plan must be very sinister if he is requiring such massive amounts of power. If he should gain your powers as well,” he paused. “Well, I just don’t know what would become of us.”

I felt bad, I really did, but it was Amy’s life on the line here.

“We need you Queen Tianna.” I wasn’t sure who actually said the words, but I was suddenly surrounded by a sea of puppy-dog-eyed animals.

Well, shit.

“Your mother was a very brave woman,” Fernaco said. “She stood up for everyone and believed that every creature was important. I see much of her strength in you.”

“Are you sure you have the right girl Fernaco? I don’t know how to be a leader and I don’t give a rat’s ass about politics,” I could feel the panic and doubt rising up again. “I don’t believe that I can be the queen you want me to be.”

“But we believe in you.” The eyes were all staring at me. I wasn’t sure what to say.

“How can you believe in someone you don’t even know?” It was ridiculous.

“You’re our only hope,” the pixie said quietly. “I have lost all of my family, my friends and I know it’s only a matter of time before Tristan finds me and kills me too. If you don’t stop him, he will make all of us extinct and this world will no longer exist.”

Double shit.

“I want to give you something,” Fernaco said to me as he nudged the pixie, who sprinkled a glittering dust over my neck. I looked down to see the dust replaced by a long gold necklace with a pendant on it. The pendant had a bright green emerald on the front and it was shaped like a heart. “It was your mother’s,” Fernaco continued. “While iron takes away your powers, the love that she put into this gold and emerald talisman will give you strength.”

I held the pendant in my hand, admiring how the green in the emerald was so bright against the greyness of the landscape around us.

“Try thinking about someone that you love.”

I raised an eyebrow at the unicorn wondering if he was for real, but his serious expression told me he was. Okay then. I thought of my parents, and of Amy. Yes, Amy! Poor girl, I had to get her back safely. She had no idea how important she was to me. In fact, I wasn’t so sure I knew how important she was to me until all of this happened.

I gasped as the pendant broke open in my hand. It was a locket! The emerald was split exactly down the middle and on the inside of each half of the pendant was a picture and inscription. I squinted, trying to read the lettering.

“It’s you and your brother, two of the three people your mother loved more than anyone else,” Fernaco explained.

Sure enough, I read “Tianna” under one picture and “Tristan” under the other. I couldn’t believe that little baby face in the picture was me! And Stan—Tristan—looked so innocent and harmless. It was hard to imagine the cute baby face looking up at me was capable of killing pixies and causing such evil in the world.

“Now, Your Majesty, keep that love in your heart and come over to this tree.” Fernaco walked towards one of the many grey, bland looking trees. I followed him.

“Go ahead,” he prompted quietly. I pushed the thoughts of “what the bloody hell am I doing” out of my mind and focused on love as I reached out to the tree. I ran my hand down a branch, touching leaves as I went and thinking about how cool it was to have a necklace that used to belong to my biological mother.

“Holy shit!” I gasped as I watched the entire tree go from grey to color before my eyes. It was pretty much the weirdest thing ever! Well, aside from the gnome, goblin, vampire, unicorn—okay, let’s just say it was weird.

There were cheers from my army and Fernaco stood proudly beside the tree.

“The power that is inside of you can restore our world. If you had any doubts before, you must believe it now—you are destined to be our queen.”

I looked down at the locket, at the bright green gem and the pictures of my brother and I, then back at the tree. It looked magnificent against the rest of the black and white landscape. I did that, I thought. Imagine if I had the other half of my powers, I’d be able to make all of the black and white go away forever and save the pixies and make sure that nothing happened to my friends and family ever again. I squeezed the locket in my hand as I finally made up my mind.

“Okay fine,” I said quietly. “Let’s go get that asshole.” As the crowd cheered, I looked down at the picture of my twin brother and narrowed my eyes. Yep, he was going to get a royal ass-kicking from his sister, the queen of all magical weirdos.

The army, Fernaco and I all walked back together to the lot where I saw Josh’s Mustang. Along the way they told me more horror stories about what Tristan had done to their world, who he had killed, and that Dagda was clearly an evil teacher from hell. Literally. Every story I heard made me that much more determined to help.

“I trust you can get yourself home safely from here?” Fernaco asked when we reached the edge of the forest.

“Oh yeah!” I practically ran over to the Mustang. Luckily, Josh was dumb enough to leave his keys in the ignition, and thankfully—being the awesome chick I was—I knew how to drive stickshift.

I thanked Fernaco and waved to my army before starting up the car and peeling out of the lot. I glanced over at the passenger seat, where I had been innocently sitting when Josh was buttering me up for his kidnap and torture session. What an idiot I had been! I had been more focused on buying shoes and making out with a guy than I was about getting Amy back home safely. What kind of a friend was I?

Well, that was all going to change!

But speaking of shoes.

My box of new stilettos was still in the passenger seat. Oh, how I loved them! It was like wild sex for my feet. And dammit my feet deserved to get spoiled, especially after being tied up with those nasty chains.

I reached over and took the lid off the box. Yep, the shoes were just as perfect as I’d remembered them to be. Suddenly I had an idea.

I was almost home, but quickly pulled a u-turn in the street (yes, it’s illegal, sue me). There was one small errand I had to run before I went back to weirdo headquarters.

As soon as I walked in the door, Finn and Bob were all up in my face with questions about my whereabouts.

“Do NOT tell me that you were just shopping, Ti. I completely lost you on my tracking device. Again.”

I rolled my eyes and put the box with my shoes down on the floor.

“Dude, you are the world’s suckiest bodyguard. Like, seriously.”

“Well while you were out shoe-shopping and going off the radar map,” Finn quipped. “We managed to find your old buddy and bring him back here.” He pointed at the goblin who was once again tied to my (very expensive) dining room chair.

“Jimbo! How I’ve missed you!” I exclaimed sarcastically as I started to make my way towards him.

“Ahem,” Finn stopped me and handed me a bag and a straw. He was a sucky bodyguard but an awesome personal assistant. I gulped down the contents of the bag and handed back the empty before continuing towards Jim, feeling much more calm and content.

“We’ve managed to get him to confess a little bit,” Bob explained. “Apparently he had no plans of harming you.”

“You believed him?” I turned to look at Bob. He looked pretty confident.

“Yes.”

“Huh.” I looked down at Jim. “So why were you following me and attacking me if you had no plans to harm me? Is it just a hobby you do when you’re bored or something?”

He made a face at me, then glanced at Bob, then looked back at me.

“No one hired me,” He said in that creepy goblin voice. “I have not decided where my loyalties lie. I was trying to see which side was stronger before making my decision.”

I turned and gave Bob a blank look.

“What he means is,” Bob explained. “He wanted to see who was stronger, you or your brother. He started to see weaknesses in your brother’s Unseelie Court and decided to investigate the other side. Once he found you, he started to follow you around, and even attacked you to see just how strong and powerful you are.”

“I only want to be on the winning team,” Jim grumbled.

“So after all of your investigating, what are your conclusions?” I asked.

“Well,” Bob answered for his cousin. “It seems your brother found out about Jim’s activities. He sent someone to locate and eliminate Jim.”

“’Twas your boyfriend,” the goblin sneered at me.

“Josh is soooo not my boyfriend Jimbo, but he is an evil sonofabitch,” I grimaced as I thought back to the torture session.

“So is that why you’re here now?” I continued. “You thought we’d save your ugly green ass?”

“I have valuable information that you might be interested in.”

“What kind of information?” I had to admit, I was curious.

“Dagda. Your brother. Your parents.” He smiled up at me as he said the last word.

I could feel the warmth of the gold and emerald necklace against my skin under the sweater I was wearing. It would be nice to know more about my parents, but given the time crunch we were in, I thought it was more important to know as much about the evil troupe as possible.

“If you gave us this info, what do you expect in return? Freedom? Protection?”

“Both. Plus the wine.” He grinned.

Bastard.

“If we were to do that, where would your loyalties lie?”

He kept smiling but didn’t answer.

“Gah,” I huffed, “Keep him tied here until I can find a way to hand him over to Josh and Stan. He deserves whatever punishment he gets.”

“No wait!” Jim cried out. “I know who’s been sending you those messages.”

The texts. I had almost forgotten about them. Come to think of it, it had been hours since I’d even touched my cell phone. Weird. My world used to revolve around it and now my thoughts were consumed with goblins and unicorns and stuff. Ugh.

“The human slave sent them as part of your brother’s plan to entrap you.”

Josh! He knew I would never suspect him since he was human. Evil, yes, but human nonetheless. Plus the texts were so badly written and Josh didn’t seem like he was the type to excel in spelling and grammar. Yep, it totally made sense.

“Alright,” I answered. “But that was almost a no-brainer. What else have you got?”

“Tristan is stealing magic and leaving parts of the world grey.”

I heard Bob and Finn gasp. This wasn’t news to me, but I guessed it was news to them.

“How is that possible?” Bob mumbled as he began pacing. Again.

“I think the more important question” Finn said to Bob. “Is why is he doing it?”

“Yes yes, good point.” Bob muttered. I envisioned the two of them blah-blah-blah-ing the night away, trying to figure out the hows and whys of my brother’s actions.

“Fuck that,” I blurted out. “I just want to know how to stop him.”

“Heh,” Jim chuckled. “I like this girl.”

“Shut it Jimbo.” I snapped back at him.

“So here’s the deal you guys.” I needed to fill them in because we were running out of time. “I went shopping and got these most gorgeous, perfect pair of shoes.” Bob sighed. Finn looked half-annoyed, half-intrigued.

“Tianna,” Bob started.

“No wait!” I interrupted. “When I was leaving the store, I saw Josh—damn he looked good. Anyways, I was dumb enough to go for a drive with him and long story short, he tortured me with killer chains and then Stan showed up.”

“Josh kidnapped you and tortured you?” Finn gasped. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve been better. Stan told me that I have until sundown to decline my position as queen or he would kill Amy.”

“Wait, so Tristan saved you from Josh? What is Josh? I thought he was human. I’m confused.”

“Keep up with me vamp boy. Josh is human but he works for my evil brother, just like Jimbo mentioned earlier. My evil brother told Josh not to kill me but didn’t exactly rescue me. I got rescued by the most awesome unicorn and army of animals. Stan and Josh did that magical poofing thing and disappeared before we could kick their asses.”

Bob’s brow was furrowed and Finn scratched his head.

“So, we need to figure out how we will get Amy back, get rid of the bad boys and have the happily ever after ending. Suggestions?” I looked around at them.

“Well,” Finn gazed down at the floor. “I suppose you could decline your position. Then your friend would be saved.”

“Haven’t you seen any action movies pretty boy? The bad guys never let the victim go, even when they get what they ask for. There’s only one way to get Amy back. We have to fight.”

“So does that mean you will accept your role as queen?” Bob asked excitedly.

I sighed.

“Yes. Unfortunately for you, you will be stuck with the world’s suckiest queen as your ruler. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Bob’s face lit up and he jumped into the air, clicking his heels together.

“Woah there Bobby, don’t give yourself a heart attack.” I said as I rolled my eyes.

“I just knew you’d make the correct decision your majesty!” I watched as the gnome fluttered around the living room, mumbling things like “future is saved” and “plan coronation”.

“Anyhoo,” I spoke nice and loud, hoping Bob would snap out of his crazy mode. “Before we start the victory dance, we need to figure out how we will win the most epic battle ever. What weapon do I get? I always pictured myself a double sword girl, like that hot chick in Kill Bill.”

“Surely you’re not serious Ti,” Finn asked. “We can’t possibly organize a battle with such little time. If we had a few days, maybe.” He paused for a moment. “We will need to stall, buy more time.”

“Agreed,” Bob said as he stopped his happy dance and went back to pacing.

“You guys!” I cried out. “Amy’s life is on the line. He will kill her. Kill. Her. There is no way I’m taking a chance on this, we’re going in and we’re going to save her. No stalling, no buying time.” I paused for a moment, taking in their blank looks. Pressing my shoulders back and lifting my chin I announced, “As your queen, I order you.” Well that felt pretty damn good. I might be able to get used to this queen role after all.

Finn laughed. “Ti, no disrespect or anything, but you haven’t officially accepted your position or gone through the coronation ceremony.”

“Finn,” Bob snapped. “She is still royalty and heir to the thrown and therefore she can request orders as she wishes.” Finn looked guilty as Bob turned to me and gave a little bow. “If Your Majesty wishes for us to commence a battle, we will proceed with your orders.”

“Wait, I need to officially accept? And what’s this about a coronation ceremony? Do I need a new dress?”

“You need to be in our realm to officially accept or decline your position.” Bob looked at me like I was short a few marbles. “And yes, there is a ceremony. Not unlike what the monarchies in this world must perform.”

I envisioned the Queen of England and her dress and hat collection.

“Puh-lease tell me I get to wear what I want.”

“Are we really doing this?” Finn pressed his fingers to his temples like he had a headache. Do vampires get headaches? “Are we really going to spend our time worrying about what to wear to a coronation ceremony that, at this point, won’t even be happening?”

“Grumpy much?” I snapped back. Geesh, I needed to find Mr. Grumpy-Vamp a boyfriend. He did have a point though. We needed to figure out how to get Amy back, destroy the bad guys and accept my role as queen before we ran out of time.

“How are we supposed to protect you and attack Tristan at the same time?” Finn continued “You know he wants you dead.”

“Actually,” I answered. “He doesn’t want me dead.” Bob stopped pacing and Finn stared at me. “He only wants me to decline the position so that he can have the powers. He doesn’t want me to kill me. If I was a powerless human he wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about me.”

“Fake him out.” Jim mumbled from across the room. I had almost forgotten about our green hostage.

“That’s what we’re trying to do JImbo, take him out.”

“Not take him out, fake him out. Make him pretend you’re willing to decline your position and then catch him by surprise.”

I was shocked. “Are you actually trying to help the good guys Jimmy?” I asked.

“Your stupidity is giving me a headache.” He replied.

“Hmph,” I huffed. “Maybe we should send you in as a distraction instead. I’m sure Josh would be glad to focus his attention on you.”

He narrowed his creepy yellow eyes at me.

As much I as wanted to slap the goblin, I had to admit his plan sounded half-decent.

“So what you’re saying is, we go in and I pretend I’m going to give in to him, but really we have a secret army waiting in the wings? That doesn’t sound half-bad.” I shot him a look. “Don’t let it go to your ugly green head.”

He huffed.

“Bob, I need you to go find Fernaco. Tell him about our plans and that he needs to gather as many animals and other magical freaks as possible. Or at least, whoever is willing to fight for this.” The thought crossed my mind that this army would actually be putting their lives on the line for me. Maybe no one would show up. Panicking, I pushed the thought away.

“Finn, you’ll be coming with me tomorrow night when I face twiddle-dee and twiddle-dumb. Bring your BS, or whatever other weapons you have.”

He looked a little unsure. “Just the two of us?”

“Duh! They have to believe I’m going to decline my position, but they know I’m not stupid enough to go in alone. Besides, you signed up for the bodyguard position.”

Bob and Finn looked at each other.

“Tick tock Bob, we have a deadline here.” I left them alone in the living room while I searched my bedroom for my cell phone. Finally finding it under three tank tops that I had strewn across my bed, I unlocked it and hit reply.

“I will decline @ sundown, Amy must b in perfect health. I’m keeping ur car. Asshole.”

I hit send and sat down on my bed. Ginger came over to say hello, nudging me with her head and rubbing up against my ribs.

“Ginger miss Tianna.” She purred.

“I missed you too girl.” I answered. I couldn’t imagine not hearing Ginger’s voice now, or never seeing Fernaco again. I couldn’t picture my life before I met Finn and Bob.

I pulled on the gold chain, taking the locket out from under my sweater. Holding it in my hand while petting Ginger, I closed my eyes and could feel the emerald heat up against my skin. I felt a surge of light around me. Kinda like when you’re laying in a tanning bed, only way better.

My vibrating phone snapped me out of my faux sun-bathing trance and back to reality. I checked the text.

“No funy buisness. Ur friend is ok 4 now. Keep the car, I can by 100 more. Bithc.”

“Fuck, he can’t even spell bitch right. I seriously have to raise my standards when it comes to guys.” I mumbled to myself before tossing the phone and crashing for a much needed nap.