Phoenix

“Did you get it?” Pete asked. He looked at me from the other side of Jewel. His broad face was horribly pale, his eyes encircled by black, and his cheeks had a hollowness to them I hadn’t noticed before. But those eyes, those piercing blue eyes, had a glint of hope in them.

I turned away from him. I couldn’t look at him. Not when I’d done this to him. I had made him think that maybe, just maybe, there was something else for us. Something other than this cold, dark world where Lexia was dead and I was crazy.

“No,” I finally said.

“Why not?” Jewel said. “Couldn’t you find it?”

“There was nothing to get,” I said.

“What?” Pete said. I heard anger rising in his voice, but I still couldn’t look at him. The scenery sped by now, red and rocky and vibrantly green in places.

“There is no magic, Pete,” I said.

Jewel put her hand on my shoulder, maybe hoping I’d turn to look at them, but I just couldn’t. Shame blossomed in me, spreading through me.

I closed my eyes and the familiar lurch of being pulled into Eloria rolled through me.

Seven pillars reached for the sky, their tops shrouded in the darkness all around me. I sat with my back against one, cold leaching through my sweater. Just beyond their circle, Lexia lay as though sleeping, her platinum hair splayed all around her, shining in the darkness. Horses ran loose in the darkness, their hooves pounding the flat earth. The bodies of elves lay scattered around, Lexia’s doing.

“Why am I here?” I said, craning my neck to see the pillars and spinning slowly around. “Why am I here!”

There was no answer, of course. I was the only person left in my fantasy world.

“Wake up, Phoenix!” I shouted at myself, thumping my fist into my thigh. I regretted it very quickly. Though I was weak from the journey and the lack of food, I could still hit hard. And a strong fist thumping into a nearly–frozen muscle was not a good combination.

I hit myself again.

“Wake up, you idiot!” I shouted. My voice reverberated from the stone all around me and, at the same time, seemed to be swallowed by the darkness.

“I don’t want to be here anymore,” I said.

Where do you think you are, Phoenix? Lexia’s voice whispered in my mind.

“Eloria,” I said. “Eloria isn’t real. I’m sitting by Jewel, staring out the window. I am not in Eloria. There is no Eloria.”

That is right.

What was that? Was it a voice or a thought? Was it just my insanity seeping into my fantasy? Did it sound like Dr. Banks? It’s certainly something she would say.

“I want to wake up,” I said. I sat down in the circle of the Pillars.

Phoenix, Lexia’s voice said in my head. I looked over at her. She was as still as the towering pillars. You must fight it.

“You’re not real,” I said to Lexia’s voice in my head. “You’re dead. I couldn’t get you out. You died. And it was my fault.”

Who started the fire, Phoenix? It was that same voice as before, not Lexia.

“I did,” I said, my chest feeling like it would collapse and crush my heart. “I started the fire.”

That is right, the voice said again.

Phoenix, Lexia’s voice cut through. The Darkness is in your mind.

I shook my head angrily and scrubbed my hands through my hair. The world lurched sideways again.

“Would you all just shut up?” I said. “I don’t want to hear your voices in my freaking head!”

“Nix,” Jewel said, but then she stopped. “No one has said anything for, like, an hour.”

I looked away from the window, my eyes finally seeing the real world around me. Pete slumped against the opposite car window, sleeping. He looked awful, wasted. I made myself see Jewel. She didn’t look much better, her face haggard and haunted.

“I don’t think I was talking to you,” I said to her.

She suddenly became very interested in her hands which rested in her lap.

I turned back to the window, and the world dissolved into darkness.

“Holy crap!” I yelled, feeling the icy wind blow through my clothes, seeing the still pillars reaching for the sky. “Is this the way it’s always going to be? There’s nothing here! I want to go back to the real world.”

How did you start the fire, Phoenix? The smooth, soothing voice said in my head.

“Let me show you,” I said, knowing I had said it before. Nothing happened. Of course. What good was having a fantasy world where there were no people and it was always cold and dark and I couldn’t use magic? This really sucked.

“Wake up!” I shouted at myself. The darkness consumed my words. “Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UP!”

But I seemed to be stuck in Eloria.

I breathed out a huge sigh and turned my head to look at Lexia again.

Kill her, the voice said. Kill her, and it will be done.

Well, I thought. There’s nothing else to do.

I climbed to my feet, my head spinning, my hands tingling. I stumbled toward Lexia’s still form and grabbed her cold hands. I dragged her across the hard ground until she was in the center of the pillars. I had to sit back down. Well, more fall than sit.

“Come on,” I told myself. “Get back to the real world.”

Just kill her now. And it will be over.

I sat still, breathing in the cold air.

It’s good that you are beginning to recognize reality, the smooth voice said.

Fight it, Phoenix, Lexia’s voice said. Fight it.

“There’s nothing left,” I said.

“Sure there is,” Jewel said. She reached over and put her hand on mine, but drew it back suddenly, her green eyes going wide.

“What?” I asked. Cities cropped up along the freeway. We were nearly back to Salt Lake City again.

“I don’t see anything,” she whispered. “When I touch you.”

“There’s nothing to see,” I said. “There was never anything to see.”

Her green eyes shone and I thought she was going to cry. I looked away again.

“Let it be over,” I said. The world spun, lurching back into darkness. “Please. Just let it end.”

You know the way, the soothing voice said. I crawled over and lay down beside Lexia, both of us lying as though asleep, as though dead.

I wished I was dead.

You know the way to make it end, that soothing voice said again. A chill shot through me.

Fight it, Lexia’s voice said. I jumped. I hadn’t heard her voice, even in my head, for a long time.

“How?” I said. “How can it be over?”

Kill her, the voice said. I recoiled. Find a rock and bash her head in, the smooth voice urged. You can end this.

I’m a crazy person having a crazy fantasy where the voice in my head is even crazier than I am.

I lay there, beside Lexia, freezing and staring up at the darkness.

“Let it be over,” I said. “Let it be over, let it be over.” The world lurched again.

“We’re putting you on a plane, son,” a man said. I didn’t know his face, but his eyes were concerned. I didn’t remember getting out of the car, but now I was walking behind Pete and Jewel on a moving walkway. Were we at an airport? “It will be over soon.”