Phoenix

It really should have been simple to turn off the blinking red and blue lights, but we couldn’t figure it out. There were too many switches. The lights stayed on, the siren stayed off, and we sped down the freeway. It was good that it was so early in the morning. No one was on the road.

“Woo-hoo!” Pete hooted. The engine roared and the car jumped forward.

“Holy stinking crap!” I said. “You’re going to kill us.”

“You really are a backseat driver!” Pete said. “Jake was totally right.”

“Shut up,” I said.

“Okay,” Jewel said. “Did you see that sign? We’re going to turn off on Exit 16. Watch for it.”

“How long will it be?” Pete asked.

“How fast are you driving?” I asked.

Pete just laughed.

“Watch for it,” Jewel said. “You’re going to hit it in like five minutes at this speed.”

Five minutes felt more like two, and the stolen police car was rocketing up the road to Springdale toward the entrance to the park.

“We’re gonna get caught,” I said, my insides turning into a mass of writhing nervous worms. “We’re going to get caught.”

“Oh come on,” Pete said. “None of this is real, right? We might as well live a little.”

The car screeched around corners, climbing through sleepy farmland and ranches. Every now and then, I’d see the shine of deer eyes just off the road and my heart would thump as I willed them not to jump out into the road.

“Nix is right,” Jewel said. “We are going to get caught. We told that cop where we were going.”

The car suddenly slowed.

“What should we do then?” Pete asked.

“Be ready for it,” Jewel said. She held her lower lip between her teeth as she thought. “NIx,” she said. “Get everything you think you might need and put it in one of the back packs. We’ll drop you off just before we get to the park. I’m sure that cop alerted the park. We’ll drop you off and then Pete and I will spring the trap.”

“What?” I asked. “No.”

“Yes,” she said. “They need to catch us or they’ll keep looking. We can tell them that you didn’t come with us.”

“Do you think they’ll believe that?” I asked.

“Why not?” she asked.

“Because,” I said, feeling dumb. “It’s not true.”

Jewel rolled her eyes.

“So we’ll drop you off, and then we will get caught. You can make your way into the park when it gets light and go find your magic wand.”

“Scepter,” I said.

“Whatever,” she said. “And when you find it, this will all be over. Pete won’t go to jail—“ he eyed her as though realizing for the first time that punching out a cop and stealing his car would result in jail time—“and everything will be fine. Eloria saved, Lexia alive. Stuff like that.”

I didn’t realize how stupid it all sounded until she said it like that. They were taking a big risk helping me like this. All because they were my friends.

I met Jewel’s eyes in the rearview mirror.

“I love you,” I said and her eyes widened, “guys,” I added belatedly. “I love you guys. You know that, right?”

“Sure,” Pete said. “What’s a little jail time if it brings Lexia back to life?” Jewel looked over at him and he shrugged. “That’s what happens, right? If crazy over there is right?”

“I’m not crazy,” I said.

“If you say so,” he said. I jammed a few of the supplies into my backpack and zipped up my coat. I was ready when Pete slowed the car. He didn’t really stop, but I jumped out anyway, by the Best Western.

My heart sank as I watched the blue and red lights speed away. They were really gone, now.

In the blinking of an eye, the world changed and I was back in Eloria, looking up at the smooth sides of the Seven Pillars. We made it. I reached forward to touch the closest pillar, not knowing what to expect.

“Phoenix,” Lexia said. I whipped around. The way she said my name told me something was wrong. Her face was so pale it seemed to shine in the dark. “They are coming.”

“Who?” Eremil gasped. He was bent double, struggling to calm his breathing after the run. He straightened, reaching for his axes. He grimaced at the way his arms shook. There was not much fight left in him. Or any of us.

“Who is coming, Lexia?” I asked. I already knew, though. I knew the Darkness. I knew who she would use.

Lexia looked at me, her silver eyes gleaming, and nodded. She didn’t need to speak what I already knew.

Our father. His riders. They were coming. Dust rose on the horizon, coloring the weak sunrise a bloody red.

I didn’t let myself cry, even though I wanted to, and Eloria faded away.

A few people were gathered just down the street and a bus lumbered up the road toward us. I jogged a few steps, the back pack thumping me, to join the little group.

“There’s some dedication,” one of the guys said to a girl, pointing his chin at me.

“Five AM in the winter, baby,” she said. She wore a beanie pulled down over long brown hair. “Which one are you doing?”

The bus pulled up and hissed as the door swung open.

“Observation Point,” I said. They both smiled.

“Hard core,” the guy said. “There’s gonna be snow up that high.”

I just shrugged.

“What about you?” I asked. The guy and girl sat in a double seat and he draped his arm over her shoulder.

“Subway,” he said. “Got my drysuit and everything.”:

“Cool,” I said. I had no idea what the significance of a dry suit was, but I didn’t want to seem dumb.

We were silent as the bus wound around the corners nearing the entrance of the park.

“Whoa,” the guy said, “Look at that.”

Outside the bus windows was a twinkling array of blue and red lights. I saw two people leaning over the back of a cop car, their hands cuffed behind their backs.

It made me want to throw up, but I had to act like nothing was wrong.

“Wow,” I said. “I wonder what happened.”

The bus skirted by and entered the canyon. The driver started to call out trail heads and paused only briefly when no one moved to get off. The road up the canyon wound around, the bus leaning and tilting. Rocks like I had never seen skyrocketed from the canyon floor.

“Court of the Patriarchs,” the driver said over the PA. I strained to see three huge plinths stretching into the still star-speckled sky. The driver launched into some explanation about Mormons and naming the rocks, but I didn’t listen. There were only two words I wanted to hear and when the driver said them, I was shaking so hard I almost couldn’t get off the bus.

“Observation Point,” he said and I stood up. The bus came to a stop and I walked forward to the door.

“Be careful out there,” he said, noticing I was alone.

“Thanks,” I said, stepping off the bus. A mountain loomed before me.

I stood there with my hands reflexively grabbing the straps of my backpack. Was I really doing this? Was I really here?

That’s been the question all along, hasn’t it? I asked myself.

It was time to move. I started walking up the trail. It switched back over and over again from the trailhead and, before long, I wanted to quit. I could still see the parking lot from here. It would be so much easier to go back down, turn myself in, check into the long-term care center in Seattle.

I kept walking. The trail eventually leveled out a little, and I couldn’t see the parking lot any more. I reminded myself of everyone who had sacrificed to get me here. I thought of Lexia running her horse to death for me. I thought of Eremil, running and starving and proving himself faithful over and over again. I thought of Jewel, kissing me by the elevator.

“None of this is real,” I told myself, gritting my teeth.

A feeling tore through me then, a feeling I didn’t really recognize. I felt lighter, stronger, different. Tingly. I knew I could do this. I knew when I got to the top of the mountain, I’d find Light, and everything would be alright. I knew it.

I thought of Jewel, how she sacrificed everything for me. And then I knew what the feeling was: hope.

The trail led me into a slot canyon, worn and shaped by water and wind. I leapt puddles and hopped across larger pools. In some places, the water was frozen, but I didn’t trust it enough to try walking on it. My footsteps were so loud in here, surrounded by nothing but cold darkness and silence.

The trail tilted sharply upward after that, cutting through pines and cedars. The path was worn and smoothed, and I was grateful.

“Just keep going,” I told myself, thinking of Lexia. I tried to imagine what she’d say to me if she was here. “Fight it,” I told myself, thinking of her. “Hold on to who you are. Keep going. Do not let the Darkness in.”

I shrugged out of my coat and tied it around my waist. I let myself take a drink from my water bottle and looked out over the dark horizon. The trail curved up the side of the mountain now and it was almost more than I could do to keep going. The trail was slick and smooth, stretching between the red rock wall of the mountain and the sheer drop off on the other side. I tried to make myself ignore the drop below, but it was light enough now that I could see it clearly.

It was terrifying.

I put the water bottle away and hiked on. Up and up, the trail went. Just when I was sure that one more step up would kill me, the trail leveled out again. Instead of a sheer drop, I walked on sand through cedars.

The light grew behind me as I climbed through the trees. Then, everything opened up onto a plateau. I walked a little further and I came to the end of the mountain. Everything was still and cold, but light was coming from behind me. I stood at the edge of the mountain, looking down into the canyon.

The shadows retreated as the sun light came on. I held my arms out to the side, palms up, bathing in the growing light, letting it suffuse every part of me. It felt so good after the dark of Eloria, after the cold hike. I closed my eyes, breathing it in, feeling the light and the peace of this desolate place. It was like I could feel the energy of the light coming into my body. I didn’t care that I was freezing. I didn’t care that I was exhausted. I didn’t even care that I felt like I hadn’t eaten in days. The growing light shone on me, shone through me, and I felt…alive.

Something was happening, I knew it was. Strength and hope filled me until I nearly forgot the journey, forgot the losses and pain and the fear. It was melting away as the rising sun bathed me in golden light. This was it. Light had to be here somewhere.

I opened my eyes, looking for the scepter and all I saw were horses running at us.

“Now, Phoenix!” Lexia shouted. I stared at her. What was I supposed to do? “Use your magic! Open the portal.”

“I don’t know how to do that!” I yelled back.

An arrow hit the ground in front of us with a thump. We jumped.

“Figure it out quick!” Lexia shouted. She launched himself toward the oncoming riders, throwing her hands out before her. The archers fell from their horses and Lexia turned back to me. Dark blood dripped from her nose.

“Hurry, Phoenix,” she begged. And the world changed again.

The sun was so bright after the paleness of Eloria, I squinted in the light. The Scepter had to be here. This felt so right. But there was nothing except sand, and rock, and green cedars.

There was nothing here.

Something snapped inside of me. All the good feelings evaporated like mist in the desert.

There was nothing here.

And now what I am supposed to do? I wondered.

Why hadn’t I even wondered before? Did I think that I would get to the end of the hike and there would be a magic scepter waiting for me? I guess I kind of did think that was what was going to happen.

How could I be so dumb?

The longer I waited for something to happen, and the longer something didn’t happen, the worse I felt.

This was all so stupid.

There is no magic, I realized. Not here, not anywhere. You are not special. Or Elven. Or a prince.

The thoughts crashed down on me. The truth of them barreled into me like a train and I fell to my knees on the red rock.

I don’t have magic. I’m just crazy. I thought. And I have gotten my friends into a heap of trouble.

The canyon below got lighter and lighter, and that feeling of being alive still tingled through me as the light increased. The elevation marker stared up at me from between my knees. The vista before me was just like what I had seen in my fantasy vision. But there was nothing here.

Of course. How could there be? I was just a pathetic kid who had killed his sister in a fire and made up a fantasy world to deal with the pain.

Wasn’t I?

“Lexia!” I shouted. My desperate voice carried on the cold, empty air. There was no response. I knew there wouldn’t be.

Reality crashed down on me with a force I had never before felt.

How could I have done this to Jewel and Pete and my mom? There was no reconciling my actions. My knees hurt, but I didn’t care. My pain was the least I could do to make up for what I had put them all through.

Because I was crazy.

I heard the static of a radio coming up behind me before I heard running footfalls.

“He’s here!” a voice said.

I could have turned to see who was coming. But I didn’t. I stayed where I was until two sets of hands pulled me to my feet.

I think they were police officers, or park rangers, or something. But I really didn’t care enough to look. They didn’t put handcuffs on me or anything. I think they even talked to me a little bit. I don’t know if I responded.

The weight of ruined lives pulled me down the mountain and I thought more than once of throwing myself off the side. I don’t know if I realized until that moment how much this meant to me, how much I wanted it to be real. How much I wanted Lexia to be alive.

But she wasn’t.

The trip down the path ended, and I was put in a car. I couldn’t make myself care.