Phoenix

“Mr. Carter,” a voice said.

I opened my eyes.

“Did you enjoy your nap?” Dr. Banks said. I sat up quickly. There was drool on my cheek, on the arm of the couch.

“Yeah,” I said, scrubbing an arm across my face. “It was good. I had a nice dream.”

The stitches in my wrist throbbed. I could still smell the clean mountain air. I could still feel the exhilaration of running.

Dr. Banks smiled at me. Her face was bland, like she wore the expression but had no feeling behind it. If it was possible, I’d that face was being controlled by somebody else. It made all the right motions but seemed to feel nothing. And she just looked wrong. Every time I saw her. Just a little off.

“Let’s go,” Dr. Banks said, absently patting the pocket of her white lab coat.

“You’re letting me out?” I asked hopefully. I was on my feet before I could think. My too-big sweat pants almost fell off.

Dr. Banks tilted her face downward so she could see over the top rim of her glasses.

“Not just yet,” she said. “We need to go have a little talk.”

“Right,” I said. I should have known. She led the way out of the common area. I tried not to see the other kids, the other patients.

I silently followed the doctor into the cold hallway. The grey-flecked floor tiles alternated white and green. An overhead fluorescent light flickered and buzzed.

That’s got to be good for the crazies, I thought. Dr. Banks didn’t seem to notice the flashing light. She held fumbled at the door, pressing the bar several times with no result.

“I think you have to scan your badge,” I said.

She smiled at me and held her ID badge close to the panel beside a door and the light blinked green.

“Right in here,” she said, holding the door open for me. I moved past her into the room. It looked a lot like the office where I usually visited her, except there were no pictures of her family. There was a couch and a chair. A lamp stood beside a book shelf. A tiny window showed a heavy grey sky. The inversion was in full force outside. Natural sunlight, even diffused as it was, felt good. I longed to go outside. Maybe I could feel something besides deep emptiness if I could just go outside. I stood there waiting for a minute while Dr. Banks came in and made sure the door shut.

“Now, Phoenix,” she said, settling herself into the chair while she motioned for me to sit on the couch. “How are you feeling?”

I smiled at her.

“Well,” I said, fumbling for the words that would free me from this prison. “I’m bummed about missing the game tonight.” That sounded sufficiently benign. I hoped.

She nodded in response.

“Consequences are difficult to bear at times,” she said. “About your...accident?”

Leave it to the shrink to cut right to the matter.

“Oh, yeah,” I said, nodding. I realized my hand was cupping my wrist where it was cut. “I’m really sorry I did that to myself. I just wasn’t, you know, thinking right. I mean, I really—“

Dr. Banks looked up at me and then turned to follow my gaze. She turned back to me.

“Why do you feel like you need to apologize to me, Phoenix?” he asked. “You haven’t let me down. If anything, I’ve failed you. I was supposed to help you. I tried to help you.”

I shook my head.

“I’m not—I mean, I’m sorry that...” I realized I was sounding pretty dumb. Who apologizes for apologizing? “I think, if I can explain myself so you’ll understand, you might...”

“Go on,” Dr. Banks urged. Her eyes didn’t waver from mine. There was something in those eyes, something familiar and foreign at the same time. It was like I knew her, somewhere, in another life.

I tried to remember what I was saying.

“Well, the thing is,” I stalled, scrubbing my hands through my hair. “I just wanna go home. I’m sorry I did it. I didn’t mean it.”

Dr. Banks nodded. Her pink-lipsticked lips pressed together and her chin dimpled.

“I know you better than you think I do,” she said, leaning back in her chair. “And you’re a smart kid. But you need to understand that I’m smart too. I know you want to give me all the ‘right’ answers.”

“Right answers?” I stammered, but Dr. Banks barreled right on.

“I’m here to help you. I’ve only ever wanted to help you,” she said. “I want you to move past this moment, this time. I want you to grow and thrive and use your smarts to be somebody. So, stop worrying about giving me the right answers. You need to think deeply about this thing you did. You need to find the real reasons you tried to kill yourself. And you need to stop trying to take short cuts.”

“I don’t understand,” I said slowly.

“What is there to understand?” Dr. Banks asked. She looked at me over the top of her glasses. “I need you to think about what really happened.”

“Ok-ayyy,”I said. What really happened? I can’t tell you what really happened.

“Now, tell me about how you cut yourself,” she soothed. “Think about everything you were thinking, everything you were feeling. Let’s see where your mind really was.”

I settled against the smooth leather sofa. I tried to think about that night in the bath tub. My head filled with the calling of the wolves, the urgency. I remembered running. Fire. Fire was everywhere. My scarred fingers started to tingle. I made them into fists.

“Well, I”--I started, but another memory made me stop. I remembered filling the bath, I remembered being cold and wanting to feel alive again. Grief and desperation roiled together, hot and cold, fire and water; the feelings trampled one another, fighting for prominence in my mind.

“Go on,” Dr. Banks soothed.

“Well, I was really cold,” I said. That’s what happened, right? I needed to warm up. But all I had to do was release the magic seared into my soul and warm myself with its flames. But that wasn’t right either.

“And,” she prodded.

“And so I decided to take a hot bath, you know,” I explained, “To get warm. So I ran the water, really, really hot.”

“Why would you make the water so hot?” Dr. Banks asked.

Why do I have two memories of that night? I wondered. Why do they both seem so real?

“Because I wanted it,” I realized. “I wanted to feel...something...besides cold, you know. I’m tired of being cold.”

“Hum,” Dr. Banks said. “So you ran the water extra hot.”

“Yeah,” I said. I want it to be real. I want to have magical powers. I want to be with my sister.

My breath came in short bursts. It felt like my heart was going to explode. Somewhere, there was a release for this...energy, this pent-up, confined feeling. My fists clenched and my palms were wet. Sweat beaded on my forehead and ran down my temples. “Really, really hot. And then I got in—“

“Maybe that’s enough for today,” Dr. Banks said abruptly, rubbing her hands together. A sheen of sweat coated her face.

“What?” I said, sitting up. I stared at her. She fidgeted nervously, lacing and unlacing her fingers, sitting on the edge of her chair.

“You’re breathing heavily,” she explained. “You broke out in a sweat. Obviously, these feelings are going to take some time and thought to explain. But I think you made some progress today.” She walked over to the door and opened it. I pushed myself up out of the chair and followed her to the door.

“Okay,” I said. The whole thing kind of made me sick. Why was I so hot?

What just happened?

“You can head back to the common room,” Dr. Banks said. She looked at his watch. “Dinner will be in about an hour.”