Phoenix

Cold washed over me. I drew in a breath. Something was different.

“Lexia,” I whispered.

“I am here,” she said.

I opened my eyes

Lexia pulled her green woolen blanket up higher on her cheek, almost covering her pointed ear. Her silver eyes were opened wide, staring at me across the fire.

“Phoenix,” she said. “You have returned to us.”

“Did you--” I tried to swallow. My throat was dry. “Did you bring me here?” I asked. I pushed myself up, sitting on the cold, hard ground.

Fire crackled between my sister and me, swirling orange and red and blue. Heat danced against my skin, fighting the chill night air. My heart throbbed. I could hardly breathe.

“You never left, brother. You were always with us… Until now,” Lexia said, her silver eyes wide.

I looked around the campsite. Eremil sat watching the night. Why did he seem so much like Pete? Were they the same person? Was Pete real or Eremil? The horses snuffled and stomped, grazing beneath the nearby trees.

I shook my head, running my fingers through my hair. How did I even get here? Weren’t my crazy fantasies supposed to come to me?

“How far are we from Utah?” I asked.

“You Tah?” Eremil asked, shaking his head. “What is that?” He looked to Lexia.

“Yeah,” I said lightly looking from her to him. “That’s where we’re going, right? We’ve got to go to that red desert and get the magic wand, right? It’s in Utah.”

“We have lost him,” Lexia said looking to Eremil. “It has been coming on, but the Darkness has overtaken him. He is not the Phoenix we know.” Eremil stood up, pacing beside the fire. He looked at me. He looked at her. And then back to me.

“What do you mean we have lost him?” he demanded, stopping right in front of me. “He sits before me now.” He was impressive in the way that big guys are impressive, a solid mass of muscle and weapons and leather armor. I swallowed. I did not want this hulking half-elf mad at me.

Maybe he’s not like Pete at all, I thought.

“He has embraced the Darkness’s lie,” Lexia explained. “He thinks he is nothing more than a human boy having daydreams in another world.”

“But he is not trying to kill us,” Eremil observed, easing his right-hand axe from its holster. “When the others fell to the Darkness, they came for our blood. Why is he not trying to kill us?” His eyes on me grew cold. He would do what he had to do to protect Lexia. From me.

“I do not know,” Lexia said. “She entices him to destroy me, but he ignores it. The lie she told him, it makes him doubt himself.”

Eremil tilted his head to the side, studying me. “Thank goodness for that,” he said.

“The Light thingy is in Utah,” I said, looking back to Lexia. We were having different conversations, the three of us. None of us seemed to be able to connect to each other. Lexia silently evaluated me with those familiar silver eyes. “It’s in the red desert,” I said dumbly, trying to give them what they wanted. “In Utah.”

Kill her, said that voice as my eyes fell on Lexia. I felt my fists clench. The fire roared higher and I jumped back. I hated being this close to it. It made me feel wrong, like electricity washed over my skin. I wanted it to stop. The fire shrank.

That’s eerie, I thought.

I kept waiting for Lexia to say something, but she didn’t.

“How do you know that?” Eremil finally asked me, fists planted on his hips. His sky blue eyes gleamed in the firelight.

“Phoenix,” Lexia said, her face wearing concern, “we chase the Darkness. I track her, the land tells of her presence, holding the vestiges of her magic. The very trees whisper of her passing. She leads us steadily north.”

“But Light is in the desert,” I said. “Dr. Lucius showed me before he died.”

“Lucius?” Lexia asked. “Lucius told you this?”

“As he lay dying in my arms,” I said. And then my brain snapped back to itself.

Lucius isn’t real. I didn’t kill him. He’s not real.

Lexia looked to Eremil who now paced in agitation. He moved just beyond the firelight. His weapons gleamed in the dimness. His hand at his waist stroked his axe. He must sleep with the things.

Abruptly, he stopped and faced Lexia.

“The Darkness was in him,” Eremil said. “The Darkness controlled his body, but did he venture back into her form while she occupied his? It has happened before. He said the Darkness could not keep everything from him.”

It was Lexia’s turn to get to her feet, pacing and rubbing her arms.

I stretched my scarred hands. They tingled this close to an open flame. I forced myself to breathe in and out. The fire seemed to call to me, and I forced myself to ignore the flames warming my flesh.

“I was focused on finding the Darkness,” Lexia realized, stopping in her astonishment. “We have been following a false trail.”

“But the trail we follow is a trail,” Eremil argued. “We cannot go off chasing to the desert when the Prince is not in his right mind. Especially when a real trail lies before us.”

“It won’t do any good anyway,” I said. “The Scepter is in Utah, not Eloria.”

“Eremil,” Lexia said, ignoring me. “We need to go south, to the Seven Pillars in the Red Desert.”

“What good will that do?” I asked, refusing to be ignored. “Light isn’t even in this world anymore.” Eremil’s blue eyes cut to me.

“He has a point, Princess,” Eremil said to Lexia, though his eyes narrowed on me. “We can run ourselves to death and never find it.”

In my mind, I reviewed a vista that looked down over red and white rock formations in a narrow canyon. The dirt all around was red, but dotted with the most vibrantly green trees I’d ever seen. A fantasy within a fantasy shown to me by a man who seemed to exist in two worlds at once. I killed that man, as I had killed so many others I had once called friends.

No, I told myself. It’s not real. It’s not real.

None of this is real.

The fire suddenly diminished to embers. Eremil backed a few steps away, folding his arms across his chest.

“Stop that,” he said to me.

“Stop what?” I asked. He shook his head.

“We do not have time to waste going the wrong way,” Lexia said, turning her pale face toward the dark sky. “It was supposed to be light an hour ago.”

“Then let us ride,” Eremil growled. “We should be going. Doing something. Waiting here is just a waste of time.”

“Where?” I said. “Where will we go? Utah? We can’t go to Utah. It doesn’t exist in fantasyland.”

“Eloria,” Eremil corrected, his voice grating against itself. He left to go saddle the horses.

“Are we gonna ride in the dark?” I asked, looking after the departing Eremil.

“Yes,” Lexia said.

“That’s probably best,” I said. “We have not a moment to spare.” I couldn’t believe I said that. This was some demented fantasy. I was trapped in a hospital waiting for them to decide I wouldn’t kill myself.

I am not an elven prince, I told myself.

Lexia moved to follow Eremil, rolling up her blankets and packing away her things. I tried to copy her smooth, sure motions, but my blankets ended up in a tangle. Lexia tsked and took shook her head. She knelt beside me, taking the jumbled blankets from my hands and laying them out flat again.

“Just yesterday, you were so certain,” Lexia said. She rolled the blanket tightly, compressing it into the smallest space possible. Then she tied it with a length of rope.

“Oh, yesterday,” I said. “I wish it was still yesterday.” I wanted the real world back.

I closed my eyes, trying to force myself back to reality. I saw the flash of an electronic screen. I smelled a diesel engine. I watched a plane fly across a smutty sky. King tilted his head excitedly to the side. I saw Jewel’s stick figures drawn on a blank page. I opened my eyes.

Jewel’s bright green eyes stared directly into mine. But then they faded and Lexia was before me. I was still here. Where ever here was.

“What did you see just now?” Lexia asked.

Home, I thought. Reality.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. Jewel, I thought.

Lexia didn’t say anything more. She just smiled sadly at me and went to help saddle the horses.

I was grateful for Princess then, the real Princess—fat and greedy and living in my back yard. At least I had some idea what to do with the behemoth animal they seemed to think was mine.

Might, I thought. He is mine.

I hoisted the heavy saddle onto the animal’s back and fiddled with the straps. I knew they were supposed to be tight, but getting them there was more complicated than I thought. Eremil looked over at me, having finished with his horse and shook his head.

“Let me help you, my Prince,” he said. His broad hands made quick work of adjusting and tightening the straps. “I hope you remember how to ride,” he said quietly. “Now is not the time to learn.”

“Yeah,” I said, shrugging. “I can ride.”

Eremil’s brow wrinkled above his blue eyes. His face said he didn’t believe me. But it was riding. I mean, how hard could it be to hold on and let the horse do all the work?

The round moon shone down from overhead, reflecting from the crusty snow and lighting the cold night till it seemed almost like day time. Eremil stood at Might’s head holding his reins. I tried to get my foot in the stirrup. I felt like I was trying to put my foot over my head. I hopped awkwardly and the big dark horse turned his head to look at me.

“What?” I said. “You’re huge.”

Finally I got my foot into the stirrup and tried to jump up into the saddle as the horse turned slow circles around me. I had to bounce a couple times before I made it.

“It is going to be a long night,” Eremil grumbled, releasing Might’s reins. “And this is pointless. Chasing into the desert, for what? The Scepter is in another world.”

“Be easy, Friend,” Lexia said to him, fiddling with her reins. “My heart tells me it is the way. We must go south as quickly as we can. To the Seven Pillars.” Lexia heeled her horse forward.

Thank goodness Might likes to follow, I thought. How do I know that? I wondered. Well, I guess it’s my fantasy. Maybe I could make him into a Pegasus instead of a horse. Maybe I could make him into a luxury jet—

Might lurched forward as the other horses ran by. Instantly, I was completely absorbed in trying to stay on. I had ridden before. A little. Behind Lexia. At a walk. This was nothing like that.

The horse’s body moved in more ways than I could imagine: up and down, side to side, stretching and bunching and rocking, and lurching forward. My butt bumped up and down, smacking into the saddle and being propelled forward with the horse. My abs clenched trying to keep my body in one piece. I leaned forward, grabbing the saddle, grabbing the flowing black mane, grabbing anything that might keep me from falling. The saddle kept smacking into my backside with enough force to give me whiplash and a concussion.

It was the worst beating I had ever received in my life.

“I thought you said you remembered how to ride,” Eremil taunted. I turned my head just a little, enough to see him sitting on the back of his horse, moving with the animal, seeming to be a part of it. Smooth.

“I...Lied,” I hissed through gritted teeth between thumps.

“Well,” Eremil said, “Dishonesty has strange rewards.” He chuckled in the night.

“This...Sucks,” I said. The air whooshed out of me.

“Sink your hips,” Lexia called over her shoulder. She moved fluidly with her horse. “Move with him,” Lexia said. “Lean back a little bit. Do not fight him.”

“Lean back?” I yelled. “If I lean back, I’ll fall off!”

“If you do not,” Eremil said, “you will fall. Drop your heels, sink your hips, and keep your shoulders over the back of your saddle.”

Smack. Thump. Thump.

Falling off seemed like a good idea. At least the beating would end.

I dropped my heels as low as I could get them to go, like lifting my foot off of the gas pedal, and tried to make my pelvis sit deep into the animal’s rhythm. I pushed my shoulders back. Miraculously, the beating stopped and I began to move with the horse.

“Maybe you do remember how to ride,” Eremil said. “A little.”

I concentrated on keeping my posture low and relaxed, but it was terrifying. The night flowed by and I found myself trying to hunch forward. The saddle smacking my butt reminded me to sit and relax. But it was hard. Soon, my inner thighs and my abs started to tremble.

“How much longer are we going to do this?” I asked.

“Are you so anxious to get down and run?” Eremil laughed.

“What?” I asked. The saddle smacked me and I had to grab the saddle to keep from falling.

“That is what comes next,” he said. “When they tire, we run.”

“You gotta be kidding me,” I said. I realized I could feel Might’s stride shortening. All too quickly, the horse dropped to a bouncy trot. His breath rolled up in puffy white steam. Lexia dismounted up ahead and Eremil hauled his mare to a stop. Cinder threw her head up and down as she heaved for breath. She was impatient to go forward, but she stood for Eremil to climb down.

I fell more than dismounted. My legs felt like rubber. Might rewarded me for getting off of him by rubbing his huge, sweaty head on my chest.

Lexia led out at an easy jog. Or what would have been an easy jog if I hadn’t just spent forever being spanked by a hard saddle. I was having the hardest time getting one foot to go in front of the other.

To the east, the merest glimmer of light haunted the horizon. It seemed like it should be noon already. Even though it was late, that pale, weak light filled me with hope. For some reason, I saw Jewel in my mind; her green eyes and strawberry hair filled my eyes. I blinked her away, but suddenly I felt filled with hope, just as I did every time I saw Jewel. I just hadn’t realized it until now.

Cold air whooshed into my body and left my lungs as steam that swirled over my shoulder. My feet fell in a steady rhythm, pounding into the forest floor. Blood pounded against the tender scar on my arm.

I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to wonder if it was a wolf bite. Either way, the pain was real and the wound was ridiculous.

Might bumped my butt from behind. He kept pace easily, trotting along. His hooves thumped emptily on the dirt path. I was a little nervous running with such a huge monster slightly behind me. What if I stopped and he didn’t?

Phoenix pancakes, anyone?

But the big horse didn’t try to pass me. He pushed his velvet nose into my butt again, right where my pocket was.

Butterscotch, I remembered. He’s looking for butterscotch. The too-real daydreams, like the one I was having now, told me that’s what he wanted. I couldn’t have remembered it, could I? Not when this place wasn’t real.

By the time the trees thinned out from thick firs to quaking aspen, pale dawn covered the land. And sweat covered me. I snatched glances at my companions the best I could while moving over the uneven ground. Eremil’s face held concentration, but little else. Lexia’s silver eyes were fixed someplace beyond the horizon.

“Are you tiring, Prince?” Eremil teased. The way he moved, landing so lightly on his toes and bounding forward, reminded me of a deer. He didn’t seem tired at all, despite the knee deep snow.

“Yeah,” I said. “How far do you think we’ve run?”

“Not far,” Eremil said. His voice was steady. “Maybe five miles.”

Not far at all, I thought sarcastically. A walk in the park. I could go all day.

All I wanted to do was stop. I wanted to put my head between my knees and throw up. But I would be darned if I let Eremil outrun me, even this weird one in psycho-land. This Eremil, like my friend Pete, was heavy shouldered and broad, thick in the legs and arms. He should be tired, not me.

After all, he was only half elf.

And what are you? I taunted myself. Delusional, I answered. See, doesn’t that confirm it? I’m crazy. I’m having this totally involved conversation with myself.

“Ha!” I barked aloud.

“Does my prince wish to go faster?” Eremil growled. “Do not let the slow half-human hold you back. Say the word. I can keep up.”

Yeah, but I can’t. I forced myself to keep my breathing even. It was so weird, but I remembered being able to run far and fast. I remembered being able to run faster than this and longer. I remembered being able to run like an elf. I wondered if being in this strange dream, in this strange elf-body would allow me to do what I remembered being able to do.

I smiled at Eremil. Even though I wanted to die, I picked up the pace. At first, I thought my heart would explode. It was beating like a drum, pounding an urgent, driving rhythm.

I am Phoenix of Eloria, I told myself. I can run like an elf.

Then my heart evened out. My legs pumped up and down, faster. My breath came easily. Might picked up his pace too, his head coming up. He had to work a little to keep up.

Faster.

My body obeyed, though I didn’t understand how it could. The land whirred by. Might broke into a lope. Lexia darted along with me, Princess keeping pace. Eremil fell behind.

“Hey!” Eremil shouted. “I thought we were supposed to be resting the horses, not running them!”

“He has a point,” Lexia said, dropping behind.

I slowed and stopped. Miraculously, Might didn’t trample me.

“I can’t believe I can run like that,” I laughed. Lexia studied me with her bright eyes.

“Of course you can,” she laughed between ragged breaths. “We are elves, after all.”

I pulled my hand down from my pointy ear. I hadn’t realized it had crept up there until she spoke.

Why shouldn’t I be able to run like that? I thought. I mean, I’m just having a really elaborate dream, right? Maybe I can fly too.

I jumped a little bit, willing myself to lift off. But I came back down instead of going upward.

Oh well.

Might bumped his nose into my butt.

“He is quite spoiled, is he not?” Lexia asked.

Kill her now, the voice whispered.

Lexia held out her hand. “Give me one.” I reached under my long sweater and pulled something round and hard out of my pocket. I placed it carefully in her hand. She smiled and turned to the horse. His ears pricked forward, his head reaching toward her. His lips moved like fingers, straining to reach the treat. “You are a spoiled boy,” Lexia said to Might, holding her hand so the horse’s greedy lips could take the candy. She stroked the side of his face as he noisily crunched the candy.

You should see the real Princess, I thought. Talk about a spoiled fatty.

“What was that about you being able to keep up, Eremil?” I taunted. As he approached, he sneered and glared at me. He really didn’t like being reminded of the inferiorities his heritage instilled in him. He never seemed to mind being a half-breed when there was lifting to do, or fighting, or anything else where bulk and strength were needed. It was the little things, like seeing great distances, or running fast, or listening to the trees...

What? I thought. Okay, crazy pills. Kick in any time.

I had to wonder if I wanted them to, though. Even though there was this horrible Darkness thing that had once been my mother and we were chasing her. I had always dreamed about being something special, doing something great hadn’t I? And here I was: a pyromancer, a prince, an elf.

Magic, I thought, flexing my scarred hands. They seemed hot. There is magic here. I am part of it.

I shook my head.

Come on crazy pills. Take me home.

“The stream is not far off,” Eremil said as he trudged past. The angry sneer was a shadow on his lips. “We should walk the horses a bit before they drink.”

I meant to follow too, but a light hand on my arm stopped me. Lexia looked into my eyes. Her silver eyes were so warm, so familiar. Whatever this place was, whoever this Lexia person was, or wasn’t, she was my sister. I could see it in her eyes.

“The Darkness is there, Brother,” she whispered, placing her forefinger between my eyebrows. “But you can fight her, if you try. Please try. We need you.” She walked away from me, towing Princess behind her.

I just wanted to go home.

Kill her, the other voice whispered. Kill her and it will be done.