Pedigree

..

By the time I am done reading I feel a headache has come up, everything is supposed to shade light as to why things are the way they are but I feel like it has just made everything worse.

‘So what you are telling me is that Nelson doesn’t even know who his father is?’

VK shakes his head

‘And he believes Chisoni is his father and that is why he is doing what he is doing?’

‘I believe so.’

‘But that is messed up, why would he sleep with me knowing I am his half-sister?’ I ask feeling disgusted

I have not even read what’s in the other folder and I feel sick to the stomach.

‘So Ivy got raped, accused Chisoni of raping her and pinning a child on him and he hasn’t done anything about it?’

Silence

‘What sort of a person would take that much mess? What sort of a person allows that much pain and harm to come to them?’

‘I guess you wouldn’t understand until you had to walk a day in his shoes.’

He has a point, but then the amount of trash that was done to him is beyond me. I wouldn’t take that much if tables were turned.

‘And my mother was a whore.’ I say looking at him

‘I wish she was around to defend herself though.’

‘It wouldn’t make any difference.’ I respond feeling a tug at my heart

I go back to my couch and open the next folder.

..

Years back

I have been feeling a sharp pain in my back the past few days, my pregnancy is only six weeks old and that is worrying because my gynecologist told me if it persists I should go and see her and now she is out of the country meaning I just need to see the other one she recommended.

Chisoni is still sleeping when I get out of bed, I walk to the bathroom to pee but when I remove my underwear they are blood stains and immediately I know there is a huge problem. I have read so many documentaries and write ups and spotting or bleeding in pregnancy is a red flag.

I brush my teeth and wash my privates and pits, I notice there was a slight pain when I was washing my privates.

I kiss Chisoni on the forehead and write him a note saying I have gone to do something at the office and I will be back shortly.

He has been insisting on my resting as much as possible and today being a Saturday he will not be okay with me working. But I need to see a doctor and I can’t tell him that because he will be mighty worried.

I call the doctor in advance and tell her that I am on my way, lucky for me she is already at the hospital and already waiting for me. She and my doctor are both doctors at Lusaka IVF clinic but this time around the recommended doctor will see me from the university teaching hospital because that is where she is working from.

I get there and she gives me directions as to where she is.

The office is not bad but then cannot be compared to my doctor’s office at Lusaka IVF.

‘Mrs. Ng’uni, it’s good to see you.’ She says when I enter her office

I just smile at her, it’s not the first time I am meeting her but the first she is attending to me.

‘How are you?’ she asks after I have settled down

‘Worried.’

‘The back pains?’

‘That plus I woke up to stains on my underwear.’

I don’t know anything about her but I can almost see the worry that she is trying so hard to mask on her face.

‘When did you start bleeding?’

‘This morning.’

‘And from your file I can tell that you are in your sixth week, yes?’

‘Yes.’ I respond making a face, I feel like the bleeding is getting heavier.

‘Are you okay? Do you need to lie down?’

‘I think I will be fine.’

She looks through the file a couple of times before handing me a small bottle to pee in, I don’t question her but whatever it is I do hope it’s nothing to be worried about.

I do that and hand it back to her, I just want to go home because as the cramps are getting worse so is the bleeding.

I notice that she gets a pregnancy testing kit, I feel really insulted but then again she is the doctor and she knows what she is doing.

After a few minutes she comes back, her face void of any emotions but softer.

‘I am sorry but you lost the baby, it was a chemical pregnancy. And what you are experiencing now is your normal period.’

I have heard what she has said, but my mind is stuck on the words that I have lost the baby.

‘I am really sorry for your loss, I will give you a moment.’ She says standing up but I stop her.

‘What do you mean chemical pregnancy?’ I ask finally gathering the strength

‘A chemical pregnancy is a very early miscarriage that happens within the first weeks of pregnancy. An embryo forms and may even embed in your uterus lining, but then it stops developing. Chemical pregnancies occur so early that many people who miscarry don’t realize it.’

She pauses, I want tears to fall but I just can’t cry.

‘There’s no way to prevent a chemical pregnancy from happening Cathy, and there’s no way to treat one that has happened. Keep in mind, though, successful pregnancies often follow chemical pregnancies. Take the time you need to process this and feel the loss.’ She adds

She gives me some antibiotics and schedules an appointment in four weeks time.

I thank her and walk out of the office, when I get into the car the tears that I had been hold back finally fall. They fall fast and hard. I can almost feel my child slipping out of me with each cramp that comes and there is no time that I have ever hated my menstrual period like now. How do I begin to live with this permanent scar? A scar that leaves no physical evidence but an emotional one reminding me that a life once lived in me. And the value wont be in how long it lived inside me but that it once existed - however the period.

..

Your Friend and Author

Winnie

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