Pedigree

When Van Van said “there is a certain type of pain that makes you speak a language only God can understand”, she forgot to flip the coin because there is a certain type of pain that makes you question God’s very existence.

I don’t even know how I have made it through the night because I had episodes when my chest was constricting and I could feel myself running out of breath. Pain is something that I don’t know how best to handle, I remember when mum died I didn’t shed a tear but when it did hit me that she was gone I woke up in a hospital bed with tubes connected to me.

I open my eyes and they hurt, so bad I have to close them again. After a few minutes I hear a knock at the door, I don’t want to see anyone so I just let the person knock and when they are tired I know they will leave. I slept on the couch because I was too weak to go to the bedroom and the other reason being that Nelson slept in my bed for so many nights I didn’t want to sleep in it.

When the person stops knocking I hear my phone ring, it’s dad calling.

I pick up even when I don’t want to.

‘Open the door.’ He commands before dropping the line

I gather all my energy and stand up, I don’t even bother putting away the bottle of wine I was drinking from. I drag my feet to the door and open it, he opens his arms immediately he sees me. I get into them and allow myself to cry all over again.

He doesn’t say a word, he just smoothes my back softly until I can’t cry any more.

We walk into the house in silence and I go and lay down on the same couch I slept on.

He looks around the apartment and I can see he is disappointed because of the way it is, I have dirty dishes from yesterday in the sink which of course I was going to wash in the night had it not being for the news. My shoes are thrown some where, my handbag and lap top bag are laying somewhere and my wig is on one of the couches.

He sighs heavily before starting to pick things up, I don’t bother to say anything to him. I just watch as he moves around swiftly as though he hasn’t aged a day.

Dad and I have always been close, I was born an only child and mum’s death made us even closer because we only had each other. He was literally the man and woman in my life growing up because mum traveled a lot for her business so he had to do most things for me.

I must have fallen asleep because a light breeze wakes me up, he has cleaned the house and opened windows. He is even in the kitchen cooking.

‘Your water is ready, I ran the tub for you I was just waiting for you to wake up.’ He says sensing that I am up.

Despite the state I am in I just pray that I didn’t leave things laying around in my bathroom because I have that tendency.

‘Go on, take a bath and when you done your food should be ready.’

I don’t respond, I haven’t said a word to him from the time he came. It’s like there is a lump on my throat that is preventing me from speaking.

‘If you spend more than fifteen minutes in there I am coming to drag you out.’ He threatens as if reading my mind, I don’t act shocked because I know the type of man dad is and what he is capable of doing.

I strip off of my clothes once in the bathroom and take time to stare at myself on the mirror, one of the things about me is that I have a very high self esteem that not even Nelson leaving me and marrying another woman can ever make me question my worth. Dad whilst raising me made sure it stuck into me that if people hurt me or did me wrong I should always know that it’s not my fault, people will do me wrong and it’s on them. Never on me.

I take a quick shower, don’t bother with lotion and wear a pair of leggings and a baggy t shirt.

‘You look better.’ Dad says, he is setting the table.

I smile.

I sit and wait for him to finish, and it’s only when he opens the plates that I realise just how hungry I was. He has gone all out, prepared a full English breakfast, served some cornflakes, some delite baby cereal and a smoothie.

‘You made all this?’ I ask looking at everything

‘I didn’t eat last night, most of this food is for me.’ He says putting some in a plate

I chuckle, I know this trick. He will try to eat as much as possible so that I too can eat.

We eat in silence, the food is amazing. Dad has always been a good cook.

When we finish almost an hour later I am stuffed, I remove the dishes and wash them whilst he dries. I don’t feel like talking so we just do everything in silence, when we finish we go back to the living room to sit.

‘I am sorry for what has happened.’ He begins finally when we have settled

‘Thank you paps.’

‘It will take time to heal, some days you will feel like you are okay. And then all of a sudden the pain will come back all at once, just don’t be too hard on yourself. Cry if you have to, but then you will have to pick yourself up. Nelson is not where your life begins or ends, no matter how bad it’s hurting you are responsible for your well being so you have to keep moving.’

I sigh deeply

‘Take some days off work if you have to, but when you are done crying I want you to do for you only you can do for yourself. I want you to be happy once again. I want you to love yourself even harder, work harder, pray harder, and look good and smell good and play hard. You are still young child, you are only twenty six with a whole life ahead of you. You did your part and not once should you blame yourself for his actions.’

‘Don’t you think I deserve closure?’

‘You might not get the closure you want child, but you will certainly get the outcome you need only if you allow it. And then the closure will happen right after you accept that letting go and moving on is more important than projecting a fantasy of how things could have turned out between you and Nelson. Remember that he messed up, not you.’ He says his eyes not once leaving mine

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Winnie

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