SWNOVELS Off-Ice Collision: Chapter 9
Something is troubling London, but I’m not going to be the one to question her on it. I know that feeling of having something that just won’t leave your mind. The types of thoughts that plague you and threaten to eat you alive. I’m not her damn therapist and it’s not my business. If she wants to talk about it, I’ll gladly listen, but I’m not going to be the one to pull the words from her.
London’s silent as she stares at the fire, and I want to see inside that beautiful mind of hers. It would be so much easier if I could just see inside and sift through her thoughts, even the ones that are haunting her at this moment.
“You remember the nights we used to spend here?” she asks me as she keeps her gaze on the flames. Her voice sounds distant, like she’s lost in a memory. “So many summer nights that we camped here…”
A smile tugs on the corners of my lips and the feeling is foreign. It’s been a long time since I’ve genuinely smiled about something. Those were such simpler days, before everything got all fucked up.
“How could I forget those nights?” I tell her, a soft laugh falling from my lips. I quickly close them as she whips her head to look at me. I swallow hard, attempting to play it off like it didn’t happen, and now I’m the one who stares into the flames.
“That one night when you were drunk and wandered into my tent…” Her voice trails off again and the memory is as clear as day in my mind. “You thought I was that other girl, I forget her name. When you found out it wasn’t, you still insisted that we snuggled. You know, you snore really loudly. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that.”
I wasn’t as drunk as I pretended to be. I knew it was her tent that I snuck into, she just seemed so caught off guard, I had to play it off like I was lost. I’ve never been blind to London and her charm, but she was always my friend. I was best friends with her brother. Those were two relationships I never wanted to ruin because I was a horny teenager who had feelings for her.
It was my one chance to get close to her and when she told me I could stay, I wasn’t about to miss out on feeling her so near. I held her that night until she was the one who was softly snoring. There was no way she heard me, because I was the one who laid there for hours listening to her breathing while she slept.
“You’re a terrible liar, London.”
I can feel her eyes burning holes into the side of my face. “I am not.”
I don’t bother arguing with her because she deserves to win, regardless of being wrong or not. “I miss those days,” I admit, my voice practically a whisper. There are so many things I miss and wish would have gone differently.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I really am sorry for what happened to you, Vaughn,” she says quietly, her voice soft and warm. “I can’t imagine how devastating it must have been for you.”
I swallow roughly over the lump lodged in my throat. Turning my head to look at her, my gaze collides with hers. I expect to see pity again, but there’s nothing but sadness dancing in her honey-colored irises. “What did I tell you about apologizing, London?”
“I’m allowed to say sorry because I am sorry. I know how much hockey meant to you and your future.”
“Can we not talk about it?” My voice cracks around the words and I don’t bother hiding the emotion that seeps through the cracks.
“Of course,” she says quietly. I can hear the regret in her voice. “I’m sorry for bringing it up.”
“London…” I growl at her. My jaw clenches and I want to pull her into my arms and tell her it’s okay.
Something about her makes me feel at ease. I’ve been so busy trying to push everyone away and shut them all out, but having her around like this makes everything feel different. I haven’t wanted a single person near me, yet I want to comfort her for feeling bad for what happened to me of all people.
I watch as her eyebrows pull together and tears well in her eyes. It happens abruptly and I’m so confused. I know I’ve been an asshole to her since I saw her earlier this week, but fuck. Guilt floods me and I feel like complete shit for making her cry.
Turning my body to face her, I reach out for her, pulling her to her feet. London doesn’t say a word as she follows my lead and lets me pull her over to me. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing or what is possessing me right now, but I can’t sit here and watch the tears stream down her face.
I pull her onto my lap and London doesn’t fight against me. Instead, she drops down onto me and wraps her arms around my neck. She buries her face in the crook of my neck and it has me completely off-kilter. Instinctively, I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her against me. Lifting one hand, I gently stroke her straight blonde hair as she softly cries against me.
“I’m sorry, baby,” I murmur against her ear as I attempt to comfort her. “I’m sorry for treating you like complete shit. Please don’t cry. Don’t cry because of me.” I pause for a moment, my throat thick with emotion. “Fuck, London. I’m so fucking sorry.”
She pulls away slightly, her eyes wet with tears as they bounce back and forth between mine. “You told me to stop apologizing, so the same goes for you too.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. Me, on the other hand…”
I have a lot of fucking apologizing I need to do to a lot of people. I’m just not there yet with everyone, but I can’t help myself when it comes to her. I can’t see her like this because of me.
“I miss my friend,” she says softly, her hands warm against the back of my neck. “We used to be really close and then you just iced me out completely. I missed this between us.”
My breath catches in my throat. This isn’t the first time we’ve been this close before. In the past, I always refused to cross that line with London. She was too close of a friend and I knew what I wanted in my future. None of that included ever settling down. I was too focused on hockey to care about pursuing a girl. And I refused to hurt her by getting involved with her in any way other than being friends.
Yet, here I am, my eyes drawn to her plump lips as she’s sitting on my lap. My one arm is still wrapped around her waist and I slowly move my other to cup the side of her face. A lone tear falls from her eye and I wipe it from her damp cheek with the pad of my thumb.
“I’m so fucking lost, London,” I admit, my voice barely audible. I don’t fully trust myself right now. If I say too much, I’m going to have a fucking breakdown and I refuse to crumble into a million pieces in front of her right now. “I don’t know who I am or where I belong anymore.”
“Let me help you find yourself, Vaughn,” she whispers, her eyes bouncing from my lips back to my eyes. “This is where you belong right now or the universe wouldn’t have sent you to the island. I know who you are, you just need some help realizing that.”
“Who the hell am I anymore? I don’t know who I am without hockey.”
“You’re Vaughn Carter. One of the funniest, sweetest people that I’ve ever met,” she says softly as her fingertips trace invisible patterns along my nape. “You just have to let me in so I can find you.”
I swallow. “You belong in the light, not the darkness.”
“I’m not afraid of it,” she breathes, her breath fanning across my face. “I’ll follow you into the dark.”
Goddamn, this girl.
I’ve always seen her, I just refused to let myself truly see her like this.
Hooking my fingers along her jaw, I drag her face closer to mine. “Why do I find myself wanting to let you in?”
“Because it’s me, Vaughn.”
I stare at her for a moment, my lips softly brushing against hers. “It’s always been you, London.”
Her lips part, a ragged breath escaping her, but I silence her with my mouth as I steal the air from her lungs. London digs her fingertips into the back of my neck, holding on for dear life as I kiss her gently. Her lips move against mine, matching every move that I make.
I shouldn’t be kissing her right now, but I can’t help myself. She tastes as sweet as I had always imagined she would. My tongue slides along the seam of hers and she parts them, granting me access. My tongue moves against hers and we’re tangled together, caught up in the moment. I drain the air from her lungs as I take everything she gives me.
I’ve literally been waiting my entire life to do this. It was a line that I was too afraid to cross, but here we are. Our friendship might be completely fucked because of this, but that’s okay because it was before this moment. It’s been an emotional night for both of us.
London has a way of drawing things out of me that I’ve refused to say to anyone. Tonight, I’ve talked to her more than I’ve talked to anyone in the past two years. And it’s all because she got upset and took off.
If she wouldn’t have, I wouldn’t have come looking for her. Where would we have been then? I would probably still be an asshole to her and she’d keep up with her relentless need to get inside my brain and solve my problems.
Our lips melt together and it feels as though we’re transforming into one being. My tongue slides against hers as they continue their own dance together, tangling with one another. I never want this to end. I want to drown in her and never come up for air again. Fuck it all.
Slowing down the kiss, we break apart and London is completely breathless. Her honey-colored eyes meet mine and I pull her forehead against my own as my eyelids fall shut. Reality comes crashing down around us and I don’t know if I regret kissing her or opening the door to let her in.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” I whisper, the pain laced within my words. “That was a line we were never supposed to cross.”
London abruptly pulls back from me, her eyebrows pinched together as a wave of hurt flashes through her eyes. “You regret that?”
“Fuck no,” I growl, still holding the side of her face. I stare directly into her eyes, refusing to look away from her. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
A fire burns in her eyes, the flames mimicking the ones that are burning from the fire beside us. “What took you so long?”
“I never wanted to hurt you, London…”
A sad smile plays on her lips. “That’s exactly what you’re going to do.”
My jaw clenches. “I told you that I’m lost, baby. I’m not in a position to get into a relationship when I’m trying to figure out who the fuck I am now.”
“Who said anything about a relationship?” she says, tilting her head to the side as she arches an eyebrow.
“Because you don’t deserve anything less than that. You deserve someone who is going to love you the way you should be loved. I can’t even love myself, let alone another person.”
A soft laugh falls from her lips and she shakes her head at me. “I’m not asking for you to love me, Vaughn.”
“Then what are you asking for?”
Emotion wells in her eyes. “For you to let me help you find yourself.”
“Even if it hurts in the end?”
“Even if it hurts in the end,” she repeats as a smile pulls on the corners of her lips. “Do your worst to me, Vaughn Carter.”