OBSIDIAN: Birth to Venus

2121

“Jai?” Sean whispered. She lay awake, her eyes still closed, in bed. Jai’s body ached, deep in her bones. It felt like a boulder had slammed into her, pulverized every cell in her body. Her eyes were dry from wringing every last tear. Sean leaned over, wearing the same clothes that he’d worn at the wake.

“Thank you, for staying with me.”

“Of course, Jai. You know I’m here for you.”

It’d taken all of her strength to muscle through the day. Sean drove them across icy roads, to the funeral home downtown. Jai made arrangements for the monks and greeted hundreds of guests. All the while, a polite smile was plastered on her face. She’d managed to keep it together until the cremation. Then, she unraveled. “This way, Dr. Dean.” The attendant’s voice jostled her to attention. Sean held Jai’s hand tightly in his, as she took her first steps into the private room. There, all the guests’ flowers and cards were arranged, a glorious display of good-byes. In the front lay her mother, resting in a mahogany casket.

Sean loosened his grip and allowed her some privacy. As she walked to the casket, she willed herself to move forward. This is happening, she reminded herself. Right now. This is real. Her heart pounded against her chest. She wanted more than anything to turn away, to pretend that Joy was just sleeping there. Mom will wake up soon. We can go home together. No, Jai. Snap out of it. She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. She breathed deeper, her breath skipping as she inhaled, her ribs knocking, shuddering. She held on to the exhale, trying to steady herself before looking down.

Joy lay, her hair combed gently against a satin pillow. Her eyes were so softly closed, there was no sign of strain along her brow. Her lips a pale pink, she appeared to be at peace, a serene expression on her face. Her arms were folded, one atop the other, across her small waist. Jai remembered their last embrace, how petite her body had been. How their last sync, filled with strong, happy memories of their family, had diminished, until the steady pulse of their connection had faded to nothing. When Jai had opened her eyes, Joy was limp in her arms. She’d kissed Joy’s forehead. It was soft, like a baby’s. She’d breathed in the gentle scent that only her mother had.

Be here, now, Jai chided. She looked down into the casket, forcing herself to see her mother once more. Jai shook her shoulders, and bowed her head. Closing her eyes, she opened herself up, allowing all of her mother’s energy to flow into her.

The silence was deafening. Jai’s body began to shake, as she realized how alone she really was. There was no sign, no signal, of her mother, no vision or emotion to embrace. She opened her eyes, her vision blinded with tears, while her mind’s eye remained startlingly bare. She wished for strength to persevere, to maintain her composure. Thank you, Mom, for being my friend, for loving me, just as much as I loved you. I always will. She blinked, sucking air into her lungs. She tried to remember this moment, this last time that they’d share.

It seemed like only a few seconds had passed when the attendant began to close the casket, to prepare Joy’s journey into the crematory. Sean placed his hands gently on Jai’s shoulders and slowly moved her aside. Jai’s eyes contracted. Here, stay here, Jai thought, again and again, straining for the strength to bear it. Jai watched as the attendant rolled the casket into the cremation chamber. “Dr. Dean, at this time, if you’d like to, we invite you to begin the process,” the attendant whispered. “Or, if you’d prefer, we can begin the process for you.”

“No, I’ll do it,” Jai said, extending her arm. She reached out, toward the button. Joy had wanted it that way. It would be their last sync, the final connection Jai would have with her mother. I have to do it. I must do it, to say goodbye.