Not A Saint (ENGLISH VERSION)

STANDING in front of the morgue and secretly grinning from ear to ear. At last, my day comes. I came not because I am sympathizing with what happened to my stepdad, I just really came to see in my two eyes what exactly Brent's situation is. "What are you still doing there, Celes? Come here and check on your dad," mom said while crying, arms wrapping the lifeless body of my stepdad. How pathetic my mom could be?

Am I heartless? I don't think so. Being lying, cold and lifeless Brent isn't enough for my victory. If I could kill him numerously, I will. I was cursing him to death with a feeling of infinite sorrow and suffering as I held my fisting hands. Overall mom is right. At least pay some respect. I wanted to cry but not because of losing him. Painstaking of his fault on what he did to me. I even fake a weep, seems like no teardrops are coming from my eyes.

I flick one of my eyebrows. I pity mom for knowing nothing about everything. Been blind of all these years. Doing nothing, thinking anything but only about the money.

Yeah, mom doesn't have any, bigger things than that lousy ugly man that my Mom married just to get some luxurious life that money can offer. I don't even have plenty of money compares to Brent and I can't even pull my mom up from poverty to rich heaven life as this old man did.

What else am I be to help? I have nothing. I can't even compare myself with my stepfather that completed mom because of the things he can give. I can't even make a better life for my mom as he did for her.

Even if I am fuming mad right now, all I can do is to hide my crippling emotions, a will to spit on his grave, and the unlucky days I had with him. I will make sure that my victorious day will come by doing that. Even when he will not ask forgiveness but I will do all my might that he will do that in the afterlife while his body is burning to hell.

And if we're going to meet again in my next life, I will surely kill him again and again. This is how big my anger to my stepdad. Yes, I made him like my dad as if that's the biggest mistake I did for the past ten years of my life. That I could crash Brent in my hand.

My teeth clattered with the thought that I wanted to vomit whenever I called him Dad.

I walk forward closely to my mom still sitting on the cold floor of the morgue, while she's still crying and hugging that disgusting dead body of him. I lean closer, put my two hands on each side of her shoulder and hug her from behind. "Your Daddy Brent is gone. How are we going to survive?" mom said while heavy tears kept running down her face while looking at Brent's body.

I circled my eyeball and not making mom notice it. If I have the heart to shout, I could shout at my mom right now. She's still thinking that her world only evolves at Brent but I didn't yell at mom, I can't do that.

"We can still leave without her, mom," I said making her stop crying. "We'll do everything to cope up. We can still survive even without him around, mom," I said between gritted teeth as emphasizing every word I said, and drastically look at me, eyes are dark and cloudy. I can feel that I sounded like a rude person from what I said even if I didn't mean it. "Did you tell me all of that after all? When all we have now is your Daddy Brent? How dare you're saying it in front of his corpse!"

She stood up, eyes are heavy and tears streaming down her face. I stand and trying to ask forgiveness. "I-I'm sorry, Mom. I'm not supposed to say that," I said while I am facing down. I only wanted her to be strong, to be independent, and not depend on everything with Brent. She shouldn't cry and mourn for a person that doesn't deserve to cry for.

"You should be Celestine. He's still your Dad after all," she said with her voice full of emotions and walk towards the door and leave me blankly.

How would I want to say that Brent is not my Dad, nor my biological father? He is nothing but garbage that even flies will get disgusted.

I went outside too. I can't help myself looking at his disgusting and loathing corpse. I felt that at any time he will move, stand, and will pull me in no time. Feeling dreadful from that wide imagination of mine. Oh! What am I thinking? I saw mom talking to a taller man, he's wearing a silver badge engraving his name and position from this hospital, pinned on the right side of his chest from his uniform.

"We'll do everything and handle until his last burial, Mrs. Echavez. Don't worry, we'll handle and surely assist you with whatever you need. You know how Brent has been a good part of this Hospital. He's a good investor and a good man of course," the man said, painting a smile on his face while talking to my mom. Why did it feel he has an ulterior motive for the reason of helping my mom?

My face crumpled hearing from what he said. How I wanted to puke but not in front of them, of course. Because I can't help to accept how my g*d*amn stepfather making a good impression on everyone when he's a villain here. Did they know that Brent is never been a saint? Course not! They're blinded by money.

"Come here, Celes." I did what mom told and walk near to them. "We're no longer thinking and worried. Let's try to go home."

"Okay, mom."

EVEN until the car, I can see how reddish my mom's eyes are, depicting anguish from what happened to Brent. Inclining my head down and inserted the car key and open the engine while mom started putting on her seatbelt as she was sitting beside me in the driver's seat.

I can feel how mom loves Brent. I understand all of it. For the last ten years, no one is there to comfort my mom but Brent did. Not only the love he gave but the money that my mom enjoyed the most. All the luxury, whims or any wishes mom asks for, stepdad gives it to her fully and without hesitation.

Maybe mom just felt that there is no source of income at all since Brent is gone. I'm still not sure if we can get any single penny if Brent will give his inheritance under our name. I'm wondering if we could fully trust him. Especially how sweet Brent's words are when he mentioned the inheritance to me before.

Should I also believe that all my mom's lover, dies? I mean none of them will stay longer until mom will get her hair gray. Because most of my mom's relationship doesn't stay longer and after few years, either gone or died. My mom still looks younger for her age of forty. Anyone can mistake her because of her skin. Maybe she's still off to marry again.

We are almost reaching the house when I asked her again. "What's your plan now, mom?"

I horned the front house for the guard getting alerted as I was going to park the car inside the house.

"I still wanted to continue the lawsuit case of your father. I need to know who shot him dead. Who's the culprit behind the ambush. I want justice for Brent," she answered as she started to pat her face dry after the exuded liquid she made. Then one of the guards vastly opens the white gate and I just drive it inside after. "Who else it would be? It must be one of his business rivals or an enemy with a personal resentment," I said as I turn the engine off and started to pack myself up and remove my seatbelt.

"That's what I wanted to find out," mom uttered. Her voice is full of determination.

I wanted to say that it is better to stop and stay quiet than meddle and implicate things. I don't want mom to get hurt, she's the only one I have right now, even how opposite we believe in things.

"Let the cops handled it, Mom," I said like it sounded an uproar opposing her thought.

Mom didn't look at me back as she removed her seatbelt and walk herself out of the car. I just made an explosive sigh. I know mom is not a person who easily surrenders, especially if she felt reasonable. But if mom is after the money, it would be better to slip it off. If Brent wanted a good life and make my mom like a queen, he would never let her work in that b*llsh*t BE Cosmetics Company that Brent owned. But he still chooses to let my Mom work as an excused. He's like a deadly disease that I wanted to burn, deeper.

When we arrived mom is like a lifeless doll. Not moving didn't even bother to eat. She's quiet as an air. She loses a life and appetite from the world that felt Brent is a big absence of her consciousness. If my mom only knew what's the real score, maybe she wanted to kill him with her own hands. If only she is...

But there is no used to talk about what he had done to me, ruining my life and innocence. What are the years counted for? After almost six years of being in a cage, I can't even find a key to unlock it. I can't scream nor cry. All I can do is abide by it and wait for the right time.

Mom is empty-head, no idea at all in what kind of world does Brent Echavez has. 'Yesterday is one's mystery but today will be Celestine's glory,' this is what I always put in my head. Thinking straight that I'm doing this right.

The happenings should not affect me. I should stand on my own and prove them wrong about Brent's real picture.

The next day, I went into the office, continuing my work as if nothing happens. I can even hear them gossiping about what I did and what had happened to Brent. They even show how relaxed they are, loosen up, and exposed it in front of everybody because their big boss is gone. Completely gone. I lifted the corner of my lips making a grin.

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Before the day ends, I went inside the office of the chief head, next to Brent's position. She has the highest position after him. I fixed my things, handed the resignation letter to her desk.

"Condolence, Ms. Celestine," Ms. Ivy said expressing sympathy after taking my resignation letter. She's the chief head of the department.

"Thank you," I said facing my chin down.

"Just head me up with the burial and I will fix the team's schedule to attend."

I just nod and turning my back from her and move forward to her door in her private office.

I thought everything ends after I arrive home but mom seems uncomfortable when I went to work.

"Why it seems like nothing happens as if you are not hurt at all?" she asks me handling the wine glass with its portion of wine. Her eyes full of grief the way I stared at her.

"I just fixed things in the office," making my voice not sounding defensive.

She drinks down the remaining wine in her glass with one gulp. "Doc Amado will take care of everything. All we have to do is attend it. And all I have to do is to cry." She started to bemoan.

I don't know if I will give her sympathy when I know that mom still has me. I'm still alive. A voice that I can never voice out and let her heard.

Is my mom still value me as her daughter?